150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (37 page)

The Crappies

The Special PT Barnum Memorial Award goes to …
Producer Jack Forrest for making a movie titled
Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory
where the werewolf never makes it into the girls' dormitory.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Richard Benson for failing to recognize that his film needed girl-on-werewolf action.

They Really Said It!

Julian Olcott
: I was successful with the extract from the brain of a wolf, while I was experimenting on [a patient]. One night, she gave herself an overdose. Perhaps I made it too strong. And the police then accused me of killing her.

Betcha Didn't Know

German actor Curt Lowens made a steady career of appearing in cheap horror and sci-fi films starting in the 1950s and continuing through the late 1990s, including a number of productions from B movie mogul Charles Band.

Polish-born actress Barbara Lass was married to disgraced director and convicted child rapist Roman Polanski from 1959 to 1963.

Trivia Quiz

Maurice Marsac is best known for playing what character, again and again?

A: A French waiter or maitre d'

B: A British nobleman with a fondness for fondling wayward girls

C: A NASA scientist or administrator

D: A pirate

Answer: A. Marsac played these roles well over twenty times. His first time was in the 1944 comedy
Our Hearts Were Young and Gay.

PRODUCER
Sam Katzman

WRITERS
Raymond T. Marcus (script), George Plympton (story)

DIRECTOR
Edward L. Cahn

STARS
Gregg Palmer (
Jeff Clark
), Autumn Russell (
Jan Peters
), Allison Hayes (
Mona Harrison
), Joel Ashley (
George Harrison
), Marjorie Eaton (
Grandma Peters
), and Morris Ankrum (
Dr. Jonathan Eggert
)

A group of callous treasure hunters and the residents of an isolated African farm are beset by swimming zombies protecting a treasure trove of cursed diamonds.

Why It Sucks

Even with swimming zombies, it's a shaky script being performed by a cast who are devoid of any actual talent. The idea of underwater zombie attacks is cool, but it would have been cooler if they'd look believable. Or maybe underwater zombies dry immediately upon exiting the water?

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actress Award goes to …
Allison Hayes for giving such a wooden performance that when she's zombified, you can't tell the difference.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Edward L. Cahn for not even sprinkling water on the supposedly water-born zombies when they're on dry land. Not to mention having them sleeping in coffins on dry land during the day.

They Really Said It!

Mona
: Do you believe in the walking dead, Dr. Eggert?

Dr. Eggert
: All I know is what I've read.

Jeff
: What does it say in the books, Doc? Are they supposed to be good swimmers?

Betcha Didn't Know

Before George Romero made
Night of the Living Dead
, the zombies featured in this film were the standard pop culture version, as established in the 1932 film
White Zombie
. Well, aside from the whole swimming thing.

Unlike many early (and even some contemporary) zombie films, the living dead are there from the beginning. One is run over by a car in the first ten minutes of the film.

Trivia Quiz

Bela Lugosi appeared both in Universal's classic
Dracula
and in the first-ever zombie movie
White Zombie
. What else do those two classic films have in common?

A: Both take place in England

B: Both take place in Haiti

C: Both were directed by Tod Browning

D: Many of the same set pieces appear in both films.

Answer: D. Low-budget director Victor Halperin shot
White Zombie
on many of the same sets that had been used for
Dracula.

Popular culture is often specific to the society that creates it. That is very plain in many films from China, Japan, and Korea that have been showing up in video stores and on late-night television since the 1980s. Even if you carefully follow the subtitles, you often find yourself baffled and doubting if you really read what you think you read, or saw what you think you saw. This is often even more true if a film is dubbed. In the pages that follow are a dozen or so films that illustrate there are many things that come from Asian culture that make even less sense than feng shui.

PRODUCERS
Masaichi Nagata (executive producer), Hidemasa Nagata and Sandy Frank (producers)

WRITER
Fumi Takahashi

DIRECTOR
Noriaki Yuasa

STARS
Christopher Murphy (
Tom
), Yuko Hamada (
Kuniko
), Nobuhiro Kajima (
Aiko
), Miyuki Akiyama (
Tomoko
), Reiko Kasahara (
Flobella
), Hiroko Kei (
Barbella
), and Kon Omura (
Officer Kondo
)

When two boys (Hamada and Murphy) are abducted by aliens, it's Gamera to the rescue! But will even the mighty Gamera be able to defeat the evil space babes (Kasahara and Akiyama) and the horrible Guiron?!

Why It Sucks

It's a movie about monster turtle that is propelled through space by rockets up its butt. That's for a start. And then we have the pair of plucky youngsters. And a couple of evil vixens in tight clothes … who want to eat the kids' brains for lunch. Actually, there's something here for everyone: the kids can watch the kids, Mom can watch the giant flying turtle do Olympic gymnastics, and Dad can watch the vixens. You can't say that's not family entertainment!

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Acting Award goes to …
The anonymous voice actor who dubbed Officer Kondo in the American version. “Effeminate” is almost too mild a word.

And the Special Award for Explaining the Facts of Life goes to …
Screenwriter Fumi Takahashi for telling a story spotlighting what all adolescent boys suspect about girls: sexy chicks might as well eat our brains because they make us stupid.

They Really Said It!

Akio
: Let's make the Earth a great place to live, without war and traffic accidents.

Betcha Didn't Know

Although created by a rival studio to capitalize on the success and popularity of Godzilla, Gamera survived the bankruptcy of his original owners and is nearly Godzilla's equal on the pop culture scene.

The original actor who played Gamera remains anonymous to this day.

Trivia Quiz

What does the Japanese word
kaiju
decribe?

A: “Strange beast,” it refers to films featuring creatures like Gamera.

B: “Strange men,” it refers to adults who like movies made for kids.

C: “Strange turtle,” it is a nickname for Gamera.

D:
Kaiju
is the name of the Japanese alphabet.

Answer: A. The phrase can also be translated as “strange monster.”

PRODUCERS
Haruki Kadokawa (executive producer), Izumi Toyoshima, and Masao Sato (producers)

WRITER
Ei Ogawa (script), Kazetaro Yamada (original novel)

DIRECTOR
Mitsumasa Saito

STARS
Hiroyuki Sanada (
Jotaro
), Noriko Watanabe (
Kagaribi/Lady
Ukyo
), Akira Nakao (
Matsunaga Danjo
), Jun Miho (
Isaribi
), Mikio Narita (
Kashin
), Noboru Matsuhashi (
Miyoshi
), Hiroshi Tanaka (
Hanzo Hattori
), and Sonny Chiba (
Shinzaemon Yagyu
)

A Japanese feudal warlord (Nakao) allies with a demon (Narita) and the five monks in his service after it is prophesized that if he wins the heart of a beautiful princess (Watanabe), he will someday rule the world. To ensure their success, the demon monks kidnap the princess's virginal twin sister (also Watanabe). But they didn't take her fellow ninja and sweetheart Jotaro (Sanada) into account.

Why It Sucks

Actually the plot's got a lot more wild twists and turns than the summary above would imply. It's got all the elements of high fantasy with romance, spectacular battles, evil magic applied in bizarre ways. It's got pure-hearted virgins, brave ninjas, honorless nobles, and samurai who are more than what they seem. And it's got countless extreme and over-the-top moments when you'll say, “No … they didn't just do
that
, did they?!”

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Achievement Award in Unexpected Plot Twists Award
goes to …
Ei Ogawa and Kazetaro Yamada for suddenly beheading a main character halfway through the film.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Mitsumasa Saito, who feels we can't remember something we sat through ten minutes ago without a flashback to remind us.

They Really Said It!

Devil Monk
: Oh yes. We must have the most famous spider tea kettle.

Betcha Didn't Know

Many of the heroes and villains featured in this film are loosely (one assumes loosely, unless seventeenth-century Japan was a very, very strange place) based on historical figures and events.

Hanzo Hattori is a well-known hero in Japan. Train stations and other landmarks bear his name.

Trivia Quiz

How did the historical figure Matsunaga Danjo meet his end?

A: He drowned while bathing drunk on sake.

B: He committed seppuku while enemy troops stormed his castle, and his severed head was tied to a tea kettle and blown up so that it could not be displayed as a trophy.

C: He choked on his own vomit (or possibly suffocated on vomit spewed by demon monks).

D: He slipped on icy stairs while chasing his mistress in a fit of passion.