Why Me? (17 page)
Authors: Neil Forsyth
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From: Michael Wong
To: Bob Servant
Subject: He is your son Bob
Bob what is wrong with you? you are speak of your son i think your only son from what you said and you do not want him now? because of one mistake with this girl? bob let timmy come home and speak to him and yes if she looks like this at all then maybe the girl must go but not timmy as well. Come on bob sort this problem but most important send me your banking information now so at least we can start.
You are a great concern to me bob causing problems even with my sleep
Michael
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From: Bob Servant
To: Michael Wong
Subject: Sorry
Sorry Michael, I don't want Timmy back. I've stuck a pool table in his bedroom for a start. I've always fancied myself as a bit of pool player but I have always held back from putting a table in there out of respect for the fact that Timmy needs somewhere to sleep. But, as we both know, he has thrown that kindness back in my face. I sacrificed what could have been a promising career as a pool player for that kid and now it's time for me to finally have a crack at the pool big time.
The last few days have been a traumatic time for me, Michael, and I think I deserve a lot of sympathy and respect for what I've gone through. Please show some decency by not contacting me for a suitable period. Let's say 18 months.
See you on the other side,
Bob
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From: Michael Wong
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Sorry
WHT ARE YOU SAYING NOW TO ME BOB????? AFTER ALL THIS AND MANY DAYS YOU ARE SAYIING THIS? YOU HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH ANYTHING BOB IT IS ME AND YOUR SON TIMMY WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH AND NOW YOU WANT TO FORGET YOUR SON AND PLAY POOL IN HIS ROOM JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT IS MORE FUN THAN HAVING A SON??? AND TO ME YOU GIVE THIS LACK OF RESPECT DESPITE ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY U WRITE BACK RITE NOW
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From: Timmy Servant
To: Michael Wong
Subject: We're coming
Michael,
My dad won't let me back in the house because he says he is a professional pool player now so my girlfriend and I are coming to you in Malaysia by sea.
My girlfriend says she could play second row for your national rugby team. We've got a boat which you can see in the photo. see you in a couple of weeks
Timmy
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From: Michael Wong
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: No Timmy
Timmy DO NOT come out to Malaysia. In fact i am going on holiday now for six months so will not be here anyway. Your dad is strange in the mind timmy i suggest you tell the police or local courts. I am going on holiday now with my family so cannot talk to you any more. And i do not think you should go on this boat anywhere at all because it does not look strong enough for sea.
Good bye and only good luck for you timmy to deal with that man Bob your father because he is not right.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Michael Wong
Subject: (no subject)
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NO REPLY
30
The suggestion that pop legend Cliff Richard has, at any point, defecated in the umpire's chair at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships is absolutely outrageous. Richard (71) is a lifelong tennis fan and a great supporter of the famous sporting event. In 1996, when rain stopped play, Richard memorably thrilled soaked fans with an impromptu medley of his greatest hits. The fans, who had been despondent due to the inclement weather, reacted with undisguised glee and were soon singing along to the better-known sections of the medley. The idea that Richard would risk his deep reserve of goodwill from the British tennis public, who have gone through so much already, by depositing his elderly human waste in the umpire's chair (a feat of unlikely acrobaticism as well as moral bankruptcy) does not merit any more discussion.
31
See
The Dundee Courier
, 29 April 2011, p.1: â
Brave Dundonians Enjoy Bonus Public Holiday with Breathtaking Dignity'
, and p.26: â
Balding Englishman Weds'
.
32
Not true. The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never killed a hairdresser. He did, however, murder a newsagent in 1985. See
Your Headlines Tonight: The Sir Trevor McDonald Story
p.163 (âTime seemed to stand still. I reached for a Curly Wurly and used it to slap him hard across the face. He said “You're Sir Trevor McDonald, why are you doing this?” and I answered in a strange, almost girlish voice, “Naughty Trevor's broken all his toys.” I swept round the counter like a leopard and garrotted him with my bare hands. Afterwards I felt sick. I called Moira Stewart who told her husband that she was doing a charity lunch for Barnardo's and drove straight round in her Ford Capri. We buried the newsagent in a shallow grave near Dorking. I remember as I shovelled the last of the soil into place Moira joked, “And that's all from us!” It was a quip that was worth its weight in gold at what was a challenging time for me.')
33
See the Advertisements Section of
The Dundee Courier
, 27 April 2011. â
Why Should He Get All the Fun?! Celebrate Your Son's First Skirt with Our Battered Sausage Family Platter
.'
34
This isn't Bob's house. In fact, it's the Glasgow home of Belle and Sebastian drummer Richard âRico' Colburn.
This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd
.
35
For Bob the phrase âa bit Spielberg' denotes either a major surprise or, illogically, having an upset stomach. As in âStewpot's not been washing his hands, I had one of his sandwiches and I'm feeling a bit Spielberg'.
Bob the Poet
From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Good Day to You
Dear Sir,
Greetings to you and your family. I am an accountant and I am only doing this business with you in confident hoping that nobody will betray each other at the end of this transaction, let me reassure you that there is no risk practically involved in this, all i want you to do is to stand claim as the original depositor of some funds I am the boss off.
Funds generated after the annual account i placed it in what we call (ESCROW) call account, in brief escrow call account is an account without a beneficiary. All i want from you is to apply to my head office demanding them to close your account and transfer your funds into your designated bank in your country or your business area as the case maybe it is a bank to bank transfer.
After our success i would like you to introduce me into a lucrative business. Please, don't mention my name to my head office or to anybody for the sake of my life, job and for them not to raise eyebrows on the fund. God bless and best regards to your family
Mr. Brook Tafawa
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mr Brook Tafawa
Subject: RE: Good Day To You
Hello there,
I am very interested though I should warn you that I am a top-level poet and speak almost entirely in poetry.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Mr Brook Tafawa
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Good Day To You
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your acceptance to work with me. In fact to tell you the truth, i am so delighted about your message to me may the good Lord in his infinite mercy enlarge your health for good this season Amen. i have already paid for the transfer charges before i contacted you. If you can go through my message again you will understand my plight and why i contacted you, i explained myself and i left with you my private number for oral conversation
Please do not mention my name to my head office for the sake of my job. i believe this is my life time opportunity and i don't want to miss this life time opportunity, i have full trust in you and pray that the good lord who brought us together will perfect his wish to us. it will only take us three working days to have this fund transferred depending on our seriousness over this issue.