Wholehearted (10 page)

“More?” he asked.

“No, I’m good. Thanks, though,” Lucas replied.

They drank their tea in comfortable silence, the awkwardness and discomfort melted away by the outburst Declan had allowed himself to have. The air was clear, and they were able to just
be
for a little while.

Declan put his feet up on the coffee table, stretching his legs out, and let his head fall back against the sofa. He was sated and content. Falling asleep wouldn’t be a problem for him. He was almost ready to sleep right then. He glanced at the clock. It was after nine. The day had taken its toll on both of them.

“We should probably get to bed. You definitely need your sleep, and I should be up early.”

“Do you have to go in to work?”

“No, but I’m on call. So I should at least be conscious in case I’m needed.”

“Oh, right.”

Lucas rose from the couch and walked down the hall. Declan followed close behind him.

“Good night, Lucas,” he said when they reached his bedroom door.

Lucas turned and looked at him, a strange expression on his face. Declan didn’t have time to decipher it before he felt Lucas’s lips pressed softly against his.

D
ECLAN
WAS
so stunned he couldn’t move; he just froze there in the hallway, not quite understanding if what was happening to him was real. He had replayed a scenario much like this one over and over in his head, but he never thought in a thousand years it would actually happen.

Lucas pulled back, the hurt from Declan’s lack of response etched onto his face. Declan’s heart fell.

“Oh my God,” Lucas said, the hurt quickly turning to panic. “Fuck. I didn’t….”

“No Lucas, I wasn’t… it’s not….” Declan didn’t know what to say to stop the man from freaking out. Lucas quickly turned and fled into his room, closing his door firmly behind him. Declan was left in the hallway, stunned by what had just happened.

He took a second to get himself under control before knocking gently on Lucas’s door.

“Just go away, Declan. I didn’t mean to.”

“Lucas, no, it’s not like that.”

“Declan, seriously, just go away.”

“Lucas, please let me in.”

“Fuck off, Declan. I mean it.”

Declan couldn’t fuck off. He couldn’t walk away from the man behind the door. If he left it until morning, irreparable damage may have been done.

He tried the doorknob, knowing before he hit resistance that Lucas would have locked it. “Please open the door, Lucas. I just want to talk to you.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Just forget it happened.”

“I can’t do that, and I’m not leaving here until you open the door.”

Declan waited for the brusque response that never came. A few minutes later, he heard the lock click open, but the door remained closed.

He turned the handle slowly and pushed the door open. Lucas was sitting on the bed facing away from him. Declan walked over to Lucas, stood in front of him, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. He knew if he took them out, he would reach out to touch Lucas, and he didn’t want to freak him out any more than he already was.

“What was that?” Declan asked.

“Nothing. I don’t know what I was thinking. It must be the meds, they make me loopy.”

“You said you weren’t taking the meds.”

“What the fuck ever. It was nothing, but if you’re going to kick my ass or arrest me, or whatever, could you just wait until my arm’s outta this cast?”

“Why would I want to kick your ass?”

“Because I’m queer.”

The pieces were all starting to fall into place. “That’s why you were beaten, right? Someone attacked you for being gay?”

“I don’t remember.”

Declan could feel Lucas beginning to withdraw again. If he wasn’t careful, he could destroy the progress that had been so difficult to make.

He stepped closer to Lucas who was staring intently at his own lap. “Lucas,” he said. He didn’t move; he just kept staring. Declan reached out and touched his face, stroking down his cheek and lifting his head with a gentle finger under his chin.

Lucas’s eyes were so expressive. Declan felt as though he could read every emotion, every fear and every desire in them. He leaned forward, gradually, giving Lucas time to back away if he wanted to. Lucas’s eyes widened, but he stayed put, waiting for Declan to close the last few inches of space between them.

Declan kissed him, slowly at first, reveling in the feeling of Lucas’s lips, so soft and pliant beneath his own. He slid his hand behind Lucas’s ear, encouraging him, giving him something else to feel, to ground them together. He kissed him long and slow. Lucas responded to him so easily, opening for him, melting into him.

He eased up; brushing his hands along Lucas’s cheek as he gently broke the kiss.

“Is this okay?” Lucas asked hesitantly.

“More than okay,” Declan reassured him, kissing him on the forehead. This was different for Declan, to see Lucas like this. Up until now Declan believed he only operated in two modes, asshole and completely withdrawn. This was something else. Declan liked it. A lot.

Declan kissed him deeper and gently guided him backward to lie down on the bed. Lucas moved with him, never breaking their kiss. Lucas whimpered into his mouth, and Declan pulled back abruptly.

“Oh God, did I hurt you?”

Lucas’s lips were swollen and wet. He looked like sex incarnate. He just shook his head, laced his fingers though the hair on the back of Declan’s head, and pulled him back down.

Lucas’s uninjured hand wasn’t idle then, running along Declan’s side, his fingertips brushing lightly against the skin just under the hem of his shirt. Lucas moaned low into Declan’s mouth as Declan touched and teased Lucas right back.

The noises were making Declan crazy, the moans and whimpers ratcheting up his arousal. The kisses were becoming deeper and more fevered. Declan needed to feel skin on skin. He dipped his hand to Lucas’s waist and tugged on the drawstring that held his pants right. Lucas’s eyes shot open, and he forcefully pushed Declan off him.

“Stop, no!” he shouted.

“Lucas, I’m sorry.” Declan tried to reach for him, but Lucas shot off the bed and across the room before Declan could get to him.

“Oh God,” he cried, scrubbing his hand down his face.

“Lucas, tell me what’s wrong,” Declan said.

“I don’t know. It was good. It felt so good, and then I couldn’t breathe, and I just panicked.”

Declan stepped across the room, but stopped short of touching the other man. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I was moving a little fast. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.”

“You weren’t, though. I mean, I’m not some blushing virgin. I’ve done this before, but I’ve never….”

“Freaked out?”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Lucas shrugged.

“C’mon, just come and sit on the bed with me. I won’t touch you. I promise.”

“But I want you to touch me.”

Declan grinned. “Well, then I’ll touch you a little, but we’ll just go slow. No pressure.”

Declan picked up Lucas’s hand and led him to the bed. He pulled back the covers and motioned for him to climb in. Lucas did, shimmying over to make room for Declan. Declan climbed in after him and sat down beside him, leaning his back against the headboard but keeping a few inches of space between them.

“So what went through your head a moment ago?”

“I don’t know exactly. It felt good, really good to be kissing you and my body wanted to be there, but my head just kinda spun, and I freaked.”

“It’s not a big deal, Lucas. We don’t have to do anything. Not tonight, not ever if you don’t want to. Let’s just take it slow. You’re here for at least six weeks, there’s no rush,” Declan assured him. He was already beginning to hope that the six weeks would turn into a lot longer, like forever kind of longer, but he wasn’t ready to let Lucas know yet. If he was scared by a couple of kisses, there was no way he was ready to hear about the things Declan was starting to feel for him.

Declan thrummed his fingers against his chest, keeping them busy and avoiding reaching out to intertwine them with Lucas’s.

“You feeling tired?”

“A little.”

Declan leaned over and twisted the knob to turn off the bedside light, bathing the room in darkness.

“Close your eyes, then. You should try to get some sleep.”

Lucas spoke then, his voice almost too quiet for Declan to hear. “Can you stay? Just for a bit.”

“Stay?” Declan asked, a bit dumbfounded.

“Yeah, just lie with me, and talk to me for a bit.”

“What do you wanna talk about?”

“I dunno. Anything, I guess.”

Declan hesitated, knowing that this was his moment. He could take this opportunity to come clean with Lucas about his reasons for leaving Texas. “You wanna hear how I ended up in Hope Cove?”

“Yeah,” Lucas said softly.

Declan lay down next to Lucas, over the covers, but close enough that he could feel the other man’s body heat through the cotton. The room was dark; he couldn’t see anything, but he could hear the steady breathing as Lucas waited for Declan to tell his story.

“After I graduated from Arizona State, I moved to Texas to work at the police department in Austin. It was great for the first few months. I was a rookie beat cop. I got the worst shifts and the shittiest assignments. I was basically the department bitch, but I loved every second of it. Flicking those lights on and blasting off across town to swoop in and save the day got my adrenaline going like nothing else.

“I loved the job, and no matter what kind of hell the other guys put me through, I took everything in stride, just happy to be part of the boys in blue. I’d been there a few months working with a different partner almost every shift, before I was finally assigned a permanent partner. I was elated. You watch movies and TV shows that show the PD like a brotherhood, and your partner is your lifeline, your best friend, your everything. I was looking forward to that the most.

“I never had brothers and even though I’d had plenty of friends, I was missing that connection. I thought my partner would fill that role. My partner was this guy, Tim Hawkins. He seemed like a good enough guy. We did our first few shifts together and we got along really well. We had a ton in common and he had been on the force a few years longer than me. I had high hopes that I’d be able to learn a lot from him.

“A few weeks after we were assigned as partners, we started hanging out socially. It was pretty casual at first, pool after work, or a few beers with the guys at the bar. It became routine to spend time together after shift. Both of us were single and didn’t have anyone at home waiting on us. You can probably guess what happened next.”

“You guys got involved?”

“Kind of. Things seemed like they were leading that way. My gaydar has always been mostly dysfunctional. At first, it was just light flirting. I started noticing little things, like he would go out of his way to touch me, especially when we were alone together. The touches kept getting longer and more affectionate, then one night everything just came to a head, no pun intended.”

“You fucked?”

“Not exactly. We had worked a split shift that day and it had been an especially bad shift. A drug deal had gone badly; a mother trying to score meth had invited the dealer into her apartment. They smoked together and it turned out that she didn’t have the money to pay the guy and tried to trade sex for the drugs, but the dealer refused. When she couldn’t pay, he shot her. The kid got in the way and the guy shot her too.”

“Oh wow. That’s fucking harsh.”

“Yeah. It was my first kid fatality. I actually puked on the sidewalk outside the building. I was a mess. After that, all I wanted to do was go home, lock myself in my apartment, and never come out again. I just couldn’t get that kid’s face out of my head. This perfect child who had never done anything to deserve what happened to her. Little blond thing, curly hair. She actually looked like a little angel.”

“I’m sorry, Declan.”

“I’ve had a long time to deal with the fallout from it. I’ve almost gotten to a point where I can think about it without wanting to fall apart. You never forget your first kid.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, none of the witnesses were willing to come forward and even though I
knew
it had been the guy, there was nothing we could do to tie him to the murders, so he walked. I was a wreck. Tim brought me home, and we finished off a full forty-ounce bottle of rum. Most of the night is still patchy for me. There are some things I still haven’t been able to remember, but I remember standing in my living room and breaking down. I was crying, and I dropped to my knees in front of Tim. All I wanted was for him to hold me. I buried my face against his stomach and cried for what felt like hours.

“All I remember after that was undoing his belt and, well, you know.”

“You blew him.”

“Yeah. And he seemed to really be into it. He didn’t stop me or anything, and from what I remember, he was fairly… enthusiastic about the whole thing.”

“So what happened? He blabbed to the department about it after?”