Why Me? (23 page)

So Alistair, it's very simple. Simply shave off your beard and sit back in that same chair in that same office and send me a new photo. I will then send you every single penny I have as well as my neighbour Frank's pension book and ‘flat screen' TV.

Because, don't get me wrong, Alistair, I can see your potential. You, Alistair, are wearing a sandwich board saying ‘Opportunity', a top hat saying ‘Trust Me' and, if I may, a pair of pants embroidered with the phrase ‘Work Hard' at the front and, if I may, ‘Play Hard', at the back.

That last bit was all metaphors.

Look forward to seeing the new photo,

Bob

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I cannot do this

Bob,

I cannot do this because my wife likes my beard and in fact it was her idea. If you're married man then this will work for you. Just fill in the form or if you want to send your whole money for investment purposes this is fine too. I do not need your friend TV I have one that is doing OK. Thank you for the metaphor i get message and you right this is ‘OPPORTUNITY' and i will so hard for you you will be amazed.

Alistair

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Stand up to her

Alistair,

Don't let your wife be your boss. You'll end up like the Duke of Edinburgh who has to ask the Queen before he goes to the toilet.
⁵¹
So I apologise to you and your dragon of a wife, Alistair, but if you want to do business then the beard has to go.

Bob

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not important

Bob,

The beard does not matter in business bob you must know this. Send your information anyway.

Alistair

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Goodbye

Alistair,

I have made my position clear. Until I see the photo as requested I will be playing deaf to your emails.

Goodbye,

Bob

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Trust me

Bob

Come on this is not important and why does photo have to be the same. You don't trust me! bob why not? Send the information.

Alistair

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Answer me

Bob? not heard from you, send something today.

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK here it is

OK Bob here is photo like you ask, I have removed my beard even if it causes problem with my wife. Now send your data now or if you want whole money invested I have many opportunities that you will like.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: RE: OK here it is

Please tell me that you're joking.

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Of course not a joke

Bob this is business not joking what is problem?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Have a guess

What do you think the problem might be?

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Have a guess

i really do not know bob can you send me your details to arrange investment?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Come on Alistair

Alistair,

If you said you were joking, I would have all the respect in the world for

you.

Bob

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From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

ok i am joking does that help?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Love

Alistair,

I may, I repeat may, have fallen in love with you,

Bob

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NO REPLY

50
I think Bob is referring to the 1968 film adaptation of
Oliver Twist
and specifically to the part of Fagin and the singing of the 9-year-old lead actor, Mark Lester. My take on Lester's voice would be far more charitable. I think that Lester, who in later life would become godfather to Michael Jackson's children (this is true), sang like an angel.

51
I can't imagine that the 90-year-old Duke of Edinburgh asks permission from the Queen to visit the bathroom. However, if her Majesty does enforce such a rule then, as always, she will have done so for the nation's wellbeing and in the spirit of the Blitz.

From: Chris Adams

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Can you help?

Dear Sir / Madam Please read.

It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partner. It is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across on the Internet.

The truth is that I am a dying man looking to invest funds abroad for the sake of my children and grandchildren. You are a business or invidividual that i have picked as a possible receiver of this investment. Simply return how much you would require and why i will consider how we can proceed. The money would come by banking transfer so let us save time by you providing full banking dretails on the form below.

1) Your Full Name.......................... ...

2) Your Age........................... ............

3) Your Mobile and Home Phone Number........

4) Your Fax Number..........

5) Your Country of Nationality................. .

6) Your Occupation.................... ........

7) Sex........................... .....................

8) Alternative E-mail Address/ ........................

I look forward for your immediate Positive response.

My regards to you and the family,

Mr Chris Adams

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From: Bob Servant

To: Chris Adams

Subject: Too Busy

Hello Chris,

Thanks for getting in touch and I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I'm afraid I can't help you right now as I am extremely busy. I feel like Santa on Christmas Eve or Dundee A&E on Christmas Day.
⁵²

I am Head Scout with a Scottish football team called Dundee United and I'm busy trying to find a star signing for the new season. We've lost a few players and the natives are restless. I need to pull something big out of my cat
⁵³
here, Chris, a real Bobby Dazzler who can show the opposition a clean pair of heels and have the punters up on their tiptoes waving their rattles and with smiles as wide as the Clyde. I've got a bit of money to spend on the right player and, by God, I intend to get him.

Sorry Chris, I don't know why I'm telling you all this. You're busy with your health problems.

Best of luck for the future,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Chris Adams

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I know a star player

Bob,

In fact bob you are in most luck right now because I know a football soccer player like you will not believe. I am weak but I can work on you with this if i was to introduce. Then of course you pay a fee. say $5000 as lump sum to be paid now?

This player is one of the best that you will have seen. He has multiple experience and like you say will cause joy to the people. I myself have seen him play many times and in fact has been great comfort to me during illness to watch him play that is how much beautiful it is.

Chris

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From: Bob Servant

To: Chris Adams

Subject: We don't pay agents

Chris,

That's a stroke of luck. Sorry we are not paying agents just now because of the cutbacks but I'm sure you'll want your friend to have his shot at glory and I'd imagine he'll chuck a few quid your way. Put it this way, he'll be getting a package like you wouldn't believe. We pay wages, expenses and a £50 a month boot polish allowance so I'm sure he'll bung you a fiver or two.

Yours,

Bob

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From: Chris Adams

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I will pass this on

OK Bob I will pass you on and you can pay him money. Yes I will arrange with him. His name is Don Woodward and he will be in touch soon. I believe that he is even at training right now so this is a good sign for you Bob.

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I am a striker with excellent experience

Dear Mr. Bob Servant The Chief player Scout

Good day Sir. I am pleased to write to inform you of my intention to ask that you give me an offer and a place in your Scottish football team of DUNDEE UNITED. I was given your details by one of my fans CHRIS ADAMS.

well what to say. I will keep short for now. I am a striker with excellent experience, young, strong & have good pace, very skillful and intelligent on the ball. It would be quite right for me to have a place at your football club. I have played for a number of top professional club here in Africa including leage champions and cup winner.

I am happy to come and play for your team overe in Scotland and this is fine. I wil have to arrange release here and then there are all the costs to come to you and this will be quite high.

So let us arrange a deal and soon i will be there playing for you with all my heart Bob

thank you and pleased to meet you bob

DON WOODWARD

Football Player. Position: Forward

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From: Bob Servant

To: Don Woodward

Subject: You're ticking my boxes

Don,

Thanks for getting in touch. You sound like a strong possibility. One slight hitch is that I've just had a wee look online for your name and could not find it anywhere. Considering the fact that you've played for league champions, that made my eyebrows take off like helicopters.

I presume you can clear this up easily enough? I certainly hope so. The fans want a star signing and there's a really terrible atmosphere around the place. I've not seen Dundee like this since the Timex strike which was a bad time for the city. Well, to be fair, it was a pretty good time for me.
⁵⁴

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

Chief Scout

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From: Don Woodward

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not Important

Dear Mr. Bob Chief Scout

Do not worry bob not all teams and leagues here bother to post their news on internet why would they? Most fans know of the teams and players through word of mouth and this is how you have come to hear of me so you are in fact the evidence against yourself.

If you need more information then you should just come and ask me bob instead of wasting your time on the computer. You should know that I am 18 years old and am well built, very strong in air and very good on fifty fifty balls. I have speed and can beat defenders very easily and score with the help of my inborn speed. Also i am very skillful and intelligent on the ball.

My position is forward, in my previous club i play as the top striker and due get result for my team. I am 6 foot 3 tall.