With This Heart (11 page)

“
Some of us are trying to eat, you know…”

He laughed and shook his head. “What are you doing, Abby?” he asked, reaching into his bag for clothes and holding his towel together with the other hand.
Oh god, please let it fall open. Please let it fall open. Wait, no. I’m not watching. I’m enjoying my pizza.

“
Abby?” Beck prodded, peering over his shoulder at me.

Realizing I’d been caught peeking through my fingers, I scrunched them back together quickly. “I’m protecting my womanly sensibilities,” I answered. “What are
you
doing?”

He shook his head, “Trying to break you out of your shell.”

“
Consider my shell cracked,” I answered, dropping my hands and reaching for my pizza slice. Keeping my eyes focused on that savory pizza was training in will power.

Clothes successfully in hand, Beck made his way back to the bathroom. I thought I was in the clear, but at the last second, I glanced up and he dropped his towel. It fell with a thump right at the edge of my bed.

“
BECK!” I yelled just as I was greeted by his tremendously-shaped backside. It was definitely the best butt I had ever seen, which is saying something because I saw Brad Pitt’s in Troy.

When we were beyond full and the movie credits were rolling, I turned toward Beck.

“
Did you work while you were in school?” I asked, wondering how he was able to splurge on our trip.

He scrunched his brows and turned toward me. “No, I took hard course loads and was an undergrad TA. Why?”

I shrugged and shifted my gaze to his worn-in t-shirt. “I was just wondering how you have money to splurge on a road trip if you’re still in college.”

“
Ah,” he nodded, and turned toward me. His brown hair fell over his forehead in a boyish mess and I thought for a moment to reach over and tuck it back into place. I gripped my shirt instead.

“
I had a trust fund that became active when I turned twenty-one.”

“
So you’re really rich?” I asked, probably breaking every social code.

“
Stinking rich,” he said with a silly grin.

“
Like that movie where the kid gets a blank check?”

He laughed and then met my eyes with a fierce-intensity. “My grandfather started a publishing house. That business card I wrote my number on was his.”

My mouth dropped and then I quickly shuffled off the bed and retrieved my purse. His grandfather’s card was still tucked away in my wallet behind my buy one get one free frozen yogurt coupon.

“
Do you want it back?” I asked. The card looked old and worn and I felt bad that I hadn’t taken better care of it.

He scrunched his brows together and shook his head. “No. I like knowing you have it.”

For a second I thought about arguing that he should keep it, but then I thought better of it. “Okay, it’ll be in my wallet in case you want it back,” I conceded.

“
Thanks.”

“
So why don’t you just go work for your grandfather’s company?” I asked, crawling back onto the bed and pulling my long night shirt down.

“
He sold it a few years before he passed away.”

“
Oh. Was it a family business?”

His features hardened at the mention of his family. In the few days I’d known Beck, I thought his entire personality was lighthearted and carefree, but in that brief break of character, I saw a deeper layer hidden beneath.

“
It could have been, but my father’s an engineer. He went to MIT as well.” Another piece of the Beck puzzle fell into place.

“
Let me guess…was he a
petroleum
engineer?” I was trying to lighten the mood, but I was doing a poor job of it. His gaze was focused on the never-ending abyss that filled the space between our two bodies.

“
Ding, ding, ding,” Beck mocked sarcastically, and I knew he was tired of discussing his father.

“
Well my dad is a computer programmer and my mom quit her job when I was born,” I answered, diverting the topic.

“
Because of your illness?” he asked.

“
I’ll never be sure. She said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and never minded the fact that she had to focus most of her attention on me.” I rolled onto my back and stared up at the popcorn ceiling. “I give her a lot of crap, but every day I lived past my life-expectancy mark was because of her. Because she never took no for an answer and demanded the best medical treatment and holistic care.”

“
Is that why you’re a vegetarian?” he asked. I was surprised he’d picked up on that fact.

I nodded. “Tons of studies have proven that meat, especially red meat, is linked to heart disease and cancer, so obviously my mom nixed that from my diet when I was really young.”

“
Maybe I’ll become a vegetarian with you,” he declared with a half smile.

I glared over at him. “Good luck, Mr. Supreme Pizza.”

“
Oh man, that was
really
good. Maybe I’ll just have meat until the end of this trip or something. I need a cut-off day so I can eat everything one last time.”

“
Sounds reasonable,” I replied.

We laid there for a moment in silence.

“
Let’s go to sleep. I have a surprise for you in the morning,” he said with a confident smile.

“
Really?”

His gaze took in my wide grin.

“
Yep, and it has to do with the ocean.” He waggled his eyebrows.

I squealed and jumped up onto my feet. My hips bumped from side to side as I did a giddy dance on top of the hotel bed.

“
Abby! What if you’re getting your hopes up?” Beck called, jumping up to join me. I didn’t care if I was or not.

“
Not possible!” I yelled. “I’ve only been to the ocean one time and that was like ten years ago! I’ll be happy with whatever it is.”

We ended jumping around the bed and laughing as we tried out various mid-air poses. I attempted to do a herky jump, but I ended up just flailing around. He probably saw my bright pink underwear beneath my sleepshirt, but I didn’t really care. We were friends. Beck reached out for my hands and I gave them to him willingly. His grip held mine easily, and then he started twisting in a circle so that I had no choice but to follow his lead. My feet dipped in and out of the mattress as we spun faster and faster until the hotel room was a blur behind him. Everything was a mess of color. His hazel eyes were the only thing in focus.

“
Mercy!” I yelled, feeling the pizza in my stomach starting to protest our wild spins.

He let go of me instantly and we fell back onto the bed with exasperated sighs. Our quick inhales and exhales dotted the silence. A smile was permanently etched across my cheeks and I feared that I would end up going to sleep with it still there.

“
A journalist,” Beck said between breaths.

“
What?” I asked, shifting my gaze to him. He had the same wild grin on his face that I did. His eyes were focused on a single point on the ceiling, but there was no mistaking the hope clouding them.

“
I want to be a journalist. I applied for an internal transfer at MIT.”

I woke up the next morning tangled in Beck. My legs were wrapped around him, his hand was under my shirt, wrapped around the side of my torso, and my arms were hugging his chest. I froze immediately for fear that he would wake up and assume that I was mauling him in his sleep.

My thoughts went something like this:
Mmm this feels good, he’s so hot, OH MY GOD I’m practically feeling him up, GET OFF HIM
. I decided that the best idea was to move away from him like someone would rip off a band-aid. I counted down in my head.
Three, two, one.
Then I rolled away from him in one quick motion. Except I overcompensated because I was nervous and a little turned on from his zero percent body fat, so I ended up slipping off the bed and hitting my head on the wall as my body thumped onto the ground.

“
Ouch!” I howled, pressing a hand to my forehead.

“
Abby?” Beck asked with a hazy tone.

“
Yes. No. Just go back to sleep.” I stayed crouched on the ground, hoping he would go back to sleep and I could tend to my pride in peace. But a moment later, a head of messy brown hair peeked over the side of the bed. He had a silly grin and was blinking his eyes open one at a time. The expression on his face told me that he knew exactly what happened.

“
You’d rather sleep on the floor than next to me?” he asked, but his words were muffled by the blanket.

I shrugged and pushed to my feet. “You’re a blanket hog.”
Yeah, good job, Abby. That sounded much cooler than you really are.

“
Is that why you needed to cuddle me for warmth?” he asked, stealing my smugness.

“
I don’t know what you mean by ‘cuddling’,” I lied, rifling through my clothes, trying to distract myself from his gaze. “But I’m going to go down and eat breakfast.”

“
Okay. I’m going to go for a quick run.”

“
Sounds good. I have some things to do as well. Want to just meet at the beach?”

Beck agreed and I went into the bathroom to change into my bathing suit and cover up. By the time I was done, he’d already left for his run.

I grabbed my beach gear and the black urn before heading down to grab a banana and some granola from the hotel’s breakfast bar. I wasn’t sure where I would attempt to spread the ashes considering we’d slept in so late that the beach was already crowded. Could you imagine if I opened the urn and the ashes spread out all over some kid’s sandcastle or a family’s beach picnic? I was tempted to try it just to see the madness that would ensue, but it seemed too cruel even for my dark humor. Instead, I hiked my beach tote higher on my shoulder and set out to find a more private location.

The moment I stepped outside, a wild breeze picked up strands of my hair and whipped them around. I walked down onto the sand and stuffed my sandals into my bag so I could feel the warmth beneath my feet. In a few hours the sand would be unbearably hot, but now it just comforted my soles as I walked along the shoreline.

I passed so much life on the edge of that ocean. Happy kids running toward the water and then stopping abruptly at the edge and squealing with excitement. Would I have screamed like that if I was healthy enough to go to the beach when I was that young?

Almost a mile away from our hotel I found a long fishing pier. There weren’t any fishermen on it. Maybe the water was too choppy or maybe it wasn’t fishing season. I had no clue. All that mattered was that I could traverse the wooden planks and have a perfect spot to spread some of the ashes. I dropped my bag and retrieved the urn. The tape was already starting to curl back from the edge, but I prayed that it would stay intact for the rest of the trip.

After a peek behind me to make sure I was truly alone, I peeled back the tape and popped the lid off. As soon as that urn opened, the wind picked up the particles of ash resting at the very top. I titled the urn a smidgen to the side and even more particles were carried off over the water. The ocean was a much better place to spread ashes than the center of the woods.

I watched the ashes twinkle in the sunlight. Most of them dropped to the surface of the water, but the wind swirled some around and around, taking them farther from the pier. No words or prayers came to mind, but a
feeling
settled in my stomach. Freedom. I smiled wide watching the symbols of my oppression being carried away by nature’s invisible force.

By the time I found a spot under an umbrella near our hotel, Beck still hadn’t arrived. Was he running a marathon or something? I pulled out my SPF 100 sunblock and peeled off my cover-up. I could already see a slight red glow dotting my thighs and shoulders. The perks of pale skin were endless.

Just as I was adjusting my navy bikini top, I heard Beck approaching. His signature laugh drifted toward me and I turned to see him talking to a girl I recognized from the hotel breakfast bar. How did he meet girls so quickly? I hadn’t come across one guy in nineteen years that seemed interested in me, yet it seemed as if girls approached him daily. Maybe I was playing for the wrong team. Maybe being a lesbian would be easier.

“
Yeah, hopefully we can make it.” I heard him telling the girl. Wait, what?

“
We?” she asked, and I quickly turned back around, hoping they hadn’t noticed me watching.
Squeeze the lotion and put it on your arm like a normal person would do
. I ended up squeezing it too hard and the lotion darted a few feet to the left, landing on the protruding belly of an old man sleeping. Oops.

“
Me and my friend, Abby.”

“
Oh,” the girl answered with a dejected sigh. “Okay, sure. It’ll start around eight.”

Yeah, whore. That’s me, his
friend
, Abby. Then the realization hit. Was I freaking friend-zoned?

“
Alright, cya.”

Oh god, I knew he was walking toward me then. I busied myself with reading the ingredients on the back of my organic sunscreen. Zinc Oxide, zinc oxide, zinc oxide. Beck plopped down next to me, jostling my shoulder slightly.

“
Oh hi, Beck! I didn’t see you there.” My voice was an octave higher than usual and my smile exuded fake sweetness.

He gave me an odd look and then nodded back to where he was just standing.

“
That girl is staying in our hotel. She invited us to a bonfire tonight on the beach.”