Your Little Secret (25 page)

Her mother was the final straw and she threw the bottle of cider against one of the nearby trees before literally running home. She didn’t stop for anyone, she just ran and ran until she was able to collapse against her front door and realise she was back at her prison.

Driving the key into her the lock she entered her house and used her body to shut it as she slumped down onto the floor. She sat there for a moment, and pondered on what to do before she reached into her pocket for her phone. She pulled up Ethan’s number, and vowed to do this one final time.

By the second ring she was in floods of silent tears, sniffling to try and withhold their watershed. Amber closed her eyes as she was met with voicemail. It might not have been Ethan, but it wasn’t a disconnected tone making it impossible to get in contact with him.

When the beep sounded, she sat frozen for a moment before she spoke up.

“Hey Ethan,” she managed to start, but a sob fell out quickly after and she closed her eyes and tried to shake this off of her. “God, I tried not to be like this, but how can I not be when you left town and didn’t tell me. You literally abandoned me when all you’ve ever done is
promise me you would be here. Ethan, you turned out to be like everyone else in my life.” Her sobs were incessant now, rolling out with each new words. “You were a total waste of my life, just like my parents, Lucy, Connor. Everyone is just the same and you, you, Ethan, you were the worst of them all.” She couldn’t stop herself from letting her grief just tumble out at him. “But whatever, I love you, and I know I will always love you, and I only want the best for you. I want you to live the life we dreamed of where you come home to the woman you love, and you have the job that makes you want to work every single day and I want you to make something of yourself. I just hate myself for choosing too late and listening to Eva get exactly what she knew she would.
You
.” Crying for a moment, Amber couldn’t withhold the grief from literally crawling from the bottom of her soul anymore. “I never want to see you again, Ethan. I don’t even think you’ll want to, but I want you to know that my life is worth nothing and you helped along with that decision. So, this is the last time you’ll hear from me. Live your life, and love it.”

She hung up the call and threw phone before falling to the side so she could curl up into a ball. She didn’t even care about the draught coming from under the door, running up her spine. Wiping her face, Amber didn’t stay there long. If she was going to stay anywhere, she was going to stay in her bed.

***

She was alone in this bed; comforted only by the photo Ethan left her and her body was no longer fighting her to eat. She drank when she needed to and used the bathroom when she needed to. She couldn't even bury herself in a book. This was what it feels like to have the person you love, who everyday stuck by you, only to lose them. This was the heart crushing pain that consumed your body. It made your skin pale and your blood run cold. It made your head hate you and your heart ache. She didn't want this. She never wanted this. The week with Connor made her happy, she was happy, even if she did miss Ethan more than anything. But at least she enjoyed his company, and missed what they were. But Ethan made her heart beat faster, her blood run warm,
her skin golden. He was the answer but she couldn't have him. She didn't deserve him.

The birds were whistling outside as she contemplated with herself. She needed to be happy, and she wasn't happy here all alone. She wasn't happy in her home town, because Ethan wasn't here and neither was Connor.

She wanted Connor.

"I can't do this anymore," Amber spoke to
herself and jumped from the bed. Opening her handbag she searched through and tipped it upside down. Lipstick tubes and her money all scattered onto the laminate flooring but she found the small velvet black box. Opening it, she pulled out the ring and tried it on her wedding finger. It ran over her knuckles and sat perfectly at the bottom. Her knees crossed beneath her, she stared at the ring in awe for a moment. Remembering what Arthur said, she jumped to her feet and breathed deeply in and out for a second. "I need to be me again."

Pulling out her suitcase she flung it onto the bed and threw all the clothing she could inside. Scooping up all the items in her drawers she placed them on top and tried hard to shut the zipper when it was full. Dialling Connors number, she had no answer, but she now knew what she had to do. What she needed to do.

Ethan didn't care, he left her, just like everyone else did. He ran away and didn't tell her. She knew, because Eva told her, but he still did it anyway regardless of her. He was selfish.

This was why she packed her bags and headed to the train station and prayed that she would see London soon and her life wouldn’t feel like such a failure. She counted her lucky stars when she found there was a train heading to London within the next twenty minutes, and she didn’t care about the price because that didn’t matter. Getting out of Leeds did and she knew she had to make it out as soon as. She had limited cash and little hope, but seeing that train ticket gave her optimism that this was the right move.

Buying herself a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a coke to build her strength up she sat on the train and fell asleep until she arrived in London.

"Love," muttered a stranger. "Love!" he repeated shaking Ambers shoulder. Opening her sleep deprived eyes she saw an old chunky man staring down at her. "We're at the last
stop, you need to leave the train now."

Stretching, Amber thanked the man for waking her and grabbed her bags. She wrapped one around her body and carried the other. Walking through kings cross, she checked her purse. She had £200 in there, all she had left in the world. She walked out into the musky London air and inhaled deeply, ready to catch a taxi. Even though it was late evening, the streets were still bustling with bodies.

This was it. She'd left her home, to come live with the man who loves her. Connor loves her. She doesn't need to live with this guilt anymore, because Ethan's gone. Pulling out her iPhone she tried Connor's number again. No answer. She was nervous. Her stomach was somersaulting inside her, the acids flushing against her causing her hands to shake slightly. Suddenly starvation overwhelmed her, and she was desperate for food.

As she told the cab driver where to go, she watched London through the window. This was a very different place to Yorkshire. Passing Big Ben and other famous landmarks she felt herself smiling. She would find a job, love and marry Connor and everything would be okay. Love triangles are not like they
say, they aren't easy, not like in all the novels. She had hit rock bottom because of this, she felt like the weak child she was when she first ran away from home. Pulling her hoodie harsher around her, the cab driver pulled up to the side of the pavement.

"That's 30 quid please love," he literally shouted and she pulled out the cash and he helped her unload her bags.

Staring up at the building in front of her she smiled. Checking to her left, she saw Connor's car and walked through the apartment lobby. Pressing the button on the lift, she waited impatiently for it to descend from a higher level and it pinged as it reached the bottom. The doors opened and she walked in. Breathing in, and swallowing back her nerves she dropped her bag and tied her hair back. Cursing herself for not getting changed, she breathed back the bundle of nerves sitting in her stomach and exited the lift. This was it. She didn't know why she felt nervous or uneasy but she had to see Connor. Walking down the corridor she reached apartment 49b and knocked heavily on the door. Moving away from the peep hole, she giggled slightly and waited. After there was no answer she tried again. This time she heard voices.

“Leave it,” she heard Connor’s voice. Even through the thick wooden door, Amber could hear he was tense and didn’t want company. “It’s just about you and
I tonight.”

Amber didn’t need to hear another voice to do the maths. Instead of fleeing, all of her emotions came together and she was compelled to knock on the door again. Her knuckles rapped on the oak and she could feel all of her depressive emotions coming together heatedly. The force and friction of her feelings churning into anger, and she was ready to face whatever new drama life was going to torture her with. This might well be her breaking point, but she needed to face this before she ran away.

The door finally opened and she was greeted with a half dressed Connor with just a towel wrapped around his waist - but he wasn't wet. As his eyes met hers, the colour changed to an ashen shade instantly, his face drained of colour.

“Amber,” he managed to force the words out, just about. He looked over his shoulder and back at her, “
Wh-what are you doing here? Sorry, I took so long, I was, erm, preoccupied, but what the hell are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” she asked, biting her lip a little. She knew something was going on, but she needed him. He was her last hope. She took a step forward, but the moment Connor stepped in the way, Amber’s
heart felt the deceit burning up.

Taking a step back into the hallway, she suddenly realised the man before her was not her Connor.

"Connor," Amber whispered. "What's wrong, are you okay?" She asked as she reached for him but he took a step back.

"Why are you here? I don't understand," muttered Connor his voice hushed.

"I came to be with you, I can't be alone anymore, Connor, I just can't. Can I come in?" Pushing herself passed him she dropped her bags in the hallway and walked into his living area. The TV was on and she sat down on the sofa. "I want to marry you," Amber whispered as Connor came to sit by her. Looking sideways to meet his eyes she smiled and he didn't return it.

Running his hands through his hair, Connor exhaled loudly and stood to pace back and forth in front of her. "That's lovely, Amber, but you can’t be here right now,
I don't understand why you're here?"

Staring in disbelief, Amber knew exactly what was transcending from her boyfriend’s demeanour, but a part of her wanted to believe it was because he was like all the others. "Clearly you don't want me here. Fucking brilliant! I come all this way back to be with you after being a shell without you and all I get is 'you shouldn't be here'. Well excuse me for wanting to be with the man I love." Amber stood, and was about to leave, when she heard a shriek female voice she had never heard before. Turning to the sound, she pelted into the direction of Connor’s bedroom and almost fell when she reached the door frame. Before her eyes she saw a young blonde naked. She watched as she pulled the sheets over her, but Amber became furious. Turning back she saw Connor run to see what she had seen, and open his mouth to speak. Before he could, her hand rang across his cheek as hard as she could and she felt stronger than ever.

"How long?" was all she asked through clenched teeth.

"Amber I-"

"How fucking long, Connor?" She watched as he backed away, his eyes searching hers. "Tell me!" Amber yelled, the pain screaming through her system.

"Before I moved to London," he told her, unable to give her eye contact.

Amber’s world darkened in an instant and she felt every ounce of her get swallowed by death itself and she stood there, breathless, and infuriated. She cast her eyes up at Connor, finally meeting his gaze and she felt like her entire body was on fire.

“Before London?” she asked him in a simple, calm tone and she forbid the tears right now from falling. “You’ve been with her since before London?” she asked and Connor nodded at her, feeling uneasy under Amber’s gaze. “All the business trips, the business calls. You fucking liar,” she said as she put all of the pieces together in one a shocking realisation. “You absolute
fucking liar!” she literally screeched at Connor and with both palms to his chest, forcing him away enough to not feel claustrophobic.

“I’m sorry,” he tried to apologised profusely at her, but he can tell words were futile.

Amber said nothing, instead she turned back to the woman in the bedroom who now had one of Connor’s shirts on. The sight, albeit bittersweet, only fuelled Amber’s fury. “You might have had a laugh at my expense, love, but remember Connor’s a cheat. He’ll never change, and you might believe that he can, but really he can’t. You might have known about me as well, but he cheated on you considering we had sex literally most of last week. Against the wall, in the kitchen, in the shower, hell, in that bed not only three days ago even!” she exclaimed, using mock surprise to aid her sarcasm. “Sweetheart, you’re welcome to him.”

Connor was in shock at the feistiness of Amber. He had speculated her reactions. The first was her being completely broken and crying on the floor, and another had been begging and pleading for him to choose her. He had never enlisted anger as a reaction, and it honestly scared him.

“Baby,” he said as he followed Amber away from the bedroom, “I’m sorry. She means nothing to me, and you need to understand that. She’s just a fling.”

Amber let a laugh of irony, “A fling? Con, if I were you I’d look up the definition of fling because clearly you don’t know it. You’re a two timing bastard and I cannot believe I finally decided to accept your marriage proposal.” She looked at her hand tore the ring off, repelled by the sight of the glistening diamond. “That’s yours,” she said and threw it at him, pleased when it hit his chest and bounced off.