150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (56 page)

PRODUCERS
Kazuya Hamana, Yashushi Kotani (executive producers), Takashige Ichise (producer)

WRITER
Ichiro Miyagawa

DIRECTORS
Koreyoshi Akasaka, Akira Mitsuwa, and Teruo Ishii

STARS
Ken Utusi (
Starman
), Junko Ikeuchi (
Minako Yamada
), Shoji Nakayama (
Kan Hayashi
), and Minoru Takada (
Utako Mitsuya
)

Starman (the Japanese answer to Superman) defends Earth from the disembodied alien brain of Balazar, his murderous mutant minions, and an omniscient narrator who tells viewers what's about to happen in the scene that's coming up.

Why It Sucks

Yaaaaawwwwn! Repetitive, overlong, tedious — are there any other words like that? What potential excitement isn't leeched away by the lame fight scenes is destroyed by the narrator who time and again tells us what we're about to watch until you want to jump through the screen and throttle him.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Costume Design goes to …
Whoever decided everyone in the movie should wear sinister hats and trenchcoats, whether they are plain-clothes police or the evil mutants!
And the Worst Script Award goes to …
Ichiro Miyagawa and/or the anonymous translator who outfitted the film with a narrator who spoils any plot twists or drama.

They Really Said It!

Omniscient Narrator
: So powerful was Balazar's genius that as he lay dying, his brain ordered built a mechanism, which would keep it alive even though his body was destroyed. And now Balazar's Brain seeks universal conquest!

Betcha Didn't Know

Starman's Japanese name translates into English as Super Giant. (Good thing he got renamed, because he's not particularly super nor is he much of a giant.)

Ken Utusi has been appearing on television and in movies for over fifty years. He hated the role as Starman, and refuses to talk about it to this day.

Trivia Quiz

From what does Starman get many of his amazing powers?

A: The Aerometer, the fin on his hood that lets him fly, transmit thoughts telepathically, and receive TV transmissions

B: The Globemeter, the watch on his wrist that lets him fly through space, detect radioactivity, and comprehend all languages on Earth

C: The Galactic Capelette that lets him fly through space, gives him invulnerability, and lets him impersonate any one of the Three Musketeers at will

D: Boots of the Stars, which give him invulnerability and the ability to literally leap from planet to planet (or just tall buildings in a single bound).

Answer: B. The Globemeter is almost as good as the latest Smart Phone!

PRODUCERS
Arnon Milchan (executive producer), Larry Brezner, Howard Lapides, and Lauren Lloyd (producers)

WRITERS
Tom Green and Derek Harvie

DIRECTOR
Tom Green

STARS
Tom Green (
Gordy Brody
) Marisa Coughlan (
Betty
), Rip Torn (
Jim
Brody
), and Eddie Kaye Thomas (
Freddy Brody
)

Gordy (Green) is forced to move back in with his parents after losing his job. When his parents demand he leave to find new work, he starts spreading rumors that his father (Torn) sexually abused his brother Freddy.

Why It Sucks

Ambush comedian Tom Green succeeded in making an entirely unfunny comedy. It's hard to say what anyone involved in this cinematic cow pat was thinking … if they were. The attempt to stretch brief sketch ideas where Green tormented his real parents for amusement results in a film about a completely unlikeable character who destroys his family with false accusations for no reason other than he's a jerk. The supporting cast isn't much better, although one can admire Rip Torn's character for not simply murdering his son to spare himself and the world anymore misery.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Directing Award goes to …
Tom Green, for proving, yet again, that a comedy sketch can't bear the weight of a feature film.

And the Worst Acting Award goes to …
Tom Green for his obnoxious signature character who is onscreen for virtually the entire eighty-seven-minute running time of the picture.

They Really Said It!

Betty
: You got a problem with my legs?

Jim
: No, you got a problem with your legs. It's that or you're just lazy.

Betcha Didn't Know

With a production budget of $15 million,
Freddy Got Fingered
barely managed to break even during it U.S. theatrical run.

The film was originally rated NC-17, and Green had to go back to the editing room to tone it down to get an R rating.

Trivia Quiz

What star of
Freddy Got Fingered
sued Dennis Hopper for defamation of character and won?

A: Tom Green

B: Marisa Coughlan

C: Eddie Kaye Thomas

D: Rip Torn

Answer: D. Hopper claimed, in an appearance on
The Tonight Show
, that Torn had pulled a knife on him during preproduction of
Easy Rider
. Torn sued, won, and Hopper was ordered to pay $1.5 million.

PRODUCER
Kimberley Casey

WRITERS
Thomas Baldwin and David A. Prior

DIRECTOR
David A. Prior

STARS
David Carradine (
John Tucker
), Anna Rapagna (
Marion Sims
), D.

C. Douglas (
Billy Parke
), William Zipp (
Jason Adams
), and Robert Tessier (
Becker
)

In the near future, John Tucker (Carradine) is the top officer of C.O.P.S, a privatized police force that's little more than an elaborate bounty-hunting service. When he refuses to kill a television reporter who claims she can expose corruption within the police force (Rapagna), he is targeted for death by his boss (Zipp).

Why It Sucks

The film was conceived and shot in 1989, but the future looks like 1978. The one exception to that is the dippy self-propelled flying robotic gauntlet that fires laser beams and is kept in a remotecontrolled toolbox in the back of David Carradine's car.