Why Me? (3 page)

All the best,

Mr Bob Servant

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Bob,

That is my job. You do not have a title as you are only a customer. Please

fill in the form. What is this picture?

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Eh?

Alan,

I don't quite follow what you're saying about the job title, as the situation seems pretty clear at my end. Anyway, we've got more important things to discuss which is – what stories can I tell at your retirement dinner? Are you bringing the missus or can I be a bit risqué? A little birdie told me about the conference in Tenerife where a certain someone let his hair down quite spectacularly? There are whispers about you, a trolley dolly from Togo Airlines, a bath full of champers and a couple of dozen garden gnomes?

Kind Regards,

Mr Bob Servant

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Bob,

You are not right in calling yourself this. It is my job, please stop. You are a customer. I am not going to retire why would I retire when I am young and there is so much money to be made? I have not been to Tenerife and don't know what this picture is about.

Send the form.

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Make Your Mind Up

Alan,

Sorry you've completely lost me. One minute you're retiring and the next minute you're not. One minute you're boasting to anyone who'll listen about a night with a trolly dolly and the next you've never been to Tenerife? What's going on? Are you OK? I'm worried about you.

Kind Regards,

Mr Bob Servant

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Bob,

I want to get on with the OIL and send it to your country for you to make a lot of money but do you see that you are calling yourself my job? I am the DIRECTOR you are the CUSTOMER. Do you understand? Do you not know business? I am NOT for retiring now. I have NOT been to Tenerife with anybody. STOP sending these pictures.

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Take It Easy

Alan,

Fine, you're not retiring and you want to keep the Tenerife stuff under wraps, I get it. But hold tight Alan, to accuse me of not knowing business is laughable. Where shall I begin? With the fact that in the late 1970s I had the longest windowcleaning round in Western Europe,
³
or the fact that in the late 1980s I had fourteen cheeseburger vans going like a train 24 hours a day?
⁴
Or shall we talk about me being Broughty Ferry Businessman of The Year twenty-three years running?
⁵

You choose Alan. Just you choose. OK?

Kind Regards,

Mr Bob Servant

Alan Thompson's Best Pal and Hero

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK Fine Bob

Bob,

OK, let us just forget the job title situation as this does not matter. Yes we are now pals for sure and I did not mean to say you are not a businessman. You must be a famous businessman in your country if you have done all this. What matters Bob is your order being processed properly by us and you can get your OIL and make this big money. Please fill in the form and send back for immediate processing.

FULL NAME:

CONTACT ADRESS:

PHONE NUMBER:

SEX:

AGE:

OCCUPATION:

COUNTRY:

STATE:

MATIRIAL:

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: My Garage Awaits

Alan,

I accept your apology and I'm glad we're back on track. I have started sorting things out this end. Dundee is right on the River Tay so it shouldn't be a problem reversing in your oil tanker. Once it's arrived then it will be a case of getting the oil off and over to my house. I have a double garage with a much admired ‘cantilever roof' so 50,000 barrels of oil should fit no bother at all.

Can you please give me the name of the ship and also the name of the captain? I will fill in the form shortly, I'm just waiting for the right pencil to make itself known.

Thanks,

Bob

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Use Any Pencil

Dear Mr Bob

That is fine and we will deliver 50,000 barrels free of charge, you will simply pay the shipment. I will locate the name of the captain and his ship shortly Bob. Use any pencil or pen you have to hand it does not matter or best type it direct on the computer.

Mr Alan Thompson

Director NPC

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Here You Go

Alan,

No problem, info below, please send over the names of the ship and the captain.

Cheers Al,

Bob

FULL NAME: Bob Godzilla Servant

CONTACT ADRESS: Harbour View Road

PHONE NUMBER: No phone after I accidentally spent over £3,000 calling a phoneline that I believed was about wildlife
⁶

SEX: Totally Male

AGE: 64

OCCUPATION: Businessman/Man About Town/A Good Guy To Have

Around The Place

COUNTRY: UK/Scotland/Dundee/Broughty Ferry

STATE: Excited

MATIRIAL: Eh?

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Bob,

Thank you for your response. It is not all there but it is enough for now. OK, this is the captain's name and ship name

Captain Newman

Ship name: Edmund

You want 50,000 barrels of oil. Shipment is therefore $50,000. Payment should be sent immediately through Western Union.

BANK NAME: ECO BANK LOME TOGO

ADDRESS:

A/C NAME.

A/C NUMBER:

SWIFT CODE:

DESTINATION: LOME TOGO WEST AFRICA

As soon as you transfer the fee, send me the transfer slip for confi rmation and immediate processing. Looking forward to hearing from you,