X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (7 page)

A coyote whose habitat was destroyed by urban sprawl ate my homework

Suo tractu operto suburbio extenso, canis latrans domicilium meum ingressus praescriptum domesticum mihi devoravit

Due to global warming, my homework spontaneously combusted

Orbe terrarum nimium calefacto combustione hydrogonanthracum, pensum meum domesticum sua sponte flammam concepit

My homework was seized as evidence by mistake by DEA agents in a drug bust at the wrong address

In domum meam perperam incurrentes, vigiles qui exsequuntur usum medicamentorum illicitorum nimis studiosi pensum domesticum pro testimonio iniuste abstulerunt

My homework was forcibly recycled by eco-terrorists

Praescriptum meum domesticum per vim in fibras redactum est a sodalitate quae terrore pro Terra utitur

* My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed.

** Bullshit!

My homework contracted mad homework disease and had to be destroyed

Necesse erat pensum domesticum meum, quod incidit in rabiem pensi deleri

Strict zoning codes enacted by the town board make it illegal for me to work at home

Praescriptis severis de aedificiorum usu decretis a decurionibus municipalibus, mihi non licet operari domi

Because of a lack of statewide standards, the Supreme Court ruled 5–4 that I had to stop doing my homework immediately

Normis civitati universae deficientibus, quinque ex iudicibus Tribunalis Supremi decreverunt, quattuor negantibus, ut pensum statim deponerem

Small Talk during a Colonoscopy—
COLLOCUTIO INTER COLONOSCOPIAM

Now I know how a Muppet feels

Nunc novi quid Manipupa sentiat

Any sign of the trapped miners?

Conspicisne metallicos sepultos?

Are you there yet? Are you there yet? Are you there yet?

Advenistine? Advenistine? Advenistine?

Could you provide me with an affidavit stating that my head is not, in fact, up there?

Potesne mihi testimonium impertire adfirmans caput meum reapse non infixum esse podici?

Medical Confab—
CONFABULATIO CUM MEDICO

I’m afraid I have some bad news, doc

Vereor ne tristem tibi nuntium adferam, medice

I’ve noticed you have no concept of time—I’ve been waiting for over an hour

Animadverti te nullam notionem temporis habere—nam plus quam unam horam tibi praestolatus sum

Your handwriting on prescriptions is totally illegible and shows signs of dementia

Chirographum tuum quasi demens in medicamentorum praescriptis nemo legere potest

Your manner is oddly distracted

Te geris mirum in modum neglegenter

You have an extremely strange sense of humor

Inusitatissima iocaris

Your fees are insane

Mercedes tuae insanae sunt

I think you have a brain tumor

Puto te tuber in cerebro alere

I’ll stop in again in a year and see how you’re doing

Reveniam ad annum ut cognoscam de valetudine tua

Hang in there!

Perfer et obdura!

Homeland Security—
SALUS PATRIAE

I’d open these bills, but I’m afraid they may contain anthrax

Has epistulas debitorum solutionem poscentes aperirem, sed metuo ne bacilli anthracis insint

The bad news is, the Martians have landed and, boy, are they mean; the good news is they hate Arabs and they piss gasoline

Tristis nuntio Martios descendisse et, eheu, truculentos esse, sed laetus nuntio illos odisse Arabes oleumque octanum meiere

If you don’t give me this putt, the terrorists win

Nisi mihi hunc puteolum concedis, phobistae vincunt

If I can’t get a decent table at a top restaurant on short notice, the terrorists have won

Nisi mensam opimam in popina optima extemplo accumbere possum, phobistae vicerunt

If you won’t sleep with me, the terrorists will have won

Nisi mecum concubueris, phobistae vicerint

Get out the duct tape—I’m about to fart!

Effer fasciam adhaesivam—mox pedam!

Useful Phrases for Barbarian Evildoers—
LOCUTIONES UTILES MALEFACTORIBUS BARBARIS

I surrender! Please do not fire your catapult!

Me dedo! Quaeso, noli iacere tela ballista!

There is no anti-Roman sentiment here!

Hic nemo est quin Romam amet!

We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

Amamus vestras currus immanes, cibum festinanter paratum, et cultum saevum!

We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

Odimus duces nostros improbos pravosque!

We welcome you as liberators, not conquerors!

Vos non victores, sed liberatores salutamus!

We never liked that dirty old city—it’s so much nicer as rubble!

Istam urbem squalidam senescentem numquam dileximus—confracta, multo magis nobis placet!

* We love your big chariots, fast food, and violent culture!

** We hate our wicked and corrupt leaders!

*** We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

We’d much rather be ruled by a distant emperor, even if he’s a nitwit!

Multo malimus ab imperatore remoto regi, etiamsi frutex sit!

If you see anything you like, don’t hesitate to take it!

Si quid videtis quo delectamini, agite, capite sine mora!

We’ll be sure to let you know if any Huns come this way!

Curabimus ut sciatis num ulli Hunni appropinquent hac via!

Have a really nice epoch!

Sit vobis aetas felicissima!

Game Boy Chatter—
HORTAMINA PUERORUM LUDENTIUM ENCHIRIDIIS LUSORIIS

Taste laser death, alien insect scum!

Oppetite mortem lumine amplificato stimulata emissione radiorum, cimices extraterrestriales foedi!

Eat hot lead, Nazi zombie robot commandos!

Vescimini glandibus plumbi candentis, velites nationalisticosocialistici cadaverosi automatarii!

Feel the keen edge of the sword of doom, no-good, stinking, corpse-eating tomb-ghouls!

Sentite aciem acrem ensis mortiferi, o larvae putidae, o bustirapi nefandi!

I am going to program a simulation of the Roman Empire and rule it unjustly, cruelly, and incompetently!

Mihi est in animo programmare simulationem imperii Romani quam iniuste, atrociter, imperite regam!

Tax the poor!

Impone vectigalia pauperibus!

Bribe the senators!

Corrumpe pecunia senatores!

Rig the elections!

Falle comitia!

Screw minorities!

Defrauda nationes minores in tua civitate!