Who Are You Meant to Be? (32 page)

The Queen of England stood in the Guildhall in London on the fortieth anniversary of her ascent to the throne. Over the rims of her glasses, she peered at the audience gathered together to celebrate her long reign. “1992 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure,” she said. “In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.” That year, three of her children were divorced or separated, her renegade daughter-in-law published a tell-all book, and Windsor Castle caught fire. It was, indeed, a horrible year.

By nature, Queen Elizabeth II was well-suited to her role as monarch in an era of immense change and upheaval, serving as an anchor for a country in flux. Despite questionable fashion sense, the Queen’s predictable, composed, and emotionally controlled demeanor has always engendered loyalty in her people, and her ability to maintain her dignity despite the many public and private humiliations the monarchy has endured over the past half century is admirable. She, like other Stabilizers, believes that work builds character and that being productive while in the service of others is reward enough in itself.

Stabilizers are traditionalists who maintain a sense of history and continuity in their lives. They need a place where they feel they belong, whether it’s a personal or professional relationship or a community of friends. They value ritual and ceremony, and they are often the preservers of traditions in their homes. You probably have a Stabilizer to thank (or blame) for the yearly events that are deeply embedded in your family history. Like the guards at Buckingham Palace, Stabilizers are there to make sure that what exists is preserved and that what is new, foreign, and therefore dangerous never gets in. Their job is to ensure that everything happens in the proper order and sequence so that life is predictable. Just the way they like it!

What Makes Stabilizers Tick?

End of the road…nothing to do…and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house.

—Eeyore, from
Winnie the Pooh

Stabilizers live from the left emotional brain, where they focus their attention inwardly toward ensuring they feel secure. Stability is achieved when everything feels safe inside of them and they are free from anxiety or upset. They are constantly looking at how the outer world affects their inner security. Because this is the goal of this part of the brain, Stabilizers order, organize, and sequence experiences, and sort things into categories, like “good” or “bad” and “right” or “wrong.” This sorting process helps them predict which people, events, and situations are likely safe and which ones aren’t. For example, if you ask Stabilizers to describe an experience they’ve had, they’ll declare it either good or bad. Martha Stewart, for example, is well known for ending a segment of her show with the phrase “and that’s a good thing.” Tell Stabilizers about something unusual that happened to you, like the time you had an unexpected two-day layover in Iceland, or the time you met the president in an elevator, and they’ll ask, “Was that a good thing, or not?”

For Stabilizers, there’s a simple rule for evaluating any experience: “If it upsets me, it’s bad; if it makes me happy, it’s good.” Once they know where something fits in the “good” or “bad” categorization, they know how to respond to it. Stabilizers don’t get overly concerned with the subtler meanings of things, including their own feelings; from their point of view, it’s sufficient to conclude, “That’s just the way I am.” Every new possibility is viewed relative to what came before it, which helps to minimize surprises. When trying something novel, Stabilizers will act only after working out a series of separate steps. Until that time, they don’t feel that it’s safe to do anything.

The brains of Stabilizers are wired for easy recall of facts and details, rote learning, and solving technical or mechanical problems. They store information in a semantic (logical) system without attaching personal baggage to it, so they can produce necessary information on demand. If you’re one who likes to tell tall tales, beware! Stabilizers not only use their excellent command of facts and detail to make their own stories more credible, but they’ll also use their precise memories to challenge the accuracy of other people’s stories—like our Uncle Hedley who would trap us in the corner and recount his last twelve euchre hands, including each play he made and why. If Stabilizers aren’t sure of the facts, they tend to keep quiet. They aren’t the type to share your fish stories with, but if you want honesty and a straightforward worldview, be assured that Stabilizers say what they mean and mean what they say.

Because their brain is wired to keep things the same, Stabilizers are tenacious and stubborn. They pick up the slack for others and stay until everything has been finished, because that’s the right thing to do. They will not quit, even if what they are doing—whether activities, jobs, or relationships—makes them unhappy, unless experience tells them they are wrong to continue because they believe, in some way, it will be worse to leave.

Manuel is a forty-three-year-old, first-generation Canadian. He works in his father’s butcher shop, which he’ll soon take over when his father retires. Over the past five years, their neighborhood has changed. Many of their friends have moved to the suburbs to join a growing Spanish-speaking community. The old neighborhood was close to downtown and its houses were being bought up by young professional couples. The Spanish flavor of the area was disappearing, and the butcher shop was suffering because of the change.

Maria, Manuel’s wife, missed her friends and community and wanted to move. When she first raised the subject, Manuel simply said no, left the room, and went out to his workshop. Showing his true Stabilizer colors, he was already catastrophizing about the butcher shop, imagining a scenario in which a large “Going out of Business” sign was on the front door, for all the family to see as they passed on their way to the welfare office. He could not begin to consider the thought of moving and the disasters that would surely follow. Maria, unperturbed by such doom-and-gloom scenarios, continued her campaign to convince Manuel to move. She threatened, pleaded, and even tried painting him a rosy picture of how their lives would change for the better—but to no avail. The more she went on about change, the angrier he became, eventually refusing to speak to her at all.

Manuel’s brother, who was using the Striving Styles at his workplace, had already figured out that Manuel was a Stabilizer. He noticed that his brother spent longer hours at work despite the decrease in customers. He also sensed the tension between Manuel and Maria and suggested that they work with me, his coach, to help them through the business challenges. After much resistance, Manuel agreed.

Stabilizers like Manuel don’t tend to show their need for a strong leader, so it’s important that their friends and family members intervene when Stabilizers are shutting down in distress. Unable to cope with the magnitude of major life changes, they can freeze in place like the Tin Man from
The Wizard of Oz
, helpless to move in any direction. It takes a lot of soothing of their anxiety to convince them to move again. Once this happens, they can start to take small steps in a well-organized plan to guide them during change.

During the coaching sessions, Manuel immediately connected with what I told him about Stabilizers and how they catastrophize and carry the responsibility for everything on their own shoulders. We compared his current experience to that of his father’s struggle to immigrate to Canada, away from all that was familiar, and how successful he was ultimately. We systematically began separating his fears from reality and looked at the consequences of doing nothing. Manuel was also reminded of the duty of a man to do what’s best for his family. He had not heard that the new Spanish neighborhood didn’t have a butcher shop, which soothed his fear that there would not be enough customers for two shops. After many sessions, Manuel had worked out all of the steps he needed to transition both their business and their households to the new neighborhood.

Relationship Style of the Stabilizer

Stabilizers are solid, dependable friends and mates. Relationships with Stabilizers develop slowly, but once they commit themselves to a relationship with their boss, coworkers, friends, or loved ones, they are in it wholeheartedly, through good times and bad. Like everything else in their lives, Stabilizers take their personal relationships very seriously. If they say they are going to do something with you, even if it’s going out for wings and a beer, they will be there. In their community, they tend to rely on and uphold traditions and all things familiar. They protect and defend the people and traditions they care about. They have a strong sense of family and community responsibility, and they show their caring by bringing order and structure into the lives of others. Stabilizers are more likely than any other Style to remain in dissatisfying relationships out of duty and obligation.

Stabilizers are intensely private people who rarely demonstrate to others what is going on underneath their calm exterior. While Stabilizers often feel positive and warm toward people, they fail to express their emotions and therefore leave people in the dark as to what they feel. They are more concerned with what they are doing than what they are feeling; they don’t find spending time thinking about or expressing emotions particularly useful. They are equally ill at ease when forced to deal with the emotions of others, withdrawing further into themselves when faced with a situation that calls for it. Most people consider Stabilizers to be emotionally unavailable; most Stabilizers are hard pressed to even know what that means. They feel very unsafe when they have to share themselves with others. Their need for privacy makes it difficult for others to know what they feel or even understand them.

Their uncommunicative approach can sometimes create very serious interpersonal problems in relationships. Very easily, they may be seen as insensitive or harsh because they often use judgment rather than empathy in their responses to others. They can steamroll less assertive people when demanding that everyone conform to their way of doing things. Stabilizers can also take the fun out of relationships by being so controlling and predictable, insisting that everything be done their way. They may even resort to sulking when asked to do things differently, using the silent treatment to communicate their upset for having their routine changed. They can also act like a stick in the mud, taking the playfulness out of the relationship.

Stabilizers take a no-frills approach to their relationships. Once they have wooed and won their partner, there is no reason to keep the romance going. They are pragmatic and unimaginative when it comes to thinking of new ways to make the relationship interesting. However, they do value tradition and don’t want to disappoint or upset their partner because they failed to do what was expected. Because of their difficulty with expressing their emotions, they take full advantage of everything Hallmark has to offer, buying sentimental or romantic cards for special occasions, hoping that they won’t be expected to actually say anything more than that. They let their actions speak for them.

How Stabilizers Satisfy Their Need to Be Secure

Building a Secure Foundation

Stabilizers believe that hard work and consistent effort are cornerstones of security. Before climbing the career ladder, they try to find a line of work that has security, a good retirement plan, and a history of stability, such as accounting or inventory management. They are not likely to initiate career changes, nor do they consider a lack of job satisfaction an adequate reason to do so. They stick with what they know and work hard to keep things the same. They make sure they are financially secure, especially for the proverbial rainy day that they feel is sure to come. The more Stabilizers save, the better they feel. In fact, Stabilizers get anxious when they spend money, as if every penny spent is one more brick removed from their financial foundation.

Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.

—Confucius

Self-Protective Stabilizers say no.
They have absolute faith that there will be “rainy days” because they have spent so much time catastrophizing and thinking about every possible disaster that could befall them. Self-Protective Stabilizers say no before even considering something; they are more inclined to decline than to invest in trying new things for their own enjoyment or benefit. They fail to enjoy their hard-earned dollars, sacrificing pleasure in the present for security in the future. Because their fear of losing everything they’ve worked for is just another emotion they don’t discuss, others may see them more as downright miserly than as thrifty. Stabilizers will say no even to things they would like to do or experience, because their knee-jerk reaction is simply to deny themselves anything that would upset their carefully crafted sense of stability. They are the people who win the lottery and show up for work the next day. They are deeply satisfied with the security that comes from the familiar, even when it becomes severely restricting.

Ling (Stabilizer) is a risk manager for a financial services company. He likes his job and makes a good living. On his way home from work one night per week, he eats dinner at the same inexpensive Chinese restaurant. Often, as he eats, he wishes that he had a nice woman to keep him company, but as soon as he starts to imagine this woman, his dream turns into a nightmare. It turns out that she doesn’t like his family, spends money like it grows on trees, and complains bitterly when he has to work overtime. By the time he’s finished his dinner each week, Ling has decided he is definitely better off without a woman.

By anticipating only negative outcomes of a hypothetical experience, Ling has not only sabotaged his chances with an imaginary woman, he’s also reduced his odds of finding happiness with a real woman, and he’s done all this in the course of a single meal!

Self-Protective Stabilizers stop catastrophizing.
They let themselves step back and see situations for what they are. Instead of denying themselves everything, they include a certain amount of their budget to spend on doing things that please them. Once they let themselves feel the anxiety that they normally react to, they can start calming themselves before they react. They can become aware of their tendency to reject anything that doesn’t agree with their carefully ordered world and work toward lessening it. With increasing self-awareness, they begin to pause on the verge of saying no and instead ask questions and gather more information. These simple acts of pausing and gathering information help them build their tolerance to anxiety by not saying no immediately.