Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (16 page)

I think I stopped breathing again.

Even weeks after. It was the same dream, Seth and I holding our baby. He was a kind man, loving father, gentle to me. I stopped hating him in that moment. Then I was losing our baby and all I could see was his face and felt pity.

"I'm sorry." His eyes weakened in front of me.

Then I would wake up screaming because I knew my baby was gone and then I would see and remember that Jake was dead.
Cruel fucking dreams.

I was nearly removed from myself when the doorknob turned. The erratic agony for allowing myself to feel sorry for him made me hate myself more. I was broken all over again.

“Please, come back later.”

I sat on my couch, knees pinned up against my chest. My tears followed the dried up river along my cheeks dampening my blanket. I sat in front of the fire for the first time since I woke up lost, confused and without much of a past to remember and wished for much of the unspeakable.

“Just checking on you.” Coat stood in the doorway. He closed the door darkening my room to only the glow of the flames.

Tonight was a different feeling. I was lost and confused for a whole other reason. I was filled with muddy memories, ones I wished I couldn't remember, and others I regretted having because of the person I was becoming and what that was doing to the people I was growing to care for.

I hated myself for not being able to see what was coming when I wanted to. If not for me, why couldn’t I have seen enough to save Jake? Did he really need to die? He was just a kid, and Seth killed him to get to me.

I swallowed hard. Swallowing was difficult.

Seth managed to get away. If I wasn’t spending my whole day hating myself, I would be spending my entire day hating him. Oh, I hated him but I hated myself more.

It’s my fault Jake’s dead.

I begged the rest of them to go home and live their lives. I tried to leave and remove myself from the equation, but Caleb wanted me here.

“You can’t leave.” Caleb stood between the door and me.

“Get out of my way.” I forced myself towards him, the door.

“NO!” He shoved me away from him, away from the door.

“MOVE!” I yelled.

My guys kept their distance. This was between Caleb and me.

“It’s not going to happen.” He stood his ground.

“You would all be safer without me here.”

“You don’t see any of us running.”

“Well, you should be. Just let me go. If no one knows where I am…”

“We’d all be worried sick.”

“But safe. Now, let me go.” I pushed again.

“Never.” This time he didn’t let go of me. “I will never let you go again,” he whispered.

He didn’t let go of me for a long time.

I walked to my oak chest and pulled out the notepad and pen. If only to warn him, I had to tell Chayton about Seth. Seth could try to return to the Colony, if he hasn’t already. Chayton may be in danger.

Me: I lost the baby. As happy as I should be, given the circumstances, I am a mess. It’s been a few weeks and I still feel like I’ve lost myself.  Seth broke into the mansion and killed our dear Jake to get to me. If he returns to the Colony, be careful. I fear he is unstable. Stay safe.

Before I could put the notepad back in the chest, the movements of the invisible hand scribbled on the paper. The butterfly explosion occurring in my stomach eased my trying heart, briefly. Of many capsizing emotions, his words tugged at the most vulnerable; the most sacred.

Chayton: Jake…

Me: Yes, and it is my fault. I’m unbelievably sorry. Jake was…

Chayton: Indescribable. That was our Jake…You shouldn’t apologize. I will tell you again, none of this is your fault.

Me: He was trying to protect me from that psychotic son of a bitch and he died in doing so.

Chayton: He
is
was a great soldier…You lost the baby. I’m so sorry my dear, Eva.

Me: A miscarriage, the same night. And this should be good news, but I accepted this child…I was making plans. Given our situation, I wasn’t sure if I could ask you to raise him as your own……I didn’t know if you still wanted me…

Chayton: Stop. Please. Never think that my love for you could or would change. I will always want you and we will be together again.

Me: We’re not broken? Only thing I have is the day in the wheat fields…but somehow that’s enough for me.

Chayton: Never broken, My Love. And if we only had one day to live on repeat, it is a magical day to have.

Me: Is it possible to miss a man you’ve never met?

Chayton: Your memories will come back to you. We will find another way.

Me: I hope so. The others, they insist on staying to protect me.

Chayton: They care for you deeply, as do I.

Me: They want to keep me from the Colony.

Chayton: Good, you should not come here. You’re safer away from here.

Me: I haven’t been safe so far.

Chayton: I should have come for you. I will come for you.

Me: It could have been you and then where would I be…You’re safer where you are.

Chayton: I cannot just stand by and wait to lose you completely.

Me: You had a plan…we just have to work around a few things.

Chayton: But you are suffering. You have been hurt. You were supposed to be safe and my trust in him allowed all of this.

Me: It’s not his fault.

I placed the notepad back in the oak chest before reading his response. The way he wrote his words said more about how he was feeling, making another go at sleep nonexistent. My mind played a battle with the possibility that I’d never get to see Chayton outside the wonderland.

My stomach knotted.

I grabbed the picture from its hiding place and brought it back into bed with me. I stared at the three of us. I wondered if I could see myself in this moment when I was a child. Did I have the ability then to see what has gone so terribly wrong now?

It was obscure, but being held up in my ivory tower wasn’t getting me closer to a life with Chayton. It wasn’t much of a life at all. I could continue to make things harder for everyone or find a solution. If I was going to crumble, everyone was going to get a piece of me.

Chayton was at the Colony, unable to leave. Whatever his plan was, he believed staying with Caleb was for the best, that I would be safer with him. Chayton chose him. Caleb took on this, me, as a way to redeem himself.

My eyes weakened from the strain of staring at the picture for so long. I drifted to sleep and there it was the answer to all. It was in the pictures all along, now, to convince Caleb that we needed this.

I needed this.

The next morning started no differently than most. I showered and dressed comfortably but appropriately. Breakfast was waiting for me on the bed, eggs and bacon. I hadn’t touched oatmeal or a vegetable in weeks.

Pint stood from his post next to my door, still healing from the several knife wounds he took during Seth’s attack. Mitchell insisted he rest, Pint insisted he work.

“Ms. Eva, can I get you anything?” Pint’s surprise to see me showed in the way he nearly stumbled from his chair to stand, and the way he stuttered.

It was the first I’d left my room since we buried Jake next to the Gazebo. Later that night I tried to leave the mansion, leave them. Caleb carried me to my room after I fell asleep in his arms near the front door. I held onto that comfort by never leaving my room. It was the glue that held me together; it kept me from jumping out of my window.

“Actually yes, I was hoping you could tell me where everyone might be right now.”

“It’s the middle of the day.” He looked at his wrist, a black band just barely held the clock in place. “They would be in the common room or in the office for a debriefing.”

“Debriefing?” Things were quiet, maybe too quiet, around here.

“Mr. Leon has removed Ms. Caroline.”

“When?”
And why?

“Two nights ago. After a few discussions, he decided to add Mitchell to the Clinic roster and make us permanent members of the household, if we chose to stay.”

“Permanent? Like you would never go back to the Colony? What brought all of this on?” I was curious. Now after everything he decided to get rid of her.

“Honestly, Ma’am, it doesn’t make much sense to us.” I watched as he struggled on his feet. My hands inched forward, but my urge to hold him up jumped in the ocean. He was a strong soldier; I wouldn’t take that away from him. “But yes, we were offered a home here. We wouldn’t have to go back.”

“I see, and how are you feeling?” I asked, not sure, I was ready to know if they wanted to be here on a more permanent basis.

“I’m okay. And you?” Walking out of my live-in coffin to be greeted by Pint made me more aware of my selfishness.

“We’ll all be okay.” I smiled as if understanding more about the word okay.

Pint led me downstairs, passed the empty common room, and headed to the offices. I held Pint back before announcing our arrival. I watched discreetly through the glass of the office as Caleb carried on with his meeting. Another overwhelming reminder of my selfishness sat in the room on the other side of the glass, intensely listening to Caleb. My guards, my friends, continued protecting me even as they mourned one of their own. I didn’t have the years of closeness as they had with Jake, but it wasn’t fair that I hide and they suffer in the open.

Chapter 16

Without Knowing

Coat stood, noticing me at the window. The rest of the men stood as Thomas ushered us in, and helped us to two of a few empty seats. After insisting I didn’t need anything, Caleb wanted to share the news that Caroline and the entire staff had been dismissed. As much as I wanted to question his motives, I allowed him to speak without interruption.

“We have replacements for the staff coming soon, but I thought an empty house would allow us a little breathing room.”

“Did we find out how Seth got the picture?” Joss spoke with a slight hesitation. I hadn’t thought of the how.

“That’s why we’ve dismissed the staff,” Caleb was dancing around the question. They all seemed to be dancing around me.

“What’s the plan?” Thomas asked.

“New protocols, new staff, clean slate,” Caleb said.

“No offense, but Seth and whomever he was working with knows she’s here.” Joss had taken on a few of Jake’s traits.

“It’s a good place to be, we just need to make it safer,” Coat said.

“It’s not a good place, not anymore. We were played and people got hurt and people died.” Joss was a hot head, but everyone was upset.

The room went still. The little trust they earned during confessions completely diminished. I couldn’t blame them. Who knew how they functioned while I was hiding under a rock. Not much conversation to be had since the fog was still thick with the lack of confidence in the other.

“What did you have in mind?” Thomas asked.

“We can manage the house without a staff. They could be more trouble and we’ve done fine so far,” Joss said.

“I’m still making the decisions here,” Caleb spoke up.

“And look where your leadership has gotten us. Jake. Eva. You’re not scoring very high if we’re looking at past performances.” Joss stood from his chair.

“You want to blame someone; look at your fellow Colony members. They started this whole mess.” Caleb inched closer.

“You welcomed them in with open arms. Ever do background checks on the people you let walk in here?” Joss continued.

“She wouldn’t be suffering if it weren’t for your people,” Caleb raised his voice.

Mitchell and Thomas stood between them, as my patience grew thin. I needed to stop being a bystander.

“Are you two done?” I asked, standing up from my chair.

Joss stepped back, his face apologetic. Caleb hesitated, but his dark circled eyes dropped, the line between his brows disappearing.

“Well, now that we’ve compared sizes, I would like to make a suggestion.” I replaced Caleb at the front the room.

It didn’t need to be said that they, too, in fact, were Colony members that he allowed into our home. It didn’t need to be said that without the help of the others, we wouldn’t have them, but then we wouldn’t be without Jake.

“Go ahead, Ms. Eva,” Coat spoke. His English was progressing well. Joss wasn’t the most patient teacher, but after Jake, Joss was the only one to continue his studies.

“Caleb, you have family that can help us. I have a feeling they are part of Chayton’s plan.” I pulled the picture I had taken from Caleb’s room from my back pocket and slapped it on the table.

“Where the hell did you get this?” He was standing nose to nose with me, the crease between his eyebrows reappeared, his lips pressed in a line, teeth grinding behind them.

“Back off!” Pint yelled, struggling to his feet, the men followed suit.

Caleb eased back, as did the others. “She has no right to that.” His pointed to the picture, his hand shaking uncontrollably.

“Looks like she does.” Thomas looked at the people in the photograph closely.

Coat, Pint, Mitchell, and Joss took turns handling the photo. They looked from the picture to me, and then to Caleb, and returned their focus on the picture. They seated themselves; the assessment of the picture didn’t stop when they passed the picture on.

“Honestly, I don’t care about your excuse for hiding this. I’m sure your reasons were dismissed with the rest of the staff. But what I need to know is if you told her or Seth about your family.”

“No.” The sound of his tapping foot muffled in the carpet.

“Caleb, do they know where to find them?” I clarified.

“No, and even if they had an inkling, they’d never be able to find them,” he said, trying to ease my mind.

“What do you mean?” If he didn’t want my guys to know, he wouldn’t answer.

“They have gifts of their own.” He smiled that kind of all knowing smile of arrogance. 

“You mean like the ones I have, like I had?” I rubbed my stomach, the first since the morning after.

Then his smile was gone.

“Yes, and more…Much more.” He rubbed his fingers across his lips growing more nervous as I ousted his world.

“Why haven’t you asked for their help before?” Coat asked.

“Family stuff.” I looked at him.

“Yes.” A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth.

“Which is why Chayton offered to give this to you, as a way to…please the family?” I was careful with my words.

He eyed me curiously. “Pull?”

“Nope just finally hearing some truth for a change.”

He stared at the picture and then me. He smiled brightly as if remembering something unshattered, unbroken, unforgettable.

“My redemption, if I can prove myself I can earn my place again.” He sat in the chair. There was no hesitation. He wasn’t thinking through his words before he spoke.

“And your… family would be restored.” My hands leaned on the table.

“You said you didn’t believe me.” Tiny pools filled his eyes as he gazed up at me.

“We’re even.” I smiled.

“So, Chayton and Caleb?” Coat said.

“I wish we had time to sort through the family drama, but we’re weeks behind. Now, I don’t think Seth was the reason Chayton needed me to leave the Colony, but he is one of the reasons we need to leave here,” I said.

“You mean move?” Coat asked.

“We can’t be here, simply knowing that Seth and Caroline could come back. I would normally say let’s keep fighting, but I don’t know what their end game is, and until we know we need a little more fire power.”

“You can’t think Caroline is the big threat at the Colony,” Caleb laughed through his words.

“No, but whatever she was doing here before I arrived wasn’t to win your heart,” I was brutal. I had to be, but she won his heart, which made it all that much more difficult.

“Where are we going to go?” Joss finally calmed himself. He hated Caleb.

“I wish you would all just go back home, but since that isn’t an option you’ll have to come with us to Caleb’s family home.”

“Who says they’ll allow us? If Mr. Chayton was trying to protect you from the Colony, they may think…,” Thomas stated the obvious.

“My thoughts as well.” Caleb interrupted. “As I said, they have gifts.”

“Mr. Leon?” Pint stood. It was a swift reminder of the seriousness of the situation.

“Yes.” Caleb’s face twitched at the sight of Pint’s less than usual model stance. His small stature was obvious in this state. His old personality always made him seem bigger.

“When do we leave?” Pint asked.

“The sooner, the better,” I said.

“Do I have a say?” Caleb raised his hand as if needing to say he put up a fight.

“Sure, but let me remind you, this is as much for you as it is for us.” Mitchell was a clever one.

Caleb smiled again. He had his excuse to stop fighting.

“Great, we’ll pack light and prepare. We’ll need to give it some more time for Pint……”

“I appreciate that you want to hang back for me, but I agree, the sooner, the better.” He stood, removing his sling.

I was in awe of Pint. During my hibernation, he was the opposite, forcing an early recovery. Even as he was still healing, he didn’t want the pity party, he didn’t want the fuss. And most of all, he didn’t blame me. The strength in his loyalty had been tested.

“Thank you for what you did.” I stood over Pint’s bed.

He slid his hand towards mine. The tips of his fingers met the tips of mine.

“Ms. Eva,” his words were just above a whisper. “They told me about the baby.”

“I came to see you, not to talk about me.”

“We weren’t where we were supposed to be.” Two faces would haunt me for the rest of my life. The look on Pint’s, in this moment, would be the dagger to end me.

“You will not blame yourself,” I choked.

“There was something off about the call. Jake knew it first…” The darkness in his eyes spilled the pain of remembering.

“The person at fault is Seth. You didn’t do this to yourself, to…” I swallowed hard.

“He was our brother…”

“Yes…” I couldn’t say anything to contrary.

“Jake was my brother.” The tears were an endless flow out of the corner of his eyes. My reserve was gone. My hands held his as he held mine.

“Yes…”

His grip tightened. “Jake. Was. My. Brother.”

The strength in his loyalty for the Colony had been tested.

Caleb walked us through the path we would have to take to find his family, and conveniently included a few of the difficulties we would have, as it would require passing through the Colony’s land. He was scarce with the details following the passage through their land.

Trust would be our downfall.

After realizing this venture would require a bit of a hike to get to where we needed to go, Thomas and Coat volunteered to carry Pint when it was needed. He opted to walk.

“We can drive most of the way, but there is a checkpoint through a pass at end of the Colony.”

“And if we start walking before the checkpoint?” I asked.

“It’s a three day hike if we can make it passed. If we start walking before the checkpoint, we are looking at a four day walk even before we hike,” Caleb explained.

“We are on assignment, but we still have clearance,” Thomas offered.

Talks of checkpoints and clearance made this place seem less like a home and more like a military base. As we worked through the plans, things seemed nearly flawless. We decided it was best we pack and reassemble for dinner. It was too late to get a start today, but we could gather supplies and leave at first light.

I stood in my room half regretting that I couldn’t take the oak chest with me. I knew it was impossible for it to accompany us, but I wouldn’t allow it to be left out in the open. After emptying the quilt, notepad, and pen into my bag, I dragged the chest into the closet built behind the bookshelves. If you didn’t know it was there, it was a nice hiding place.

I placed a few shirts and jeans in my bag as well the essentials for a hike. I didn’t know much about hiking, and the guys would be well prepared, but a first aid kit and box of matches couldn’t hurt. I didn’t have access to much else.

I sat on my bed and watched the waves crashing against the cliffs, the sun shining brightly in the distance. The beautiful waves and bright sun were always a constant, a vision of hope. It was the kind of hope that couldn’t be unhappy or shattered forever. I would meet my love again, and I would remember who I am.

Knock Knock

“Come in,” I called out.

The door opened slowly, Caleb stepping inside. “Do you have a minute?”

“Done already?” I asked.

“No, but I wanted to come by for a minute.” He stood at the foot of my bed, leaving the beauty of the view open.

“Everything okay?” His face twitched as he played with his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out.

“Caleb.” I didn’t need to hear this right now. I needed to be okay. This would not make me okay.

“I just needed you to know how sorry I was, for my part in all of this.”

“You should finish packing.” I hadn’t forgiven him, but this wasn’t for me. Apologizes were never for the person wronged. They were for the person who was in the wrong, to make them feel better by transferring their guilt.

“I also wanted to thank you for believing me and finding a way to fix all of this.”

“Caleb, none of this will ever be fixed, not completely. We’re all scarred up from healed wounds, but the scars are there.” I stared at my beautiful view.

“I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that. If this can’t be fixed,” he pointed at himself and then me repeatedly. “Then I have no purpose, nothing to keep living for.” He was visibly upset, an odd panic pulled around his face.

“
We
shouldn’t be your worries right now.”

“We are all I worry about. Everything comes back to us. We are the center of everything in my world and I can’t believe I forgot that for even a moment.”

I wish I could say his words were falling on deaf ears. I wish I could say that what he was saying wasn’t twisting my insides around in a tangled web. I wish I could I say he wasn’t getting to me.