X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (10 page)

Quaerite a competitore meo cur vectigal Bibliis Sacris et vexillis Americanis imponere velit ad epulas comparandas homicidis condemnatis

Call my opponent and demand that he stop accepting campaign contributions from operators of nursing-home casinos, publishers of pornographic children’s books, and owners of Mexican puppy mills

Vocantes competitorem meum poscite ut desinat accipere ad ambitionem alendam dona vel ab eis qui virginibus puerisque libros edunt Sotadicos, vel ab eis qui aleatoria in gerontocomiis apparant, vel ab eis qui catellos in Hispania Nova immodice alunt

* Ask my opponent why he wants to put a tax on Bibles and American flags to buy gourmet meals for convicted murderers

** Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts

Tell my opponent you oppose his plan to sponsor a law forcing Sunday schools to hire unemployed bilingual homosexual drug addicts

Dicite competitori meo vos obstare proposito suo ferendi legem quae cogat ludos Dominicales conducere paedicatores otiosos bilingues narcomaniacos

Business Latin—
SERMO LATINUS NEGOTIALIS

I respectfully decline to answer on the grounds that anything I might say would be a bald-faced lie

Recuso reverenter ne respondeam, quia quicquid dicam id sit mendacium impudens

It wasn’t all done with smoke and mirrors—there were some bells and whistles, too

Non solum fumo speculisque, sed etiam tintinnabulis fistulisque factum est

It wasn’t really a loss, it was a loan, which of course shows up as a profit

Non vero damnum erat sed mutuum, quod scilicet in rationibus existimatur lucrum

I was out of the loop, but I distinctly remember asking if it passed the smell test

Consilii particeps non eram, tamen memini clare me rogare num id insidias oleret

Due to an alien abduction, I have no recollection of anything else during that particular period of time

Quod raptus sum a transaetheriis, omnia quae evenerunt illo tempore de memoria mea exciderunt

I only sold my stock because a gypsy fortune-teller told me it was an unlucky month for any company with a vowel in its name

Omnes partes meas vendidi tantummodo eo, quod Aegyptia sortilega mihi dixit mensem infaustum esse cuiquam societati quae vocalem in nomine habet

Plus which, I needed cash to buy a condominium for my daughter’s hamster

Mihi autem pecunia opus erat ad domicilium emendum criceto filiae meae

I mistook the shredder for a Xerox machine

Discissorem esse Xerographium perperam putavi

Look, let me off the hook and I will rat out every single person in the whole company

Age, da mihi veniam ac impunitatem, deferam unumquemque hominum in societate

Furat Emptor—
LET THE BUYER GO MAD

Ministerium consultatorium rerum technicarum tibi gratias agit quod vocavisti

Thank you for calling tech support

Verisimile est te haudquaquam intellegere quod dicimus; quid enim?

You probably don’t understand a word we’re saying; but so what?

Vocatum tuum nullius momenti putamus eumque neglegemus in ordine

Your call is of no interest to us and will be ignored in the order it was received

Fieri potest ut vocatum tuum subauscultemus vel transcribamus animi causa

Your call may be monitored or recorded to provide us with entertainment

Omnes auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant

All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy

Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam

Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days

Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias

Press one to hear irritating music

Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias

Press two to hear a busy signal

Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias

Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension

Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris

Press four to be immediately disconnected

Sit iucundus tibi dies

Have a nice day

Jury Duty—
OFFICIUM IUDICIALE

I’m hopelessly prejudiced—everyone in this court looks like a criminal, including the judge

Opinionem praeiudicatam immutabilem habeo—omnes in hac basilica mihi videri nefarios esse, praetore non excepto

No fair! Just last month I served as a hooded judge on a secret military tribunal, but they made me promise not to tell.

Iniquum est! Modo proximo mense officio iudicis cucullati functus sum in tribunali clandestino militari tamen coactus sum iurare me de eo taciturum.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda

Iuro sollemniter me dicturum verum, totum verum, nihil praeter verum, ita me iuvet, iuvet Rhonda

I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them

Credo me posse diiudicare utrum quis nocens an innocens sit modo eum spectando

* I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda

** I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them

*** If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?

If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?

Si lis valde dubia sit, sententiis iuratorum paribus, liceatne nos nummum iactare, “caput aut navem” enuntiantes?

If the guy is obviously guilty, can we just skip the trial and send him straight to prison under early admission?

Si reus manifesto sit in culpa, sitne fas nos quaestionem praetereuntes condemnatum in carcerem confestim conicere per admissionem subitariam?

If the gloves don’t fit, do we have to acquit?

Si digitalia non congruant manibus, sitne nobis necesse reum absolvere?

Does the jury room have a minibar?

Estne cubiculum deliberationis instructum cistula potionum spirituosarum?

I believe the minimum award in civil cases should be one million dollars, but if you lose, you get the electric chair

Mea sententia, causam privatam obtinenti ut minimum decies centena milia Ioachimicorum addici debent, at de perdente supplicium ultimum in electrica sella sumendum est

I plan to find everyone not guilty by reason of I am extremely pissed off

In animo mihi est, iracundiae meae maximae causa, quemque reum absolvere de crimine

But in a larger sense, can any of us say that we are truly innocent?

Quod autem ad res universas attinet, ecquis nostrum dicere potest se vere innocentem esse?

No, no! It was me! It was me all along! I did it! I did it and I’m glad! Ha-ha, just kidding.

Minime! Non est! Ego fui! Semper ego! Ego facinus feci! Atque gaudeo me fecisse! Hahahae! Tantummodo iocabar.

Stealth Latin—
SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS

What you say in Latin

    What you say it means

What it really means

Stupra fascino volanti torum pistrinum provolventem.

You never cease to amaze me with your deeply insightful remarks.

Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

Quin futuis uxorem tuam foedam?

Why doesn’t everyone recognize your genius?

Why don’t you go screw your ugly wife?

Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in confinium gulae cacare.

I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your constructive criticism.