Why Me? (20 page)

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: You must buy bibles

Bob

Yes like yo say you must tidy up this room properly for use Sunday. This is good that there is to be a church but be careful about the toilet because God name must always be used in place with respect. There is no mention of this being mad situation in bible Bob you are saying it wrong again. you might have different bible to me. that is why you buy must books from me to make sure you are equip with right bible for the scottland people.

remember about the books. If i can have the money today i believe you can get the parcel at your doorstep first thing monday morning through Express courier services DHL. You have all payment detail.

Rev. James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Up to four!

Hi James,

Thanks for giving the toilet the nod and don't worry I'll give it a wee tidy later. Right, things are heating up here ahead of tomorrow's first congregation of the Church of Broughty Ferry. I'm very pleased to say I have three confirmed guests. They are:

My neighbour and best pal Frank. Frank used to work for me on the windowcleaning and the burger vans so I suppose you can say he's been a disciple for a few years. He's Judassed me on a few occasions, I'm not going to deny it, but he's also been my Moses when I've needed him. I think we can trust him, James, and I'm giving him the vice-captain position.

Tommy Peanuts. Tommy's an old pal of mine and he's struggling to come to terms with his divorce from his wife. Believe it or not she left him in 1987 for a guy with a Fiat Corsa and a nice line in sarcasm but things are as bad as ever so I thought he should come along and hear what God has to say about things.

Mrs Henderson. She's a game old bird who I met at Safeways tonight. She's quite blind but but we had a good chat and she clearly still knows what side the bread's buttered on so I invited her along. It'll be good to have some skirt there anyway.

I know it's not the best turnout in the world James but, as it says in the bible, ‘three's a crowd'.

Right I need to get this sermon written for tomorrow, better go.

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Bibles

Bob

You did not even mention bibles i have them heer for you all agreed? Wheers is the money for these book bob you promised are you not religous man like you said? you show again that you are using the wrong bible with these words

Yes three people is ok for now – out of seeds grow bigger plants bob this is what to remember. A sermon is always needed of course best to speak to people hearts bob and have them find connection of their own with God.

Send money for bibles and i can have them rush job to you DHL

James

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: The Sermon

Hi James,

OK I've had a shot at the sermon and I am very proud to send you the attached. I hope you like it because I think it presses all the right buttons. As Jesus says in the bible ‘I'm happy as Larry'.

That's me off to bed ahead of the big day tomorrow. I will dream of Jesus (not in a saucy way). I hope you have a good night. May God be with you (not in a saucy way).

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Sermon OK

Bob this is all fine you talk well off god tho maybe it is little confusing with the other people but god is there and this is fine and yes it is right for hallejulahg and to end everything with the AMEN.

It is Sunday now bob and you have not bought the bibles so this is very rong and you musst know this too bob. ok well let us say the bibbles will be with you next week and then you will be ready to go through with the second meeting of your new CHURCH.

Good luck today bob let me kno if the great sucess i know it will be and then you can send the money for the bibles OK Bob.

GOOD LUCK

Rev. James Joseph

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: I'm Having Doubts

James,

Well, where to begin? It's fair to say that the Church of Broughty Ferry didn't go exactly as you and I had hoped. It started not too bad. Tommy, Frank and Mrs Henderson all showed up and I stood outside the toilet and welcomed them with a bit of a pat on the back and some of the ‘God Be With You' stuff. I made a wee joke about the steps up to the toilet being our ‘Stairway to Heaven' and the atmosphere was pretty decent when I climbed up onto the taps for the sermon.

Unfortunately I had just started my speech when Slim Smith came into the toilet. He didn't say anything and none of the others saw him. He just shook his head and went straight into a cubicle. I was knocked off my stride but for a moment it seemed like we'd get away it.

Then he started. James, the noises that Slim made were simply inhumane. What came out of that cubicle sounded like a drunken brass band. Unfortunately at the first blast from the cubicle Mrs Henderson thought it was the opening note of Onward Christian Soldiers and started singing away, which got Frank started. They barely knew the words so trying to match their singing up to Slim's ‘tune' was a tough job for them. Then Tommy Peanuts started crying which I thought was because of his divorce but was actually because he was standing nearest the cubicle.

In the end I had to climb down from the sinks and lead the congregation outside. Mrs Henderson said I should sack my organist and stormed off, Tommy went away to drown his sorrows and me and Frank waited for Slim. He finally came out looking very sorry for himself and said he'd had an entire pork belly for breakfast. Frank tried to lighten the mood by saying that at least Slim had ‘made a donation' but I told Frank it was not a laughing matter and walked away with my head held high but my heart feeling like a lava lamp.

That's me back at the house now, James, and I just don't know what to say. What kind of God would allow this to happen? What kind of God would convince Slim Smith to eat an entire pork belly for breakfast? I just don't know any more, James. I'm wondering that maybe there is no God after all and we've both been duped?

Yours In Doubt,

Bob

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From: James Joseph

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: I'm Having Doubts

Bob I start to think you are for joking because this is just too extreme now. a man went to the toilet in the church and this made a man cry and everything go bust? Come on bob this is not right it cannot be for true.

If you are real and this is what you are really doing in scottland then show me by sending the money today for your books and do not let me down bob because i already have the books from the printers and they are packed and all ready nice for you

James

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From: Bob Servant

To: James Joseph

Subject: Hold Tight!

James,

I have had a message from God and Jesus! I was sitting down for breakfast having a wee think about how maybe all the God stuff is bollocks when I picked up my banana and, well, you just wouldn't believe it James. My eyes aren't as good as they used to be but if you hold the banana in a certain light and kind of screw your eyes up it looks a little bit like Jesus. Maybe I'm wrong, but I nearly choked to death on my Shreddies. Can you see anything?

Yours in Hope,

Bob

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NO REPLY

37
See
The Dundee Courier
15 July 2011: ‘
Singer “Mystified and Humbled” by Dundee Baby-naming Statistics.'

38
A pretty confused rendition from Bob of the opening section of
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
. The ‘wee boy' was the 10-year-old character Charlie Bucket who chanced upon the golden wrapping of a chocolate bar and as a result was granted access to the aforementioned chocolate factory. At no point in the film was Charlie shown wearing gold underpants and he was certainly not pressurised by Wonka into putting some on. Neither, for that matter, did the two of them visit a disco.

39
Prince Charles, the dogged heir to the British throne, has never admitted to having sex with a cactus and nor should he. In 1993 he spoke in an unfairly mocked interview with the
Daily Telegraph
of talking to his plants with a view to helping their physical development. The Prince's admirable attempts at botany did not extend to any form of sexual coupling and to say otherwise veers, in the opinion of this committed royalist, towards treason.

40
See
Dundee Yellow Pages
, p.26, Bakeries, ‘A Pie for A Pie', 176 Clepington Road (closed Sundays).

41
Some of the things that Bob has described to me as being ‘all CGI': hovercrafts, the Grand National, the Eiffel Tower and the TV advertising campaigns of Domino's Pizza.

42
Bob learnt the phrase ‘conscientious objectors' from a World War I documentary and uses it with great abandon, usually to ‘conscientiously object' to something he has been asked to do. Off the top of my head, I have witnessed Bob ‘conscientiously object' to: buying his round in Stewpot's Bar if he has not been the main contributor to the conversation, speaking to strangers at parties, giving up his seat on the bus to elderly women and paying the VAT applied to the cover price of a pornographic magazine.

From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: To me you are love

To my dear,

Do not be surprised to hear from me. I look for love from men in your country and you were advised for me to contact as man of great honour. I want to tell to you it is a little about itself. I live in city Obst and I have very good family. Because of my work I take off a small apartment and I live in it separately from my family. But I very much frequently reach to them and I spend with them weekend. now I work as the senior seller in shop store, which sells female footwear.