Why Me? (24 page)

Regards

Don Woodward

Football Player. Position: Forward

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: Your New Name

Don,

Wasting time on the computer is one thing that I hope no one can ever accuse me of. Right, my friend, things are looking good. The first thing I need to do, of course, is give you a new name. It is absolutely vital over here that any star player we have is given a name that will have the fans giving it laldy on their way to the ground and then waving their scarves like lunatics when you take to the grass. Some of our old heroes here at United had great names. I'm thinking, as you'll know, of boys like Slippers Malpas, Angel Toes Bannon and old ‘Magic Socks' himself – Trickshot Narey The Man Who Made Physics Cry.

Anyway, I've had a think and this is what I want to call you:

Deadeye the Fleet-footed Wonderboy

OK with you? Thanks for all the information. Can I just check on things like diet and personality? Tell me a little about the real Deadeye.

I attach a photo of old Trickshot Narey. My God what a player he was,

Bob

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Name OK

Dear Mr. Bob Servant

Thanks once again for you communication. OK i understand this with the name and this is fine to call me. It is also correct as i am fleet foot for sure. Bob i run like you will not believe. I like your picture and i hope i can play as well as these famous names.

Regarding my character, i am humble and only concentrate on my football carrier. I like listening to soft music and most of the American gospels Music. Gospel songs is my daily bread that give me lots of inspiration in my career. For diet I take lite food in the morning after training and rice for my evening meals.

So it is good we are nearly in agreement. can we start to arrange our deal now bob? i do not like to talk of these things i rather talk only of football but the business must be done so let us carry on. From Don, or for you it is DEADEYE!

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: Some action shots?

Deadeye,

I'm delighted to hear about the Gospel music and the rice, which is the kind of combination I was hoping you'd come up with. Right well I think it's time that I saw Deadeye in action. Can you send some photos from your latest training session please?

By God, Deadeye, I can't wait to see you with the ball at your feet, skipping past the opposition as if they were lampposts and then firing one into the old onion bag. You're my kind of player, Deadeye, and, more importantly, you're my kind of man. A man's man, if you like. You, Deadeye, are the kind of man that I could spend all day drinking with in a graveyard and then go home to the wife and she'd wipe the custard off her apron and say ‘what did you do today then?' and I'd say ‘today I met a man. That's all, I met a man'.

I literally cannot talk any higher of you than that. I'm so glad I met you Deadeye. You've really come up with the goods for me, like Nick Owen did when Sir Trevor McDonald poisoned that bus driver.
⁵⁵

Bob

Chief Scout

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: photos from training time

Bob

Thank you Bob I will never let you down when I play for you and i will never forget that you talk of me like this. I see this as respect between men and I will repay you for sure when I am on the pitch. Your wife is surely a best woman as well and i look forward to seeing her with you there in Scotland when i play my first game in fact i dedicate my first game to you and your family because of all you have done for me.

You want photos so i have sent some now from my training and they show well my capabties for you. You should know my TRAINING SCHEDULE:-

I do Gim on Saturdays evening but i train twice everyday from Monday–Friday. I like Physical training on Monday morning and lite ball work on Monday evening. I go to church on Sundays so no training. You should know that I play very similar to famous play Samuel etc. I play both legs but very perfect with my rite leg. Can we now go to the business side?

Regards

Your DEADEYE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: Great Photos

Deadeye,

Thanks for the photos which are great if a little confusing. Firstly you seem to have undergone quite a transformation between the three photos? Also, did you not say you were eighteen years old? Fuck me, Deadeye, what was your milk round, the entire Sahara? You're the oldest kid since Krankie.

Bob

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Great Photos

Bob,

My hair has changed between photos and that is all. Yes I am older for my age and this works only to your advantage bob as you will be surprised at my strength. Ok bob time to arrange deal. I have quickly worked out fl ight and everything, luggage and things like this, then insurance and also equipment and say first week of payment in advance. So bob shall we say $12,000 to get my account started and have me come to you?

You need to show you are honest now Bob because sometimes you speak as if you are not,

DEADEYE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: Celebration

Deadeye,

That all makes perfect sense. OK we are very nearly there now. Deadeye, I just need to know one more thing which is how do you celebrate a goal? As our star signing you will be expected not only to score goals but also to celebrate them in a way that will have tongues wagging from Perth to Carnoustie. How will you, Deadeye The Fleet Footed Wonderboy, wag those tongues? Because I want you to wag them so hard, Deadeye, that you start a tsunami.

And please do not accuse me of not being honest, Deadeye. I care about you so deeply that I think I would be unable to lie to you even if I wanted to. I feel like Sir Bobby Charlton has opened a big bottle labeled ‘Honesty' and poured every last drop into my mouth.

Your pal in the bootroom,

Bob

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My celebrations for you

Bob,

This is the last question i will answer to you bob because it is too long now. if you to sign me be fast and also bob this is not right a player like me who has won legue titles should be here to sell himself like the women in the market sell the crayfish.

Ok last answer. When ever I score a goal my state of mind changed and i will be very exited and may be force to run to any angle of the pitch racing my hands and thanking God who give me the opportunity to score. As a striker the only thing that I know that will make the fans exited is scoring goals, when a player is a goal scorer he makes the fans happy and gain the support of the fans which will encourage him to work harder and score more goals for his team.

Right bob i attach full details for the bank transfer. Send $12000 now and then this will be sealed. You are sometimes talking as if not serious for this bob. Let us finish the business and have me there with you making fans happy.

Don and DEADEYE

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: I think we can do better than that

Deadeye,

Thanks for getting back to me and I wouldn't dream of treating you like a crayfish because you don't deserve that. I have to say though that your celebration didn't really grab my imagination. Don't worry though because I have had a wee think and come up with an alternative. OK here we go:

GOAL CELEBRATION FOR DEADEYE THE FLEET FOOTED WONDERBOY

For a couple of seconds after the goal just stand there as if you can't believe what's happened, then explode into life.

Run as fast as you can to the away fans and cup your ear as if to say ‘You were saying?' Then go down on one knee and pretend to bowl a bowling ball. Stand up and run to the home fans. Point at your smile as if to say ‘this is me happy get used to it' then pretend to throw a javelin.

Run as fast as you can to the St John's Ambulance mob. Stand in front of them and pretend to have a heart attack then jump back to your feet and laugh as if to say ‘Don't be ridiculous: I'm Deadeye and I'm as fit as a fiddle'.

Run as fast as you can over to a ballboy and ruffle his hair until he laughs then gradually increase how hard you are ruffling his hair until he is on the verge of tears then stop ruffling his hair, pick him up and scream in his ear ‘You are the naughtiest boy in Britain'.

Run as fast as you can to the fire exit in the corner of the pitch and out to the street.

Run as fast as you can down Tannadice Street, take a right on Arklay Street and stop at the bus stop on the corner of Dens Road. The bus you want is the number 75 to Broughty Ferry. If you need change for the bus you can get it from Inky Instrell's newsagent next to the bus stop. Take a window seat on the right-hand side of the bus so you get a nice view of the river.

Get off the bus at Broughty Ferry train station and run as fast as you can to Harbour View Road. My house is the one with the Space Age extension. Let yourself in. I'll be asleep in the big armchair with Zulu on the telly with the sound down. Kneel down and wake me up by slowly circling my temples with your fingers. It's possible I'll say something like ‘not so firm, Frank'. If so ignore that and don't read anything into it.

When I wake up, look at me with that wonky little smile of yours and say, ‘I did it boss. I popped one in the onion bag'.

We'll just ad lib it from there. One thing though, Deadeye, please don't take off your shirt off at any point or you'd be in danger of receiving a yellow card.

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NO REPLY

52
See
The Dundee Courier
, 26 December 2010:
‘Christmas Calamities'
(‘“All I'd ask him is ‘Was it really worth it?'” said one middle-aged woman whose right foot had been crudely superglued to a turkey').

53
Hat, presumably.

54
The Timex Strike of 1993 thrust Dundee into the national consciousness. When the Timex company brought in ‘scab' labour to break the strike there was the worst picket-line violence seen in Britain since the 1984 miners' strike. As Bob said, however, not everyone in the city suffered during the strike. See
The Dundee Courier
, 10 January 1993:
‘Dundee Cheese Burger Van Mogul Defends Timex Relocation'
(‘ “I greatly admire the strikers and I am here to help,” said Servant (46) who has been selling large quantities of fast food to the crowd outside the factory gates. Servant pointed out that he has incurred signifi cant costs “rebranding” his van. He now offers the “Scargill Sandwich” (a cheeseburger), the “Bolshevik Burger” (a cheeseburger) and “Stalin's Surprise” (also a cheeseburger). Servant went on to defend his offer of high-interest credit to the strikers which he is marketing under the banner “Bash the Scabs, Start a Tab!”').