Why Me? (11 page)

FILL THE BORROWER'S INFORMATION BELOW:

Your Name:

Your Address:

Your Country:

Your Occupation:

Sex/Age:

Loan Amount Needed:

Loan Duration:

Monthly Income:

Cell Phone Number:

Have a nice day and God Bless you. Best Regards,

Peter Smith Financial Services

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: Quick Question

Peter,

Thanks for getting in touch, it's nice to hear from the organ grinder directly. I think it's fantastic that you're lending out readies and Geldoffing up the people because it's dark times round our way, Peter, what with the recession and all.

The Broughty Ferry branch of the Bank of Scotland has even cancelled fancy dress Fridays because it was hitting the wrong note.
²⁴
Not before time to be honest, Peter, I've heard some horror stories. The boys from Berkeley's Butchers went in with their redundancy cheques and were served by a six foot tall Noel Edmonds, while my neighbour Frank got turned down for a remortgage by Freddie Mercury which was a blow for him financially and has given him some awful nightmares.

So well done to Financial Services and yourself personally for stepping into the breach. Can I just check, are there any rules about what the loan has to be for? And you don't have a branch in Dundee do you? That would save on the legwork.

Bob

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Application Form

Hello Bob,

I looked up Dundee in Scotland. This is a long way from us bob. We are based in the Financial Center here in Singapore. We also operate in India. We give out loans to all kinds of people, firms, school, churches and industries. So there are not rules for the loan purpose do not worry.

We are certified, trustworthy and reliable. Just send your personal information to begin. The form is attached again.

Our Address for your records Bob

Registered Company Name: Standard Alliance Loans international, Inc.

RC No: 04589

Office Address:
New Delhi

Telephone Number:

Best Regards,

Peter Smith

Financial Services

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: OK

Peter,

OK, here's my full plan for the loan. I want to start a magazine called Twinklers. What kind of magazine will Twinklers be? Hold tight and I'll tell you. Twinklers will exclusively feature amateur models with particularly twinkly eyes. You simply do not get anything better in life, Peter, than a decent set of twinkly eyes. Wogan built a career on it and he wasn't the only one: look at the Queen Mum, Des Lynam or Fatima Whitbread. But I won't be pulling in any big guns like that. I want to find fresh meat, local talent from the streets of Dundee. I'm going to trawl through the bars with Frank and his disposable camera and find some top-level twinklers, then stick their mugs in the magazine and get it out there.

Now, I know what your worry might be here, Peter. You're probably wondering if this is jazz mag territory. Well I can assure you right now, with my hand on my liver, that it is nothing of the sort. Look Peter, I'm not naive. I know that for a certain type of weirdo a nice set of twinklers might be right up their street in a jazz mag sense but you can't blame me for that. I'm selling them the bullets, I'm not asking them to fire their guns.

Bob

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is OK

Bob,

This is quite confusing but you are saying you will start a magazine with the loan? This is OK. All is OK, just send the information.

Peter Smith

Financial Services

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: We're talking ten

Peter,

Thanks for giving Twinklers the nod. I have set things in motion over here. I just went and chanced my arm with Inky Edwards. Inky, as you may be aware, has the big newsagents on the Dundee Road, and what that guy doesn't know about the magazine game isn't worth knowing.

Inky was good enough to give me a few minutes and I told him all about Twinklers and the hopes that you and I have for it. I'll put you out your misery straight away, Peter: Inky loved it. He reckons he's good for ten copies and we could sell them for a fiver each. So that's £50 coming in as sales so, by my calculations, we should therefore spend about £10,000 on putting the magazine together.

So I hereby request £10,000 from you Peter. That's right, ten large. Ten bags of sand.

Bob

Editor

Twinklers Magazine

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Approved

Bob,

I have good news, your application for £10,000 has been fully approved by the board. We think that this magazine will be a success and we trust you and believe your character is good.

Therefore we need just the application in full,

Thank you and congratulations on your loan.

Peter Smith

Financial Services

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: Slogan

Peter,

I'm getting on with the form. A quick one in the meantime, how about this for a slogan for the mag:

Twinklers: Putting A Twinkle in Your Day and a Winkle in Your Way!

Thoughts?

Bob

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Fine

Bob,

That is a good idea it will help get attention. We are impressed with you Bob and the loan is yours as soon as we have the form.

Peter

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: It's not really working for me

Pedro,

I've had a good look at the slogan you suggested. To be honest, I can't quite follow what you're getting at. What do you actually mean by ‘a Winkle in Your Way'? Maybe I'm missing the joke but to me it sounds like gibberish?

Bob

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: That was you not me

Bob,

I never suggested this saying it was you do not remember? I did not think it was sense either but did not say from respect for you. Now Bob where is the form?

Peter

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: Early Contenders

Peter,

Phew, I'm glad you agree we need to scrap your slogan. That could have been a really awkward one and really it's a ‘well done' to you for holding your hands up and admitting you'd sold me a pup. I'm going to stick with Twinklers: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

Now, Peter. Frank and I went out last night on our first twinklers hunt and I think we've come up with a few early contenders for the first issue. As the executive editor, we'll obviously be guided by you. So can you just pick out your top three?

As soon as you do that I'll get my info to you,

Yours,

Bob Servant

Editor, Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: What is this?

Bob,

What are you doing? I do not want to be direct involved in your magazine Bob. However if needed I will pick the pretty girl and the man in the hat. Now see your side of bargain right Bob I have done my job more than enough.

Peter

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: Dogs?

Peter,

Had a bit of a brainwave. How about ‘Pet's Corner' where people can submit photos of any pets that they reckon have a decent pair of twinklers? I went out with Frank and got some samples from the dog mob. Would you mind picking the first entry for Pet's Corner?

The form is nearly done,

Bob

----------------

From: Peter Smith

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK

Bob,

Well Bob only 2 of them are real dogs which you must know. I will say the dog with white hair it looks fun.

I am starting to wonder what you are doing here Bob. I am the manager of the loan company I do not have responsibility to help you with the magazine itself.

SEND THE INFORMATION RIGHT NOW Bob

Peter

----------------

From: Bob Servant

To: Peter Smith

Subject: A Walk On The Wild Side?

Peter,

I had a little think. When wild animals are tamed they tend to lose a bit of twinkle from their eyes, just look at Moby Dick or George Best. So instead of domestic pets, why don't we ‘take a walk on the wild side'?

To that end Frank and I headed up to Dundee's famous Ninewells Zoo earlier this afternoon. It's just reopened after that nonsense about the wardens being too pally with the animals.
²⁵
Anyway, we got some shots below.

What do you think? Do you see a cover star amongst them?

Bob

Editor, Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!