150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (59 page)

And the Worst Monster Award goes to …
The Killer Eye, which looks like a beach ball that someone took a paint brush to. Unconfirmed rumors hold that the eye went onto co-star with Ben Stein in commercials for Clear Eyes-brand eye drops.

They Really Said It!

Tom
: You killed my friend, you stupid bitch!

Betcha Didn't Know

Richard Chasen is a pseudonym of David DeCoteau, and Rob-ert Talbot is once again the name assumed by Charles Band.

This was the last film role for actor Blake Bailey.

Trivia Quiz

Who starred in the American remake of a Japanese horror movie about an eyeball possessed by the powers of evil?

A: Jennifer Love Hewitt

B: Sarah Michelle Gellar

C: Jessica Alba

D: Lindsay Lohan

Answer: C. Alba's
The Eye
(2008) was a remake of a 2002 Japanese horror film that has, to date, spawned two sequels. There must be a lot of evil eyeballs out there.

PRODUCER
Hans Kühle

WRITERS
David A. Frank and Phillip Gutteridge

DIRECTOR
Beau Davis

STARS
Brandon Lee (
Michael Gold
), Ernest Borgnine (
Dr. Braun
), Debi Monahan (
Alissa
), and Graham Clarke (
Col. Kalishnakov
)

It's the final decade of the Cold War. Michael (Lee) is hired by the CIA to extract a brilliant scientist (Borgnine) from a facility being guarded by incompetent Cubans in Angola. At stake: Laser weapons that can tip the balance of power.

Why It Sucks

How many viewers remember that Cuba had a significant military presence in Angola during the Cold War? How many care?

The action scenes are lame, and the “humor” would embarrass a group of fourth graders.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Stunt Coordinator Award goes to …
Paul Siebert for the fight scenes. Kids playing Cops and Robbers would seem more convincing.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Beau Davis for casting Ernest Borgnine as a brilliant Russian scientist.
Ernest Borgnine?!
Please!

They Really Said It!

Michael Gold
: I never put price tags on women. It's much more fun taking them off.

Betcha Didn't Know

Ernest Borgnine won a Best Actor Academy Award in 1955 for his starring role in
Marty
.

Director Beau Davis (better known as BJ Davis) is a lifetime Boy Scout, having earned forty-three merit badgets. He has also worked extensiely in movies as a stuntman, stunt coordinator, director, and producer.

Trivia Quiz

How did Brandon Lee die?

A: He was shot by jealous girlfriend.

B: He was in an accident while filming his last movie.

C: He overdosed.

D: He was in a plane crash.

Answer: B. Lee was shot in the back while filming
The Crow
after the crew misloaded a prop gun because they failed to consult the film's weapons coordinator.

PRODUCERS
Dwain Esper, Louis Sonney, and Hildegarde Stadie

WRITERS
Hildegarde Stadie (script), Edgar Allan Poe (original story)

DIRECTOR
Dwain Esper
Stars
Bill Woods (
Don Maxwell
), Horace B. Carpenter (
Dr. Meirschultz
), Ted Edwards (
Buckley
), Phyllis Diller (
Mrs. Buckley
), and Thea Ramsey (
Alice Maxwell
)

Don (Woods), an actor turned mad doctor's assistant, kills his boss (Carpenter) and then impersonates the doctor to cover up the crime. Things get weirder from there, including eyeball eating and zombie rape.

Why It Sucks

Here's another film supposedly based on Edgar Allan Poe's “The Black Cat” that bears next to no resemblence to the source material — except perhaps in showing a man's descent into madness. It's been more than seventy-five years since this film was unleashed upon an unsuspecting audience, and parts of it still remain startling and appalling. Of course, Esper was looking for an excuse to show the girls in their undies. The film exists to shock and outrage. It's what Esper and his creative and marital partner did with their movies.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Picture Award goes to …
Dwaine Esper and Hildegards Stadie for making a movie that just wants to provoke an extreme reaction. That was Esper's specialty, and he went noholds barred for this one. The eyeball eating and zombie rape is as gross and pointless now as it was in 1934.

The Worst Actor Award goes to …
Bill Woods, who gives hams a bad name.

They Really Said It!

Don Maxwell
: I think too much of Satan to use cats as experiments.

Betcha Didn't Know

Dwain Esper handled the distribution of this picture himself, personally taking prints from town to town, theater to theater. He used this same method when he acquired the distribution rights to MGM's controversial 1932 horror film
Freaks
, helping to earn it its legendary reputation and possibly saving it from oblivion.