150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (54 page)

STARS
Wendell Corey (
Holman
), John Carradine (
Dr. DeMarco
), Joan Patrick (
Janine Norwalk
), Tura Satana (
Satana
), and Rafael Campos (
Juan
)

A disgraced NASA researcher (Carradine) trying to create the perfect astronaut uses dead bodies, hi-tech, and radio waves. He also employs the brain of a homicidal maniac for one of this creations, and (surprise!) it runs amok. A sinister Mexican spy ring dispatches sultry psycho Satana (Satana) to secure the zombie for their use as a super-soldier. Meanwhile, the Astro-Zombie is stalking a beautiful nurse (Patrick) ….

Why It Sucks

The Astro-Zombies
mixes all sorts of genres into a wild B movie stew. It offers action, spy versus spy intrigue, blood and guts … everything but competent filmmaking. A weak script, bland camerawork, flat direction, and an excess of padding make this film excruciating, despite all the plots and subplots and characters crammed into it.

Carradine putters around his lab for what seems like hours. There are long stretches of badly delivered expository dialogue. And then we're back to Carradine puttering.

Thumbs Down:

The Crappies

The Worst Auteur Award goes to …
Ted V. Mikels for not having the sense to make a movie that fit the length of the material. Nothing sends an already borderline effort into the Suck Zone like stretching it to fit a particular running time.

And the Worst Title Design Award goes to …
Ted V. Mikels for the not-so-thrilling opening credits sequence. Battling toy robots. I mean, come on!

They Really Said It!

Satana
: There's a certain look men get just before they die.

Betcha Didn't Know

Cowriter and executive producer Wayne Rogers starred as Trapper John on the television series
M.A.S.H
.

Ted V. Mikels wrote and directed a sequel to
The Astro-Zombies
in 2002 titled
Mark of the Astro-Zombies
. This sequel is
not
an improvement on the original.

Trivia Quiz

Who played Dr. DeMarco in
Mark of the Astro-Zombies
(2002)?

A: John Carradine

B: Wayne Rogers

C: Ted V. Mikels

D: Robert James Taylor

Answer: D. Robert James Taylor took over the role originally played by John Carradine. The latter had died in 1988. Taylor actually attempted to imitate Carradine's voice, which was remarkably unsuccessful.

PRODUCERS
Brian E. Morey (executive producer) and Matt Jaissle (producer)

WRITER
Matt Jaissle

DIRECTOR
Matt Jaissle

STARS
Shawn Scarbrough (
Father Aaron
), Larry DuBois (
Jack
), Don Ruem (
Satan
), and Matt Hundley (
Azzagras, High Priest of Satan
)

Jack (DuBois), an actor who sold his soul for Hollywood stardom, renegs on the deal with Satan (Ruem) and finds himself under the effects of a terrible curse. He turns to his childhood friend, Aaron (Scarbrough), now a priest, hoping not only to free himself from the curse, but also to stop the coming demonic conquest of the world.

Why It Sucks

Back From Hell
features a good idea — an actor who is cursed to inspire homicidal rage in anyone who looks into his eyes — but that's watered down by the addition of an insipid “demons are going to conquer the world” storyline. And then there's the badly written dialogue delivered by actors who are outstanding in their lack of talent. Larry DuBois would barely be believable as a porn star, let alone a Hollywood leading man. The music sounds like it was stolen from the garbage cans outside John Carpenter's office.

Thumbs Down:

The Crappies

The Worst Cinematography Award goes to …
Matt Jaissle for failing to realize that camera angles are important when filming stage fighting. As it is, the actors look like they're eleven-year-olds playing in the backyard.

And the Worst Sound Editing Award goes to …
Matt Jaissle for such poor Foley work and mixing that he might have set a new low for filmmaking, surpassing even
Heaven's Gate
.

They Really Said It!

Father Aaron
: Tell Satan I said, “Kiss my black ass!”

Betcha Didn't Know

In 1997, Matt Jaissle won the Film of the Year Award from the Miami Horror Film Festival for
The Necro Files
. That appears to be the only year there
was
a Miami Horror Film Festival.

This is the only film (at least the only one I can find) in which a priest is literally touched by the Bible. A demonic hand comes out of it and grabs Father Aaron's crotch.

Trivia Quiz

What does a Foley artist do?

A: Designs the lighting of movie sets

B: Loads film into cameras

C: Creates special makeup effects

D: Engineers many of the common sounds heard in movies, such as doors opening and closing.

Answer: D. The name “Foley” comes from Jack Foley, a pioneering sound engineer who helped Universal Pictures make a hugely successful transition from silent films to talkies.