Why Me? (4 page)

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: The Dundee Courier

Alan,

Thanks for the account info and it's good of your friend to let you use his bank account for such a hefty wedge, you must trust that boy like there's no tomorrow.

Anyway, exciting news. A little birdie (not the same one I mentioned before) tipped off the Dundee Courier (our local rag) and they've done a bit of a splash on our link-up this morning, the article is attached below. Also can I just check what we are talking in terms of crew numbers? I will tell you right now that I will not have the crew staying in my gaff (known around Dundee as ‘Bob's Palace'
⁷
). It's not that kind of place. They can either stay at my neighbour Frank's house or if there's a few of them then I will sort something else out. But Captain Newman (I like him already!) will have his pick of the bedrooms at Bob's Palace, that's a promise. And if I break that promise, Alan, then you can break my arm.

With a fucking sledgehammer.

Thanks,

Bob

----------------

⁸

From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Dear bob

am glad to hear the news of DUNDEE In Shock Oil. we are very proud of you and we feel that the people will see you as a hero for sure. the director board of administrations has agree to shipped the oil for you as soon as poseble without any delay. we went to the bank to see if you have make the payment but not yet done. why? Bob kindly go to your BANK and make the payment today for immediate processing.

You are correct. The Ship will be about 200 crew members,

regard

Mr Alan Thompson

MD

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Dundee's Going Mad for Captain Newman

Alan,

A lot of excitement here about Captain Newman. He's really got people talking. Men want to be him and women want to see him. Can I ask please, what are his main hobbies? And will he be happy talking about being a Captain and what other areas of conversation do you think he would want to talk about? The reason I ask is that I know from bitter experience how difficult captains can be.

In 1983 I bumped into Dundee United's league winning captain Paul Hegarty in Safeways. He was standing next to the tinned fish aisle and quick as a flash I said,

‘Afternoon skipper, buying some kippers?'

It was a decent joke, not the best I've ever told (not even the best I've ever told in the tinned fish aisle) but the way he looked at me Alan, my God. It was a look that could have frozen the sun.

What I'm saying is this – Captains are unpredictable and sometimes they don't like the same jokes as normal people. So I need to tread carefully with Captain Newman and would like you to give me as much extra info as you can.

Finally, please send me the names of the 200 crew members which I presume you'll have close to hand in a file. It's so I can book their hostel rooms. Nicknames are fine.

Bob

----------------

From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Dear bob,

Well Captain Newman likes all kinds of jokes and he likes everything such as smoke and drink. I have spoken to him and he says this is a great honour to stay with you at Bob's Palace.

Here are your crew names for the hotel.

AARON, ABA, ABAY, ABBA, ABBOTT, ABBY, ABCDE, ABDIEL, ABDUKRAHMAN, ABDULKAREEM ABDULLAH, ABDULRAHMAN, ABE, ABEDNEGO, ABEEKU, ABEL, ABELARD, ABHAY, ABIE, ABIYRAM, ABNER, ABRAHAM, ABRAM, ABSOLOM, ABU, ACE, ACHAVA, ACHILLES, ACOOSE, ACOTAS, ACTON, ADAHY, ADAIR, ADAM, ADAN, ADARSH, ADDAE, ADDISON, ADE, ADEBEN ADELIO, ADEM, ADEN, ADIEL, ADISH
⁹

Now Bob it is time to send the payment

Alan

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: The Names

Alan,

Thanks so much for those 200 names. At first I thought I could see some sort of pattern with them but maybe I'm imagining it. You also left a link at the bottom of your email to a website called ‘Baby Names' so I presume you and Mrs Thompson are expecting a little one. Congratulations, I hope he or she grows up to respect you as much as I do.

For 200 people I think it would be best to stick them in the Sleep Tight and Don't Fight Hostel in Lochee.
¹⁰
I will get the rooms booked up now. I would estimate that the booking will also cost around $50,000 so shall we just call it level on the money?

Finally, a few last questions on Captain Newman.

You said he likes to drink, what is his favourite drink?

He's obviously not shy of a party, is he a big fan of women (in Dundee we call them skirt, which they like a lot)?

Does he sing any songs at parties?

How long has he been at sea?

He sounds like a mad dog, is he a mad dog?

Thanks,

Bob

----------------

From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Bob,

Answers below but that is it now, you must send the payment for the OIL shipment. We will pay for the hostel ourselves because that is the way we do business here. Captain Newman and I are both waiting. Come on Bob, send this payment and you will make more money than you will understand.

You said he likes to drink, what is his favourite drink? . . . RUM

He's obviously not shy of a party, is he a big fan of women (in Dundee we call them skirt, which they like a lot)? . . . YES IF GOOD

Does he sing any songs at parties? . . . NO

How long has he been at sea? . . . 15 YEARS

He sounds like a mad dog, is he a mad dog? . . . OK YES.

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Game Over

Alan,

Big, big problems my end. I have been updating the folk here in Dundee about Captain Newman and it's gone down like a lead balloon. The irony is that the more that I hear about Captain Newman the more I like and respect him, but for others it seems it's quite the opposite.

It's bad news all round I'm afraid. I tried a bit of ‘firefighting' but unfortunately The Courier got hold of the story and that's our goose cooked.

The article's attached, there's no way back from this unfortunately. When the folk round here turn on you, it's time to walk away, but when the Dundee Skirt Protection League get on your tail, then it's time to run for the hills.

All the best for the future, and please pass on my regards to Captain Newman and the crew. I can't believe I will never meet them in the fl esh. Knowing that I will never see the SS Edmund sail down the Tay makes me feel like Colin Montgomerie has torn out my heart and stuck it in his deep freeze.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Ignore what they are saying

Bob,

Forget all these troubles and SEND THE PAYMENT.

STRAIGHT AWAY

Alan

----------------

2
See Grampian TV's
Local Spotlight
programme on 5 October 2010 where Bob appears in a confusing three-minute segment. Bob clearly believes he is filming a taped audition for a television dating show. He continually speaks directly to the camera, against standard convention, to confide various physical attributes and capabilities that often veer to the lewd. The interview ends with Bob topless, struggling to lift a park bench and urging viewers to ‘call the number at the bottom of the screen' despite the fact that no such graphic is being displayed.

3
See
The Dundee Courier
, 16 February 1978:
‘The Pitter Patter of Lots of Ladders'
(‘Local man's windowcleaning round smashes 100-home barrier . . . “People said that was a glass ceiling,” said Servant, “but I wash glass ceilings, that's the difference.”‘)

4
See
The Dundee Courier
, various articles 1989–1991, such as 4 June 1990:
‘Servant Wins Again'
(‘Broughty Ferry cheeseburger magnate Bob Servant last night celebrated the unveiling of his fourteenth van and launched a defiant tirade against other van owners involved in what many have dubbed “The Cheeseburger Wars” . . . “Why are people calling it the Cheeseburger Wars?” asked Servant, “if anything it's a massacre. This is our Dunkirk, and I'm Rommel.”')

5
See
The Dundee Courier
, 23 March, 1998.
‘Dundee City Council Scraps Annual Award
(‘endemic corruption' . . . ‘terrified judges' . . . ‘silent phone calls'.)

6
See
The Dundee Courier
, 16 April 2010.
‘Local Man Outraged by Porn Swindle'
(‘ “Maybe I'm old fashioned,” said Servant, “but to me a phone line calling itself Cougar Hunters should be about safaris” . . . Servant said he was “absolutely disgusted” by what he heard during a series of calls of up to an hour, made over a two-week period.')

7
I have never heard anyone ever refer to Bob's house as ‘Bob's Palace' apart from Bob, despite his repeated attempts to have others do so. He once sent himself a letter addressed to Bob's Palace which resulted in a two-hour, highly-charged stand-off with his postman which left both men emotionally scarred.

8
Lynch, Liz (1964–). Popular Dundonian silver medal winner at the 1988 Olympic Games in South Korea. See
The Dundee Courier
, 20 July 1988. ‘
Lynch on Top of The World
'. (‘Dundee's Liz Lynch wowed the world yesterday in the Olympic Games 10,000m event . . . Lynch dominated the race from start to fi nish and the crowd gave a standing ovation to the invincible Dundonian . . . In a lighthearted touch to the day's events, Lynch technically came in second as nervous Russian runner Olga Bondarenko was so intimidated by Lynch that she ran away from the brave Scot and, in doing so, inadvertently won the race.')

9
I have edited out the rest of these 200 names, which continue in a predictable vein.

10
See
www.tripadvisor.com
Review entitled
‘To Hell And Back'
(‘anarchy' . . . ‘keen sense of danger' . . . ‘kung-fu kick . . . from the receptionist')