X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema (6 page)

Blessed are the poor, because they leave so much more money for the rest of us

Beati pauperes, quoniam tanto plus pecuniae nobis reliquis relinquunt

Blessed are the meek, because we can cut in front of them in lines

Beati mites, quoniam istis in ordine stantibus anteponere nosmet ipsos possumus

If someone smites you on the cheek, turn the other cheek and see what kind of a smiter he is with a bloody stump

Si quis te percusserit in dexteram maxillam tuam, praebe illi alteram ut possis cognoscere quam fortiter percussurus sit bracchio truncato cruento

Love thy neighbors, and to show you really mean it, send 50,000 heavily armed soldiers to knock on their door and ask in the nicest possible way if they’d like to join your empire

Dilige proximos tuos, utque illis ostendas te re vera diligere, mitte decem legiones quae ianuas pulsent et quam dulcissime ab illis quaerant, num velint in tuum imperium recipi

The theory of evolution is baloney. Everyone knows the whole universe came out of Saturn’s nostrils

Theoria Darwiniana evolutionis specierum absurda est. Constat inter omnes universitatem rerum ab naribus Saturni venisse

Of course I can speak in tongues, but I prefer Latin

Sane loqui variis linguis possum sicut Apostoli die Pentecostes, sed malo Latine loqui

Let’s say grace: O gods, thank you for permitting us to gobble this food the way Caesar gobbled up half of Europe. Amen.

Precemur. O di, gratias vobis agimus, quod nos sinitis hunc cibum sic devorare quo modo C. Iulius Caesar dimidiam partem Europae devoravit. Finis.

Mob Banter—
CAVILLATIO SODALIUM

It fell off the back of a truck, capeesh?

De extremo plaustro excidit; comprehendisne mente quod dico?

You got a problem with that, paysan?

Num de hoc dubitas, compagane?

Whatsamatter you?

Quid te sollicitat?

Fuhgeddaboutit

Eice id ex animo

Geddouttahere

Noli mecum nugari

God forbid, a piano should fall on your head

Dii prohibeant ne clavicinium in caput tuum delabatur

New Age Discourse—
SERMO NEOMYSTICUS

Meditate on this, pal

Meditare de hoc, amice

Do you know the yoga position where you put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye?

Scisne schema gymnosophisticum per quod, capite inter femora flexo, iubentur basio valere clunes?

Did a dish of potpourri just catch fire, or did someone light up a joint?

Utrum patella florum siccatorum ignem modo concepit, an aliquis accendit sarcinulam cannabis?

Man, that shit is potent—I am like totally in the subjunctive

Mehercle, illa materia tam valida est ut funditus in modo subiunctivo sim

I’ve got the munchies! Pizza pizza!

Esurio! Libum Neapolitanum!

Hollywood Latin—
SERMO LATINUS ACUIFOLIIS

I love it, I love it, I love it!

Id amo, id amo, id amo!

Make the mother the father, change the cat to a dog, and lose the kid with cancer

Muta matrem in patrem, converte felem in canem, amitte puerum cancerosum

And replace all the love scenes with car chases and set it in the Hamptons instead of the Civil War

Substitue autem persecutiones curriles pro episodiis eroticis, et conloca dramatis actionem in Hamtunis in vicem temporis Belli Civilis Americani

Wait, the girl in the copy room hated it!

Siste, puella in scriptorio xerographico fabulam oderat!

I’m putting it in turnaround

Hoc scriptum in purgatorium committo

Pasadena

Praetermitto

You’ll never eat lunch in this town again

Numquam in hoc oppido prandebis iterum

Sushi Bar Chitchat—
SERMO IN TABERNA IAPONICA PULPAMENTORUM INCOCTORUM MARINORUM

No mackerel, no eel, and no slab of cold egg crud

Mihi nullus scomber, nulla anguilla, nullum frustum ovorum frictorum frigidorum

When I snap apart the chopsticks, do I make a wish?

Estne mos homini findenti virgulas prehensorias aliquod optatum declarare?

What’s the deal with the little strip of green plastic with the fringe on top?

Quapropter in catillum poni solet illa taeniola plastica viridis fimbrata?

More tuna, please, and another California roll

Da mihi plus de thunno, sodes, et alterum volumen Californicum

How do you get the little piece of fish to stick to the rice ball?

Quo modo cogitur segmentulum piscis globo oryzae adhaerere?

Are those knives as sharp as they look?

Suntne illi cultri tam acuti quam esse videntur?

You guys make great cars!

Vos vehicula praestantia fabricamini!

Sorry about those atom bombs!

Me paenitet illorum pyrobolorum atomicorum!

Thank you very much!

Vobis plurimas gratias ago!

Computer Language—
SERMO LATINUS COMPUTATORIUS

Download the goddamn file, you bug-ridden piece of shit

Assume plicam damnatam, o tu moles muscaria muscerdarum

If you freeze one more time, you’re going straight to the landfill

Si denuo congeles, confestim ibis in fossam purgamentorum

Yeah? Well I’ve got an error message for you, fuckhead—you’re about to be shut down improperly with a ball-peen hammer

Sicine? Nunc age, tibi nuntium erroris habeo, stuprator—mox improprie sopieris malleolo

Car Talk—
DISCEPTATIO DE CURRIBUS

It’s a hunk of junk!

Acervus inutilium est!

That car is so ugly, you’d have to put a pork chop on the backseat to get the dog to ride in it

Iste currus tam turpis est ut necesse tibi sit ponere offam porcinam in sede postrema ut persuadeas cani ut vehatur eo

You deserve a dopeslap for buying it!

Eum tam imprudenter comparando meruisti alapam!

If the rattle gets too bad, wear earmuffs

Nimium si strepat, indue operimenta tuis auribus

Of course you think you can repair it—you’re a moron!

Scilicet putas te currum reficere posse—stipes es!

Whatever it is, it’s going to cost you five hundred bucks, if that’s what it is

Quodcumque est, Ioachimicis tibi quingentis constabit, siquidem est, quod esse creditur

Try putting it in neutral and pushing it off a cliff

Vide quid eventurum sit si, dinexo ingranagio, currum e scopulo pepuleris

Keep in mind, people in the rearview mirror are even stupider than they appear

Tene memoria, viatores conspectos in speculo retrospicienti stultiores esse quam videntur

And remember, don’t drive like my brother!

Et memento, noli agere currum ut frater meus!

B.S.—
BUBULUM STERCUS