Wholehearted (11 page)

“No, it turns out he was filming me with his cell phone. The next morning, the video had been emailed to every computer in the precinct.”

“Oh shit. What happened?”

“Well no one knew who it was I was blowing, the camera angle only showed a not-so-impressively sized cock in my mouth. Most of the precinct shunned me, wouldn’t speak to me, but the few that did made up for the ones that wouldn’t. I was called every foul name in the book. Most made the term ‘faggot’ seem like a term of endearment.”

“You didn’t tell them it was your partner you were blowing?”

“No, Tim would have denied it, and it would have been my word against his.”

“So what did you do?”

“Nothing. I kept my head down and my mouth shut. I did my job and tried to ignore everything else. Tim requested a replacement partner and the chief granted his request immediately. I hoped that that would be the first step to putting the whole thing behind me, but it wasn’t. Even though he wasn’t my partner any more, he was the leader of the queer-hunt, complete with metaphorical pitchforks and angry villagers. Then one night after shift, everything went to shit.”

Lucas shifted next to him, sliding his hand across the blankets and resting it on Declan’s belly.

Declan took a deep breath and continued. “I was on my way home after work, I had parked the car and was unlocking the front door to my apartment building when someone grabbed me from behind. I tried to reach for my gun, but he managed to get there first and withdrew it from the holster before I could. Not that it would have done me much good—it wasn’t loaded—but that told me that the guy was likely a cop. Those were moves we were taught in the academy.”

“Did you see who it was? Did they hurt you?” Lucas’s voice was low, like a scared child hearing a ghost story for the first time.

“There were three of them, all with masks. I never got a good look at them, but I know they were from my precinct. They told me fags had no place on the force, and that if I knew what was good for me I would put in my notice and move. They punched me hard enough that my ribs were bruised for two weeks and left me winded and hurting in the parking lot.

“I had no idea which officers had been the ones to jump me, but it was fairly obvious that everyone in the precinct had the same feelings on the subject. I did what I was told, handing in my resignation the next morning.

“The chief didn’t even ask me why I was leaving, just took the form and told me I could be relieved of my duties immediately. I left the station, went home, and started packing. Three hours later, I had everything packed into my car and I drove north as far as I could until I ended up tired and lost in Hope Cove. Mack pulled me over just inside the city limits for a broken taillight.

“I swear to God it was fate, because as soon as he looked at me he realized I was in no condition to be driving. I’d been awake for almost forty-eight hours, and I was completely exhausted. He phoned Nancy Webber and set me up at the inn. The next morning I went into the station to thank him for helping me, and he offered me a job. The rest, as they say, is history.”

H
E
WAS
exhausted. Lethargy had set in heavily after the catharsis of finally telling someone the whole story had washed over him. He’d had to tell Mack bits and pieces; he didn’t know how much of his past would follow him to Hope Cove. As much as he hated reflecting on such bad memories, he didn’t want Mack to find out from someone else and think he was being deceptive.

He had tried to hide it for a while after he first arrived. The scars were too fresh to reopen the wounds and tell all his secrets to the perfect strangers who had become his only family. Oliver had been the one to change his mind. He had known right away what Oliver was, and it scared the shit out of him. If he could tell Oliver was gay, then surely Oliver knew he was too. The more he got to know the man, though, the less it mattered, and he found himself wanting to confide in someone for the first time in a long time.

Later that month, Oliver and Mack had come out to the whole town, and Declan had felt a sense of relief at his own situation. It wasn’t only relief that it wasn’t likely he was going to be fired for being gay, but that there were other people like him who knew how he felt and would understand his reasons for keeping the information to himself.

The room fell silent for a long time after Declan finished his story. He thought that Lucas might have fallen asleep beside him. He tried to listen for the slow, even breathing to confirm his theory, but couldn’t hear anything definitive. He told himself he would wait a few more minutes, just wait a little longer before he hauled himself out of the bed and back to his own room.

He was about to get up when he heard the sound of fabric rustling next to him and then the warmth of Lucas’s hand sliding along his own.

Declan unfurled his fingers, curling them back around Lucas’s. They lay that way in the dark, hands intertwined. Declan let out the breath he had been holding and relaxed into the innocent touch.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Lucas whispered.

“Bad stuff just happens sometimes. I spent a long time trying to figure out why it happened to me. I didn’t know what exactly I had done that had been so wrong. I grew up in California. Homosexuality is a little more accepted there than other places in America, but even a state as liberal as that isn’t without its share of assholes who think who you love is their business. I never hid who I was, but I wasn’t exactly carrying the rainbow flag in the pride parade, either.

“Then I moved to Arizona for college. I fooled around and found my place, and for a long time, I thought I’d figured out who I was. When I moved to Texas, it was a little like moving backward. I went from being open and okay with myself to being back in the closet. It wasn’t something I had necessarily ever wanted to do, but I justified it by telling myself what I was giving up in personal freedom, I was gaining in a love for my career. All I’d ever wanted to do was be a cop, and Austin gave me that opportunity, with a chance to move up the ranks quickly. It was everything I had ever wanted, and if I had to lie about who I was, then so be it. I knew that it wasn’t forever, but in the meantime I had to be careful about who knew my secrets. Up until that one night with Tim, I didn’t trust anyone enough to tell.

“After that, I was ashamed and embarrassed, and above all confused. I had always known that there were people out there who didn’t understand my preferences, and that had always been okay with me. I can’t say I understand theirs either, but Austin was the first time anything truly bad had ever happened to me. It made me question who I was.”

“When did you know?”

“Know what?”

“That you liked guys….”

“There wasn’t really an epiphany moment for me. I know some guys have them. I didn’t. I just always knew. I liked boys. My life wasn’t dramatic. There was no unrequited love for my best friend, or angsty coming out to my parents. I always knew, and I never hid my feelings from them, so they always knew. My sister is straight and they always treated us just the same.”

“You were lucky.”

“Yeah, I was. I’ve always known it. When did you know?” Declan asked.

Lucas didn’t respond right away. Declan worried that he shouldn’t have asked. Up until now, Lucas seemed to be okay with the talking since the focus was set squarely on Declan. He wasn’t sure how Lucas would respond to him digging around for details about his past.

Finally, Lucas said, “The seventh grade.”

“What happened in the seventh grade?”

“I went to my brother’s football practice for the first time. He had just started high school, and he tried out for the football team. Everyone in our family knew he was going to do well. Mike had always been the athletic one in the family and football was like a religion in our house. My dad was so goddamn proud of him when he came home and announced that he had made the team. You’d think he’d invented a way to turn piss into beer for all the cheers and hugs he got. So anyway, the whole family trekked down to the field for his first practice. It was the beginning of the season, no actual games yet, and most of the guys were new, hadn’t even gotten their gear yet, so they were just running drills. It was still the preseason, and hot as fuck in Illinois, so as the practice went on, the guys on the team were peeling off more and more clothes.”

“And you got hard.”

“Fuck yeah, I did. There was one guy. I didn’t know who he was, just that I wanted to touch him, he was hot as fuck and beating my brother at everything. I’ll admit that may have been part of his charm. I saw him and I knew.”

“Just like that?”

“Yup. I mean, I’d always liked boys. I didn’t like spending time with girls much, but that was normal for boys my age. I didn’t really think anything of it, but watching that guy running half naked around the field, that smacked me in the face harder than if he’d actually thrown the football at me.”

“Did you tell anyone?”

“Nope. No one knew. No one knows.”

“You still haven’t told them?”

“It never really came up. I barely made it through high school, working odd jobs after school to make money. No idea what I was saving for; I didn’t go to college. I left home as soon as I could, and no one ever asked.”

“You still keep in touch with your family?”

“A phone call at Christmas. That’s about all. Mike is married now, two kids. My sister Laura is engaged. I suppose I’ll have to go home for the wedding, but they’re closer to my parents than I ever was. They were the kids to be proud of. I’m just the younger screw-up brother with shit for brains who can’t do anything but sling traps off the side of a boat.”

Declan tightened his fingers around Lucas’s. “So you mentioned you did construction for a while and then got into fishing. You were on a lobster boat until last week. Was that the end of the run?”

Declan could feel Lucas’s hand tensing at the question. The conversation had been flowing so well, he felt he should take the opportunity to ask.

“I don’t really remember,” Lucas said vaguely.

“That’s still what you’re going with?” Declan asked. He was trying not to act like a princess in a huff, but the hiding and denials were wearing thin.

“I told you I don’t remember.”

“And I think you remember more than you’re saying. You’re not telling me the whole truth. If you’re scared, I understand. I know. It’s scary. I’ve been through something similar. At least, I think I have. I really have no idea because you won’t talk to me.”

Lucas withdrew his hand, distancing himself both physically and emotionally from Declan.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me,” Declan pressed.

“I told you that I don’t need your help.”

“I think you do.”

“Maybe, to drive me to the doctor and help me change my bandages, but I don’t need your help resolving the situation. There is nothing to resolve.”

“What’s your grand master plan, then? Stay here until the cast comes off and then head off and try to find some other boat to work on?”

“Yup. That’s pretty much it.”

“Well your plan sucks,” Declan said, fully aware he sounded like a petulant teenager who wasn’t getting his way. He couldn’t help it, though. His back was up and he was in defensive mode. When he was in defensive mode, he reverted back to adolescence. He was hurt and he was frustrated. All he wanted was for Lucas to trust him. He’d done everything he could think of to get the guy to do just that. He’d saved his life, stayed with him at the hospital, brought him home, given him food and clothes and a place to stay. He’d assured him that he wanted to find the person or people who had done this to him, but none of it seemed to be enough. It was incredibly frustrating and hurtful.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter what you think,” Lucas said, his voice becoming quiet. “I’ll only be here a short time, and then you’ll never have to see me again. You can forget you ever met me and everything will go back to normal, for the both of us.”

“Fine,” Declan retorted, but really that was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want to go back to his normal life. His normal life sucked. He liked Lucas, and despite the man’s reticence to open up, the moments when his defenses weren’t up, Declan really liked him. There was something about him. Something special that shifted Declan’s world into focus.

“I’m really tired,” Lucas said, the hinting tone in his voice heavy.

“Okay, yeah. You should get some sleep.” Declan rolled his body from the bed and stepped across the room in the dark.

“Good night, Declan,” he heard Lucas say from the bed. “I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.”

Declan’s anger melted a little at the apology.

He slipped from the room, saying good night quietly as he closed the door behind him. He made his way to his room, reluctant to brush his teeth, still able to taste Lucas on his tongue. He stripped down and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up over him. He replayed the night’s events through in his head, gauging both his actions and Lucas’s reactions. The equation came up skewed way out of proportion. He had been an ass. It wasn’t Lucas’s fault, and he was being stubborn and pigheaded. Patience had never been his most prominent personality trait. He needed to school his impatience and wait for Lucas to become comfortable around him. They’d only been under the same roof for a few days. If he’d had someone nosing around about what happened in Texas three days after the fact, he would have gotten snarky too.