Why Me? (13 page)

Hope you like it!

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Time for payment

Bob it is exciting to see the book all together but this is not how i would speak with the bad language. I told you i am a charity giver and lover of God so why would i speak like this please change it. other things wrong also with the wolves and the prison because i have never committed a crime bob can't you see the crime has all been done on me. and why would the wolves be there because i told you i had good parents.

Ok bob you have had a lot from me and this book will now be a big success for you and your house will grow bigger even so send me now $5000 bob you know this is fair here is western union information send today bob.

NAME:

COUNTRY:

STATE:

BRANCH:

TEST QUESTION: MARY

TEST ANSWER: RILEY

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: Could you handle Rice?

Mary,

Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately the bad language has to stay. I don't like it myself but because of computer games and rappers such as Biggie Smalls and Nick Berry all the kids are used to famous people speaking like dockers and, sadly, that includes you.

It would actually work in our favour if you could develop what the nippers call a ‘beef' with someone else in the public eye. Would you mind if I send out a press release where you challenge Aneka Rice to a fight? Photo attached, think you could you take her?

Yours,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

sad times publishing 1

----------------

From: Mary Riley

To: Bob Servant

Subject: How can i fight when i am dying

What is this what are you talking about. I will not fight someone and i only doing the book because you have asked me. where is my payment? I am not taking part in this any more until you make me payment immediately of $1000. that is more than fair.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Mary Riley

Subject: Rice is boiling over

Mary,

Things have backfired a bit. Aneka Rice wants your home address, can you send it over? She is actually very fit for her age and I can't help thinking it was a bit daft of you to publicly challenge her to a fight in your condition.

Under these circumstances I'm afraid we can no longer represent you here at Sad Times. While we don't mind signing up people with a bit of an edge, you seem to be dangerously unhinged Mary and I think it would be best for everyone if we go our separate ways.

Yours in fear,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

NO REPLY

26
This isn't Bob's house. In fact, it's the Monifieth home of Snow Patrol keyboardist Tom ‘Tommy' Simpson.
This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd
.

27
The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never shot a postman. He did, however, strangle his milkman in 1978. See
Your Headlines Tonight: The Trevor McDonald Story
p. 104 (‘I waited behind the dustbins until I saw him make his way up the path then sprung out like a panther and wrapped my hands around his neck. Afterwards I felt sick. I called Nicholas Witchell who told his wife he was opening a new Presto supermarket in Titchfield and drove straight round in his Volvo estate. We buried the milkman in a shallow grave on the edge of the New Forest. I remember Nicholas lightening the mood while we struggled to lift the milkman's body by joking that the milkman was “full fat”. I always appreciated Nicholas for making that joke at what was a difficult time for me, and I would like to thank him again in print. Thank you, Nicholas, and, as the saying goes, I still owe you a pint! And not of milk!')

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Help me

Hello my Dearest,

Due to my critical condition right now i will not hesitate to make known to you all about me so please do not deter as i am going to expose a lot about myself and background here to you. I am residing in Beylane camp as a refugee and as a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.

My name is Mr Owen Bell, am 24 years old. I am from Liberia in West Africa. Am the only child of my parents and am studying law in the university before my parents past away. And my hope and aim to becoming a successful lawyer, but now my parents are no more. they were killed by civil war going on in my country.

My late father Dr Patrick Bell, before his death deals and owned a company in Monrovia Liberia,

Please listen to this and try to keep it to your self only. When my father was alive, he deposited some money in a bank and he used my name as next of kin. Now due to my refugee status and the law guiding this camp, i cannot make claims by myself, i need a partner preferably a foreigner who will stand on my behalf to the bank

I am helpless without you, i am having no account, no raw money at hand for it is my wish to further life abroad. Send to me Your Full names, address , occupation and telephone number:

Mr Owen Bell

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Quick one

Owen,

Ever thought of writing a book?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: What do you mean?

What is this about a book I am telling you about my troubles here in the camp so you must pay attention and read again the email. I need you to stand for me to the bank

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Here's the gist of it

Owen,

Apologies, let me tell you a little more. I am the managing editor of an English publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We print, as you'll have guessed, sad stories and in recent years we've had some of the biggest selling sad stories in England including