Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1) (5 page)

              I already had it decided that if I was going to dream normal again, then he needed to go. The only reason he was brought here was to fix me. If I was fixed, he didn’t have a reason to stay. The plan was to push myself harder than what he had in mind, because otherwise, I would be dead at his pace before I could sleep normally again.

              I was probably pushing myself a little harder than I should have, leading to a much longer sleep than I wanted. It was the same dream playing on repeat every night, growing with more intensity; the brown wet dress…his hand broken at my bare feet…the black puddle of snow under me…behind me…my screams. It wasn’t letting up.

              And if that wasn’t annoying enough, Dr. Nyssa managed to find her way down to the gym during the first week of my therapy sessions. It wasn’t to be helpful, but to glance at Mr. No-Shirt. I wasn’t sure if it was a requirement to take off one’s shirt within the first two minutes of a workout, but he always managed to strip the shirt near the door.

              After the first seven days with Seth, Caleb insisted on some tests with the good doctor to see where I was physically. I protested the initial testing long enough to get my wrist out of the support wrap. I’m sure it would have taken longer had I not been secretly doing exercises while locked away in my cozy dungeon.

              At the first sign of improvement, I tried my best to send Seth on his merry way.

              “Caleb, I don’t need him. I can do this on my own,” I spoke quietly, hoping Dr. Nyssa couldn’t hear me.

              “Until you’re out of that boot and can walk without help of any kind, he stays.” Caleb wasn’t even looking at me.

              “Please, just…I’m asking you…begging you to let me do this without him.”

              “Is there some problem you need to tell me about?” He stopped what he was doing to look at me, his face soften.

              I thought carefully before answering him. There’s clearly a problem between Dr. Love Bug and myself, but she’s still here. I’m not sure a problem I can’t really explain without sounding like a crazy person would mean Seth’s termination.

              The nightmares, these things when we touched, there had to be more to them. Warnings, maybe? Seth was bad news, plain and simple. If I ever needed something to smack me in the face, this would be the best way to do that.

              It was hard to know what to think when Seth was a perfect gentleman to my face. Aside from always needing to touch me, he did nothing to me to make me not like him, except having Dr. Nyssa as a friend. I almost regretted trying to get him fired. But the longer he was here, the longer things were awry. The longer he was here, the darker the pit in my eyes grew.

              “I…can’t…”

              “He’s here until you’re moving on your own.” He left me without further discussion.

              I was tired.

              It was wishful thinking to believe I would just fall into bed and sleep well as exhausted as I was. It was the same dream every night on repeat and yet, I woke up at all different times. I slept six hours one night, four hours another. Then there were the nightmare fests that lasted fourteen and even sixteen hours. But I felt like I didn’t sleep at all.

              I didn’t have my parents to console me. I didn’t even have Caleb to ease me back to reality. I should just be grateful that my drenched sheets were replaced before I returned the next night. And if they thought I was peeing the bed, they were kind enough not to say anything.

              With my inability to control when my waking hours would be, I continued to use the odd hours to do some workouts without Seth. I took advantage of the pool no one was using and I chose to swim for what looked like leisure time; fewer questions were asked. I was down to a meal a day, which helped avoid any extra contact with Dr. Nyssa and Caleb.

              A few more days passed, and I managed to avoid Caleb all together. The one meal I did have was planned according to his schedule, and I specifically ate outside in the gazebo, where I knew he wouldn’t look for me. It was easier to hide in plain sight.

              Day fourteen came and Dr. Nyssa tracked me down in the pool for tests. She started walking on pins and needles around me after our little disagreement at breakfast. I tried to forget about the knife, but my guilt wouldn’t allow that thought to be absent. I still couldn’t remember grabbing it.

              We said very little to each other but managed to complete the tests without too many cold glares.

              “Stay here, Caleb will want to review these before you leave.”

              “I’m sure you’ll talk about me, instead of to me, so there really isn’t any need for me to wait. If you need me, I’ll be back in the pool,” I said and left.

              I was still using crutches but I was out of my boot. It wasn’t twenty minutes that I was back in the pool before I heard him stomp through the workout room.

              “EVA!” he yelled.

              “WHAT!” I wiped the water from my eyes.

              “She asked you to wait for me and you just leave?” He stood at the edge of the pool.

              “It’s not like you tell me any of the results anyways.”

              “Are you trying to avoid me?” He had this way he cocked his head that spoke volumes to his annoyance. He didn’t have to do anything with his face, although today the look he was giving me, raised it to a whole new level.

              “I’ve been happier since.” I smiled heading back to my pool exercises.

              A large splash in the pool sent waves through my steady movements. He tugged at my legs causing a loss of pace. The pain was unnerving. I was pushing too hard.

              “What the hell is your problem?!” I coughed from the inhale of water I took in due to the surprise Jaws attack.

              “What the hell is going on with you?” He pulled me towards him. I could see Seth and Dr. Nyssa out of the corner of my eye watching the display from the entrance.

              “I’m trying to relax here.” His hands tightened around the weakened muscles in my arms. The feel of flesh on flesh without the disturbing rinse and repeat cycle of broke wrists and fingers made my hands clammy...in the pool.

              “If you’re trying to prove something here, you’ve done it. Now stop!”

              “I’m just swimming along, minding my own business, staying out of trouble.” I smiled.

              “You’re avoiding me,” his voice was quieter. He actually looked hurt.

              He was still fully clothed in a dress shirt and slacks, soaked. His gelled hair unshaping as the water dripped down his face, couldn’t hide his hurt. It was unfair to him. He didn’t deserve what I was putting him through. Even if he was leaving a whole world of knowledge tucked away in a locked box, buried in a graveyard. He didn’t deserve how shitty I was being to him.

              There was no way of explaining what was going on with me, not without him thinking I was nuts. I couldn’t explain to him the mental pain I was feeling around Seth. It would only raise more questions, or require psychiatric treatment.

              If he knew about these…connections, he would have said something by now. He would have known the signs. He’s not cruel and I don’t hide things very well. No, he didn’t know and I didn’t have the answers. Hell, he couldn’t give me the easy answers and this was bigger.

              “I’m sure your days are drama free, you’re off babysitting duties. Go about your business,” I played it cool.

              “I wish you’d just talk to me,” he spoke in an even lower voice.

              “Back at you.” I struggled out of his grip. “We should do this again sometime.” I swam away.

              It was difficult not understanding how easy it was to be so unlike myself, but easier and scary when I stopped fighting it.

              I wasn’t this person. I didn’t disobey or disrespect. I didn’t snap or cause scenes. I wasn’t disruptive. I didn’t avoid people or make them feel less than themselves. I enjoyed the company of people. I was a happy child. I enjoyed my own smile, my old reflection.

              It was week three and I was moving around the gym without Seth’s direction. The routine really hadn’t changed and it was easier to dodge the small talk when I was unconsciously humming to myself in rhythm to the machines.

              Since the spectacle with Caleb in the pool, Seth became a nosy worm. If he wasn’t asking about my relationship with Caleb and if we patched things up, he was being very obvious when trying to see if I was interested in him. There were a few times he tried to talk to me about Dr. Nyssa. Those conversations usually ended our sessions.

              Without my boot holding me back, my strength returned slowly. The amount of time I spent in the gym made for a nice workday. I arrived before Seth to start my shift and stayed long after to get in the overtime. Pool time was relaxing, but still a needed workout, physically and mentally.

              Therapeutic Reflecting was a personal requirement for my own sanity. I found my long hours in the Olympic sized pool to be often the hardest workout of the day. I’d like to think the quiet made it easier to think, but in fact, with the soundless echoes bouncing off of the glass walls, it was much harder.

              Even the staff moved through the house quietly; I barely caught glimpses of them. After another brief nod and scatter of the maid replacing the towels, I realized the loneliness was getting to me.

              Just as the sentimental replay had ended of all of my regrets, the missteps, and how I pushed Caleb away, the large splash at the opposite end of the pool reminded me of the very reason I removed myself from human contact.

              “Eva, I see you’ve taken a break from the gym,” Seth yelled. As if he didn’t know I was still in the pool.

              “Seth, you’ve decide to go for a swim. Looks like you’ll have the pool to yourself,” I yelled at the water.

              I swam towards the steps in the middle of the pool. His hands crept up my leg, intense blackness swept through my vision.

              “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Are you done already?” his twang disappeared.

              “Actually, I’m a little hungry. I should probably eat something.” I cringed as he gripped my hips and guided my behind out of the pool.

              The large gap between the edge of the pool and where my crutches leaned against the bench crawled with frozen fingers.

              “So sorry to see you go. Maybe tomorrow we can do our physical therapy in here.” He began his laps.

              I wrapped the towel around me and adjusted the crutches under my arms. As much as they were needed to prevent me from falling, I was convinced they’d find me with my head cracked open somewhere near the pool.

              I caught Seth’s motionless glide through the water. The smoothness from end to end, the fluidity in his turns, he was a pro. Knowing I was watching, he paused in the middle of the pool.

              “Eva, would you like to come back in?” he asked.

              I fought the urge to join him, to learn from him. He spoke with sincerity and yet, every fiber of my being screamed for me to run.

              “Eva.” I turned my head at sound of my name. I nearly kissed her when she poked her ugly little head through the door.

              “Dr. Nyssa, how can I help you today?” I smiled.

              “Tests?” she asked almost with a little kindness.

              “Sure. Would you mind if I showered first?” I knew I would be in the clinic for a few hours. I wouldn’t get a chance to shower until bedtime.

              “Just meet me up there.”

              After my semi-quick shower, I dressed in clean yoga pants and a t-shirt and headed up to the clinic.

Chapter 5

Falsehood

The clinic was becoming all too familiar and the tests were becoming very repetitive. I watched for the same light to blink in and out again.
And go.
On cue as usual.

The flickering weakened during my visits, I half expected it to be dead or replaced by my next visit. I liked to think it was like me; always had that little bit of energy to keep going, regardless of the day it was having.

“Dr. Nyssa, how are things looking so far?” Caleb entered the room. We avoided glances.

“Surprisingly well, I’m a little concerned with her weight loss, but it looks like her wrist is at 100%. Her leg still needs some work. It seems the physical therapy is helping with most of her physical issues.” She clicked her pen.

After our last encounter in the pool, I wasn’t eating like I should. Seeing his face, hearing his sadness, it was more upsetting than I realized. The single meal a day I managed before, didn’t sit with well with me anymore.

My only meal consisted of a conversation with Bernard and he was a pleasant conversation, but even that was short. He had work he was expected to do. I couldn’t keep him from that. After he left me to eat in peace, I couldn’t manage another bite.

“How much has she…you dropped, Eva?” he directed his question to me.

I shrugged my shoulders unaware of the actual number. Dr. Nyssa ended the prolonged attempt, to do whatever he was trying to do, and answered for me.

“She’s down to 102, nearly 40 pounds in three weeks.”

“Eva, maybe you’re pushing it a little too hard.” Caleb’s worried tone knocked the wind out of me.

I avoided egging on any arguments. I didn’t have the strength mentally or physically to go another round with him. Avoidance had to be tattooed somewhere in my ear.

“Sure, so what next?” I asked the good doctor. I was spent. Last night was a record, only three hours of terror.

Dr. Nyssa was almost surprised. “Well, I can talk to Seth about changing your routine.”

“Sounds good.” I threw up two thumbs and a smile.

“And I’ll talk to the Chef about your meals, maybe if we get back on a schedule, we can manage your weight,” Caleb added.

“Great.” Even my smile felt exhausted.

“Eva, if you’re tired, we can discuss this tomorrow,” he offered. “I can help you to your room. Maybe a few days of R and R will do you some good.”

“If you think that’s best.” This was it. I was losing it.

My slow movements warranted Caleb’s kindness. I really didn’t deserve him.

“Let me help you.” Caleb tucked his arm under my legs and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Dr. Nyssa’s face showed disapproval, but she kept it to herself, poorly. We left the clinic and Dr. Nyssa to continue her work.

“You have dropped some weight. You’re practically back down to the weight you were when you came to live here.” He frowned.

“How much was that?”

“About 90 or so. Just a wee thing.” He physically shuddered, vibrating against me.

“I haven’t lived here long, have I?” I rested my head on his shoulder.

He sighed. “No, you haven’t. I hope you’ll stay, though. It was nice before,” he said with regret.

“What happened?” I asked drifting in and out of sleep.

“I wasn’t there to protect you. I promised I would be there for you and I let you down,” he tucked me into bed. I reached up to caress his face but he stopped me.

“I’m sure you did everything you could.”

“It wasn’t enough. Now go to sleep.”

He was gentle as he tucked me in with the sheet prepped on the bed. The nights ended with screams and drenched sheets. I didn’t need anything more than a thin layer.

He turned to leave. My stronger hand snapped out before I could talk myself out of the very possible thing that would break me for the rest of my life if I was rejected. I relived a world of darkness daily and it was the possibility of rejection that might break me.

“If I asked you to stay with me tonight…”

He stood facing the door, my hand on his wrist. I smelled clean with a hint of chlorine, but I could take another shower and my fresh sheets were inviting, but that wasn’t what he was contemplating. He said nothing as his head lowered.

The air in my lungs were in short supply. I had no choice but to remove my hand from his arm. I rolled over wrapping myself tighter with the white sheet. I held in the tears until I heard the door click closed.

Before an embarrassing sob escaped my mouth, the heated bare skin and smell of strawberries slipped under the sheet and wrapped around me. His breath against my ear weakened my knees.

“Sleep.”

I closed my eyes.

“Eva, come on. Wake up.” He forced my eyes open.

“Sleep?” I mumbled.

The darkness faded as Caleb face came into focus. Relief.

“You weren’t sleeping.” His fine figure straddled my legs. This was a better dream; much better dream.

He was breathing in a panic; a slight wetness glistened off his moving abdomen. I counted the ripples perfectly sculpted on his stomach. Four…Five…Six…a slight hint of a seventh and eighth bump pulled my attention as my hand eased up to touch him.

“Eva?” He placed his hand on my mine. He didn’t remove it or guide it, he was just feeling my hand feeling his stomach.

His breathing was differently paced than before. I braced myself on my elbow and moved my hand up to his chest. The pounding against my palm forced my fingers to tighten against his peck.

“Eva,” he breathed out.

I slid my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face down to mine. The strength in his form did not battle me. He held himself up, his hands on either side of my head as I held his gaze.

“Mmmm, strawberries.” The grin peering over his face wiggled in his ears.

I played with my lips, a small nibble, as I slid my hand into his hair. I bucked my thighs into him, sending the most obvious hint that he, luckily, understood. The little effort needed to move his legs between mine hardly registered in his muscular shoulders.

He whispered my name again as I wrapped my legs around his lower torso. The tension in his shoulders eased as he shifted his lower half slightly until our bodies fit perfectly together.

“You stayed.” I spoke only now realizing I was in complete control. I wasn’t allowed to be in control in those dreams that were not dreams. This was……not a dream.

“You asked.” He smiled. I moved his hand to my hip, the movement between my legs raised my awareness another level.

“Your heart is racing.” I could feel it in my chest, or was that my heart?

“And yours isn’t?” He was just as nervous as I was.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I continued to smile, but my cool composure was about to spiral out of itself. My eyelids grew heavy.
Not the best time to fall asleep.

His smile weakened. “You weren’t sleeping well. You should sleep.”

“And miss the end of the greatest movie of all time?” I giggled.

“I missed you.” His face was serious. He arched his back until his head was on my chest. “Sleep.” He wrapped his arms around me.

I ran my hands through his hair and drifted back to sleep.

“Eva! Please wake up.” My eyes opened slightly to his hands wrapped around my face. The concern in his eyes saddened me. I didn’t like to see him so sad.

I raised my lips to his. I was in control again…and kissing Caleb. The smoothness of his lips relaxed my balled fists as the tension in his hands on my face lessened with our gentle kiss.

He was the first to pull away; his eyes still pinched shut. The sky was still dark but the moonlight highlighted the looming satisfaction on his face.

“Are you okay?” He slowly opened his eyes.

“I am. Are you okay?” I was bewitched by him.

“You weren’t sleeping again.”

“I’ve kept you up, haven’t I?” I shouldn’t have asked him to say.

“How long has this been going on?” He wiped the wetness from my face.

“Too long; I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”

“You’re shaking like a leaf. Does this happen every night?” He wiped my face again. It was then that I realized tears were still pouring from my eyes.

“Same one, but I’m fine, really. I overstepped when I asked you to stay. I’m sorry.” I sat up. Caleb shifted next to me.

“Your clothes are soaked,” his voice cracked.

“I forgot to change before bed. It’s just I get really hot at night.” I hope he didn’t think it was from anything else but sweating, still it was embarrassing.

“I can grab something from the closet.” He stood from the bed without giving me a chance to respond and returned with a thin t-shirt, pair of shorts, and new set of sheets for the bed.

He really could be a gentleman when I needed him to be. He stood facing the view of the cove, his arms folded across his chest. Every part of my body ached making me move much slower than I wanted to. I still needed to sit on the couch to dress.

“The kitchen mentioned you haven’t really been eating, which explains the weight loss. Seth informed me that you’ve been late or just haven’t shown up for your therapy sessions. Is this why you’ve been so distant?” he asked.

“One of the reasons.”

“Since she’s been back, I’ve been different, I know. I didn’t mean to make it impossible for you to come to me,” I could hear the guilt in his voice.

“I don’t know what’s different and what’s normal. Everything is out of place for me. I just know this is not how I was dreaming a month ago. I’ve been managing just fine and I can’t run to you with everything.”

“There’s been a lot of changes for you and I haven’t been the best at helping you through them. I guess I can’t blame you for not coming to me with this,” his words oozed with pain.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve narrowed down the cause so it’s nothing you need to worry about.” I stood from the couch. “I’m dressed.” I yanked the wet sheets from the bed and tossed them onto the piles of clothes. The stench of sweat gathered in the pile on the other side of the couch.

“Let me help you.” The parachute of white let out a puff of a flowery scent as it landed on the bed. “What do you think is causing your restless nights?”

“Restless nights,” I chuckled. “I’m sure you have a busy day tomorrow. You should get some sleep.”

“I’m staying. Get into bed.” Caleb tossed the last of the pillows onto the bed and slipped under the sheet.

“Caleb?” I slipped in behind him.

“I’ll be here in the morning.” He faced me, adjusting the pillow under his head.

“Thank you for staying with me tonight.” I tucked my knees to my chest.

His hand hugged along my jaw and pushed his lips against mine. My lips responded, kissing him back. He wrapped his arms around me, my legs straightening as he pulled me against his bare chest.

He kissed me harder and harder, his arms tightened my body against his. There was no gracefulness or choreography to our movements as his passion took over. My body responded to his in every way.

My breathing became erratic as my thin shirt was hardly a barrier between my bare breast and his sculpted chest. His pants tightened as his bulge caressed along my thin shorts. The thin cotton material wasn’t enough to cage her, let alone catch the wetness.

My stomach danced at every flick of his tongue in my mouth. My skin ached under his touch in the most glorious way, my tongue was begging for more. She wanted him. She craved his attention.

Caleb’s hand slid along my side and down passed my hip, cupping my butt. A moan escaped me and then all of my thoughts went out the window.

“Stop,” I breathed roughly, pushing him away.
What are you doing? Don’t tell him to stop.

“I’m sorry.” Caleb backed away, but his hands were still touching me.

“You’re fine, I just can’t.”

“Hey, you don’t have to explain. I pushed. I’m sorry.”

“No, I…”

“Eva, you don’t have to explain.” He rolled onto his back, laid my head on his chest, and wrapped his arm around me. His heart was still beating rapidly against my ear; my chest was doing the same.
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, just before drifting off to sleep.

As much as I enjoyed the comfort of his arms and relief from his eyes after another shattering moment of blackness, I couldn’t put that on him. Nor could I ignore the fact that things were obviously still going on between he and Dr. Nyssa.

For days after, he offered to stay with me and I struggled when I told him no. I didn’t know if I would be able to stop him again. I didn’t want to stop him again. I wasn’t sure who was using who if I let it go on. I would have to manage my burden alone.

By the fourth week, Caleb was checking in on me throughout the day so I had to ease back to only physical therapy with Seth. The new routines were completely redesigned to prevent me from overworking myself.