Why Me? (22 page)

So as soon as Frank's finished building his telescope we should be able to see each other fine. I can't wait. I'm going to give a big ‘Dundee hello' to you and then my old pal Baz who lives in France, before Tommy Peanuts wants to borrow the telescope to check on his ex wife, then Nipper Kolacz wants to borrow it for God knows what.

I've attached a photo of myself as requested. I'm a little shy as you can see, but I hope you think I look handsome?

Bob

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This will not work

Bob

But this is not the plan bob how can you think it is. Your friend will not have the qualities to build a telescope for you to see from Scotland to Russia bob it is far too far. In fact i do not think this is something that could be built by scientists and men of study so if your friend works sales cheeseburgers then how could he do this. Come on bob stay real and think again of how we can see.

Well i have some news of this. I have been to the correct government department and i can purchase a visa to visit you for $1400. I went straight to the travel company and there can be a flight from here to you in Scotland Bob for just $1600 so this is $3000. I have some terrible news today bob that the shoe store is closing down because of no business. I am a women of belief that i am equal to man so wish I could buy this package bob but right now I am stuck and can not because the shoe store close down.

Can you send this money today bob? Bob you should not be so shy! Send a proper photo and yes i am ever glad about your Hydro Murray bob. you show a lot of support for this man and this is one reason why there is love from me for your loyalty bob.

Your love

Elena

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: Forget the Telescope

Good Evening Elena,

You're probably right, the telescope was a bit pie in the sky (no pun intended). I went and spoke to Frank earlier and said that you're going to fly over to Scotland instead. He said he would build an airport in his garden for you to land in but I said that wasn't necessary.

OK let me have a think about you coming to Scotland. The only slight problem is the Hydro. I am finding myself thinking about him all the time and I just don't know if I could give you the attention that you deserve.

That's the Hydro through to the semi finals to play the Spanish boy and I've spent all morning planning a party. Me and the boys are putting together one of the biggest buffets that Broughty Ferry's ever seen. I'm cooking up Meat Attack Cheeseburgers, Frank's bringing a wheelbarrow full of chips, Chappy Williams and Tommy Peanuts are bringing a briefcase full of chicken wings and Slim Smith is bringing a bib.

We've made a few banners:

‘Welcome to the Dunblane Hydro, Your Checkout Time is RIGHT NOW'.

‘The Pain in Spain Falls Mainly on Nadal's Brain'.

‘Welcome to Andy Murray's Spanish Restaurant. Dishes are “Served” Hot'!

This is the big one, Elena. I attach a photo of a Meat Attack for your records.

Yours,

Bob

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Who is it you love bob me or hydro?

Bob I wonder if you can give me more attention than your favourite Murray or Hydro because it seems this is all you talk about? Now you say you think about him more than you think of me what is wrong with you Bob this is not the way?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: My Darkest Hour

Elena,

The Hydro got beat. I can hardly lift my fingers to the keyboard, Elena. When I see my hands I just think, ‘the Hydro has hands too' and then I start crying like Harry Secombe has sat on my cat.

Yours in utter devastation,

Bob

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Be a proper man

Bob this is too much what is wrong with you you are 64 man and you are this sad because of a tennis? bob there is other tennis chances for the Hydro Murray and you will be alive to watch them. But this is just the chance you have with me bob, only one. And now you are danger because the chance could be gone just because of your feelings for the hydro murray player do you see bob? this is not right and you must see the sense very quick now bob before it is all too late.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Elena Denisov

Subject: My Decision

Elena,

This is the hardest email I've written since I switched from Scottish Gas to British Gas which, considering their advertising campaign, took a lot of soul searching.
⁴⁹
First I would like to thank you for the opportunity you have given me to make the choice between you and the Dunblane Hydro.

I have now given it some serious thought. On the one side there is some wonderful hair, come to bed eyes and legs to die for. On the other side is you. On the one hand there are strong forearms, great movement and an amazing collection of headbands. On the other is the Dunblane Hydro.

It was a tough choice Elena, a hell of a choice, but I have made it. I'm sorry Elena but I choose the Hydro. There's something about the kid. I choose the Hydro.

My God, Elena, I'm crying as if my granny has just announced that she's going out with Mathew Kelly.

I choose the Hydro, Elena. In the name of love I choose the Hydro.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Elena Denisov

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE My Decision

Bob you cannot be making this choice what is wrong with you. Think again bob and be quick.

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43
This isn't Bob's house. In fact, it's the oriental-inspired home of Coldplay bass guitar player Guy ‘Fife' Berryman which fairly dominates central Kirkcaldy.
This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine ltd
.

44
This is the name of a well-known hotel in Andy Murray's hometown of Dunblane. I vividly remember the day that Bob came up with this nickname for Murray, due to the seven text messages he sent me. The first message contained the nickname, the second to fifth messages read ‘What do you think?' and were sent at roughly one-minute intervals, the sixth message read ‘It's a hotel in Dunblane where he's from', and the seventh message read ‘Only use it if you say it's mine'. I received all seven messages together when I emerged from a torturous journey on the London Underground and was very tempted to go straight back down the steps.

45
See
Female Conduct in Public Spaces (Scotland) Act 2010
,
Section 1, Part IX
: ‘Females will not deliberately embarrass their partners in any public area where their partner is within ten metres of a known associate.' Also see
The Scotsman
, 16 April 2010:
‘Scottish Parliament Defends “Skirt Laws” ‘
. (‘“American TV shows and the Internet have caused confusion amongst the nation's skirt,” said a Parliament spokesman. “These should be seen as gentle reminders from an old friend.”')

46
Bell, Alexander Graham (1847–1922). Edinburgh-born inventor of the telephone. See
The Dundee Courier
, 4 August 1876:
‘Edinburgh Man Builds
Snooping Machine'
.

47
Scottish slang for radios.

48
Again, Scottish slang for radios.

49
See
The Scotsman
, 27 March 2011: ‘
Scottish Gas Reprimanded for Anti-English Campaign
' (‘Scottish Gas was fined today for an advertising campaign which suggested that British Gas generated their gas “from the tears of Scottish orphans”').

From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Do Not Ignore This

Dear Respected Sir,

I got your contact email address through internet research as i was conducting researches to link-up a reliable foreign partner to help me carry out this transaction. On coming accross your contact, i was touched spiritually and physically to connect you, with great feelings that you might be of great help to me.

I live here in Australia and work for the Australia Investments Corp. To be very honest with you, this business i have introduced to you is very genuine and highly benefitial. i have the absolute convinction that you will neither betray nor disappoint me in this transaction. I have access to a fund which if is not claimed after eight years it will enter into the bank's treasury and becomes the inherittance of the Australian government but instead I could transfer to you.

If this sounds like what you want and need then contacts me right away. Please trust in me just as i have trusted you before opening the secret of this business to you because about 99.9% of all genuine transactions all over the world is based on mutual trust and understanding. You will see the form to fill in here.

Thanks and best regards

Alistair Ross

Australia Investments Corp

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Quick snap?

Hi Alistair,

Sounds great, can you please send a photo of yourself for my records?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is no problem

Hello bob yes this is no problem for photo here is me in my private offi ce. Ok well now we can procede?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Let's lose the beard

Morning champ,

OK here's my position. I don't like beards, Alistair, I don't like them at all. About forty years ago I saw a documentary about a guy with a beard who led a gang of young pickpockets in London and then one of the kids started singing as if someone had his little balls in a vice and, oh dear, the whole thing was awful.
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