Why Me? (7 page)

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is legitimate

Hello Bob,

Thanks for your mail, as regards your question how you would know if this transaction is genuine, well i have all the related documents to the fund intact. You can send your full account details or even come to Ghana and together we can conclude things in order. i am hoping to hear from you ASAP to proceed.

This is my personal email now. It is safer to use than the bank email. Just call me Kenny.

Regards,

Kenny Wilson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: Just trying to place you?

K-bomb,

Thanks for the email. I agree that it will be far safer if we switch from the bank's Yahoo email address to your Yahoo email address. I have to say I would never have placed ‘Kenny Wilson' as boxing out of Ghana. I'm a Dundee man myself and to me your name screams Glasgow and whispers Ayrshire?

Bob

From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My Name Is Normal

Bob

Well, that is my name and i do not think that has anything to do with business. I am a Ghanaian, i should tell you what our names are like, for your information my friend we bear names like williams, wilson, jacob, mills, woods etc

Kenny

Call me Kenny also not other ways.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: Kenny It Is

Kenny (sorry for the nicknames, you don't deserve that)

Let me make one thing as clear as ice. I was not in any way making fun of your name. I know a few Wilsons and there's not a bad guy amongst them. I remember Turn-ups Wilson, with those magnificent trousers of his, once telling me that the Dundee Wilsons are descended from Alexander the Great. Have you heard this? I have to say that, as much as I like Turn-ups, I don't think I'd let him lead me into battle!. Again, I don't mean any offence against the wider Wilson community.

I hope all is well in Ghana and I won't do the famous ‘Ghana Get You' joke out of respect to you and your family,

Bob

PS Photo attached of Turn-ups Wilson

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Ok let us do the business

Bob,

About your question, i never made such inquiry to know if the wilsons are related to Alexander the Great or not but this does not sound true. I just want to know if you are still interested in helping me go through this transaction. Like i said before, i have all the related documents to the fund. Send me your banking information or come down to Ghana to meet with me over this issue, and together we can visit the security company where the fund is deposited to have it claimed and transferred to your account.

Regards,

Kenny

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: Chappy Williams

Hi Kenny,

I share your suspicion on the Alexander The Great front and will pass on the bad news to Turn-ups. If I may, can I also pick up on your associate with the Williams surname? One of my best friends here in Dundee is Chappy Williams, can you check if they're related? He lives on the estate beside Safeways and has a slight stoop and does this thing with his eyes when he laughs that makes it look like he's struggling to breathe. Does any of that ‘ring true' for your Williams pals?

Although it would probably be easier if I just gave you my account details, I'm seriously tempted by the Ghana trip for a spot of sunshine. Would we be going to the beach? It's April here but you wouldn't have guessed it, other than the usual April's Fool's Day fallout.
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It's absolutely freezing. I attach a photo of Broughty Ferry High Street taken this afternoon.

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Listen To What I Say

Hello Bob,

Thanks for the picture looks nice. Listen Bob I did not tell you that i have williams friend, i only told you that we have names like williams, wilson, mills etc, i did not say i have a friend by name williams. Secondly, i told you that when you come to meet with me in Ghana, you and i will meet with the director of the security company where the fund is deposited and have the fund claimed and transfer the total fund to your nominated bank account in your country, then i will fly to meet with you in your country for the percentage sharing,

Kenny

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: Eh?

Kenny,

I apologise for the Williams mix up. I'm just trying to get my head round your plan. I fly to Ghana, we sort things out there, and then we fl y together back to Scotland? That's the worst plan since Gallipoli. Why don't you just send me the money?

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Listen To Me

Bob,

Please we are talking about trust and a huge sum of money here sir, for me to be able to build trust completely that the fund is safe, i think it is just right that you meet with me in Ghana, we go through the process and the fund will be transferred into your bank account before i meet you in your country, it is very necessary you meet me in Ghana, it will afford you the opportunity to see the fund and to know that you are dealing with the real person, that is what i believe sir, expecting to hear from you with your arrival date and flight schedule, have a good day.

Kenny

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: I think I get it

Kenny,

Let's do it. I'll come to Ghana, we'll get this sorted out at the bank, have a long (and dare I say boozy?) lunch then head to the airport and fl y together back to Scotland.

Any thoughts of what you want to do in Dundee? I attach a photo of the Desperate Dan statue in the city centre. It's funny to get photos taken when you each put your head in between Desperate Dan's legs and open your mouth as if to say ‘Oh God I can't believe I'm doing this!'

Fancy it? It's just a bit of fun.

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Book Your Flight Schedule

Hello Bob,

Thanks for your mail and for agreeing to come to Ghana to resolve this issue, i appreciate greatly and i promise you will never regret your action. Sir i do not know exactly what i will be doing in your country for now, except for my schooling which is most important to me right now and I will have to do even when in your country. The statue looks good and I am happy to visit it but not if it takes away from my schooling.

I want you to send me your flight schedule immediately.

Regards,

Kenny

From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: School?

Kenny,

What's this school carry on? I mean, I suppose I could arrange for you to go to school while you're here but you're the main man at HSBC Ghana for Christ's sake, are you sure you need to go to school? I know the janitor at Forthill Primary School so could probably sneak you in there but you'd be a lot bigger than the other boys?

I'll fire up the Teletext now and look for flights to Ghana.

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: As a doctor not a school boy Bob

Hello Bob,

My schooling is that I would like to study medicine and become a medical doctor once this is all over. This is not unusual in Ghana for a man to go for one career and then one more. I will need to read my medical books while I am in your country to keep me OK.

Sir have you made up your mind when you will be arriving in Ghana for this transaction?

Regards,

Kenny

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: This Changes Everything

Kenny,

You're a quack? This changes everything. Dundee Royal Infi rmary have been hit hard by the cutbacks
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and would love to have an extra pair of hands around the place. It would be a perfect match: you'd get some top-class experience and they'd get a free doctor who could also tell them funny stories about managing a bank and funny things that happened to you while you were managing the bank. That kind of stuff would be particularly handy in the awkward moments after a patient dies.

Let me give them a call now but in the meantime start packing because you should come here first and we can push the Ghana trip back.

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Wait I am not a doctor yet

Bob I did not say I was a doctor now I said I am hoping to attend schooling and become a doctor in the future. No you must come here first Bob and then I will come with you to your country aftrwards. Confirm straight away that you will do this.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: The Medicine Ball Is Rolling

Kenny,

Just off the phone to the hospital and it was a very positive phone call indeed. I told them you were one of the best doctors to come out of Ghana in years, that you have a bedside manner to die for (no pun intended) and you'd work for tips. I'm off up to the hospital now to hear their final offer and don't worry I'll be ticking off the major points – uniform, the lunch situation and car parking.

Bob

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From: Kenny Wilson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Do not go to the hospital

No Bob do not do this do not go to the Hospital at all. Look just send me your banking information and I will arrange this transfer for you and you do not have to come to Ghana. You must just send me $2000 to allow the transfer, OK? That is easier.

Kind Regards,

Kenny

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From: Bob Servant

To: Kenny Wilson

Subject: Parking Space

Kenny,

Well that's me back from the hospital. Where to begin? I'll give you the good news first, starting with the uniform which was fine. Standard stuff, white trousers and long coat, pens in the top pocket. No problems there at all. Next up, lunch and no problems there either. Unfortunately you have to buy your own but I had a look at the canteen prices and they're heavily subsidised. I used to be in the cheeseburger van game and, believe me, no-one's getting rich off these prices.

That's the good news. The bad news, in fact the real Hiroshima news, is car parking. They told me they'd allocated you a space so I went out to the car park and from the moment I saw it something just didn't sit right with me. I don't know what kind of car you drive, Kenny, but to the naked eye your car park space looks barely usable. I have taken a photo and added a can of coke to give scope. What do you think? A bit tight?