Why Me? (2 page)

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See the Acknowledgements section, where I have a bad time.

You know what? People think it's easy being me, but it's not. They see the big house and the extension and all my jumpers and so on and they think ‘He's got it easier than Mandela'. But I don't. Because, like Mandela, my smile is just a frown in fancy dress and I'm under pressure. Terrible, terrible pressure.

When people see me in the street here in Dundee they all want a joke or a story. They want me to give them a wee slap or do something with my eyes that they think is just for them. It's knackering and after a while it just gets too much. As a result I've found myself staying in the house more and more these days. When I'm sitting here in my pyjamas I can have an honest drink or bite to eat without being pestered by the punters and the boo boys. I just want to hide from the world, like Greta Garbo or Terry Wogan.

That's what got me back on the computer. Talking to the Internet brigade is how I spend my days because you know where you are with this mob. They're cowboys, yes, I accept that but people forget that cowboys weren't all bad. Cowboys treated their horses like princesses and how many of us can honestly say that we've done the same? People who live in greenhouses shouldn't throw bricks.

That bit there about the horses was a metaphor really because, when it comes to the emails, I am like a jockey. I pick my rides and I get them to the end of the course but I don't always go the right way round the track. Sometimes I'll jump over the fence and trample on some of the punters but one way or another I'll be there at the winning post, with my head held high and my face covered with the punters' blood.

Come ride with me.

Bob Servant

Dundee

2011

Neil Forsyth (left) and Bob Servant, Broughty Ferry, 2011

An aged man is but a paltry thing,

A tattered coat upon a stick, unless

Soul clap its hand and sing

William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)

I have a great deal of company in the house, especially in the morning when nobody calls.

Henry David Thoreau (1817–1862)

Life's like a box of spanners, David. You choose a spanner and you stand there and say, ‘Oh look at me with my spanner.' Hang on. Sorry, I think I meant hammers, not spanners. Christ, what is it? Look, David, what I'm saying is this: ‘Put down your spanner and have a good time.'

Bob Godzilla Servant (1945–)

From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Why Me?

Hello dear,

My name is Rose. I am 24 years old and am residing in the refugee camp in Sudan as a result of the civil war in my country. Please listen to this important information. My late father was the managing director of a major Factory and he was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house and killed my mother and my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to this camp.

When my father was alive he deposited money in one of the leading banks in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $9.3 (Nine Million three Hundred Thousand US Dollars). And i have contacted the bank so that i can have the money to start a new life but they requested that i should have a foreign partner as my representative due to my living status here. I know that you would be a proper person for this. I know already that I trust you. I need only your information.

Yours in love

Rose

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: Why You Indeed, My Friend, Why You Indeed

Rose,

Thanks for writing. I hope you're having a lovely time at your summer camp and aren't staying up too late with the other girls talking about boys! Your email got me thinking. I recently published a book of email exchanges with people much like yourselves where we had a bit of a mess about and so forth but no-one got hurt and, if you have the time, I wondered if you would be interested in taking part in a sequel?

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I rejoice to hear from you

Good Day Mr Bob

I rejoice from reading your mail. We can now have this money from the bank and have a new life together. You are a good man Bob and now please send the details below. It is so hard here in the refugee camp Bob the people have nothing.

(1)Your Full name:

(2)Your Phone number:

(3)Your Contact address:

(4)Your Age:

(5) Bank Name:

(6) Bank Address:

(7) Number of Account:

(8) International Account Routing Number:

Remain blessed

Rose

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: Hello Again

Rose,

Great to hear from you again so quickly. I'm sorry you're not enjoying yourself at the camp but at least you seem to have a computer and rapid Internet access.

Thanks for the opportunity to give you all my information. I try regularly to give women my information and usually they pretend they're not interested, but here's you actually asking for it. Having said that I'm going to say ‘thanks but no thanks' to the banking stuff because I am worried that if I became a multi-millionaire I'd alienate my hardcore fans like what happened with Bruce Springsteen and Aneka Rice.

However, I have now firmly decided to crack on with this new book and would love you to be involved.

Bob

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From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Fill in the FORM

Bob,

Yes I have a computer but it is very old and I hide it from the others at the camp so it is not stolen. Bob send your information below. It is due now. I do not know what you mean about this book.

(1)Your Full name:

(2)Your Phone number:

(3)Your Contact address:

(4)Your Age:

(5) Bank Name:

(6) Bank Address:

(7) Number of Account:

(8) International Account Routing Number:

Remain blessed

Rose

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: RE: Fill in the FORM

Rose,

No problem, let me make it even clearer. I am writing a book that is a collection of my exchanges with Internet cowboys like your good self. What happens is I have a wee chat with you and then we shake hands and go our separate ways. You wouldn't get any money from me but you'd see your name in print and it would be a funny story to tell your pals.

Let me know if you are available.

Thanks,

Bob

PS I attach a photo of the Dundee Waterstone's bestseller chart from Christmas. As you'll see I'm at number 1 AND number 4. That's the kind of form you used to get from the Beatles for fuck's sake Rose.

why me?

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From: Rose

To: Bob Servant

Subject: NO

OF COURSE I WILL NOT BE PART OF THAT. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT?

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From: Bob Servant

To: Rose

Subject: That's Your Decision And I Will Respect It 100%

Fair enough. I'll try some others.

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NO REPLY

From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Welcome to National Oil and Investment. I have come to you because I believe you are a man to be trusted and who will understand business. Tell no-one about this opportunity.

I am American man currently working here in Togo to drill and sell the best OIL. Due to over production at our plant in Togo we are in a lucky position to send you thousands of OIL free of charge. Because this is a secret deal with no tax to pay you will pay only the shipment fee and the goods will be yours to distribute in your own country. You can sell one barrel of OIL for $175. Shipment is $50,000 for 50,000 barrels of oil so you can see the profit to be made.

Looking forward to hearing from you soonest,

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil And Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Oil Me Up

Alan,

The warmest greetings imaginable from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. Your email is one of the most exciting business opportunities that I have received by email from Western Africa this morning, and I can't offer much higher praise than that.

I would love to be in the oil game Alan. Being from Dundee we have to deal with the Aberdeen oil mob up the road and it's hard work. I don't mind people being rich, God knows I'm not short of a penny, but I like it when they wear their wealth with quiet dignity like Her Majesty the Queen and Jimmy Savile. The Aberdeen mob are very much Novo Reach. They rub their oil money in your face (not in a saucy way) with their nice jumpers, matching shoes and high-end Ford Sierras.

This wee ‘back door' into the oil business could be a chance not just for me, but for Dundee as a city to bounce back. It's certainly exciting. I used to love that big American TV show about the family with all the oil money. The main guy wore a special hat and used to make long, inspirational speeches. Did you see it? I think it was called The Cosby Show.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: National Oil and Investment

Dear Bob Servant,

CONGRATULATIONS! You have been accepted as a new customer for us. Let us start the administration straight away so you can have your OIL soon enough. I do not know this television show but I can tell you Bob that with the money you will make you will feel like you are on the television. Now fill this form and send back for immediate processing.

FULL NAME:

CONTACT ADRESS:

PHONE NUMBER:

SEX:

AGE:

OCCUPATION:

COUNTRY:

STATE:

MATIRIAL:

Looking forward to hear from you soon

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: TV

Alan,

As much as I like you Alan, I certainly don't want to feel like I'm on television after an awful experience I had last year. A so-called friend (Chappy Williams, the snake) convinced me that I was being interviewed for Blind Date but it turned out that I was actually on some Grampian TV nonsense.
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That aside, does this mean I have the job? Or should I say your job?

Bob

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From: Alan Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: The Job Is Yours

Yes Bob you have the job! so please send the form.

Mr Alan Thompson

Director

National Oil and Investment

Royal Plaza

Togo

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From: Bob Servant

To: Alan Thompson

Subject: Your Forthcoming Retirement

Alan,

I will have a good look at the form later today. It's great to be on board and cheers for appointing me to your job. I would like to thank you for all your work and wish you the best of luck for the future. As I will tell the lads at your retirement dinner, if I can be half the man you were, then I'll be happy! PS recognise these little guys?