Who Are You Meant to Be? (27 page)

Because of the degree of self-consciousness Artists have, they usually appear reserved and are difficult to get to know. Deep down, Artists fear that people or situations are going to overpower or overwhelm them, so they tend to hold themselves apart. People often accuse them of being aloof or standoffish when they are actually self-conscious and anxious about engaging with others. If they choose to go to parties—which often, they don’t—they will stay tucked in a corner, looking on. They can seem disinterested, but the simple act of talking to people can start a chain reaction in their heads that works something like this: “compare myself to the person I’m talking to; judge what that comparison says about me; decide that I’m inferior; decide that the other person also thinks I’m inferior.” It’s no wonder with this self-defeating dialogue that Artists lack confidence in social situations. For example, a behind-the-scenes look at a seemingly innocent party conversation between an SP Artist and a party host might look like this:

Host: “Did you get a piece of the birthday cake? It’s amazing!” (Background thought: I hope everyone’s having a good time.)

Artist: “No…I…hadn’t thought about it.” (Background thought: Oh God, you’re the relaxed, congenial party host, and I’m the mayor of Moronville. They just sang happy birthday to him, everybody is eating cake, and I’m thinking about what? Wishing I hadn’t worn this hideous dress because it makes me look fat.)

Host: “Oh, if you prefer something healthier, we have some appetizers on the counter over there.” (Background thought: Not everyone eats cake; good thing we have other food.)

Artist: “Thanks, I might check that out later.” (Background thought: Nice. I knew it. Host thinks I’m fat and unhealthy. I knew this dress was hideous! Now my oh-so-capable host is making a mental note: “Strike blasé, clueless guest from future party lists.” Why do I bother?)

Although Artists feel that they are unique, they also think of themselves as irreparably flawed. Because they incessantly compare themselves to others, they find more differences than similarities. They fear assimilation—being pulled into the big nasty vat of ordinariness. They run into problems in groups—even groups of friends or family—when they start to feel accepted or included, because the more included they are, the more consumed they feel. They will go to great lengths to reassure themselves that they are still different from others, even if it means devaluing themselves. For example, the Artist who is nominated as her high school’s homecoming queen may brush off the distinction, saying, “I’ll go to the dance, but when they see my dress, they’ll be sorry they decided to put the freak on the list.” This unconscious process meets their need to be creative at the expense of work or social contributions.

Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

—Groucho Marx

Relationship Styles of the Artist

I want my boys to have an understanding of people’s emotions, their insecurities, people’s distress, and their hopes and dreams.

—Princess Diana

The love of an Artist is what great romance stories are based on. To be loved by an Artist is to be loved completely and with abandon. Artists have a deep capacity for love and caring, and they do it with the intensity of their whole being. They seek to experience another loving them with the same intensity. Their need to bond and feel at one with others causes them to seek out relationships with just one or a few people. This allows them to form deep, meaningful, and intimate relationships that satisfy their intense hunger for perfect rapport. They don’t just want to be known; they want to be known deeply and profoundly. The hallmark of their Style in relationships is authenticity. Artists may claim that they don’t need anyone, yet when they are in a relationship, it is intense and consuming. They look for depth and meaningful self-expression with others and have little tolerance for superficiality.

Whether Artists are looking for a partner or a friend, they have a clear idea of the feeling state they wants to create with that person. Artists bond easily when they meet someone who seems to fit their ideal. They seek passion and intensity in the relationship. They also look for someone with whom they can share their “secret self ” so that they can be validated and accepted for who they authentically are. At the beginning of their relationships, Artists are blissfully happy because they believe they have found their “soul mate,” their heart’s desire. They can become walking Hallmark valentines—taking strolls on the beach, staying up until all hours baring their souls, sharing hopes and dreams, and generally creating a heavenly realm in which just the two exist in an exquisite state of oneness.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, in a world few hearts survive? All I know is the way I feel. When it’s real, I keep it alive.

—“Up Where We Belong,” Jack Nitzsche,
Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Will Jennings

It is very easy for Artists to feel slighted by others. They are attuned to emotional nuances and are in the habit of assigning emotional meaning to things people say or do. When Artists encounter emotional states of others, they will usually find a way to make the other person’s behavior about them. If someone is struggling with his work, the Artist will try to empathize with him but will then become anxious because the Artist doesn’t feel helpful enough or doesn’t know the right thing to say. The Artist will stop focusing on the need of the other person and will even railroad the conversation by saying how inadequate he or she is at helping and what a terrible friend he or she is. The Artist may even start talking about what a difficult time
he or she
is having at work. Here’s an example of how this plays out in real life:

Carol, a Visionary, had been working diligently for months to develop a creative proposal that would help her company land a multimillion-dollar contract. At the same time, her husband Ron (Performer) was experiencing health issues, and when Carol was not at work, she was at home taking care of Ron. Carol didn’t talk to friends too much about her personal life because she didn’t have the emotional energy. She hadn’t realized how fatigued she had become until she started gaining weight and becoming impatient with people and situations. When she recognized that she actually needed some time with a friend to talk things through, Carol made a lunch date with Leslie, an Artist.

At lunch, as soon as Carol brought up the issue of her deep fatigue, her concerns about her husband’s health, and her ability to care for him, Leslie burst into tears. She said she felt terrible that she couldn’t possibly help Carol because she was going through a personal hell herself. She told Carol the story about how she had been passed over for a long-awaited promotion because her manager felt threatened by her and was holding her back. Her manager said it was because of her repeated failures to manage time and budgets, but Leslie didn’t believe that was the reason. Her kids were also driving her nuts by always trying to get out of doing homework or chores around the house. In stunned silence, Carol sat listening to Leslie, regretting that she had chosen her as a confidant, then shifting to empathize and help Leslie problem solve. Carol paid for lunch too, because Leslie said that when she left the house, she was so overwhelmed that she forgot to bring her wallet.

This is an example of the Artist’s way of unconsciously meeting her need to be creative at the expense of a relationship. Both women came with different agendas: Carol wanted to share what she was experiencing and get help with staying connected to herself and her own needs. Leslie came to create an experience in which she would get empathy, attunement, and validation for being victimized. She didn’t want help with the real issues at work or with her children. Each woman would leave the conversation with a different experience as well: Carol would feel empty and frustrated by her friend’s self-involvement, and Leslie would feel that she had created a fantastic bonding experience with her friend, who fully understood and empathized with her pain and suffering. This is why the very people Artists believe are their closest friends may end up avoiding them.

How Artists Satisfy Their Need to Be Creative

Living Aligned with Their Values

There are four questions of value in life…What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.

—Johnny Depp

Artists’ lives are governed by their personal value system. Their values dominate how they live and how they experience their lives, and aren’t swayed by logic or persuasion. They are humanitarian and seek to put their values into practice through activities such as teaching, counseling, health consciousness, saving the planet through living their values, or volunteering time to worthy causes. Because Artists immerse their entire being into whatever they do, they are selective about what or whom they involve themselves with. They look for like-minded people to have relationships with and work situations where there is an alignment of human values. They want their home and work life to reflect their values and their ideals. Anne Shirley, the heroine of
Anne of Green Gables
, is a perfect example of an Artist. While seeking out “kindred spirits” and escaping into daydreams, Anne transforms the emotional life of Matthew and Marilla.

When Anne arrives in Avonlea, she is a stray waif with a pitiable past, but she quickly establishes herself in Green Gables and the Avonlea community. She is not useful to Matthew and Marilla, her guardians, who wanted a boy orphan to help out on the farm. Still, Anne’s spirit brings vitality to the narrow, severe atmosphere at Green Gables. Her desire for beauty, imagination, and goodness motivates her behavior. Although some people, like Matthew, recognize Anne’s admirable qualities from the beginning, others misunderstand Anne and think her unorthodox behavior evidence of immorality. The very traits that make Anne unique and enrich her inner life also cause her to act passionately and stubbornly and to bungle chores. Reveries and daydreams constantly absorb her, taking up attention that Marilla feels should be spent thinking of decorum and duty.

As a child, Anne loves and hates with equal fervor. She makes lifelong alliances with people she considers kindred spirits and holds years-long grudges against people who cross her. Anne’s terrible temper flares at minimal provocations and she screams and stamps her foot when anger overtakes her. Anne lusts for riches and elegance. She despises her red hair and longs for smooth ivory skin and golden hair. She imagines that which displeases her as different than what it is, dreaming up a more perfect world.

Self-Protective Artists are judgmental.
They are intolerant of other people who have values different from their own. If you say to your vegetarian Artist friend, “Will it offend you if I eat this hot dog in front of you?” don’t be surprised at a reply along the lines of, “No, as long as you won’t be offended by my description of how an innocent, feeling creature was cruelly slaughtered so you could have that artery-clogging, chemical-laden treat.” Self-Protective Artists may go to great lengths to tell friends and family the virtues of living an environmentally friendly lifestyle and get upset when everyone doesn’t adopt these values (so they are upset much of the time). Self-Protective Artists condemn people who don’t aspire to their lofty and often unattainable standards. They can’t fathom why everyone wouldn’t give up their car and ride a bike to work in subzero temperatures. Self-Protective Artists set themselves up for ridicule by taking fashion stands, for example, going to a black-tie event wearing Birkenstocks and a beige cotton suit, sporting horrific body odor because they refuse to wear deodorants that contain aluminum, or electing not to cover a Che Guevara tattoo during a job interview.

Self-Actualizing Artists live their lives authentically.
Having personal and professional freedom is very important to them, and SA Artists organize their lives so that they can live spontaneously, following their feelings and their need to create. It is not easy for them to do this, as they are generally unassertive and self-effacing. They make sure that they find work in an environment that is both holistic and humanistic, preferably one that is values driven. Artists are not the best match for the fast-paced, competitive corporate world, but that doesn’t mean they can’t work there. What is important is that they keep their brains focused on what they are doing and not on their personal feelings about the work situation or what might be going on politically or interpersonally with coworkers.

Having the Perfect Relationship

I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony I’d like to hold it in my arms and keep it company.

—“I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” Roger Cook,
Roger Greenaway, Billy Davis and William Backer

Being in a relationship with an Artist can be a wonderful experience. Artists work very hard to make sure that the needs of their partner, family, and friends are met and that others feel well loved and cared for. To them, a relationship is when two people come together and become one blissful unit (perhaps while enjoying a nutritious, organically produced, chemical-free, human rights–conscious beverage—Artists tend to spearhead the green movement). They have a small circle of friends because of the intensity with which they bond with others. When they are with their partners, it’s easy for them to disappear into the relationship and become inaccessible to other people in their lives. They abhor disharmony and conflict, which threaten the perfection of the relationship. They easily take responsibility for conflicts that arise and work hard to eliminate them.

Self-Protective Artists create intense emotional experiences.
They don’t really know how to identify problems objectively; instead, they complain about how difficult their lives are. The real issue becomes secondary to their feelings. They can’t stop stewing over how badly they are being treated and how awful the other person is for not knowing what they need. They first suffer in silence, feeling unloved, wronged, and victimized. When they can’t keep their feelings in any longer, they dump them out in a dramatic, emotional climax, ranting and sobbing uncontrollably while berating their partner for insensitivity. This type of fighting often takes the place of real emotional intimacy in Artists’ relationships. Partners will try hard to help them but give up when they realize that the Artist is never satisfied.