Your Little Secret (22 page)

Connor was offering her a lifestyle she could never get used to, but she'd have him and he was all she needed. Ethan was offering her the world she desired and him.

Falling into his kiss she let herself work her fingers through his hair. Connor pulled back first and ran the pad of his thumb along her lower lip. "It's me and you, baby. Me and you."

“You and I,” she whispered at him coyly. Even though her heart sank at the matter at hand, at the fact she had made her decision, Amber had to remember that Connor was always here. Regardless of distance, he was always here when they were together. He was invested and devoted when work wasn’t begging for attention. Yet she coped with that. It was life after all.

With Ethan there was always something ready to scupper their attempts to pursue the other - Connor, Eva, London, fate. It didn’t matter what, it happened. Their moments were disrupted and never coherent. They happened on chance and opportunity, and even though she loved the spontaneity, she didn’t want to live like that. She wanted a constant relationship that was real and perfect for her.

Connor had just offered her that in a little black box.

“Now what to do with you before I have to take you to the station?” Connor asked her, bringing the snap back of reality to them. “It’s going to be an awful goodbye, but baby, I want that entire station to envy us.”

Amber giggled. “The entire station eh?”

“Yes, each and every one of those people,” he told her confidently. “I want them to want what we have.” Connor put his hand out to her, extending the ring towards her. “No pressure, I just want you to have this reminder that I am here, waiting for you. I love you, Amber Watson. No man will ever love you the way I love you.”

Taking the box seemed to be a sealant on this deal. It was as if her heart had made its mind up when in actual fact, she was still in utter turmoil on whether she was making a wise choice or
just taking this for the sake of it. After all, it was the only thing she had to grab onto that was real. Ethan had given her words; words that she knew would turn out to be futile. Connor was giving her an engagement ring as another step towards her happiness.

“Now, do you need any help packing?” Connor asked her calmly and almost quietly. “If we get your bag ready it means that we have more time to mess around.”

“It’s packed,” she told him sweetly, her eyes glistening with intent. “It’s why I’m here in your shirt and not my own clothes.” She continued to smile sweetly at him as she noticed him realise slowly that she had indeed only left out her clothes to travel home in and giggled as he reacted.

“In that case,” he began to say, drawing her to him, lifting her up so her legs were around his waist, “Let’s go and use our time wisely.”

“Hmm,” Amber mused and looked to the watch. “Is five hours and twelve minutes long enough?”

Connor shrugged his shoulders. “Who knows, but stop wasting my sweet time and let me give you a reminder for that entire train journey.”

“Okay,” she spoke softly and allowed him to carry her off. The moment he threw her onto the bed and he looked at her as if she were some sort of prey, Amber knew the goodbye would kill her like it did that first time. A part of her would be wounded by this upcoming farewell, and she could see it was eating away at Connor.

That was why she gave herself to the lustful distraction. Like that first day, she wanted nothing more than completeness.

***

Making love to Amber was always his favourite time of day. Lying in the post of their expressions, he watched her heavy chest rise and fall with each new breath as she slept soundly. She was, really the definition of beautiful in his eyes.

Amber had this urge unveiled from him, she would make him split himself up for her, she could bring out every emotion. Leaving her, was like leaving behind a broken child, just walking away from it. When Amber needed him, he wasn't there and that killed him.

Connor sat up and walked over to his bathroom.

Locking the door, he did what no man wants his girl to see, and that was cry. The tears were powerful, needed. Wiping his hands across his face, he fell to the floor, just holding his head in his hands and letting the tears come. Amber was his reason, every day why he woke up.

He shouldn't of let her come down
here, this was much harder than before, at least before she couldn't see the pain he felt on the long two hour train journey to London. Now, she was in his bed, and she had to go through what he did, and that pain was overbearing.

Connor never cried. Not even when his
Grandad died a year ago. He remembered the hold Amber had on him then, how she was there for him, her fingers laced his as they stood lowering one of his best friends into the ground. Standing to his feet, Connor ran the cold tap and cupped some water in his hands.

Running the water over his face he held the sink, one hand on each side and stared at himself in the mirror.

She was his, and she had to go again. He didn't want to see her cry anymore, he didn't want this selfless, beautiful girl, who rescued him, as much as he her, break down again in front of him.

Unlocking the door, he sat down on the bed, and Amber stirred as it dipped slightly.

"Baby," Connor whispered, moving a strand of hair from her cheek. Sniffing deeply, he stroked her cheek again, and she turned and opened her eyes. Connor breathed in deep at the beauty of this woman, her aquamarine eyes piercing. "You need to get ready."

"I don’t want to!" Amber muttered before pulling the duvet over her head. "You can't make me."

"Amber please." Connor begged, "I don't want this to be any harder."

Pulling the duvet back down Amber sat up and pulled him into her arms. She could see him breaking, and she didn't like it. It tore at her
heart, that he was broken, as much as she was when he left.

"Hey," Amber whispered, pulling away. "We'll be fine." Connor smiled and held her again.

"Don't you ever leave me, Amber. Please I couldn't bear living without you." Lacing her fingers with his she played with them.

"I could never imagine a life without you, Connor; you're all I want in my life. I want you to tell me all the problems. I just need one promise from you, please."

"What?" Connor asked concentrating on again moving some hair back behind her ear.

"Please call me more, Skype me more,
Facebook me more. I just need you when I'm all alone in my bed." Snapping his gaze back to hers, he nodded and kissed her mouth, this heart-breaking moment consuming them both. “Promise me,” she pushed him pleadingly. “You want to marry me, show me. Prove it to me, because this won’t work if I’m made to feel like the needy one constantly being rushed off the phone. It kills me, Connor, and yet you never saw it. It’s another reason why I can’t just accept a marriage proposal with you. As much as I love you, I need to know that this, you wanting me that seriously, is not just because I’m here.”

“It’s not,” he fought her back.

“Then prove it,” she relayed to him in a simple tone. “That’s all I’m asking from you.”

“I’ll do it,” he breathed at her, his eyes finding solace with hers. “I promise. I won’t let you slip through my fingers.”

“Good,” she whispered delicately at him, her fingers playing with his hair, her lips plotting tender kisses to his lips. “Now tell me why you’re sniffling away and have red eyes. I’m a girl, don’t lie to me and tell it’s because you’ve got a cold.” She watched him toy with the idea of lying with her for a moment and smirked, “Why are you crying, Connor? Only good things are set for our future.”

“That’s why I’m crying,” he told her, feeling a little of his dignity disappearing. “I’m in your shoes now and I realise what you went through. God, Amber, I understand now what you survived that day you had to watch me leave.”

“This will be easier,” she told him, fierce confidence lacing her tone. “Because we’ll be reunited soon.” She gave him a half grin. “I know it. I can feel it.”

“If that’s your gut feeling, I’ll love it,” he told her and pulled her up from the bed. “And I’ll count the days down until it happens.”

Amber gave him a positive look before sighing. “Guess I better get out of your shirt before I miss my train.”

Connor sat back, and began to undo the buttons until it hung over, the hem sitting on her perky breasts, her lacy black knickers on show to him and he had to steady his breathing and beg the blood to not rush to his penis. They had their goodbye, he couldn’t delay her now.

“I wish we had time,” she told him, biting on her lip. “I really do, Con.”

“I know,” he said as he sat literally drinking her appearance in. “Just think of our reunion.”

Amber giggled. “I expect to have no reason to wait.” Her chastisement wasn’t missed. She meant it as a jab at him. Everything about the distance between them had forced them to wait, to live in celibacy, but she didn’t want that next time they were together. She wanted to give in and allow him to push her to a wall and defile as she loved. “Are you driving me to the station or are we getting down and dirty and using the underground?”

“I’ll drive,” he told her, gave her a kiss and stood up. “We should get going. I’m giving you five minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” she grinned and watched as he left her still sitting in the centre of the bed, ready and willing for sex, left hanging on her own sexual quest. Even though she had a part of her loathe that he didn’t take the bait, she was thankful. They needed to rip the plaster off and just remember that this wasn’t forever.

Pulling herself off the bed, she quickly got changed and shook the sheets onto the bed, making it look neater than it was right now. Grabbing her phone and charger, she threw them into her handbag, and checked she had tickets.

Running out, she saw Connor at the door, waiting with car keys and suitcase. He gave her a smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes, and put his hand out for her to take. Which she did, lavishing every last touch she could. Even when she was in the car, she placed her hand on his thigh, keeping the contact.

And the moment she could, her hand was in his as they approached the station. Connor had her suitcase in one hand, and kept her clinging onto him with the other as though she were his lifeline. His grip seemed to tighten some as they approached her platform and he knew the final goodbye would be happening for real.

Amber looked at everyone around her. She noticed a few new looks. One's of envy and fantasy and she looked up at Connor as he walked along looking blissfully happy. She knew otherwise, but she was so happy to see him given to this relationship. All of the worry was for nothing. He gave his all now as if he had seen the errors of his way and she couldn't help but feel contentment at the fact.

She stupidly wondered what it would be like when she got home. How would Ethan be with her when they were face to face? What about the ring? Hell, he didn't have to know about the ring. That was her little secret until she knew she was ready, and a part of her was praying that seeing Ethan would finalise her feelings that Connor was the right option for her.

“Your train’s boarding already,” he told her as they came to a halt in front of the large board of departures. He hated looking at the departure time and her train being there already. “This is it.”

“For now,” she told him tenderly, tending to his aching heart and her own. “I’ll call you when I’m home okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered back at her and accepted a kiss from her before she reached for her bag to run off to find her seat on the train. He hated the way she quickly gave him a kiss before fleeing like it hurt too much to prolong, but he couldn’t let her go just like that.

Spinning her back to him with such force she dropped her case, he pulled her tightly against him, supporting her entire weight in his embrace and brought his lips to her, igniting the power house that was their love once again. Amber moaned against his kiss, but relented and ran one of her hands into his hair, deepening the kiss. This was exactly what he wanted. He wanted this kiss ingrained on her until their next reunion.

When he let her go, the breathlessness and lust in her eyes proved that he had succeeded.

Amber stared at the passing world as her headphones snuggled into her ear a Passenger sang to her about letting go. The train rumbled beneath her and an old man sat opposite, his concentration buried into a crossword puzzle. Her finger traced the outline of her wedding finger and she felt that with something there, she's claimed. She doesn't have a choice when it comes to being herself.

Giving yourself through marriage is a sacred act, she can't do that to Connor, or to Ethan. Opening her bag at her feet she pulled out this week’s heat magazine and scanned the latest celebrity lives.

Ethan and Connor.
She would forever be cursed for finding herself in this position. She couldn't break up Eva and Ethan. They had only just got back together, and she wasn't that conniving or selfish. Her and Ethan had committed a selfish act and after they had returned to those who loved them. They were the bad ones. The ones that committed adultery. She hadn't seen Ethan since she left his house that night to be with Eva.

The guilt she felt with Connor was real; it was tearing her in half. It lingered through her, cursing her veins in attempt to make her break. The tears came unexpected and Amber dashed them away with the back of her hand, pulling her
hoodies’ hood further over to cover her face. She felt a hand touch her fingers that were resting on the table in front of her. The old man smiled and Amber pulled out her headphones as he spoke to her.