Zenith Rising (29 page)

“You couldn’t have known what was wrong with
Tamira. I did. Although I didn’t see any of this coming. I was
jealous. All of this was because I was jealous of her having your
baby. That’s it. That’s why I got so upset. Not because of how you
handled it or even that it happened. I was mad, no, furious, to
think she would become a part of your life, and have your baby. It
wasn’t your fault. Or mine. It was a medical condition of a
confused, unbalanced girl. It wasn’t us.”

Spencer stared at her. “Get real! If it
wasn’t this, it would have been that; and we’d be done no matter
what.”

She met his gaze and held it for a long,
poignant pause, then she whispered, “That’s the thing, we’re not
done. We’re just beginning.”

He shuddered at her words, and physically
pushed her away from him. She bit her lip in frustration, annoyed
by his pushing and pulling of her. But… his hands were still on her
waist.

“The last thing I ever want is to be tied to
anyone, ever. This pregnancy thing just reinforced what I don’t
want. And that includes you.”

“No, I’m the exception to your defenses, to
your loner tendency. You do want me, despite what you perceive as
why you shouldn’t, or can’t.”

“I’m rejecting you now. Take the hint.”

She nodded her head and put her hands over
his, which were wrapped around her waist. “Then take your hands off
me. If you take your hands off me, I’m going to turn around and
walk out of here, and out of your life for good. I mean it. You
either commit to me or let me go. Your choice. The thing is: I
don’t believe you. Not for one second. You can’t let me go; and you
damn well know it. But if I’m so wrong about you, and about us,
then prove it. Let me go.”

His fingers dug into her skin as he flexed
his fingers in reaction to her words. His jaw worked furiously back
and forth. He stared at her long and hard. Still… he didn’t remove
his hands. He was contemplating it; the desire to run from her was
very strong. She only hoped the desire to be with her was greater.
His eyes were dark and solemn, nearly sparking with anger. Still,
his hands didn’t move. He didn’t even seem to breathe.

Whatever he did next would constitute the end
or the beginning of them. She felt his hands tightening around her,
as he pulled her closer to him. It was exactly an inch. Spencer
moved her an inch closer to him. She let out a deep sigh of relief.
He gave her an inch! To anyone else, it would mean nothing; with
Spencer it was a major milestone. Something she was pretty sure he
hadn’t given anyone else, ever before. Her posture sagged against
him and she closed the gap between them completely, as his arms
tightened around her.

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Stand up to me. No one else can. Most people
would have run away, cowering.”

She leaned back and brushed a hand through
his hair. “Maybe you should be asking yourself why you want to make
everyone run away, cowering from you. Besides, I’m not
everyone.”

“I know. I know that.”

Erica eased back. “Then just accept it. I’m
not going anywhere.”

“Why? Why aren’t you going anywhere? Why
would you want to put up with me? I’m just trying to save you the
time and energy that would be wasted on me.”

“Let me decide what I waste it on. And you?
You’re not a waste of time or energy in any way. You think that,
not me.”

Spencer tried to turn away from her, and
regain his equilibrium. Her heart squeezed as she looked at his
shoulders, and the way his body twisted around. He nearly wanted to
hide from her, he was so shaken by their exchange. Her heart lifted
and swelled as she watched him. God, she was so in love with him.
In a way she couldn’t remember ever feeling before. Really, after
all these years, and more than decades of dating, she had finally
fallen in love. She let a long breath out. She was scared, even
terrified of the feeling, and mostly scared of the man whom she
felt it for. Every logical reason why she and Spencer were a bad
fit swam through her brain. Still, there it was; this undeniable
feeling of deep, drowning love for this man before her.

“Spencer?”

“What?” he asked, his face still hidden from
her.

“Why don’t we go to dinner tonight?”

He whipped his gaze to hers and his eyes
widened. “Dinner?”

“Yeah, dinner. Like a date. You have been on
a date before, haven’t you?”

His lips lifted up in one corner. “Of course,
I’ve been on a date before. Most girls take at least that much
work.”

“I wasn’t even that much work for you, was
I?”

He straightened and walked over to flick his
music off. “Yeah, right. That’s what I was thinking, how easy you
are.”

“This thing with us is going to require some
effort on your part. I’m only understanding to a point. There’s a
learning curve I’ll give you for this; but don’t push it, or me
much more.”

“Learning curve for what?”

“For this, our relationship. For letting
someone within five feet of you, you know beyond sex, that is.”

“Relationship,” he said more to himself, than
to her. She swallowed a smile. Who knew it was such a strange and
foreign word?

“Well? Dinner?”

“Sure. Fine. You’re here, why not?”

“Is it any wonder I am? With such effusive
charm like yours, how could a girl resist?”

His shoulders finally eased, and he laughed.
“Yeah, but you can’t, can you?”

“Joke’s on you, because you can’t resist
either.”

Chapter Nineteen

“So… do you have any brothers or
sisters?”

They were seated at a little bistro,
candlelight flickering between them, and the table set on a
checkered, red-and-white tablecloth. It was so normal and
date-like, Erica almost pinched herself to be sure it was real. It
was actually happening. With Spencer.

“What?” he asked, his face buried in the
menu.

“Siblings, do you have any?”

He waited and tapped his fingers before
finally looking at her around his menu. His hair was combed nicely
after he showered, shaved, and put on a pair of dark slacks and a
white shirt. He looked great; but still, the strain was irrefutable
between them.

After some time, he answered. “No. I don’t
have any.”

She waited. Nothing more. He returned to the
menu.

“Gee, Erica, do you have brothers? A sister,
perhaps? Well, as a matter as a fact, since you asked, I do. One of
each.”

Spencer set the menu down and she had his
full attention now. “What was that?”

“That was me having a conversation with
myself. That’s how it happens; I ask, you answer, and here’s the
hard part, then it goes vice versa. You ask me and just pretend you
actually want to get to know me.”

His mouth tightened as he sheepishly nodded.
“All right. Sorry. So, you have one of each?”

“Yes. Twins. They’re almost a full ten years
younger than me.”

He flinched.
Why?
Was it that painful
to be with her? And talk to her? To get to know her? She sighed and
snapped her menu shut. “Forget it. I can’t force you to want to be
here. I can’t force you to want to be with me either. Or interest
you in getting to know me. But neither can I pretend I don’t want
to do just that. I require casual conversation from my partner. And
you don’t. This obviously can’t work.”

She started to rise and was halfway up when
he grabbed her hand.

“Stay. I do want to know you. I do want to be
with you. I just haven’t done that before. And the casual ease with
which you let people learn about you, is totally foreign to me. I
don’t tell anyone, not even Rob, about any stuff. No matter how
insignificant. So I don’t know how to do it yet, but I’m trying to
learn. I will. Learning curve… remember?”

She hesitated and slowly lowered her butt
back into the seat. She looked deeply into his eyes as she tapped
her fingers on the table. “Okay. It’s a learning curve. Why don’t
you tell me something about yourself then?”

He cleared his throat, visibly becoming
anxious. “Like what?”

She rolled her eyes and let out an
exaggerated sigh. “Whatever! Your favorite color. What kind of pets
you had as a kid. How about your middle name? Just pick whatever
you want to talk about and tell me.”

“Red; never had a pet; Martin.”

She smiled and leaned against the back of her
chair. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

He sat back with a smile too. “No, it wasn’t
as bad as I expected.”

The waiter came and they ordered. She
listened to the soft plinks of the live piano player. She nodded at
the piano player while asking Spencer, “Why don’t you get a job
doing that, playing music at restaurants, or anywhere?”

He snorted. “Yeah, just what I always dreamed
of.”

She tilted her head at him. “What do you
dream of then?”

“I don’t. I stopped dreaming. Now, I survive.
I work. I pay bills.”

She pressed her lips together. He always
insisted upon bringing up the darkness. “You should dream… about
playing music. And about
Zenith
. And yourself. You know how
to play music so effortlessly, so play it! Does it really matter if
it’s for ten people, or ten thousand? You’re playing music and
doing something you love. You’ve already stated more than once that
you hate your job, so how could playing piano in a restaurant like
this be any worse? At least, you like music.”

“Why don’t I? Because that would be admitting
to the world that I’m terrible. If I don’t play, it’s my choice;
but if I play at little dives, and other nothing places, then I’m
nothing.”

“No! You’re not nothing! No matter what you
choose to do and I must challenge your theory. I get that you
wanted
Zenith
to be big and more than it was. But just
because that didn’t happen doesn’t mean the music was bad or that
you can’t play… Nor does it mean
Zenith
still can’t make it
big. Few people have a crowd of spectators watching them do their
jobs. Some people work for themselves, earning money, at the
careers they love. You can also earn money doing something that you
love, so do it, whether or not the critical acclaim you seek ever
arrives.”

“Easy for you to say; you’re a damn doctor.
How can this ever work? Are you going to introduce me to your
friends and family as ‘your handyman,’ or better yet, ‘the piano
player in nothing restaurants.’ I don’t see that happening.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “You
know, Roy had the same problem with me.”

“What problem?”

“I make more money than he does. I am also
better at my job than he is. I always received more respect in our
medical circles than he did. I am sure he hated me sometimes. He
always called me a real ‘ball buster’.”

He eyed her and asked, “What kind of
reputation do you have?”

She chewed her lip and paused before letting
him have it. “Sterling. My reputation is sterling. I give lectures
on women’s issues; and there’s a waiting list for my engagements.
So I’m not only a doctor, Spencer, I am excellent in my field. I’m
the one who gets called to do the most difficult, delicate,
pre-natal surgeries. Why do you think I hardly have time to date? I
can’t spare the time. I can’t dedicate enough time and energy that
most men want in a girlfriend. So if you have any kind of
personality complex about me, there isn’t anything I can say or do
to ease it. I’m rich, as in heiress rich. My annual salary is no
more than peanuts to me. I never even glance at it. I have
financial planners, lawyers, and accountants who handle all of
that. So there it is. I’m smart, successful, and a workaholic. My
practice is me, and I am my practice. That won’t change no matter
what happens in my personal life. It’s already ended more than one
relationship I tried to have. The only man who never got
intimidated or the slightest bit resentful of my money, my career,
and the person I am in general, was Nick. That’s why I stayed with
Nick for so long. He had family money like me, and is successful,
as well as a workaholic in his own right. He didn’t want me in his
life anymore than I wanted him in mine. We had a mutual respect of
space going on with each other.”

Spencer didn’t speak for a moment. “Now I
know why Roy hated Nick so much. What do you see in me then? I’m
such a loser, and so lacking in any accomplishments that you think
I won’t care?”

Their dinner was served. Erica waited for the
steaming plate to be set down, and salt and peppered before she
could gather her thoughts. What was her answer as to whether or not
she had a future with Spencer?

“What do I see in you? I see a man who
usually scares the living daylights out of me.”

“I scare you still?”

“Not like Spike scared me. More like, holy
shit, I might not get over you. Ever. Look, the point of this
conversation is learning about you, not me. I don’t think you
really want to know how I feel about you. The issue isn’t about how
I see you, or comparing our jobs. It’s what you think of yourself.
Do me a favor and try to remember that: your job title is important
to you, not me. However, if I had a problem with it, I wouldn’t be
here. And I’m here.”

He leaned back in his chair, assessing her.
“You’re here. But for how long?”

“Ask yourself that before you ask me. Don’t
be such a hypocrite. You must know that I’m far more likely to
stick with this relationship than you are. Answer me this: why
don’t you play piano anymore?”

Spencer sighed, but she raised her eyebrows,
warning him that he’d better answer her.

“Because it quit being fun.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. For a long time, it was my escape. It
used to remind me that I was more than the nothing my life was.
Then after
Zenith
went south, and everything along with it,
it stopped being my escape, just an unwelcome reminder. And now
that it’s all failed, it’s just crap.”