Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (12 page)

"Go away!" I screamed with the little confidence the barrier gave me.

"I'm only going to ask for you to come out of there, one more time."

"I'd rather not," my voice was small.

"Fuck, Eva!" The large pound hit the door where I sat.

I had no control over the sound coming from my throat. I was laughing, deep from the gut laughing. It was okay. I was losing my mind. The dark was welcoming my crazy.

"Eva?"

"Caleb?” I said in between gasps of air.

"Open the damn door, Eva. NOW!" He struck the door busting a hole through my safety net. I jumped back. My laughter silenced.

"NO!" I yelled back.

I wasn't about to go through another hard lessoned learned today. I found that I didn’t trust him anymore. The disappointment lies in the fact that I wanted to and I even started to. I made a mistake thinking this place could be my home. This wasn't my home.

I am a prisoner here.

I am not home.

But whose shit was I believing?

"Who the hell do you think you are!?" His fury was contagious, fueling my anger.

"Get Seth in here now!" He yelled away from the door.

"No!! No…no…no…I won’t come out." I responded to his orders, getting to me as quickly as possible.

"You want to play fucking games, Eva?"

The loud banging against the door weakened my knees. My eyes snapped shut, my fists clenched at my side. I trembled with each step backwards. My heart jumped into my throat. Flashes of Seth pulling me from the reaches of freedom choked me from the inside out.
Chayton
.

I buried myself in the nest of blankets now at the back of the shower. The banging grew louder. I shut the glass door and pulled the comforter tighter around me. I drew my knees to my chest hoping the painful shaking would ease.

My teeth chattered as the air-cooled. A thick, blistery blizzard blanketed the path behind me. I fought for hours against the wind. It was hard to breathe. My knees pinned me against the frozen bark. I was lost in the woods, barefoot and cold. My burlap sap of a dress was torn and unable to keep me warm.

The shattering of my barrier into my sanctuary jolted me from another Pull. I trembled fearing his contact. He rushed through the bathroom pulling the shower door open.
Chayton.

"Get out!" Caleb stood over me glowing by the light of the bedroom.

I tucked into myself hiding my face from his view, the blanket covering me up to my neck. I wished for the wall to disappear behind me giving me more space to back away from him.

"Get up!" He yanked the blankets from around me, snatching my arms, his eyes on door.

"OW!" I yelped.

I was naked and he hadn’t noticed yet. He dragged me through the bathroom towards to the door; my arms flailed with a mind of their own, ignoring the pain of the broken, bruised and cut. I was in panic.
Seth.
 

"Eva, that's enough." He looked back at me. His hands dropped, his eyes widened. The silence between us made it easier to hear his breath pick up.

I shied away from his hand reaching towards me. The spotlight from the other room shined on me, showing my unfortunate bare skin.

"E-va," he choked.

"Please don't make me go out there."

"What happened…?” His eyes traveled down my body. "Who…" his eyes locked there.

"Please…stop staring." I limped into the shower grabbing the blankets. I covered myself and sunk against the far corner of the shower.

The spotlight disappeared. I heard the door latch.

"Eva…" He knelt in front of me.

"Happy now?" The tears surprised me. I didn’t want him to see any more of my weakness than he already had.

"Am I happy?"

"You left me here with him."

"With who?" his voice was weak, almost tearful.

"Seth, but at least I got some answers."

"I didn't…Seth wouldn’t have done this.”

“Oh, because you know him so well?” I asked rhetorically. It was obvious how well he really knew Seth.

My knees dug into my chest. His sniffle broke the silence.

"A doctor?" he asked.

"Someone else," my voice shook with my body.

"We're snowed in…"
Of course we are.

"I’m sure you know I found the gifts. I really can't handle anymore lies."

His sigh seemed louder than it was meant to. "We really are snowed in. We had to hike up the drive from the main road."

"I'm sorry, but it's hard to believe much of anything you say," I snickered.

"It seems there is a lot we need to talk about."

"I’m sure we’ve had that conversation before. It’s just too late for that. I’d prefer to stay a cluster of confusion, right now. I meant to be gone before you came back.”

“Eva…”

“I’ll let her mange my broken bones and what have you, but not…" I stopped to swallow the bile approaching my tonsils.

"Dr. Nyssa is the closest doctor."

I didn’t want to see her at all. I was tired of being forced…I thought for a minute. Could I even say that word without the stomach acid dribbling from my mouth?

“No, Mitchell. I want Mitchell to see to my injuries but...” Could I trust him? Could I trust the A-Team?

"He isn’t a doctor and what else would you need..?" his voice was stern and confused, but I didn’t care about his feelings right now. His feelings didn’t matter to me.

"You act like you don't know what's happened. You see me. You see what he’s done," I avoided saying the words.

"I want to help you," he was being gentle again; very different from the man I had come to know. “Please just tell me.”

“Why do I have to tell you anything? Why do you have to hear the words? Why do I have to come to you and be honest with you?”

“You found the quilt I left for you in the chest,” he said as if that really mattered now.

“You’re a piece of work, you know that.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“But you do see that it has happened. I don’t have to
tell
you that Seth came into my room and……” No, I wasn’t going to say it.

“Eva, please.”

"Caleb, I would like for Mitchell to tend to me. As for my other issue…," a knock at the door startled me. I shoved my face into my knees.

"It's okay. It’s all right," he whispered, his hand startling me again. I pulled away from him.

"Caleb?" her voice rattled me.

"Caroline, would you please send everyone back to their posts. I'll handle Eva's room myself." Caleb’s eyes locked with mine.

"Babe, you specifically said…" He stood and approached her at a distance.

"Where’s Seth?” he asked, keeping her far from me.

“No one’s seen him,” she answered as if it didn’t matter where he was.

“What do you mean?” his voice lowered.

“He’s gone,” Caroline, answered in her so-what fashion.

“Get out.” He pointed to the door.

“But she destroyed…”

“OUT!”

We heard the commotion muffled in my room. It was hard to miss my dinner mates’ concern. I couldn’t hear Seth.

"So you and the good Doctor… I get why you had to take off so abruptly," even I felt the twinge of jealousy in my voice. I didn't understand my jealousy of her, especially now. Maybe because it was a more memorable week for her or because she wasn’t the one cowering in the shower.

"I shouldn't have left."
At least he wasn’t denying it anymore.

"Hey, the task is complete."

"Please, I didn’t know..."

“Of course you did. I told you, begged you to keep him away from me.”

“You can’t think I knew he was capable of this. You didn’t tell me what the problem was.”

“Of course not. You are right. My fault entirely.” It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault. I should have left when I had the chance.

“Stop, that’s not what I was saying. Please just tell me what I can do?”

“I’m sure Caroline has all the answers,” I spoke in a tone hoping he understood I meant so much more by my statement.

“You want to blame her?” It wasn’t even Caroline’s fault.

I didn't answer him. I didn't answer him for some time. He still had to ask. He didn’t push the matter and sat silently with me in the low lit bathroom. I was grateful for his distance. I don't know how or if I could handle being touched again, but I wanted to be strong.

I wasn't scared to be alone with Caleb. I still wanted to trust him and even when I want to say, I told you so. What could he go off of except me telling him, “I don’t know how or why, I just know.” But it was apparent he knew about my Pulls. He should have known...

Caleb’s voice echoed against the walls catching me off guard. My ears equaled and I could finally hear normally. He hummed a melody, to my surprise, in tune, while tapping his fingers to a beat. The music comforted me. He couldn’t make up for what happened, but I accepted the white flag for the moment.

Chapter 12

Not This Way

I stared at the same flickering light on the ceiling of the clinic that flickered since my nose bleed in the still broken tubed machine. I wondered what Caroline did if not manage the clinic. I would think this qualified as managing.

“I’m sorry you have to stare at that. I plan on getting to that light today,” Mitchell said as if reading my mind.

“Drives me nuts, it’s been like that for a long time,” as long as I’ve been coming into this clinic.

Mitchell continued assessing my wounds as my body twitched involuntarily at his touch.

“Ms. Eva, I don’t want to talk out of place,” he stopped.

I didn’t realize it, but what he said next would be all I needed, to know where he stood. It was important he said something, but my opinion of him hadn’t changed.

“You’re free to speak as you please.”

He stopped at my ribs for a moment. “We have gone over everything and we…I can’t tell you how sorry I am that this happened.”

“It’s not your fault.” I watched his face carefully.

“We didn’t check on you for days…Seth’s behavior, the change of plans. We were told to give you space to learn about some things, but then he disappeared.”

“You had your orders.” I wanted to comfort him; he was breaking.

“Our loyalty,” Mitchell stood over me, tears in his eyes, “is to you. We will not let you down again.”

I placed my hand on his cheek. “You have not let me down, but I thank you for your loyalty.”

“I will do my best to make you feel better,” he smiled.

I watched him as he took great care with the smallest of wounds. He hid the disgust from his face well, but I could see the pain when he pinched his eyes near closed. With each brush against my skin, he was afraid he was hurting me. Even if he was, I welcomed his courtesy.

“Mitchell,” I felt I could be honest with him about all of my injuries. “I need to tell you something.”

“Of course.” He threw another piece of bloody gauze in the tin bowel at my feet.

“Seth didn’t just hurt me like you can see.” I wasn’t going to explain myself well. I didn’t know exactly how to say it without saying it. The word made me uncomfortable and I’m sure it would make him uncomfortable. “There will be other
internal
injuries, but I understand if you cannot treat them.”

His face fell. “Ms. Eva,” he choked. “I’m capable of treating such injuries.” He adjusted his posture to stand straighter, exuding less confidence, unfortunately.

“I ask that you be discreet.”

“Of course,” he spoke softly, sitting back in his stool.

I didn’t need to say much more before Mitchell knew. He tried to swallow his discomfort, but the small trash bin paid the price. It would need to be thrown away due to the large amount of vomit he released. Although I didn’t expect it, I knew it was coming and regretted allowing him that burden.

“If you’re uncomfortable with me…”

“We’re just checking for injuries and that’s how we’ll look at it.” I noticed his hands. “Unless, you’d prefer we ignore this and just never speak of it.” I tried to ease his internal battle.

“I’m sorry, not very professional.” He held his hands.

“It is an uncomfortable situation and he was your friend.”

“I should be comforting you, Ma’am,” he chuckled. He shook his hands loose.

After several apologies and a more specific examination, we had to work through the results together. Mitchell was a professional, but based on a horrible poker face, Seth did some damage.

They all had horrible poker faces. The walk of shame from my closet to the clinic was more difficult than any morning I woke up in the den without Caleb. I wanted to walk to the clinic on my own, limp and all, and I had every intention of keeping my eyes to the ground. I didn’t expect them to be waiting for me when I left my room, but they were there, in the hall. This walk of shame was met with stone faces standing at attention, but it was the little things I couldn’t look away from.

They all had their nervous habits, but when they stood at attention, there was little room for movement. Their faces were hard and their jaws were tense, but it was their eyes that shook me. They were filled with something different. They didn’t look like the same men I had dinner with a few days ago. They were hurting. I could only assume they felt the same as Mitchell. Guilt was a heavy burden to carry. I hoped they wouldn’t have to carry it long. Loyalty was something I could use right about now.

I was entrusting Mitchell with my body, the vessel that shouldn’t be standing but keeps holding on. I knew he and the others were from a place I couldn’t remember. Seth and Caroline came from that same place. And the man in the snow, it’s an assumption, but the links were being made. As much as I shouldn’t trust any of them, those six men never made me feel uneasy or sick. I never feared being alone with them or felt the sense of evil that I felt with Caroline or witnessed with Seth. I could trust them as much I could let myself trust anyone.

Mitchell and I discussed a plan for the next few weeks, more to get me back on my feet as quickly as possible. I didn’t want another month on my ass. I didn’t want another day where I was too weak to survive. Too many days of being helpless would surely lead me over the edge.

We avoided the most difficult part of the serious discussion. The results were grim and I needed a lot of work to get back to healthy, but it was the thing we didn’t want to talk about that scared me the most. It didn’t need to be said out loud, but I knew what could come from this.

* * * * * * *

I noticed the subtle changes in my appetite first, and the way my body adjusted to the acceptance of the addition. More so I was finding my emotions were going through a whirlwind. At first, I expected to be on a rocky road between healing and the new changes, but there were some uncommon symptoms I couldn’t discuss with Mitchell. It wasn’t really a medical thing.

It was becoming harder to hide the details of my attack from the others, as the possibility was becoming reality. It was through a direct request to Caleb that he only listens when Mitchell provided my reports. He wasn’t allowed to ask too many questions. I didn’t want Mitchell to have to lie for me. After weeks of monitoring my progress, our fears were confirmed.

“There are options,” he spoke as a doctor.

“There is one option,” I breathed through the sudden nausea I wouldn’t account directly to the baby. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot I could blame directly on the baby, but in a roundabout way, it was because of the baby.

“Ms. Eva, what would you like to do?” His face expressed his opinion even as hard as he tried to hide it.
Poker face, Mitchell. We talked about this.

“I should tell Caleb. We’ll need to prepare for an addition to the house.”

Mitchell handed me a glass of herbal tea; his relief eased my stomach.

“I know you didn’t plan on staying here and with the injuries we haven’t been able to safely take you home. This will complicate things further.”

“And we don’t know where Seth is,” I added.

“With all the construction, we will need to be careful. It’s not good for you or the baby,” he changed the subject.

“Well, my ribs have healed.”

“Yes, no risk to the child.”

“The stitches and staples are removed.” We walked down the line of Mitchell’s handy work. Caleb wasn’t as thorough in his background checks of his security if he wasn’t aware of Mitchell’s abilities.

“Yes, the infection from your leg is gone and those stitches have dissolved,” he looked over the chart.

“My hand?” I raised the hand Seth was able to break with the squeeze of his fingers. I finally lost the itchy cast.

“It’s taken some time, but we’re on the right track. Since it was reinjured so soon after it healed, we can start on therapy now, but slowly.” He did a couple of stretches with my hand.

I stopped to catch my breath. It was harder being a zombie when I needed to be okay and fine.

“Please allow me to get you something else. You’ve taken nothing for the pain.”

“And I won’t, especially now. We know for sure now.” I slid off the table and on to my feet. “Thank you for fixing that light, by the way.” I handed him the cup.

“Least I could do.”             

“Can I ask about your training as a doctor?” I straightened my clothes. I stuck to my yoga pants with a t-shirt and jacket most days. I refused to wear anything similar to the clothing I wore that night. And I didn’t foresee anyone looking at me with anything but pity.

“Military, Ma’am. Sent me back to school to finish my degree. Funny actually. I dropped out to enlist.”

“And the managing skills?”

“How do you mean?” His eyebrows scrunched in the middle of his forehead.

“The clinic is functioning. Before, I wondered if anything worked in here.” I looked around at the new layout. Things were more efficient since he started working with me in the clinic

“She’s been…”

“Don’t make excuses for her.” I held up my hand.

“Yes, Ma’am.” We created an unspoken understanding on day one. He didn’t know anything, but trusted my gut feelings from our past experiences together. They were experiences only he remembered.

“Well, this should be a pleasant conversation with Caleb.” I stood in front of the door, building up the much-needed strength I would need to get through this talk.

“I could tell him, Ma’am. You two haven’t said two words to each other since……” Mitchell stood next to me.

“I will not put that on you. And only being six weeks along, I’m more concerned about a healthy environment.”
I need to be concerned for the baby and creating a healthy environment. I’m concerned for the baby.

“I had these brought in.” He handed me a mask similar to what the painters wear. “It’s more durable and safer for you.”

“Thank you.” I smiled which happened less frequently. “I’m concerned how my Pulls…” I nearly forgot to ask, turning away from the door.

“The team will monitor you closely. They come on randomly, but luckily you’ve gotten used to the symptoms again.”

“Can’t mistake those. They will be told today? And we can trust them?” I didn’t have to ask. There was more trust between the small group of us than in the entire house. The only concern I had was their previous living quarters, and how they were going to handle the news.

“I’ve known the lot of them for many years, and Seth and Caroline only a short while. We’re with you through and through.”

We parted ways to our destinations. Mitchell called his usual meeting of the day for updates on my condition and Thomas brought any changes Caleb was enforcing. I headed through the house not sure, where Caleb would be, but given the time, I decided to try the dining room first.

As much as I avoided Caleb, I avoided Caroline more. I had no use for her and because Caleb chose to keep her around, I hadn’t much use for him either. And this was our problem. He knew what I could do. I wasn’t being protected for my good looks. He knew and he ignored my state of mind. He ignored my gut feelings and unexplained requests.

I walked into the dining room where Caleb and Caroline were talking about more plans for the renovations and redecorating.

It all started with my room. I refused to live in it any longer and as all the guest rooms were taken by our security detail, I moved into the Library. It took a few days to clean up, but has kept me busy and given me a sense of peace.

Caleb, of course, fought the move so far from him, but the discussion was dropped when his six, now beefier security detail, fixed the room up while I spent the first week in the clinic. Since my attack, some of the guys took to a workout regimen to work through their anger issues.

I took two things from my old room, the oak chest and the quilt. The quilt hasn’t left my side since I pulled it from the chest. I had to wash the blood from it, but it still carried the memory of Chayton.

I decided to keep to myself the new information I’d learned of Chayton. Mitchell was my new go to guy and I hadn’t asked about him yet. I wanted to enjoy the beautiful memory of him as it was.

Caroline and Caleb stopped eating and pressed pause on the renovation talk to include me at the table.

“Eva.” Caleb stood quickly, smiling, and assisted me in a chair.

“Breakfast?” Bernard asked with light in his eyes. For weeks, I only allowed Jake or Thomas to prepare my meals, more so I didn’t have to see anyone.

“Please, join us.” Caroline smiled awkwardly. She was a stone.

She was the only person in the house that didn’t believe Seth was capable of the damage done in my old room. She assumed it was another ploy to get Caleb’s attention because he left me to be with her. She, however, could not explain Seth’s disappearance.

“Why not, something filling...Oatmeal, perhaps?” I noticed the stares. Bacon was my preferred breakfast choice, but I needed to eat better.

“Right away.” Bernard prepared my food.

“What brings you down today?” Caroline wasted little time.