With Family In Mind (Saddle Falls Book 1) (13 page)

Jake looked at her coolly, ignoring the fragility he sensed and saw in her. Ignoring the fact that she wore that heart-tugging, vulnerable expression once again. He pushed as he wouldn’t have pushed on any other issue simply because it was important, and involved the safety and protection of his family.

“So tell me, Rebecca, how much did my brother Jesse have to do with your decision to tackle this story?” A muscle in his jaw tensed, and his fingers tightened painfully on his bottle of beer. “How much did Jesse’s disappearance have to do with your desire to dig and pry, and rehash our personal tragedy on the front pages of the newspaper for the entertainment and consumption of a nosy public? How much, Rebecca? Exactly how much?”

R
ebecca was almost certain her pulse had stopped. Wishing her hands were steadier than her heart, she lifted her wineglass, prayed she wouldn’t bobble it, then took a slow sip before looking at Jake over the rim, forcing herself to hold his gaze.

On some level she understood his anger, his suspicion, but that didn’t mean it was warranted.

“I’m not going to say your brother’s disappearance wasn’t a factor in my decision, Jake,” she said slowly, aware of the intensity of his gaze.

It was the first time they’d actually spoken about Jesse or acknowledged what had happened. And she knew they were now on shaky ground.

She had to tread carefully, measure her words so that she didn’t let on how important this part of his family history actually was to her being here or doing
this story. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Jake and have him cut off all access. She wasn’t really lying to him, she reasoned, she was telling him the absolute truth, just not
all
of it.

But, she wondered, was that a lie by omission?

“But if you’re asking me if I took this story so I can exploit the fact that your younger brother disappeared twenty years ago, that I plan to publish all the gory details for the entertainment of others, to appease their curiosity and interest, the answer is no.” Her voice was firm and cool. “Absolutely not.” She was on solid ground now, professional ground. Much easier to deal with than anything personal.

She let a long moment of silence pass before she continued. “I have no intention of publicizing or sensationalizing any part of your brother’s disappearance, nor of taking advantage of your family’s trust or sensationalizing their tragedy.” She hesitated, glancing down at her wine, then back up at him, unaware that her eyes had gone cold, icy-cold. “Jesse’s disappearance is part of the Ryan family history, but it’s not all of it, Jake.” Her insides were trembling, but she forced herself to hold his gaze. “There’s much more to the family than your brother’s disappearance.” Deliberately, she made her voice dispassionate, professional. She was a reporter now, not the lonely little girl looking for personal answers that had eluded her for most of her lifetime.

“Your brother’s disappearance is not going to be the focus of my story, Jake, if that’s what you’re asking me. It’s merely one small part in the whole picture of the Ryan history.” She tried to focus on relaxing,
on not letting her nervousness show. There was nothing to be nervous about, she told herself, then realized she’d been incredibly nervous from the moment she’d arrived in Saddle Falls.

Perhaps she
was
losing her objectivity, she thought with another flash of worry, biting her lip. For a reporter, it was the kiss of death, and it frightened the daylights out of her. Objectivity, emotional detachment, were a must in order to see things clearly. Without either, she was no good to herself, the newspaper or her subjects.

Rebecca sighed wearily. Who was she kidding? This was nothing but an emotional situation, simply because this story had been personal from the moment she’d returned to Saddle Falls. Why hadn’t she realized it would be like this? She’d allowed herself to be blindsided, something that had never happened before. She was far too meticulous about her work, far too professional.

“Rebecca?”

She forced herself to look at Jake. “Yes?”

“Are you telling me the truth?” He was determined to be fair and give her the benefit of the doubt. For his grandfather’s sake; for the promise he’d made to Tommy.

“Yes, Jake. I’m telling you the truth.” Rebecca held his searching gaze, unable to look away, aware that there was pain in his eyes, and something else— hope? And perhaps a grudging bit of trust? It made her heart ache and she didn’t know why. But she did know she could never do anything to damage that hope or trust.

It was her turn to reach for his hand, in reassurance, she told herself, not wanting to give it any more significance than that.

He simply stared at her, holding her hand, enjoying her touch, letting her words settle.

“I believe you,” he finally said, realizing with some surprise that he did. He only hoped he wouldn’t live to regret it. “I believe that you will be fair and honorable with me, my family and with our story.”

“Thank you, Jake.” Rebecca let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. “That means a lot to me.”

“Can I ask you another question, Slick?” He’d linked his fingers with hers, and now glanced at their entwined hands. Hers was so small, so delicate compared to his.

“Sure.” Feeling a bit more comfortable, as if she’d just passed some test, Rebecca flashed him a smile. Whenever she dropped into her professional mode, she was on firmer ground. It was the personal stuff that became so boggy and unsteady.

And now that he was back to using that disgusting nickname he’d given her, he, too, was obviously on more comfortable ground.

“What kind of family business brought you to Saddle Falls?” Cocking his head, he studied her, his gaze curious. “Getting a quickie divorce? Running from an overzealous lover?” All of those things would explain why she was so skittish around him. Why she seemed so stunned by the kiss they’d shared. He couldn’t seem to get it out of his mind. “Or is it something more sinister?”

Her reason for being in Saddle Falls, for leaving Reno and her home, would be an important part of this puzzle, he thought, and would tell him a lot about her intentions and motivations.

With a jolt, Jake realized he wanted to know more about her, needed to know. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her, not since he’d kissed her yesterday. Not just about her career, but about her personally. It mattered suddenly, and he didn’t know why.

“None of the above, Jake.” With her free hand, Rebecca reached for her wine again, wanting to soothe her suddenly dry throat before bringing her gaze to his, praying her voice was calm, steady. “I came here to bury my mother.”

Her stunning words hung in the quiet night air for a moment, echoing in Jake’s numbed mind, and then his soft oath punctuated the air.

“Rebecca, I’m sorry.” Embarrassment crawled over him like a bad rash, and Jake blew out a deep breath. “I didn’t know. I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” he said again, shaking his head in disgust.

What was the matter with him? Had he lost all semblance of trust and civility? Did he have to doubt everyone’s motivations and intentions? See lies and betrayals around every corner?

Perhaps his experience with Diana had scarred him more than he realized. And that saddened him.

Jake took a slow, deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts. He dared a glance at Rebecca, his eyes full of sympathy and sorrow. Of all the things he’d
expected her to say, this certainly was not one of them.

“Rebecca.” He held on to her hand when she would have pulled away, withdrawn from him again. “I guess at times I can be an insensitive oaf.” There was genuine regret in his voice. “I had no idea…it never occurred to me that…” Helplessly, his voice trailed off, and he sighed heavily. “I feel like a fool and I apologize for prying into your personal life. It never occurred to me that it could be something this traumatic that brought you here.”

“No, Jake, you thought I came merely to dig up and dish out the dirt on your family, right?”

The sadness in her voice only increased his discomfort. “Guilty as charged.”

“Well, at least you have the good grace to admit it.” That was something, she thought, realizing that in spite of the circumstances, Jake Ryan was clearly a very honorable man.

“I am sorry about your mother and about being so insensitive.” He wasn’t thrown off base very often, but he was now, and he didn’t quite know how to handle it.

“It’s all right, Jake,” she said quietly, surprised by the sincerity in his voice. “There was no way you could have known.”

“I’m sorry for prying, as well.” Here he’d spent most of the day and most of the evening thinking she had sinister motives, when in fact what she was doing here was completely honorable and personal and had nothing to do with exploiting his family or their his
tory. “Did your mom live in Saddle Falls?” he asked with a frown, wondering if he would have known her.

Rebecca suddenly felt as if she needed air and lots of it. She never discussed her mother.
Never.

Talking about her now, or even thinking about her mother’s time in Saddle Falls and what had happened while she had lived here, made Rebecca unbearably tense. She could feel the shock, the fear trembling along her nerve endings the way it always did whenever she even thought of her mom.

And what she might have done.

Absently, Rebecca rubbed her temple and closed her eyes for a moment, realizing the headache she’d had last night was now back with a vengeance.

“Hey, you okay?” Jake asked. He touched her cheek, feeling even worse at the look of sadness that swept over her face.

Forcing her eyes open, she smiled at him, willing the throbbing in her temple to ease. “Fine.” Rebecca shook her head, pushing her hair off her face. “I’m fine, really. Now, to answer your question, Jake, I don’t know if my mother lived here or where she lived.” Carelessly, she gave a shrug of her shoulders, as if this was of no importance to her. Talking about her mother with Jake could be very dangerous, and she wanted to answer him without seeming evasive, and yet not reveal anything that could jeopardize her position. “I hadn’t seen her in many years.”

He held up his hand, wanting to stop her. This was clearly very painful for her. No wonder she wore that haunted look. He didn’t need her to drag out her family laundry. He merely was trying to protect his own.

“Never mind. I understand this is very personal and I don’t make a habit of being nosy.” Still holding her hand, he let out a sigh. “I remember when my parents were killed. How hard it was, what a shock it was.”

Mentally, she shifted gears, forgot her own personal past and focused on his, mentally reviewing the research notes she’d studied this afternoon. “Ten years ago, right?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, in a voice that echoed with pain. It was her turn to give his hand a comforting squeeze. “In a plane crash.” He stared out into the darkness. “I was only twenty-two at the time, Jared was twenty and Josh only eighteen. He’d just graduated from high school the week before. My parents had gone to a cattle auction down in Texas. An old college buddy of my dad’s was with them.” He shut his eyes and he tried to block the memory of how painful that time had been. “It was a total shock. They’d only been gone two days and were on their way home when they got caught in a freak spring storm. The plane was struck by lightning, lost all hydraulics, cabin pressure and power. Investigators said they were probably dead before the aircraft hit the ground. Which was a blessing and some comfort, under the circumstances.” With a sigh, he scrubbed a hand over his eyes. “We were much too young to lose our parents. And Tommy…” Jake’s voice trailed off again, and he reached for his beer with his free hand, taking a long sip. “My dad was Tommy’s only child.” Jake shook his head. “It was horrendous for him, another devastating loss, but he never let us see him cry, never let us see his sorrow. He was strong
for us, made sure we all knew that we were family, we were the Ryans, nothing could beat us.
Nothing.
” Jake turned to her. “Tommy held us together then, and during those very dark days afterward, and in some ways he’s still holding us together now.”

“I’m sorry, Jake. I know how difficult that must have been for you, for all of you. First to lose Jesse, then your parents.” Sympathy on a professional level was something she felt much more comfortable with; it went with the territory.

“What’s always haunted me is that my parents died without ever knowing what happened to Jesse.” His smile was wan. “He was their youngest, their baby, and it was devastating for them when Jesse disappeared. Especially my mom,” he added quietly. He smiled suddenly, lost in memories. “She was fabulous, Slick, just fabulous. Small, but fierce and mighty. She was the boss, but my dad absolutely adored her and us. Jesse’s disappearance was not something they ever got over.” Stunned by the depth of the emotions merely talking about his parents and Jesse brought forth, Jake found himself swallowing hard.

It had been a long time since he’d allowed himself to think about his brother or his parents, let alone talk about them, perhaps because their loss had left a gaping, painful hole inside of him, a hole that was too painful to face.

And in the case of Jesse, there was also the guilt. Guilt like a heavy hand lying on his shoulder. A reminder of a time when he hadn’t protected his family. He’d gone off with his brothers to an overnight at a friend’s house. At five, Jesse was too young to go with
them so they’d left him behind crying, begging to come along. Jake remembered turning back and waving as Jesse sobbed. It was the last time he saw his baby brother. He never forgave himself for not taking Jesse that night.

“That’s understandable,” she said, glancing into the distance, finding it too disconcerting to look at his beautiful face, especially when his eyes were so filled with pain. Instead, she mentally shifted gears, wanting to distract him somehow from his loss. It wasn’t much, but it was the only way she knew how to comfort.

“You were very fortunate, Jake. Do you know that?”

“Fortunate?” He turned to her with a frown, wondering how on earth she thought his family could have been fortunate. “How?”

“Because you had Tommy, your parents, your brothers. A family.” Rebecca swallowed hard, then continued. “I never had any family,” she said quietly, stunning him. “I grew up in an orphanage.”

The sadness in her voice struck a chord in his heart and he looked at her curiously, not sure he understood. “But you had a mother—”

“Who abandoned me when I was just a little girl.” She shrugged, not realizing that the pain in her eyes had deepened. “Not exactly Mother of the Year material,” she said with a small, wan smile that tore at his heart. “Not at all how your mother sounded. I never really knew her, Jake. I spent almost my entire life in an orphanage, not belonging to anyone.” She tried to keep her smile intact, but her face felt like
glass and her eyes flickered nervously. “So I understand your dedication, your love toward your family.” Glancing into the darkness, she shrugged, unable to look at him. “I understand how much they mean to you and why you want to protect them so much.” She understood it, admired it and him. He was an incredibly wonderful, honorable man.