Without a Mother's Love (35 page)

It took her several minutes to identify young Hesley. He seemed so much older and thinner, and he staggered as he took up his position as chief mourner. She remembered how his grandfather had dominated his life and wondered if he had ever asked about his mother, or been told the truth. She considered the possibility that Anna might be able to see her son now that old Hesley was dead and gone.

Mr Harvey, the apothecary, was standing beside him, supporting his elbow as he swayed. Then they were lost from view as the grave was surrounded by dark-coated gentlemen in tall black hats, clustering around the vicar.

With a start she recognized the principal from Blackstone. She shrank back into the trees. Dear heaven, she did not want to meet him. He must have been aware of the reputation of Hill Top House, and also that she had been keen to go there. He had probably known all along what would happen to her. She did not notice the tall gentleman behind Hesley at the back of the gathering until the service was over and he detached himself from the group to walk in her direction.

 

Jared was standing next to his father when he spotted her, half hidden beneath the trees, to see her former lover buried. He supposed she had heeded her conscience in the end and left before she was sent away, after Olivia had married. Still, he expected that old Hesley had paid her handsomely for her services. He might have been mean with his miners but he was not so with his women.The vicar had finished and the mourners were moving away.

‘We are invited for sherry and biscuits at the Red Lion,’ his father murmured in his ear.

‘You go ahead. There’s someone I want to talk to.’

‘Hesley first.’

‘Of course.’

Jared approached Olivia’s husband, offered his hand and a few words of condolence. Hesley’s grip was weak and his eyes vacant. Jared had not seen him for several weeks and was shocked by the deterioration in his appearance. He looked enquiringly at Adam Harvey, who shook his head to urge him to move on. Clearly it was more than grief that was bringing Hesley down. Jared turned his attention to the woman in the trees.

Even though he had disapproved of the governess as old Hesley’s lover, he owned to thanking God that she was there. In fact, his heart was racing as he approached her. She might know where Olivia was. Perhaps she had come on Olivia’s account, even, to report on how her husband was faring. Why else would she wish to pay her respects to a man she claimed had corrupted her? Could Olivia be living with her? He frowned. If they were together he was anxious about the life they might be leading.

As soon as Harriet saw Jared her heart soared. He would have news of Olivia! She waited patiently for him to reach her.

‘Miss Trent.’ He nodded curtly. He did not sound friendly.

‘Sir.’ She curtsied. ‘I trust you are well.’ He nodded, but his face was stony and she rushed on, ‘Mrs Mexton is also in good health?’

His expression changed so suddenly and so alarmingly that she blinked.

‘Is she not with you?’ he demanded.

‘With me? Why should she be with me?’

‘Because she idolized you.You must have known it.’

Harriet felt a thrill of pleasure course through her, which was quickly followed by regret that she had had to leave her - and then anxiety.

‘Hesley would not have expected her at the funeral, would he?’ she asked.

She watched the colour drain from Jared’s face and his expression turn to grief. His eyes looked haunted.

‘You have not seen her?’ His voice was hoarse. ‘You were my last hope. I was certain you would know where she was.’

‘Surely Hesley made arrangements for her in the town?’

‘Hesley has no care for her, and has not since she left him.’

‘
Left
him?’

‘She walked out one day and has not been seen since.’

‘Olivia is no longer living at Hill Top House?’

‘She disappeared some months ago. She took the pony and trap out early and it was found abandoned on the Sheffield road.’

‘No!’ Tears sprang to Harriet’s eyes. ‘But where did she go?’

‘I thought you might be able to tell us. I thought she would be with you.’

‘Did not Hesley search for her?’

‘I believe he tried. I have been looking for her ever since I heard she had gone. When someone said you had been to the new chapel in town I hoped she had gone after you.The alternative does not bear thinking about.’

Surely she cannot be dead. ‘Was there no trace of her at all?’

Jared shook his head.

‘
Then where is she?
’

‘I wish I knew. I have even travelled to Bristol. Olivia’s grandmother came from there. I guessed she might have fled to her. She is dead, but no one had seen Olivia.’

‘Were they not concerned for her well-being?’

Jared guffawed. ‘Olivia’s Bristol kin didn’t approve of her grandmother’s marriage to Samuel Mexton in the first place. They thought that coal was dirty and beneath them. Olivia’s father might have been a lawyer but in their eyes he was of the same standing as a servant. They believed he had married Olivia’s mother for her fortune.’

Harriet knew about how Olivia’s grandmother had prevented Olivia’s father squandering her fortune by forming the trust for her. Perhaps with good reason, she thought wistfully.

‘Besides,’ Jared continued, ‘they have plenty of sons and she was a girl, someone else’s responsibility.They were slave traders, you know. I was relieved, in a way, that she hadn’t run to them. Did you send for her?’

‘No! I was unhappy about her marriage, but I thought Hesley might come back from the West Indies as a more mature gentleman.’ Her eyes were glassy.

‘But you knew his grandfather. Did you expect him to turn out differently?’

‘I hoped he might, for Olivia’s sake. Has no one seen her?’ She looked him square in the eye as the first tears spilled onto her cheeks.

Jared thought her grief was genuine but he was not sure whether it was for Olivia or the old rake who had just been lowered into the ground. He glanced over her, taking in her appearance for the first time. She was neatly dressed in a quiet, understated way. Plain gown, well cared-for, polished boots peeping out as she lifted her skirts from the wet grass, a cloak that was not opulent but made of decent cloth and serviceable. This was the dress of a housekeeper, he thought, and wondered where she was employed.

‘Not a soul,’ he said. ‘I was sure she would try to find you. She was devastated when you left.’

‘I - I had to,’ Harriet said. ‘The master was a wicked man. I only stayed as long as I did because of Olivia.’

Jared remembered how Olivia had blamed herself when Miss Trent left. ‘Where did you go?’ he asked.

‘There’s an asylum on the far side of the Riding. I found a position there.’

This was not what he had expected and his eyes widened.

‘I work with a mission, and some of the inmates,
^’
she continued.

A mission? That was how Sarah had heard Miss Trent’s name. Suddenly he knew how important it was to make friends with the governess. She held the key to finding Olivia. She knew Olivia better than anyone and could ask questions of other ladies where he could not.

‘Are you staying in town, Miss Trent? We should talk more.’

Harriet answered truthfully, giving the leader’s name, and adding, ‘You may reach me through the meeting room near the beast market.’

Jared offered his arm. ‘May I walk you into town?’

‘Thank you, but I shall stay here a little longer. I want to watch the sexton fill in the grave.’

‘Just to be sure?’ he queried lightly.

She nodded, and gave him the vestige of a smile. ‘I will help to tamp down the soil.’

 

Jared moved through the mourners at the Red Lion until he was standing beside his father. ‘Have you asked about Olivia?’

‘No one’s heard anything and no one seems to care apart from us. Whom did you meet in the churchyard?’

‘The governess. She hadn’t seen Olivia either and she was my last hope.’

‘You talked to her?’

‘She was at the burial.’

‘I didn’t see her.’

‘She was watching from the trees.’

‘So she cared for the old goat after all.’

‘Hardly. She wanted to dance on his grave.’

‘I see. And she knows nothing of Olivia?’

‘No. But she is as concerned as we are. She was very close to her. For a governess, at any rate.’

‘What is she doing now?’

‘She teaches at the asylum, of all places.’

‘Are folk in there capable of learning?’

‘Some of them must be. I’m going to speak more with her. She knew Olivia and I will not give up hope. I mean to find her and, together, we shall search until we do.’

Chapter 27

‘Are you awake, my dear?’

Livvy feigned sleep, knowing that Toby was too well-mannered to wake her. But as she listened to him drawing on his nightshirt she knew that if she did not do her duty tonight he would expect it of her in the morning. If anything, he would be more vigorous then.

She loved living at the old farm and she was able to tolerate being his wife in all respects but this. It was because she did not love him as a husband that this aspect of her marriage was distasteful to her. She felt used by him and it was her own fault. She had thought that her lack of love for him would not matter. But it did. Without desire, without passion, she felt as though she was selling herself to him for the price of a home. It was no different from Hesley’s wager, when Jessup had so cruelly invaded her body. At first she had been able to endure Toby’s attentions, but she despised him for his appetites.

The following morning she woke early and slipped out of bed to wash and dress, disturbing him.

‘Why so early, Livvy? Come back to bed.’

‘I must get the fire lit.’

‘Not for another half-hour, surely.’

‘It’s chilly. There is a north wind blowing.’

‘Half an hour, my dear.’

His tone was firm and she knew what he meant. ‘I already have my corset on.’

‘Then take it off. You are my wife.’ It was the first time he had spoken to her in their chamber in such an authoritative fashion.

But she could not obey him. Silently she stepped into her gown and buttoned the bodice. He slid up the bed and watched her with a grim face. She picked up her stockings, garters and boots and went downstairs.

The fire was drawing well when he joined her in the kitchen and she turned to him with her best bright smile. ‘Oh, you are dressed. The water will soon be hot and I was going to bring it upstairs for your shave.’

‘Sit down, my dear.’ He stood in front of the window, blocking out the grey dawn.

She looked at her hands, grubby from laying the fire. ‘I must wash—’

‘Please sit down.’

He did not say it loudly, but his tone told her she should obey and she sank into the fireside chair.

‘Are you quite well?’

‘Of course.’

‘You were like this with me once before.’

She looked down and swallowed. It was nothing to do with that. A few months after their marriage ceremony her monthly courses, never regular, had been so much more than usual and very painful. A repetition of a similar incident after she was married to Hesley. No one had explained to her what was wrong then, not even Miss Trent. She had told her what Mr Harvey had said. It was because she was so young to be a bride and all would be well when she was older.The matter had not been discussed again.

She could not find the words to explain to Toby and had hoped he would understand. He had not questioned her and she had recovered, without an apothecary, to resume her wifely duties. However, she was unable to respond to those duties in the way that he wished, and it was then that she had begun to resent his demands on her body.

She did not have such an excuse today, only that she did not want him. She wished she did. He was a good man and she felt that she should be able to love him as a wife. He had been so kind and gentle with her, but she could not forget the trauma of that last night at Hill Top House. Toby wanted her so desperately to love him and she couldn’t. She feared he was losing patience with her.

‘I - I - sometimes I—’ She stopped. She wanted to tell him that she simply did not want him to touch her, but knew she could not. He would be hurt and angry, and rightly so. She tried to think of something to say.

When he spoke again, his voice was a little louder. ‘Do you think you might be with child, my dear?’

She was startled. ‘No.’

She was not even sure, now, that she still wished for a child. She had realized months ago that she had not fully considered the consequences when she had agreed to marry him. Certainly not the possibility of becoming with child. Surely it could not happen so soon. But her knowledge in these matters was sketchy. She dropped her gaze to her grubby fingers, entwined and hovering above her lap, and realized that it was always a possibility.

But she had long known that men did not regard the act as necessary only for begetting children. The urge was much stronger in men than in women. They did it for pleasure. Miss Trent had told she would eventually enjoy her unions with her husband, but she did not.

She was glad that her hands were not clean, for otherwise she would have placed them on her skirt over her belly as she contemplated the possible consequences of Toby’s regular demands. Her body’s responses were not a reliable indicator in this matter, but she believed she had answered him honestly.

Toby’s voice softened.‘You have never spoken of your traumas before you came here, and I have never pressed you. But when you turn away from me I wonder that you have been ill-treated in the past. My attentions distress you. Do they remind you of those times?’

She would have to say something. She knew him well now and he would persist until she answered him. She kept her eyes on her hands. ‘No. Quite the opposite.You are thoughtful and - and loving. It’s - it’s - I am not used to such frequent attentions. You tire me.’