150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (53 page)

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Achievement in the Area of Distorted Family Values Award goes to …
Scriptwriters Iain Cassie and Robert Smith and storywriters Harry Bromley Davenport and Michel Parry for a tale of disturbing perversions of the parent/child relationship.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Harry Bromley Davenport for not knowing when to quit. Why do so many directors insist on milking the hell out of scenes? They just spoil a good thing.

They Really Said It!

Rachael
[upon noticing a bloody smear on the front door]: Sam, someone's been here!

Betcha Didn't Know

Xtro
was one of seventy-four films on a list drawn up in 1983 by Great Britain's Director of Public Prosecutions as being so perverse and obscene that they might violate British law. (It was later dropped from the list.)

The movie was followed by two sequels, neither of which have anything to do with the plot of this film or each other.

Trivia Quiz

In what James Bond movie did Maryam d'Abo appear?

A:
A View to a Kill
(1985)

B:
Golden Eye
(1995)

C:
The Living Daylights
(1987)

D:
Octopussy
(1983)

Answer: C. In
The Living Daylights
d'Abo played Kara Milovy, a professional cellist who moonlights as a sniper.

I've been hardened by decades of bad-movie watching. But even I almost could not sit through the movies in this chapter. (In fact, I am not too proud to admit that
Oasis of the Zombies
almost got the best of me.) So test your mettle. Watch all the films in this chapter. If you get through them, you'll be able to count yourself among the best of those who love the worst. You'll also have some genuine benchmarks to evaluate the accuracy of that most-often-misapplied label “worst movie ever.”

PRODUCERS
Uwe Boll and Wolfgang Herold (executive producers), Shawn Williamson (producer)

WRITERS
Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, and Peter Scheerer

DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll

STARS
Christian Slater (
Edward Carnby
), Stephen Dorff (
Richard Burke
), and Tara Reid (
Aline Cedrac
)

Edward Carnby (Slater) is a paranormal investigator trying to unlock a mystery in his past that is somehow tied to a mysterious prehistoric culture. He is on the verge of finding his answers when a series of events involving invisible monsters, his girlfriend (Reid), symbiot-infected government agents, and a bitter coworker (Dorff) from the government's paranormal research branch erupt.

Why It Sucks

This movie starts with one of the dullest bits of exposition to ever open a big-budget horror film and it doesn't get much better.

There's no character development, no logic, and the plot is so halfbaked it doesn't even feel as if they stuck it in the oven. For extra suck, the creatures look exactly like what they are: computergenerated animations.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch, and Peter Scheerer for creating the most incompetent monster-fighting government agency ever. The creatures in the film are vulnerable to light. Private citizens can rent portable light towers with gas or battery-powered generators. But the hi-tech, paramilitary Department 713 can't find any. I dunno. Maybe Haliburton was in charge of their procurement process.

And the Worst Special-Effects Award goes to …
Peter Giliberti, lead animator, for computer-generated critters and effects so badly done that most of the $10 million-plus that was spent on them must have gone to hookers and blow.

They Really Said It!

Edward Carnby
: Fear is what protects you from the things you don't believe in.

Betcha Didn't Know

Director Uwe Boll blames the failure of this movie on actress Tara Reid. He has been quoted in interviews saying that he regrets not firing her and replacing her with an unknown actress.

Boll stated that this film taught the importance of starting with a good script when making a movie. His films since show no sign that he took this lesson to heart.

Trivia Quiz

What unusual publicity stunt did Uwe Boll orchestrate
during production of his 2008 comedy
Postal?

A: He placed a bounty on Osama bin Laden.

B: He challenged film critics who have slammed his films to face him in a boxing ring.

C: He joined peace protests in Seattle, Washington.

D: He attempted to stow away on Air Force One.

Answer: B. Boll challenged his harshest critics to face him in a Las Vegas boxing match. It was originally stated the resulting footage of Boll beating the crap out of his critics would be included in
Postal
(2008), but it ultimately ended up only as a bonus feature on the DVD release.

PRODUCERS
Diane Hendricks and Myrna Sokoloff (executive producers), Stephen McEveety, John Shepherd, and David Zucker (producers)

WRITERS
David Zucker, Lewis Friedman, and Myrna Sokoloff

DIRECTOR
David Zucker

STARS
Kevin Farley (
Michael Malone
), Kelsey Grammer (
General Patton
), Robert Davi (
Aziz
), Geoffrey Arend (
Mohammed
), Serdar Kalsin (
Ahmed
), Chriss Anglin (
John F. Kennedy
), Trace Adkins (
Death
), and Jon Voigt (
George Washington
)

Left-wing, America-hating, self-absorbed filmmaker Michael Malone (Farley) starts a movement to outlaw the Fourth of July. He attracts the attention of Taliban terrorist leader Aziz (Davi), who under the pretense of funding Malone's first feature film, wants to use him to stage a massive Fourth of July suicide bombing attack. The spirits of great American leaders General George S. Patton (Grammer), George Washington (Voigt), and John F. Kennedy (Anglin) visit him in dreams in an attempt to change his heart toward love of his country.

Why It Sucks

David Zucker and his co-creators got so wrapped up in this diatribe against liberal Hollywood that they forgot to take their script past the draft. The film consists of little more than half-baked insults directed at Michael Moore and other left-wingers that are passed off as jokes. The script doesn't even adhere to the structure of
A Christmas Carol
, (something pretty big in a film titled
An American Carol
). Unlike Scrooge, who had a change of heart and started using his wealth and power for good once he returned firmly to the real world, Malone apparently remains in the dreamworld of truth-revealing ghosts, making his transformation meaningless.

The Crappies

The Worst Script Award goes to …
David Zucker, Lewis Fried-man, and Myrna Sokoloff for either being so lazy or incompetent that they couldn't figure out how to properly template their film with
A Christmas Carol
.

And the Worst Actor Award goes to …
Dennis Hopper for his cameo role as a gun-toting, judge-fighting, mindless ACLU zombie.

His performance is so flat and uninspired that he makes the already bad dialogue seem even worse.

They Really Said It!

Mohammed
: It is getting harder to recruit suicide bombers, and all the really good ones are gone.

Betcha Didn't Know

In an article on the
Los Angeles Times
website the day the film opened, David Zucker was quoted as saying the producers chose not to have the film screened for critics since it wouldn't get a fair shake because of its political message.

The working title of the film was
Big Fat Important Movie
.

Trivia Quiz

Who Wrote
A Christmas Carol
, the literary classic this film is sloppily modeled after?

A: Bram Stoker

B: Mark Twain

C: Charles Dickens

D: Emily Brontë

Answer: C. Charles Dickens's classic tale was published in 1843.

PRODUCERS
Kenneth Altose and Wayne Rogers (executive producers), Ted V. Mikels (producer)

WRITERS
Wayne Rogers and Ted V. Mikels

DIRECTOR
Ted V. Mikels