Who Are You Meant to Be? (26 page)

Others Who Won’t Participate

Socializers are confounded when others don’t want to attend events with them, especially events they’ve helped organize. They can take this personally and feel abandoned, annoyed, and hurt. They do not endorse individualism and are not above making others feel guilty for wanting to do their own thing. In an effort to stay connected, they use emotional blackmail or threats, such as “I’ll have a terrible time doing this by myself, and it will be all your fault.”

Interpersonal Conflict

Any situation in which there is a prevailing feeling of tension or conflict activates Socializers and makes them eager to restore an equilibrium that is not always easily established. When they are unable to avoid the conflict, they either devalue themselves or blame others for making them uncomfortable. They stay in dysfunctional relationships to avoid creating conflict.

When a marital squabble erupts between guests at her book club, Socializer Sue immediately faults herself, thinking, “If only I had put Aunt Enid between Mona and Chris, that argument never would have happened!” But the afterthought is followed quickly by sharp words for Mona and Chris, “Do you really need to ruin my event by airing your dirty laundry right now?”

Of course, the truth is that Sue’s seating arrangements are not responsible for the argument, and Mona and Chris probably didn’t argue with the intention of spoiling the book club meeting. Because Sue is still in SP mode, her reaction to discord tends to be subjective and speculative. She lets her feelings dictate her actions, which only leads to greater disharmony.

Too Much Time Socializing

Being with others affirms Socializers’ self-worth and value. They love to feel needed and included, which makes them reluctant to say no to anyone for fear of letting them down. However, prolonged exposure to others can eventually lead Socializers to exhaustion.

Too Much Intimacy

Socializers love the roses but hate the thorns: they crave connection but fear being hurt, criticized, or abandoned. Their self-protective behavior can be activated by too much personal disclosure by others or the expectation that they do the same.

Not Being Appreciated

Socializers gladly give their time and energy toward helping others, but they tend to have a hidden agenda. They will keep a mental record of what is “owed” to them and will begin to feel desperate for acknowledgment if the payoff is not forthcoming. They can also shift into the long-suffering caricature of the martyr.

Blind Spots

Being Too Idealistic

Socializers create ideal depictions of others and then are disappointed when others don’t live up to those ideals. The stereotypical Socializer parent may think her child is failing to be the right kind of son or daughter, has chosen an inferior mate (no matter who the mate is), isn’t living up to his or her career potential, and doesn’t know how to raise children or even dress them properly.

Taking Things Personally

Socializers take conflict and rejection personally. Interpersonal conflict is a source of great distress, as they tend to blame themselves for the upset of others or to blame others for making them uncomfortable. During conflicts they can let their feelings dictate their actions, which leads to greater disharmony.

Being Taken Advantage Of

Saying no when others need them is a recurrent problem for the Socializer, making them vulnerable to being taken advantage of. They can empathize excessively, losing perspective on the practical aspects of an issue. Socializers make their decisions on the basis of how they feel, which can present a perspective very different from reality.

Manipulating Others

Socializers don’t always realize that they manipulate the feelings of others. They focus comments on what others are doing instead of what they are feeling. Should someone not want to come to an event, they are more likely to say, “What’s wrong with you? Everyone else is coming. Why do you always have to be so difficult?” rather than “I’m disappointed. It’s always more fun when you join us.”

Being Critical and Judgmental

Socializers can be very direct and tactless when trying to get people back on track and to correct deviations in expected behavior. Socializers are often unaware that their feedback could be perceived as criticism, which works against them by reducing productivity and stifling cooperation. The short black-comedy film
Guilt
provides excellent examples of Socializers’ high expectations coupled with scathing criticism when others fail to rise to the occasion:

Twentysomething Arnie has a problem. His mother is in the hospital with a heart condition and is certain to die if she can’t get a replacement heart very soon. Arnie’s two Socializer aunts decide that Arnie should donate his heart to his mother. Arnie can’t believe they’re serious. The aunts lay on the guilt. “There was a time when her heart beat for both of you,” one recalls wistfully. “She carried you for nine months,” chimes in the other. Even Arnie’s girlfriend accuses him of being selfish for not agreeing to give up his heart and take a pig’s heart while awaiting a human transplant. The question “What kind of son are you?” rings in his ears, along with the implied answer: “Not a very good one, if you won’t give your mother your heart.” Pressured from all sides, Arnie eventually gives in and undergoes the surgery, only to be told that his heart was too small to substitute for his mother’s! Despite his valiant effort to save his mother’s life, he ends up with a pig heart and plenty of grief from his aunts, one of whom admonishes him, “All you had to do was one thing right in your whole life, and you screwed that up too.”

Upshifting to Their Self-Actualizing System

For Socializers to upshift to their SA System, they must become more self-aware and begin to redirect their striving energy by doing the following.

Paying Attention to Their Body

Socializers need to practice both self-care and self-discipline. Because they look outside of themselves to see what others need and expect, it’s easy for them to ignore their own physical and emotional needs. They do best when they follow a discipline that allows them to stay grounded. Physical exercise—such as jogging, walking, or gardening—or meditating can be critical to keeping their feet on the ground.

Saying No to Others

Socializers need to take time out from being caretakers and organizers; otherwise, they can suffer serious burnout. Using a calendar and getting help to prioritize activities allow them to create a more relaxed, less compulsive way of life and to avoid the sometimes serious health issues that come from running on empty for long periods of time.

Stopping Feeling Guilty

Socializers are vulnerable to having others guilt them into doing things they don’t really want or have the energy to do. They often have “free-floating” guilt feelings that emerge from nowhere. Socializers must ensure that their friends take them seriously when they say no the first time and must not be talked out of their feelings and needs. In particular, when Socializers say they need to be alone, they really do need to be alone.

Developing Objective Reasoning

Socializers often need to run things by a more objective friend, partner, or coach, who can help them develop a more rational approach to their lives. They do best when they seek objective and impartial feedback to help them accurately assess the facts, dispassionately and impersonally. This helps them see beyond the immediate situation to the logical consequences of their actions.

Recharging Their Batteries

Socializers can run themselves into the ground when they don’t take time out from their commitments to others. They can prevent suffering serious burnout by going into an environment that makes no demands of them. This could be simply a walk in the park, enjoying the outdoors, or getting a massage. Withdrawing from their usual hectic schedule to spend time alone as a part of their regular routine keeps their energy readily available.

Facing Conflict Head-on

Learning to recognize when they are sweeping problems under the carpet to avoid conflict and confrontation helps Socializers deal with conflict as it arises. By reminding themselves that they are not responsible for disharmony and that working through conflict leads to stronger connections, they can wade in further when emotional discomfort wants to keep them in the shallow end of relationships.

Achieving Their Full Potential

Socializers are the “weavers of the social fabric” in families and communities. They easily build and maintain positive relationships with a wide variety of people. They aim to be helpful and are enthusiastic, amiable, outgoing “people people.” Their strong need to connect provides others with a delightful companion, an energetic partner, an enthusiastic manager, and a parent willing to invest himself to help a child achieve his or her potential. The Socializer is a Striving Style with tremendous interpersonal strengths and resources, from strong communication skills and charisma to genuine human interest and intuition. When Socializers are able to set boundaries, consider situations rationally, and tolerate conflict, they can change many people’s lives—including their own—for the better.

C
HAPTER
E
LEVEN

THE ARTIST—STRIVING TO BE CREATIVE

A feeling deep in your soul

Says you were half now you’re whole.

—Barbra Streisand

A
RTISTS CAN BE A
little more difficult to spot: their pleasant, friendly outer persona often masks the intense, resourceful, and powerful individual within. Driven by their need to create, they seek authentic self-expression in all that they do and aspire to the ideals that govern their internal worlds. They find their inspiration in nature and in simple, everyday happenings. Their creativity takes many different forms and can be expressed in any occupation: a librarian can be as much of an artist as a dancer or a chef. The authentic expression of artists’ creativity lies at the heart of all their actions.

In a world where most people find comfort in belonging and conforming, Artists often stand alone, preferring independence and authenticity. You may recognize them at the edge of the crowd, with a tentative demeanor that suggests a kind of holding back. Yet their clothes, hair, tattoos, and piercings may tell an entirely different story; it is not unusual for Artists to demonstrate their uniqueness through their attire.

Creativity can be defined as moving beyond what currently exists to make something that is new. What this means for Artists is that to meet their predominant need to be creative, they have to be constantly doing new things, meeting new people, thinking new thoughts, transcending the boundaries of their bodies by making love or making music, and generally having the freedom to do things their own way. For Artists, there is no separation between themselves and what they create. They view the creative process holistically. The creator, the materials, the equipment, the actions—and ultimately what is created—are all parts of a whole. The way that our culture defines normal life, with its workaday routines, can be oppressive to them because it conflicts with their desire to tune in to the fresh possibilities of every day.

Consciousness expresses itself through creation…On many an occasion when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists…I keep on dancing, and then it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing…and dancing…and dancing. Until there is only…the dance.

—Michael Jackson

Artists often say that they aren’t really creative because they don’t think of themselves in that way. However, they will then go on to talk about the experiences they create for their children, the homes they create, the style of fashion that is so unique to them, and the arts and crafts they do in their spare time. They often work in the helping professions, where they support people’s health and well-being in such roles as massage therapist, naturopathic or medical doctor, psychotherapist, nurse, or nurse-practitioner.

What Makes Artists Tick

The Artist Striving Style lives out of the right emotional brain with an inward focus. Everything that happens to Artists is an emotional experience; in fact, they are more concerned with their feeling experiences than they are with what is actually happening in the external world. The primary purpose of this part of the brain is to generate feelings—both present emotions and emotional memories—and Artists have a phenomenal capacity to experience a full range of emotions, from ecstasy to the depths of despair. However, they are stuck in thinking that what they are feeling defines who they are: “I feel, therefore I am.” They often live their lives at the mercy of whatever intense emotional experience they are creating. If Artists have positive experiences, they have a positive sense of their value; unfortunately, the inverse is also true: if Artists have negative experiences, they have a negative sense of their value.

Throughout their life, Artists struggle to secure and maintain a sense of their own value. This is because the function of the right emotional brain is to compare, contrast, and assign a value to themselves on the basis of who they are with, what there are doing, and what they experience. If they have positive experiences, Artists have a positive sense of their value, and if negative, vice versa. Because this brain is more likely to create negative feelings, Artists often feel themselves to be behind the eight ball in life, never feeling good enough and always seeing themselves as failing others simply by being themself. Artists are also driven to re-create past feeling experiences over and over again. If the past was one that was fulfilling and desirable, this can be a tremendous asset. However, if their past was marked by events and relationships most people would want to forget, Artists will keep re-creating these kinds of experiences. Their thinking patterns are often distressing and depressing.