Without a Mother's Love (33 page)

While his sister was living in the household,Toby’s followers were comfortable with her. But when Anna left? Oh, yes, they would fear for their leader’s reputation, not hers. Did they think she would seduce him under cover of night? Become with child so that he would be obliged to make her his wife? The idea was laughable, but Livvy had the sense to see that it was a real dilemma for Toby.

She said, ‘Of course, you have a position to uphold. I shall leave as you suggest.’ But she wanted so desperately to stay that it must have shown in her tone. She was sure he did not believe her. He was a clever man, he had travelled widely and talked of his journeys, the people he had met. She guessed that he knew she wanted to stay.

‘I am not suggesting you leave, my dear.You are happy here and so am I. Very happy.’ He smiled at her again.

‘But I cannot stay if, as you say—’

He was holding his hands palm down in the gesture that she knew meant ‘Please be quiet and listen.’

‘You can stay as my wife.’

She stared at him, wide-eyed, as he turned over his hands and reached out towards her. ‘Would you consent to be my wife, Livvy?’

Wife?
Wife?
Of course she could not. She was someone else’s wife, but she dared not say so. Toby was an honourable man, and if he knew her true position in the Riding, he would have no choice but to return her to her husband. She floundered, seeking the right words. At last she said, ‘I am honoured and flattered that you hold me in such high esteem. But you must not take me as your wife because you feel sorry for me. You deserve better than that, Toby. You deserve better than me.’

‘And when I hear you say such things I know I am right to ask you. Your concern for the sensibilities of others is commendable. I do not ask you to marry me because I pity you. I ask you to be my wife because I believe that I can love you.’

‘You do not love me now?’

‘I shall! I feel a desire for you that I have not known since I was - a younger man.’ He remembered when he had indulged that passion with a young lady who resembled Livvy. And how she had loved him too. He added, ‘I must be truthful with you. In the past I have loved a woman and, to my shame, I did not marry her. This time I shall not make that mistake.’

Eventually she said, ‘I do not love you as a wife should love her husband.’

He looked disappointed but rallied: ‘Is your heart elsewhere? In your past?’

‘No,’ she answered. But it was. It was with Jared. ‘I love you as Anna loves you, only as a sister loves her brother.’

His voice was low and he did not look at her. ‘If you will allow me through our marriage vows, my dear, I shall teach you how to love me as your husband.’

She did not mistake his meaning. That was not love. That was what husbands expected of their wives when they were married. To seal their vows and beget heirs.

She said, ‘You cannot marry me. You do not know what I have done.’ She hesitated and her voice dropped to a whisper: ‘I am not a maid.’

‘Do you think I had not guessed that? You were running from some
thing
or some
one
in your past when I found you. You had been ill-used by those who should have known better.’

Alarmed at this statement, she exclaimed, ‘Why do you say that? What do you know of my past?’

‘Nothing, my love, save what you choose to tell me. I hope that, one day, you will trust me enough to unburden yourself further and allow me to help you overcome your pain.’

‘Please do not press me on that, Toby.
^’

His voice remained low. ‘I shall not.You need not fear.’

This only increased her agitation at her deception. ‘I cannot marry you.’

‘Of course you can,’ he argued softly. ‘My forgiveness for what you were was given when I hoisted you onto my horse that day by the canal. I do not wish to live without you and I must when Anna leaves.’

‘You will send me away?’

He sighed. ‘You do understand what I mean when I say you should not stay in this house with me unless we marry? I desire you and I am not made of stone. You cannot stay unless you become my wife.’

Livvy understood only too well. She was already thinking she would have to run away, leave under cover of darkness, and she did not want that. Were she in the next county she might have said yes to marriage with him. She cared not for the laws of the land - they had served her ill in her short life. But a ceremony here meant the church in the town, a vicar who might recognize her and know she already had a husband, alive and well and seeking her return.

She swallowed and replied, ‘I - I . . . If you wish it, I do not seek your hand in marriage to give you the comfort you desire.’

The horror on his face startled her. ‘Livvy! How can you even think of it? Would you give credence to the gossip? I am a mission leader! How can I betray my fellows in such a way? No, marriage is the only solution.’ He softened. ‘It is what I want for us. Please say yes.’

‘I cannot.’ She shook her head emphatically. ‘I cannot stand in the church and make the vows . . .
^’

‘Of course, I see. You are afraid of meeting with your past life in the town.’ He knelt by her side and held her hand tenderly. ‘Dearest Livvy, if you can bring yourself to agree to become my wife, to do this one thing for me, we shall be the first to have our union blessed in our chapel.’

‘Not the parish church?’

‘Why, no. As I said, we shall have notice soon from York that our chapel is registered for marriages. Our own Wesleyan minister will conduct the service. It will make me so happy.’

A marriage with Toby? Was it possible? She had found a safe and caring home with him and Anna. She gazed at him. If only he were Jared she would not hesitate. She would have lived with Jared outside marriage, even had his child outside wedlock. If that was wicked of her, then so be it. It was the only way she could ever be truly happy. But that was impossible for her. Toby was a fine man and would make any woman a good husband. He was strong in spirit and kind in heart, and she wondered why he had not married. As his wife, she would have a proper name, a proper life.

No one who went to the chapel knew her as Hesley Mexton’s wife. Chapel was for the artisan and labouring classes. She was Livvy Smith now, and Livvy Smith had not been married before. Toby knew she was not a maid and did not seem to mind. She would be protected from prying eyes and secure in a new life as Toby’s wife.

She thought briefly that she would go to gaol if anyone found out. But, she considered rashly, it would be worth it to stay in this loving home. She put her doubts to the back of her mind and said, ‘Very well. I will marry you.’

 

When he told Anna that Livvy had agreed to become his wife, she replied, ‘I am pleased for you and wish you both every happiness.’

‘You do not sound joyful.’

‘There is a side of her that we do not know. Do not expect too much.’

‘She has an inner strength, sister. When we are as one, she will open up to me, I am sure.’

Anna sighed. ‘I hope so. Truly, I do.’

 

Livvy wore her old day gown, and trimmed a straw bonnet with flowers. The minister, misreading her nervousness and uncertainty, assured them that the chapel was now registered with York and their marriage would be a proper one.They had a simple ceremony, which Anna attended with them. She left directly afterwards to go back to her own mission and Toby drove the trap, carrying his new bride, to the empty farmhouse.

As soon as they were inside the door he embraced her tightly. ‘Thank you, dearest, for agreeing to marry me. We shall learn to love each other as husband and wife. Let us begin now.’ He led her upstairs to his chamber and the bed that they would share.

Livvy took off her best dress and laid it carefully over the wooden ottoman. She knew what her duty was, and while he was disrobing she removed her undergarments and slid between the sheets.

When he climbed in beside her he was wearing his night attire. ‘My dear,’ he exclaimed, ‘where is your nightgown?’

‘Is this not what you wish?’

‘Well, I - that is, I had not expected to see you.’

She put her arms above her head and opened her legs.

He owned to being shocked, but he had a burgeoning hunger for her and he quickly shed his own garment. He wished he had taken longer, for his pleasure was over far too soon. He lay there afterwards, thinking how little she had responded to him. His memories of lovemaking as a young man were of eagerness and girlish thrills from the ladies. They had sought union as much as he. He was older now. But Livvy was not. Yet she had been willing. Perhaps he had rushed her, he reasoned. He must be patient. Tonight he would be better prepared, less anxious, and they would learn to enjoy each other in ways that only married people could.

But that night she was no different.The same passive offering and lack of passion. When it was over she sat up, drew her nightgown over her head, turned her back on him and went to sleep. He lay awake, fretting. There seemed to be no desire on her part. Livvy was compliant with his wishes, but she should expect more from him for herself, and he did not know how to encourage her.

If she did not warm to this part of their marriage how could he ever hope that she would love him? Would she tire of him and seek a more youthful husband? He did not believe that. Livvy, his adorable young wife, was a dispassionate and cold woman in the marriage bed. It shook him to the core.

 

Livvy was pleased he had got it over with quickly. Her previous experiences had been with rough, greedy men who called themselves gentlemen but did not behave as such in the bedchamber. Toby was different. He was vigorous, yet kind and gentle in his manner and his murmurings. He had said he did not mind if she preferred to wear her chemise or nightgown while he lay with her, so she did.This part of her new marriage would be tolerable if nothing else.

For nothing else was all she had.

 

‘The coal stocks are low, Father.’ Jared stood in the office doorway at his father’s forge. He filled the space, blocking out the light and casting his shadow over the large oak desk.

‘I don’t know what’s going on at Mexton Pit, these days,’ his father complained. ‘The barges used to arrive regular as clockwork, but now I never know when to expect one.’

‘The new seam is good, isn’t it?’

‘Oh, aye. As good as Swinborough’s.’

‘And the miners are back on full pay?’

‘What’s left of them. A lot of ’em moved on after the old manager died.’

‘Well, it should be here, then! We can’t run the steam engines without a regular supply of coal. If Mexton can’t ship it, we’ll go elsewhere.’

‘Calm down. I expect it’s young Hesley, having one of his turns.’

‘He never goes to the mine. He leaves everything to the manager.’

‘That’s the trouble. They said at the lodge he dismissed the man.’

‘What? He was young but he knew about mining.’

‘There was a difference of opinion over the way he ran the pit. From what I hear Hesley wanted him to run the mine as he tried to run the sugar plantation.’

Jared gave a hollow laugh. ‘When all his workers were slaves? The man’s mad.’

His father remained silent.

‘Can’t something be done about him, Father? He shouldn’t be in control of anything if he’s drunk and filled with laudanum.’

‘It’s his mine, son.’

‘It’s as much Olivia’s. It was her money that saved it.’

‘Don’t start on about his wife again.You couldn’t find her, and Hesley doesn’t want her. Wherever she is, she’s probably better off than she would be with him.’

‘If she’s still alive,’ Jared muttered bitterly.

‘Don’t say that. She’ll be with the governess. You’ll see.’

‘That’s what worries me!’ He stopped and took a deep breath. He had searched tirelessly for Olivia but it wasn’t his father’s fault that she had disappeared. ‘What are we going to do about this coal, Father? Shall I put in an order at Kimber Deep?’

‘No, son. Why don’t you ride over to Mexton Pit and find out what’s going on there? See if Hesley’s found a new manager yet.’

Jared decided his father was right. Nobody was holding the reins at Mexton. What was Hesley thinking? He could sell all the coal he could mine, and for a good price now.

Jared had not ridden to Mexton Pit for years. As he walked his horse slowly along the towpath he remembered Tobias Holmes and his sister with affection, but Olivia had kept him away from their mission.The new pithead was a couple of miles from the old one and the coal had to be carted further to the canal for transport to the forge. Kimber Deep had its own rail lines for drawing coal carts to the barges, but the Mexton cart track, laid with stone excavated from the new shaft, was already lined with ruts and littered with pot-holes. There was some activity at the engine house.

‘Halloo!’ he called. A working man came out to him. ‘Are you in charge?’

The man pushed back his cap. ‘You might say that. What’s your business?’

‘Is Mexton about?’

‘Who’s asking for him?’

‘Tyler. He supplies coal for our forge.’

‘Then you’ll know he’s badly.’

‘Not the master, his grandson. Is he about?’

‘He’s never set foot in this place and never likely to.’

‘Who do you answer to, then?’

‘I keep the records and Jessup in town has the other papers. He sends one of his clerks to pay the men.’

‘Well, your shipment is overdue.’

‘That’s as may be.’

Jared dismounted. ‘I see you’ve a steam engine now.’

‘When it’s working. I do me best, but t’ old manager that left knew more about it than I do. Horses are more reliable any day.’

‘Shall I have a look at it for you? I worked with the engine at Kimber Deep.’

‘They ’ave a proper engineer to keep it going. And that isn’t you, sir. You leave my engine alone.’