With Family In Mind (Saddle Falls Book 1) (14 page)

And a lucky one.

The sense of betrayal she’d always felt was hovering just below the surface. Desperately, she tried to bank it, ignore it.

“A family…well, it’s not something I ever had, and I guess I envy the fact that you had a home, a family, two parents who loved you and brothers who cared about you, not to mention a wonderful grandfather to keep everything and everyone together.”

She’d never openly acknowledged the loss she’d felt. Perhaps because doing so made it seem all too real. If she didn’t acknowledge it, she could ignore it.

“Knowing you belonged somewhere, to someone, is a blessing in itself.” She glanced away, aware that he was stroking her hand, making her pulse pound and her heart thud. Swallowing hard, and determined to ignore his touch, she turned back to him.

“Yes, you’ve had hardships, Jake. Most families do. But you also had the knowledge and comfort of that family to love and guide you and see you through all those hard times.” She cocked her head. “I’d say you were very, very lucky indeed.”

Envy was not something she ever allowed herself to feel. Like most emotions, it was useless and served no purpose. Nor was it a particularly attractive trait.
She’d tried never to be envious of anyone in her life, but being here with Jake, hearing him talk about his family, actually staying in the place that had served as her only home, was making her feel an envy like she never had before, and a longing for what could have been. Should have been.

And it shamed her, wanting and needing all the things she’d never had.

“Oh Slick, you’re so right, you know that?” He gazed at her, unable to imagine how horrendous it would have been to have grown up without his brothers, his grandfather, his parents.
His family.

The sadness in her voice almost broke his heart. It also humbled him. He had no idea what he would have done, who he would have been, without his family. They were his anchor, his stability throughout all of life’s storms.

Who had Rebecca turned to when she was growing up, when lost and afraid? Lonely or scared? Who’d taken care of her, protected her when she was ill, or when the world seemed to be turning its back on her?

No one.

The answer echoed hollowly in his ears, making his insides churn with a feeling of powerlessness he’d never felt before.

Now he understood what had put that haunting sadness in her eyes, and it made his arms ache to hold her until the pain was gone, to protect her from the world. To keep her from ever being hurt again.

“Thank you, Rebecca.”

She frowned. “For what?”

He smiled. “For making me see how fortunate I’ve
been. For so long I’ve concentrated on the hardships, the tragedies that have befallen the Ryans that I’ve forgotten to be grateful for what I had. I’ve been mourning what we didn’t have, instead of appreciating what we did have.”

He felt gratified by her confession, grateful she trusted him enough to confide in him about her personal life. He had a feeling she didn’t do either often, and he felt honored that she’d given him her trust.

Which was more than he’d given her, he thought with deep regret.

He glanced at her, realizing that for some reason he did trust her.

It should have scared the hell out of him and sent him running in the opposite direction. But it didn’t.

Something stronger was pulling him toward her like an invisible thread he couldn’t seem to break.

Watching her, he wasn’t certain he even wanted to any longer.

“Slick.” Still holding her hand, he tugged her closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his warmth. He needed to hold her right now, though he wasn’t certain if it was for his sake or hers.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he whispered, kissing the top of her silky head. They both knew he was talking about more than the loss of her mother, rather, about all the losses she’d endured. “Thank you for making me see and appreciate what I have and have had all my life. Sometimes seeing things through someone else’s eyes makes you see what you have in a new light.”

“Jake.” The moment he’d pulled her into his arms
that ache of desire, of need had started again, frightening her. She didn’t want his sympathy or his soothing. The last thing in the world she wanted was for anyone to feel sorry for her. The idea was simply repugnant.

“Relax, Slick.” He nestled her closer, laying his head atop hers. “Just relax for a minute. I promise not to bite.” That was about all he could promise right now with her so close, her gentle curves pressed so seductively against him. Even in her baggy, too-big sweatshirt he could feel the delicate feminine curve of her breasts pressed against his chest. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and her unbound breasts, free and full, felt like heaven against him, making him ache to touch them, taste them.

“Jake.” Lifting a hand to his chest, she tried to hold him at bay. “I’m sorry, but you know we can’t do this.” She
couldn’t
do this. She wouldn’t. She had to remain professional, to protect herself and her story. No matter what.

But it felt so wonderful to be back in his arms again. A desperate need struggled to be free, yet Rebecca steadfastly, deliberately held it in.

“Yeah, I know,” he murmured, trailing his lips across her forehead, down her cheek to the very corner of her mouth, where he nibbled seductively. “It’s unethical, right?”

“R-right.” Something seemed to have stolen her breath and made her pulse spike and her nipples ache. “Jake.” She glanced up at him, her gaze soft and dreamy. Her lips were slightly parted, and he couldn’t resist. He brought his mouth down on hers, feeling
something akin to a lock clicking into place. It was so loud, so distinctive, he was surprised she hadn’t heard it.

“No, Jake, we…can’t.” Her protest was halfhearted. Valiantly, she fought back the need, the desire, the unbearable urge to be held and touched by him. But she couldn’t help it; she turned her head toward him, lifted a hand to the back of his head to bring his mouth down more firmly on hers.

Hunger attacked and desire rose quickly, igniting the smoldering flame that had burst to life the first moment he’d touched her, kissed her.

As his mouth took hers possessively, passionately, his groan matched hers, and she greedily slid her fingers through his silky black hair, holding him close, wanting, needing more of this wonderful magic that happened every time he touched her.

She clung to him, allowing herself the pleasure of his kiss. Never had she imagined that the touch of another human being could be so exquisite, so wonderful, make her feel so complete.

Normal.

The word echoed in her mind. This wonderful torrent of feelings, of emotions must be what normal people felt, allowed themselves to experience.

She’d always known she’d been different, but in Jake’s arms, she felt like a normal woman.

She felt wanted.

For the first time in her life she actually felt wanted. Jake made her feel that, had given her that. A gift, she thought hazily. A rare and precious gift. The mere knowledge of being wanted.

Her past slid away, and the only thing that mattered was the man in her arms and the feelings his touch evoked. For one brief moment, she decided to give herself the pleasure, to indulge herself with things that other women took for granted. Things she’d never had.

When Jake’s hand slid under her sweatshirt to caress the bare skin of her back, she sighed deeply, arching against him, wanting only to ease the unbearable ache in her hardened nipples.

He took the kiss deeper, leading them into the murky darkness of need and desire, where promises fled and passion ignited.

When his tongue touched hers she felt as if everything inside her melted, turning to a seething liquid that poured slowly through her veins, drugging her with feelings she’d had no idea existed.

It was like being dragged under a wave, she decided hazily, a deep, dark murky wave. Not quite knowing what was coming next, but enjoying it all the same.

Giving in to the sensations pummeling her body, her mind, her heart, Rebecca forgot for a moment that she was playing with fire, and allowed Jake to lead her on this sensuous journey.

His hand continued to stroke her bare back, sliding up and down in a gentle, caressing motion that only made the ache inside her grow.

“Oh Rebecca,” he whispered with a groan, drawing back to brush his mouth sensuously over hers. As he tenderly swept her hair from her face, she saw her own desire reflected in his eyes, and reality set in.

“Jake.” Stunned and embarrassed by her actions,
her response to him and the serious lapse she’d allowed, Rebecca shook her head. “I’m sorry, this shouldn’t have happened.” Meeting his gaze, she read the protest in his eyes, and pressed her fingers to his lips before he could voice it. “No, Jake,” she whispered. “This can’t happen.” Firmly, she shook her head. “This is for the best. I’m sorry if I’ve led you to believe otherwise.” She scooted away from him, wanting only to put some distance between them so she could get her bearings again.

“Rebecca, there’s no point fighting what’s between us. You can deny it all you want, but it’s not going to go away.” He couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt that she could so easily dismiss what was so powerful between them.

Didn’t she realize this didn’t happen very often? What was between them was special—magical. He recognized it, so why couldn’t she?

“Jake, I’m sorry.” She stood, smoothed her sweatshirt down and shivered. Not from the cold, but from the lack of his touch. “This is not open for discussion.” She met his gaze, praying her voice was firm, strong. “There’s nothing between us. There can’t be, and there’s no point in pretending otherwise.”

“You’re wrong,” he said firmly, standing up and taking a step closer to her. He stopped when she took a step in retreat. Fearing he’d frighten her, he stayed where he was, but his arms ached to hold her.

“It’s getting late, Jake.” She glanced at him, aware that he had touched her in a way no one had before, and not just physically. She would simply ignore all the feelings he’d aroused. She had no choice; anything
else would jeopardize all she’d committed herself to— especially this story, and her own personal satisfaction in getting to the truth. “I think you’d better leave.” Lifting her chin, she tried to make her voice stern, clear, but she was still trembling inside.

“Yeah, maybe I should.” Scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration, Jake realized they were trembling. His entire body was on fire, aching with the need to mate, to possess. He wanted Rebecca, wanted to bury himself inside of her, to hold her, touch her, to take her to that place where there was nothing but him and her and the feelings they shared.

Oh yeah, he wanted her. There was no denying it. But this went far deeper than merely a physical attraction. He’d been attracted to women before. Hell, he’d had numerous relationships. But that’s all they’d been—physical relationships. He’d not allowed any woman to touch his heart, not since Diana.

He hadn’t been able to. Not by choice, but because his heart had been encased in ice after Diana’s betrayal. His own form of protection, he thought with resentment, realizing just how much Diana had cost him. But that ice, that protection, seemed to have melted the moment he’d touched Rebecca.

If he had any brains, he’d be heading for the hills, running as fast as he could.

But he made the mistake of looking at Rebecca, and saw not a dangerous woman he couldn’t trust, but a vulnerable, very fragile woman who needed him and his protection.

Whether she realized it or not.

She was scared and skittish, worried that a personal
relationship would jeopardize her story, her objectivity. He could respect that, but she wasn’t going to be working on her story forever. And when she was finished he planned to be there waiting.

For now, there was no point in pressing the issue. It would only make her withdraw within herself again, something he didn’t want to have happen.

He knew now why she did it: out of pain and fear. He wanted her to learn to trust him, so that she’d know she had nothing to fear from him.

Not ever. He protected what was his, and he knew on some deep, elementary level that Rebecca
would
be his.

But looking at the determination on her face, he figured this probably wasn’t a good time to mention it to her.

It could wait.

As would he.

“Yeah, Slick, it’s late. I probably should go.” With a sigh, Jake reached out, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He glanced at his watch, not seeing or caring about the time. “It’s been a long day for both of us. But at least I know you had some dinner,” he said with a smile. “You won’t blow away with a good wind. At least not tonight.” He was trying to lighten the mood as he bent and picked up her plate, loaded it into the cooler along with the bottle of wine and his empty beer bottle. He straightened with a worried frown. “Are you all settled in? Do you need me to do anything? Help you with anything?”

Touched by his offer, she smiled up at him. “No thanks, Jake. I think I’ve got everything handled.”
She rubbed her temple. It was throbbing again. Lightly, but enough to annoy. “I’m going to go in and try to get some more work done.”

“Tonight?” he asked in surprise.

“Writers are like vampires. We do our best work at night.” On impulse, she stepped closer and kissed his cheek, feeling it was a safe thing to do. “Thanks, Jake. For everything, and especially for understanding.”

He lifted a hand, aching to touch her, but let it drop to his side. “You’re welcome, Slick.” His gaze went over her face, touching every beautiful feature. “If you need anything, just give a holler.”

“I will.” She couldn’t stop looking at him. “Do you think you’ll have some time in the next few days to answer some questions for me?” She shifted her weight. “I have some things to do, but I’m sure the deeper I get into this the more questions I’ll have.”

“Yeah, sure, just let me know when you’re ready. I’ve got a meeting with a banker tomorrow morning, but I’ll probably be free by early afternoon.” Cocking his head, he studied her. “You want me to just come on by?”