150 Movies You Should See Before You Die (42 page)

Etsuko Shihomi retired from acting in 1987 after marrying Japanese singer and actor Tsuyoshi Nagabushi.

Trivia Quiz

How did Sue Shihomi become a cinematic martial artist?

A: She joined Sonny Chiba's Japan Action Club.

B: She dated Sonny Chiba and he gave her jobs.

C: She became an impromptu replacement for a stunt-woman killed on a set she was passing by.

D: She funded
Sister Street Fighter
with money made from shrewd stock investments.

Answer: A. Chiba's Japan Action Club was created to improve the physical fitness of actors so they could perform better in action and martial arts films. Shihomi quickly rose to its top ranks.

If you love movies, you've undoubtedly got friends who love movies. Among them, there may be someone who minored in film studies and who likes to pontificate on the superior nature of independent films. If you want to shut him up, mention one of the movies in this chapter.

PRODUCERS
Jack Dietz and Sam Katzman

WRITERS
Barney A. Sarecky (script) and Karl Brown (original short story, “They Creep in the Dark”)

DIRECTOR
William Beaudine

STARS
Bela Lugosi (
Dr. James Brewster
), Wallace Ford (
Jeff Carter
), Minerva Urecal (
Agatha Brewster
), Louise Currie (
Billie Mason
), Henry Hall (
Dr. George Randall
), and Emil Van Horn (
the Ape
)

Dr. Brewster (Lugosi) decides to prove his evolutionary theory by using a serum to turn himself into a “missing link.” He soon regrets this and sets out to create a cure. Unfortunately, his cure requires lots of fresh spinal fluid to work, so he and his pet gorilla (Van Horn) prowl the streets, looking for suitable victims.

Why It Sucks

The Ape Man
is an embarrassing affair all around. From the guy in the gorilla suit, to Lugosi's “ape man” costume, to the lame trio of comic relief characters. It's often hard to tell if it was intended as a horror film, or a horror film spoof. For the sake of the great Lugosi, I
hope
it's the latter.

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The Special Achievement in the Area of Cinematic Disaster Award goes to …
William Beaudine, who for the first ten minutes makes viewers think they're in for a fun time with Bela Lugosi in his best over-the-top form. Sadly, that all goes away for the next fifty-five minutes

And the Worst Script Award goes to …
Barney A. Sarecky for the character of the “spiritualist” Agatha Brewster. This is a film about a guy who turns into an ape-man through the wonders of science. What does a loon who thinks she talks to spirits have to do with anything?

They Really Said It!

Agatha Brewster
: Most spirits are honest, gentle, and kind, and only want to bring happiness to humans. But a few are evil and, having been wicked in life, are wicked in death, and only haunt the scenes of desperate crimes, reveling in murder.

Betcha Didn't Know

Actor Emil Van Horn made a career out of playing gorillas in burlesque performances. Between the years 1941 and 1948, he lent his talents (and ape suit) to eight different movies and matinee serials, including Abbott and Costello's wartime comedy
Keep 'Em Flying
.

Some film historians have claimed that the script for
The Ape Man
was written as the film's nineteen-day shooting schedule progressed. If true, it certainly explains a lot.

Trivia Quiz

Which star of
The Ape Man
spent his or her teenage years as a transient?

A: Bela Lugosi

B: Wallace Ford

C: Henry Hall

D: Louise Currie

Answer: B. According to film historian Tom Weaver, Wallace Ford spent several years as a rail-riding hobo. He was born Samuel Jones Grundy but adopted the name Wallace Ford as tribute to a fellow hobo who was killed by a rail car.

PRODUCER
Cindy Geary

WRITER
Jim Larsen

DIRECTOR
Jim Larsen

STARS
Mojo Nixon (
Preacher Man Bob
), Doug Ciskowski (
Brian
), Caleb Kreischer (
Wade “Buttcrack” Jenkins
), Kathy Wittes (
Annie
), Rob Hayward (
Ken
), and Cindy Geary (
Wade's Sister
)

When Brian (Ciskowski) accidentally kills his slobby, repulsive roommate Wade “Buttcrack” (Kreishner), Wade's vengeful sister (Geary) uses witchcraft to bring him back from the dead. But his cursed butt is now a true Crack of Doom: any who gaze upon it are transformed into zombies with melted faces who want to kill Brian.

Why It Sucks

It's a movie about a cursed buttcrack that turns people into zombies. Is there anything else that needs to be said?

Thumbs Down Rating:

The Crappies

The One-Shot Wonder Award goes to …
Just about everyone involved with
Buttcrack.
This is the one and only film credit for most of them, and it's the only starring film role that rocker Mojo Nixon had before his semi-retirement from show business. Most of the cast seem to have been snatched from a nearby community theater and probably returned there directly after production on this turkey wrapped.

And the Making Sure Nothing Falls Through the Crack Award goes to …
Lloyd Kaufman and everyone else who's taken on films like this one for distribution at Troma Entertainment. (Kaufman and crew have done more for independent filmmakers — especially those who make bad movies — than all other operations combined over the past thirty to forty years.)

They Really Said It!

Preacher Man Bob
: Now, God, I done said all I had to say at Brother Wade's first funeral. I just hope you can call him home this time so we don't have to kill him and go through this all over again.

Betcha Didn't Know

Buttcrack
is one of hundreds of bizarre low-budget, independently produced films that Lloyd Kaufman of Troma Entertainment has brought to a wide audience over the past four decades.

Nothing in voodoo or witchcraft lore involves spells that can curse buttcracks. Believe me, I've checked.

Trivia Quiz

What prompted Mojo Nixon to say that singer Don Henley has “balls the size of church bells”?

A: He saw Don Henley naked.

B: Don Henley beat him up in a parking lot.

C: Don Henley joined him onstage during a performance.

D: Mojo Nixon never said any such thing.