X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (5 page)

Muliercula, si vis ibi sedens garrire totum diem in Nokiam tuam, quidni rotam adfigens gubernalem ad murum conclavis domi maneas?

What are you saving those pretty little turn signals for—Christmas?

Quod ad tempus reservas ista lumina pulchella praemonitoria—ad Saturnalia?

No, Mr. Busybody, I am not handicapped, but you will be if you don’t move your nosy butt out of that parking place, pronto

Minime, ardelio, nullo modo debilis sum, sed fies tu quidem, si clunes tuas curiosas non removeris protinam ab illa statione

Don’t boot my car!

Noli caligam in rotam currus mei adfigere!

I am too allowed in the car pool lane! See, I’m not alone. I suffer from multiple personality disorder.

Certe mihi licet vehi in orbita seposita curribus repletis. Ecce, non solus sum. Legio mihi nomen est, quia multi sumus.

There are three of us here. I want to drive! No, it’s my turn! No fair, what about me? Me me me!

Adsunt tres. Volo gubernare! Immo, ordo memet vocat! Iniquum est! Quid de me? Me me me!

Does that Breathalyzer have a Latin setting?

Potestne illa machina pneumatodocimastica ad linguam Latinam accommodari?

I have Vatican diplomatic immunity. If you give me a ticket, you’re going to end up cooling your heels in The Hague in a jail cell full of Yugoslavian war criminals.

Sedes Romana Sacra mihi diplomaticam immunitatem tribuit. Si me vocaveris in ius, aetatem tuam deges Hagae Comitis, conditus in carcerem refertum Iugoslavorum condemnatorum de bellum contra ius gentium gerendo.

Air Rage—
IRA IN AËRE

Do you have nail-clipper-sniffing dogs?

Habetisne canes quae forficulas unguales olfacere possunt?

I think that guy with a napkin on his noggin has a catapult in his shoe

Credo illum mantelium in capite gerentem occultavisse catapultam in caliga

Hey, pal, is that carry-on luggage or did you just sack Carthage?

Heia, amice, utrum illae sunt sarcinae tuae, an modo Carthaginem despoliasti?

Say, miss, didn’t you used to work for Con Air?

Dic mihi, domnicella, nonne te conducebat aëria classis quae condemnatos transportabat?

You know, even galley slaves were served meals

Nempe cibus dabatur etiam servis navalibus

If there’s an accident, I’m going to charge people to use this exit

Si de caelo cadere incipiamus, vectores pretium pro usu huius exitus poscam

Warning Labels—
SCHEDAE MONITORIAE

Your nose may fall off

Fieri potest ut nasus tuus decidat

You may develop hot-dog fingers

Fieri potest ut digiti tui formam tomaculorum sumant

Your head may explode

Fieri potest ut caput tuum displodatur

Your brain may turn to mush

Fieri potest ut cerebrum tuum liquefiat

You may start babbling in Latin

Fieri potest ut Latine blaterare incipias

II
Lingua Latina Media
Intermediate Latin

Caesar’s PowerPoint Presentation—
CAESAR TIBI PROPOSITA MAXIMI MOMENTI PRAEFERT

I

Argumentum

Gallia, terra in partes tres divisa

*Cisalpina

*Transalpina

*Oblitus sum tertiae

Topic

Gaul, a country with three parts

*Northern Italy

*France

*I forget

II

Consilium

*Visere

*Videre

*Vincere

Plan

*Make a visit

*Have a look-see

*Take it over

III

Sequelae

*De bello stultum librum scribam

*A nonnullis irrumatoribus occidar in Foro

*Acetaria et mensis accipient a me nomina

Follow-up

*Write a stupid book about it

*Get assassinated in the forum by a bunch of assholes

*Salad and month get named after me

IV

Conclusio

*Faciam ut animus meus scrutetur

*Quid illa femella Cleopatra?

Conclusions

*Get head examined

*What about that Cleopatra dame?

Top 10 Reasons to Live in the Time of the Caesars
DECEM OPTIMAE RATIONUM CUR IN AEVO CAESARUM VIVERE IUCUNDIUS ESSET

X.
Calculus won’t be invented for another fifteen hundred years

Calculus differentialis non invenietur intra mille quingentos annorum

IX.
When you’re late on a rainy day, you can always blame the sundial

Si sub Iove pluvioso serius advenias, tu culpare semper potes horologium solare

VIII.
If you piss off one god, you’ve still got 600 left

Si deum irrites unum, sescenti tibi iam supersint

VII.
Actors are treated like dirt

Histriones foede tractantur

VI.
Athletes who complain about their pay end up in an urn

Athletae qui queruntur de mercedibus mox in urnas funduntur

V.
Scumbags who get the death penalty think they got off light

Scelesti mortis damnati se leviores poenas pensuros reuntur

IV.
The likeliest place to find some pushy Christian preacher is inside a lion

Veri simillimum est, locum in quo praedicatorem Christianum protervum invenies, ventrem leoninum esse

III.
The French are an ignorant bunch of servile peasants living in smelly huts, and the Germans are getting their asses kicked

Gens Gallorum inerudita servilis agrestis est, in tuguriis foetidis habitans, et Germani vapulant

II.
A healthy diet consists of waiting to see if the food taster dies before having anything to eat

Diaeta salubris est, antequam aliquid cenes, observare an moriatur praegustator

I.
Everyone is always dressed for a toga party

Omnès amiciuntur semper togis quasi convivium agitaturi

That Old-Time Religion—
ILLA RELIGIO PRISCA

Actually, I’m a born-again pagan

Re vera, cultor denuo renatus deorum Romanorum antiquorum sum

I get to worship whomever I like, including SpongeBob SquarePants

Licet mihi venerari pro deo quemlibet, etiam SpongoRobertum QuadratoBracatum

I always ask myself, What would Julius Caesar do?

Me semper rogo, Quid faceret Iulius Caesar?

No, as far as miracles go, this “J. C.” never raised the dead, but he certainly lowered a lot of the living

Immo, si de miraculis agitur, ille “I Ce” nullos mortuos ad vitam revocavit, sed tamen multos vivos ad mortem sane misit

We’re having a prayer breakfast down at the pistol range

Ientabimus, precatione facta, in campo manuballistulario

I am a firm believer in tough hate

Mihi persuasum est odisse acerbe

* Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire.

Do unto others, but do it first

Fac hominibus aliis, atqui fac prius