Your Little Secret (6 page)

The taxi ride home was long and expensive, but having Amber fall asleep in his arms brought him a sense of adoration, especially for her.

"Baby we're here," he whispered as he shook her gently. Stroking her cheek as she awoke, she grumbled and lifted herself from the comfy position she was in.

"That'll be thirty quid mate," muttered a rough voice from the taxi driver. Connor watched as Amber scrambled in her purse for excess change as he handed the driver a £50 note. He handed Connor the £20 change and he touched Amber's arm to alert her.

"Babe you ready?" She looked up at Connor, her eyes swimming with confusion.

"
Yo-You paid?" she asked again and shook her head as she placed back all of her loose change in her purse and began to get out of the taxi. "You're just a pain in my arse really aren't ya, Con," she gave him a wicked grin and suddenly missed the feel of his arms steadying her on her shaky legs as she came to stand. Making her way up the path, she fumbled again for her keys to unlock the front door. As she heard Connor approaching behind her, she spun around to face him, frustration ignited upon her features. "Don't you have your key?" she asked Connor and his face drew ashen almost instantly. She watched as he shrugged his hands into his trouser pockets and looked anywhere but at her.

"I must have forgotten to pick them up, babe. You got yours? It's freezing out here!" He ran his hands up and down his arms desperate for warmth.

"Somewhere in here," she muttered and dropped her bag to the floor as if that might help find them. She grabbed the keys, and the rest of her belongings, and unlocked the door quickly desperate to retrieve some warmth from indoors. As soon as they were inside Connor grabbed at her hips and bit and nibbled her earlobe from behind.

"I might take you this way later," he whispered into her ear causing fluid movements in her groin.

She turned to face him, ignoring his come on. Feeling a little more sobered and ready to face him she crossed her arms in front of her. "So er, when you said you're going home tomorrow since when did London become your home?" she watched as he soaked in her words wondering why she has chosen to do this now, when he's made the two hundred and sixty mile journey to be with her.

"Are we doing this now, Amber?
Really?" Connor asked, annoyed immediately.

"Yes really, Connor. I'm not sharing you with London. We already decided that," she said turning her back on him.

"It kind of is home right now to me isn't it?" he questioned as he tried to plead his case.

She sighed in exasperation as she tried to figure out what he means. "It's not your home, Connor, though is it? I thought this was your home?"

"It is, it is," he said with a slight smirk.

"Don't pull that face at me,
Con. I'm angry at you. I've been here all alone this week. All on my own. I have barely slept because you haven't been next to me. I haven't been out much. Just to go to work, or get milk. In on my own. It's like I'm single."

"Is that what you want?" Connor shot back at her, his eyes darkening with malice.

"Is that what I want?” Amber quizzed back, disbelief filling her voice. “Being single? Of course not, but if it's what you want I suggest you fuck off out of my house right now."

She pulled off her heels and threw them against the old wooden flooring. Running towards the kitchen she opened the bin and the bile had risen to the point of sickness. The heaves racked her body as she threw up into her bin, and Connor came to hold her hair back from her face.

“Get off me,” she smacked him away, feeling the sudden nausea dying out. Giving herself a few moments before she moved, Amber took herself to the sink. Turning the tap on full, she blasted the disgusting taste away with the cold water before wiping the back of her hand across her lips and turning to him. “Don’t you dare think this is what I want!” Her tone was menacing, heightened with anger at his insinuation, “You got the fucking good end of this bargain and I got absolutely nothing but promises.” Her eyes rose, meeting the green orbs that drew her in, brain washed her, made her thoughtless. However, tonight she was going to be strong. “I spent four days in bed after you left because I felt like more of me had gone than anything else. You left, you fucking forget me and I’m supposed to be able to plaster a smile on my face and get on with it.”

“I’m sure Ethan was more than happy to fill my space,” he said the words before he could stop the collateral damage and the look that lanced across her face told him he had done so much wrong. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m tired from work all day, travelling, and arguing.” He applied thick emphasis on that word. “I came back to apologise, not get us into deeper shit!”

“I asked you a simple question,” she started to speak, her tone barely there. “I thought I was your home, Connor. You always said that with me you were home, but you’ve made it abundantly clear that it was all a lie.”

“It wasn’t,” he spoke through gritted teeth.

She scoffed and bit her lip as she rolled her eyes, only allowing the tears to go so far as to make her eyes glisten. “You know, once upon a time I would have believed that. Right now, I’m at a crossroads and all I can see is that you already prefer your life away from me, Connor, and let me tell you now, you’re not doing a lot to convince me otherwise.” She then flicked her eyes to his again, her anger beginning to burn, “As for Ethan, he’s the one that pulled my arse out of bed and got me back into the land of the living before I made myself a permanent home in the bed we used to share!”

“Are you deliberately trying to make me feel bad? Make me feel awful?” he challenged her, a hand brushing across his brow as if to work out the tension of a headache.

“Is it working?” she bit back.

“Yes,” he told her and took in a calming breath. “What is it you want from me, Amber? I stopped a business meeting to get here and you’re acting like an ungrateful bitch because I had to spend time getting into the throes of work. You told me you understood.”

“I do understand!” she snapped at him again. “What I don’t understand is how I can be the one that puts all of the damn effort in and you can’t even spare me a few minutes when you wake up in the morning, or a spare few minutes before you go to bed! I’d rather have short and snappy calls with you than none at all! Hell, ring me when dinner’s cooking or the TV’s showing adverts. Don’t pick me up and drop me as and when you so please. I am not your fucking toy!”

“You are when you
wanna be,” he told her, daring to give her a playful grin, praying it would just snap the bad aura from her around her.

This time Amber rubbed her forehead, “That’s not fair to use against me. There’s a lot more at stake right now, more emotions here and you don’t seem to care one bit about them, or me.” She then took a shuddering breath before continuing, “So if you want to end this and just stick in London with your new home, tell me. Don’t string me along with lie after fucking lie! Don’t tell me you love me, miss me, whatever. Just don’t bother to lie to me anymore!”

“I didn’t lie to you!” he bellowed at her, stalking towards her so fast he watched her flinch, readying for the outcome – whatever that may be.

She backed up until she felt the countertop dig into her back. "What do you want, Connor?" she asked him as his mouth was inches from hers. She was scared, seriously scared at his new controlling, aggressive behaviour towards her.

"You," he whispered against her mouth and kissed her softly, but she couldn't let him continue, she would be weak again then. Using all her strength she pushed against his pecs and watched as he stumbled backwards startled at what she did.

Letting out an exasperated groan he shook his head at her. Holding up his hands in defeat he felt a pang of hurt as she rejected him.

"You've changed, girl. It was me and you against the world when I left, now you're just losing it." He turned away from her and opened up the fridge to look for some substance of alcohol. He pulled out a can of beer and pulled the can open. He drank the can all in one as Amber observed him.

"I've changed?" she asked when he'd finished his drink. "I've changed?" she repeated herself, her hand pointing to her chest. She pulled the hair band from her wrist and tied her hair up into a messy bun. "I've been here, for over a week, alone after spending every waking moment with you, Connor. I spent my Wednesday going to the cinema with you on buy one get one free. I spent my Fridays lazed out on the sofa with you as we ordered Chinese and watched a stupid film.
And our Sundays that we spent walking through the park in the cold together. Those memories have haunted me all week, yet here you are telling me that I've changed." Nodding her head at her words she gave in. "You know where the door is, Con," she whispered as tears flooded her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere, Amber," he moved toward her his fingers desperate to touch her pale skin. She snapped her head up to look at the man who came here for her yet to accuse her of wanting to break up and that she's changed.

"I feel used, Con," she said through a sigh and dropped her head, her hands spread at each side of her on the countertop. "You just appeared and 'fucked me' in a dirty alleyway in Leeds town frigging centre, then say I've changed and accusing me of wanting to break up. You've dug yourself a real big hole, babe." Biting hard on her bottom lip she shook her head through a forced smile.

"I came here to see you, Amber. Please don't ruin it. I don't know when I'll see your beautiful face again. It's me and you, Amber. We promised each other," he couldn't help the well up of tears beckoning at the dam inside of him. Just the thought of not being around her hurt him. "I'm sorry, Amber.  I guess I'm subconsciously pushing you away because I'm no longer around you. I'm no longer in your arms at night. I can't look after you. It fucking kills me that Ethan fucking Mitchell is looking after you more than I am. I can't stand it, Amber. I can't stand being away from your beautiful face. It kills me that the calls end so quickly. Every time I get a text from you it lights up my day. You don't understand what you are to me; I thought we figured this out, baby. You're the one.
My whole life, Amber. Please just let me in. I'm sorry for pushing you away. Just don't leave me please." Pleading with her seemed to work as she fell against him and let his arms snake around her back.

Breathing in the smell of the man she loved, she finally felt sated for the first time since he left. However, the sobriety was killing her here as it ebbed in by the second. She pushed him away, “Then
prove it.” Her eyes gazed him, daring her, “Prove it to me that everything I am thinking is a lie and you do still want me, because believe me, right now, your words mean the world to me, but in the morning, they’ll be futile again.”

“I can’t win can I?” Connor asked her, his tone biting at the bare edges of aggression. “I came here off my own back and you want proof?”

Amber laughed, “Wow, way to make a girl feel worthless!”

“You know what, I know you when you’re drunk, and you have never, ever been this irrational,” Connor pointed out, stating facts. “What is wrong with you? I feel like we’re back and forth here,
Amb!”

“You’re
what’s wrong with me!” she screamed at him, the fat, pearly tears falling now from her eyes. “Can’t you see that I fell in love with you, Connor? You got under my skin and you made me feel loved and special and I fell! I fucking fell so hard in love with you that I hate knowing you’re over two hundred miles away from me and we’re only down a week!” She put her hands on her head and breathed out in frustration, “You’re making it so easy to feel crazy right now and I don’t even think you see half of this from my side.”

“I understand how irrational you’re being!” Connor snapped and approached her, grabbing her arms to shake her awake. “I’m here because like you I fell in love! You make me so damn crazy that I fuck up. You’re always on my mind. That smile, the way you bite your lip when
you’re nervous, the seduction you give whenever you look at me. Fuck, Amber, the way you always push your hair up into that messy bun and it still looks perfect.” He allowed his head to lean forward, heaving a little on every ebb of emotion that thrashed through his pulsing veins. He spoke as he slowly raised his head to face her, “No one compares to you. I’ll admit London is full of beautiful women, but there is something missing from them all.”

“The Yorkshire accent,” she joked, giving a coarse, almost fake laugh.

Connor chuckled gently but shook his head. “That’s not it. They’re just simply not you.”

“If we’re like this a week in, what are we going to be like
by week ten?” she asked, her eyes watering again, becoming painful with the sudden on and off set of tears. “I don’t want to feel like this for twenty weeks, Connor. It’ll break me.”

“It’ll break me too, but you know we’re worth this bit of heartache. You know we need to struggle a little to make this more enduring,” his words flowed out like water; he was bleeding his heart and soul to her, trying to keep her hanging onto this relationship. “I just need to know that you are willing to just stay strong, Amber. I need you to see that we’re worth it because I know one thing for sure,” he trailed off, his gaze locking hers tightly.

“What’s that?” she asked, gulping a little as she feared the next line that would escape Connor’s lips.

Connor’s lips spread into a massive teeth baring grin, “I love you so much I can see forever with you, Amber Watson.”