150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (46 page)

The Crappies

The Special Award for Underacheivement in Costume Design goes to …
Whoever thought it was a good idea to trade Jesus's robes for jeans and a black T-shirt. Instead of looking like Jesus Christ, he instead spends most of the film looking like actor Phil Caracas.
And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Lee Demarbre for failing to properly rehearse and stage the film's fight scenes. In a movie with a kung fu fighting Jesus Christ taking on vampires, the blows should look as if they're at least connecting.

They Really Said It!

Jesus
: If I'm not back in five minutes, call the pope.

Betcha Didn't Know

Jeff Moffet is a regular in films directed by Lee Demarbre and has played masked Mexican wrestler El Santo in two other films (
Harry Knuckles and the Treasure of the Aztec Mummy
and
Harry Knuckles and the Pearl Necklace
). Phil Caracas, another Demarbre regular, starred as the title character in both films.

The New Testament is oddly silent on Jesus Christ's preferred martial arts style when fighting vampires.

Trivia Quiz

What thriller revolves around a conspiracy to conceal certain facts surrounding Jesus Christ's family?

A:
The Seventh Seal
(1957)

B:
The Prophecy
(1995)

C:
The Da Vinci Code
(2006)

D:
Left Behind
(2000)

Answer: C.
The Da Vinci Code
, based on Dan Brown's mega-bestseller of the same title, involves an effort to conceal the fact that Jesus had a child.

PRODUCERS
Tom Naygrow and Phil Vigeant (executive producers), Mark Headley (producer)

WRITER
Mark Pirro

DIRECTOR
Mark Pirro

STARS
Deborah Stern (
Shelly Mammarosa
), Rachel Latt (
Mrs. Druple
), Brad Mendelson (
Peter Trickle
), and Forrest J. Ackerman (
Judge Rhinehole
), Dave Robinson (
Reverend Ritz
)

When a judge (Ackerman) orders radical nudists to get dressed and threatens to close their nudist camp they commit ritual suicide. Years later, the former camp is turned into a Bible retreat for troubled youth … and the dead nudists rise from their graves, bringing with them murder, mayhem, and song-and-dance numbers.

Why It Sucks

For a movie with a great, whacky premise, it's too slow moving for its own good. It's got funny songs and it's got a “shock twist ending” that's better than what you'll find in any number of serious horror films, but the slow parts are so slow that the payoffs are barely worth it. Still, it does have radical nudists.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Achievement in Insensitivity Award goes to …
Writer/ director Mark Pirro for including content sure to offend overly sensitive “community organizers” and “spokespeople” of just about any self-described group of “victims,” with the elderly, racial minorities, gays, the handicapped, and religious groups all having a few arrows slung their way.

And the Worst Director Award goes to …
Mark Pirro for failing to realize he needed to pick up the pace. The film sags in the middle almost as badly as the boobs on the old zombie witch (who likes to twirl them during song-and-dance production numbers).

They Really Said It!

Reverend Ritz
: The children can't praise the Lord with genitals in their mouths.

Betcha Didn't Know

In 1995, a stage version adapted from the movie ran for four months in a Hollywood theater.

Mark Pirro continues to make and market his independently produced movies.

Trivia Quiz

What cast member also appeared in a film directed by Peter “Lord of the Rings” Jackson?

A: Forrest J. Ackerman

B: Rachel Latt

C: Brad Mendelson

D: Deborah Stern

Answer: A. Forrest J. Ackerman appeared in Jackson's
Dead Alive
, which is covered in Chapter 5. Ackerman was also a longtime writer, editor, and agent in the science fiction and fantasy communities.

PRODUCERS
Steve Wik and Vince Desiderio (executive producers), Uwe Boll, Daniel Clarke, and Shawn Williamson (producers)

WRITERS
Uwe Boll and Bryan C. Knight

DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll

STARS
Zack Ward (
the Dude
), Dave Foley (
Uncle Dave
), Chris Coppola (
Richard
), Larry Thomas (
Osama bin Laden
), Michael Benyaer (
Mohammed
), Verne Troyer (
himself
), Jackie Tohn (
Faith
), Uwe Boll (
himselfl
), Rick Hoffman (
Mr. Blither
), and Chris Spencer (
Officer Greg
)

An unemployed factory worker (Ward) teams up with his con-artist uncle (Foley) to steal a shipment of highly collectible dolls and make a fortune selling them. Unfortunately, Osama bin Laden (Thomas) wants to steal the same dolls for far more nefarious purposes.

Why It Sucks

Uwe Boll, being Uwe Boll, has produced a film that's part political satire, part first-person shooter game adaptation, and all stupid. Most of the jokes are gross-out gags that cross the line from funny into heavy-handedly offensive. Boll jammed his film with plots and subplots until nothing got the proper amount of time.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Worst Actress Award goes to …
Jackie Tohn, who was given an underwritten part and still managed to do even less than expected. The only thing that isn't flat about her performance is her chest area.

And the Worst Auteur Award goes to …
Uwe Boll for trying too hard to be offensive, which rapidly becomes tiresome. (The child-molesting-themed Krotchy Dolls are the most painful example.)

Betcha Didn't Know

The film was slated for theatrical release in the United States on May 24, 2008, but in the months leading up to its release distributors refused to handle it and theater chains refused to screen it. In the end, the film ended up showing in fewer than ten theaters.