Who Are You Meant to Be? (28 page)

Self-Actualizing Artists express what they need and want, rather than expecting others to “just know.”
They don’t just complain. They identify their need and figure out how to meet it. They talk about their feelings as they occur. They ask others for help without enacting an emotional soap opera. They feel grateful and express appreciation for what they do have, rather than just complaining about what they lack. Artists stop being the creators of their own personal dramas and no longer accuse others of victimizing them. They discard the belief that asking for what they need means there is something wrong with them; instead, they think of it as sensible self-care.

Having Original and Authentic Lifestyles

“I gotta be me” is one of the central values of Artists. Their desire for autonomy is driven by their need to create their own experiences rather than be told what they should be doing. They have little desire to impress or have authority over people, and they expect others to take a hands-off approach in relationships with them. Those who understand and value Artists for themselves will have loyal and trusted friends for life. Other Styles often have difficulty with the Artist’s low need to influence or control others. Because freedom is so important to them, Artists would never dream of impinging on the freedom of others, even when it may be in the best interest of the other person to have some boundaries.

Princess Diana was picture perfect and envied by many. Her dress, her looks, and her deeds seemed to embody her need to have beauty around her. No one would have expected by seeing her public persona that this woman suffered as she did. Like many Artists, Diana had the ability to show a calm exterior belying the emotional turmoil and angst that lay within. The stories of Diana’s emotionally disturbing inner life, her allegedly suicidal unhappiness, her struggles with depression and self-injury—all are consistent with the Artist Style, which often feels trapped by an inauthentic life.

Self-Protective Artists are absorbed with their own imperfections.
They’re acutely self-conscious and on a perpetual quest to discover what’s wrong with them. Exploring their faults in minute detail seems more compelling to them than building self-awareness and confidence. They’re more likely to get down on themselves for not being confident than to use affirmations to build confidence. They’re prone to rehearsing conversations in their minds that they will never have with people. By doing this, they deplete their energy and their self-esteem. Self-Protective Artists flock to the offices of therapists and psychoanalysts, where they spend hours exploring their feelings. More than any other Style, SP Artists are in search of their fatal flaw and believe that once they find and heal it, they will attain perfection.

Annie Hall: Oh, you see an analyst?

Alvy Singer: Yeah, just for fifteen years.

Annie Hall: Fifteen years?

Alvy Singer: Yeah, I’m gonna give him one more year, and then I’m goin’ to Lourdes (for a healing).

—Characters’ dialogue from the film
Annie Hall

Self-Actualizing Artists accept themselves for who they are.
They get past thinking that how they feel is the most interesting thing about them. Instead, they move to action. Like everyone else, Artists need to understand that they can choose to alter their experience through observing and questioning what is actually going on instead of being swept away by what they “feel” is happening. Most Artists have difficulty with the idea that “feelings aren’t facts.” Self-Actualizing Artists have developed an observing self that provides them with a greater awareness of their excessive focus on their feelings. They learn to discern between
who they are
and
what they feel
, to respond to situations rather than react to their feelings, and to depersonalize others’ behavior.

I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak. So I’ve been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I’m one of those people.

—John Lennon

Meaningful Self-Expression

Artists seek to express themselves authentically in all they do. They paint pictures with words, complete with their feelings about their experiences. This is a type of self-focused expression, in which Artists seek to have listeners feel what they feel by creating stories that evoke emotion in others. If nothing is going on, they will create an emotional experience by speculating on what might be going on. Artists will discuss their feelings openly and freely, making them the center of the conversation.

Self-Protective Artists can’t assert themselves.
The gentle, sensitive nature of Artists makes it difficult for them to express themselves, their ideas, or their desires to others. It’s as though their nervous systems already felt everything so acutely that they must protect themselves from being overwhelmed by the demands and emotions of others. Self-Protective Artists measure what they will say and do on the basis of people’s possible reactions, in the hopes of avoiding criticism or other injury. This means that if someone is very definite about what they want or need, SP Artists will fear the consequences of asserting their own conflicting need. Instead, they will suffer in silence, but the soap opera has already begun.

Mary (Performer) invited her friend Gail (Artist) over for dinner. Mary made a gourmet meal, thinking that Gail would enjoy it and appreciate the effort. Much to Gail’s horror, Mary prepared a French meal full of butter and cream—the very things Gail had just given up to address her food allergies. Rather than offend Mary, she ate the meal, made a big fuss about it, and silently vowed never to go to Mary’s house for dinner again. She left resenting Mary for not knowing about her food allergies and putting her in this position. But Gail also was angry with herself for not telling Mary earlier about her dietary constraints. She ended up feeling depressed about the whole event.

Unfortunately, SP Artists tend to feel that either they are victimizing themselves or someone else is doing it for them. Their tendency to create drama in response to an unmet need is so automatic that they don’t see it until someone points it out to them. They’re constantly evaluating, rehearsing, ruminating, and catastrophizing about themselves. They judge what they have done, what they haven’t done, what they’re not getting around to doing, and everything in between. Much of the time, they’re more concerned with what they’re feeling than with what they’re doing.

Even now when I see my name in the paper, I feel that the world is intruding unduly on my privacy. I ought to be anonymous.

—A. A. Milne

Self-Actualizing Artists communicate authentically.
They learn to assert themselves, even when it is difficult to do so. They also recognize when they are inflating events and creating drama in their minds. They use their creativity constructively in their lives rather than destructively to undermine themselves. When emotions become very strong about something, they ask themselves whether the story they told themselves about what was going on might have upset them more than the event itself. Self-Actualizing Artists know when they are holding everything inside and what it costs them to do this. The goal is to live in creative expression—in words, in deeds, and in relationships.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

With their need to be creative and authentic, Artists are activated by people and situations that cause them to have to conform or do things in a way that isn’t congruent with their values. They fear being rejected, invaded, or taken over by others because they are somehow inferior or flawed. They feel rejected for who they are and feel they have no choice other than to let themselves be overpowered or invaded by the demands of others for conformity. Feeling this way frustrates their need to be creative and therefore is what they fear most. Artists will do whatever they can to protect themselves from these feelings.

Demands for Conformity

When others so much as imply that Artists need to conform to societal norms, they feel rejected and wounded, even when others are simply giving them advice. It also makes them anxious when they are subjected to sudden changes initiated by others, or when they feel controlled by unpredictable or arbitrary situations that limit their freedom of choice.

Spending Too Much Time Alone

The goal of Artists is to create feelings, so when they spend too much time alone, solitude gives them free reign to create stories, infer meanings, and draw conclusions that have little connection to reality and even less connection to happiness. No one can work themselves into a depressed, anxious, self-indulgent, or self-pitying state faster than an Artist.

Spending Too Much Time with Others

When Artists are with people too much, it’s like overeating. They can’t digest their experience and start to feel uncomfortable. Rather than understanding that they need some time away, they tell themselves they are being taken over. They become overly sensitive and offended by what others are saying. They are convinced that others are intruding on their space without regard for their personal boundaries.

Conflict

Interpersonal conflict and strong emotional expression adversely affect the sensitive nervous systems of Artists. They find it very hard to function when they are in the presence of conflict or disharmony; they feel the situation as though it was inside of them, and it scares them. They lose their ability to express themselves or to resolve the conflict. If someone criticizes them, they withdraw inside to protect themselves from what they experience as hostility. Should they have to work in an environment that is unfriendly or conflict ridden, it can affect their confidence and cause them to become depressed, immobilized, or even physically ill.

Planning, Scheduling, and Details

When they have to meet goals and objectives or deal with financial details, Artists become anxious, feeling incapable of doing it on their own. They feel inadequate to others who don’t have difficulty with these things and spend time thinking about what’s wrong with them. They focus on how “bad” they are, creating feelings instead of financial plans, and unbalanced self-images instead of balanced checkbooks.

Taking Action

Although it looks like making a decision is difficult for Artists, what actually activates their SP System is having to do something about their decision. They become anxious when they have to act on what they have decided. Because they believe they are somehow inferior to others, whatever they decide can’t possibly be right. They spend days, even weeks, second-guessing themselves and having endless conversations with others about how awful they are at making decisions.

Blind Spots

Making Up Stories

Artists make up stories explaining why they feel the way they do. The story almost always includes a rejection or abandonment theme, which is plausible to the Artist but not necessarily to others. The story may be about an affair the Artist believes his or her partner is having, complete with the identity of the person, how long it has been going on, and how the rendezvous occur. By the time the Artist talks to his partner, he or she can be in a rage, having already “lived” the whole sordid business in his or her head.

Intimidating Others

Most other Styles will find the Artist’s perpetual emotional roller-coaster ride too dizzying for their tastes. People often remark that they walk on eggshells around the Artist, whose moods are unpredictable. Artists often have little awareness of the impression they create.

I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

—Marilyn Monroe

Taking Things Personally

Because Artists take things personally, they make up imagined slights and intrigue, and misread the intentions of others. They accuse others of all kinds of horrible things, as though friends and family members were plotting to destroy or discredit them. They will either withdraw from people or become upset and accusatory.

Being Addicted to Perfection

Artists often accept nothing short of perfection in themselves and others. They can create conflict in their relationships by pointing out even the most subtle flaws and imperfections in others. Their candid honesty may translate into unintended hurtfulness. They can focus so much on what is missing and how others are failing them that they don’t see what others are doing to help and support them.

Artist husband: Did you pick up my new glasses from the optometrist?

Stabilizer wife: No, I didn’t have time. I was getting caught up on the laundry so you’d have enough clean clothes for your trip. And it took longer at the vet than I thought.

Artist husband: Geez, I ask you to do one thing and you don’t have time! I thought you loved me. You never think about how I am going to feel when you decide not to do something for me. Now I’ve got to drop everything and go over there, and it’s rush hour. By the time I get back, it’ll be late and I’ve still got to pack and take care of some emails. (He storms away to his office.)

Score—victimized husband, 0; unappreciated wife, 0.

Fearing and Rebelling against Authority

Artists live according to their own values, even if it means breaking the rules of society. If they think taxes are excessive, they will refuse to pay them. If they believe their manager’s policy on personal calls at work is unfair, they will simply not comply. Their fear of being controlled and overpowered by those in authority causes them to blame someone higher up when they can’t follow through on their commitments.

Upshifting to Their Self-Actualizing System

For Artists to upshift to their SA System, they need to become more self-aware and redirect their striving energy by doing the following.