Read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland Online
Authors: Lewis Carroll
âSixteenth,' added the Dormouse.
âWrite that down,' the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.
âTake off your hat,' the King said to the Hatter.
âIt isn't mine,' said the Hatter.
âStolen!
' the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact.
âI keep them to sell,' the Hatter added as an explanation: âI've none of my own. I'm a hatter.'
Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted.
âGive your evidence,' said the King; âand don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.'
This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter.
Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was beginning to grow larger again, and she thought at first she would get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts she decided to remain where she was as long as there was room for her.
âI wish you wouldn't squeeze so,' said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. âI can hardly breathe.'
âI can't help it,' said Alice very meekly: âI'm growing.'
âYou've no right to grow
here
,' said the Dormouse.
âDon't talk nonsense,' said Alice more boldly: âyou know you're growing too.'
âYes, but
I
grow at a reasonable pace,' said the Dormouse: ânot in that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sulkily and crossed over to the other side of the court.
All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court, âBring me the list
of the singers in the last concert!' on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook both his shoes off.
âGive your evidence,' the King repeated angrily, âor I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not.'
âI'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling voice, ââ and I hadn't begun my tea â not above a week or so â and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin â and the twinkling of the tea â'
âThe twinkling of the
what?
' said the King.
âIt
began
with the tea,' the Hatter replied.
âOf course twinkling begins with a T!' said the King sharply. âDo you take me for a dunce? Go on!'
âI'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, âand most things twinkled after that â only the March Hare said â'
âI didn't!' the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.
âYou did!' said the Hatter.
âI deny it!' said the March Hare.
âHe denies it,' said the King: âleave out that part.'
âWell, at any rate, the Dormouse said â' the Hatter went on, looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep.
âAfter that,' continued the Hatter, âI cut some more bread-and-butter â'
âBut what did the Dormouse say?' one of the jury asked.
âThat I can't remember,' said the Hatter.
âYou
must
remember,' remarked the King, âor I'll have you executed.'
The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and went down on one knee. âI'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.
âYou're a
very
poor
speaker
,' said the King.
Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.)
âI'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Alice. âI've so often read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, “There was some attempt at applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court,” and I never understood what it meant till now.'
âIf that's all you know about it, you may stand down,' continued the King.
âI can't go no lower,' said the Hatter: âI'm on the floor, as it is.'
âThen you may
sit
down,' the King replied.
Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.
âCome, that finishes the guinea-pigs!' thought Alice. âNow we shall get on better.'
âI'd rather finish my tea,' said the Hatter, with an anxious look at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.
âYou may go,' said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court, without even waiting to put his shoes
on.
ââ and just take his head off outside,' the Queen added to one of the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.
âCall the next witness!' said the King.
The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into the court, by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at once.
âGive your evidence,' said the King.
âShan't,' said the cook.
The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice, âYour Majesty must cross-examine
this
witness.'
âWell, if I must, I must,' the King said, with a melancholy air, and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook
till his eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, âWhat are tarts made of?'
âPepper, mostly,' said the cook.
âTreacle,' said a sleepy voice behind her.
âCollar that Dormouse,' the Queen shrieked out. âBehead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!'
For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the Dormouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared.
âNever mind!' said the King, with an air of great relief. âCall the next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the Queen, âReally, my dear,
you
must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!'
Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling very curious to see what the next witness would be like, ââ for they haven't got much evidence
yet
,' she said to herself. Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill little voice, the name âAlice!'
Here!' cried Alice, quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment how large she had grown in the last few minutes, and she jumped up in such a hurry that she tipped over the jury-box with the edge of her skirt, upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd below, and there they lay sprawling about, reminding her very much of a globe of goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before.
âOh, I
beg your
pardon!' she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay, and began picking them up again as quickly as she could, for the accident of the goldfish kept running in her head, and she had a vague sort of idea that they must be collected at once and put back into the jury-box, or they would die.
âThe trial cannot proceed,' said the King in a very grave voice, âuntil all the jurymen are back in their proper places â
all
,' he repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Alice as he said so.
Alice looked at the jury-box, and saw that, in her haste,
she had put the Lizard in head downwards, and the poor little thing was waving its tail about in a melancholy way, being quite unable to move. She soon got it out again, and put it right; ânot that it signifies much,' she said to herself; âI should think it would be
quite
as much use in the trial one way up as the other.'
As soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being upset, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident, all except the Lizard, who seemed too much overcome to do anything but sit with its mouth open, gazing up into the roof of the court.
âWhat do you know about this business?' the King said to Alice.
âNothing,' said Alice.
âNothing
whatever
?.' persisted the King.
âNothing whatever,' said Alice.
âThat's very important,' the King said, turning to the jury. They were just beginning to write this down on their slates, when the White Rabbit interrupted: âtTmmportant, your Majesty means, of course,' he said in a very respectful tone, but frowning and making faces at him as he spoke.
âUnimportant, of course, I meant,' the King hastily said, and went on to himself in an undertone, âimportant â unimportant â unimportant â important â' as if he were trying which word sounded best.
Some of the jury wrote it down âimportant,' and some âunimportant.' Alice could see this, as she was near enough to look over their slates; âbut it doesn't matter a bit,' she thought to herself.
At this moment the King, who had been for some time busily writing in his note-book, called out âSilence!' and
read out from his book, âRule Forty-two.
All persons more than a mile high to leave the court
.'
Everybody looked at Alice.
âI'm
not a mile high,' said Alice.
âYou are,' said the King.
âNearly two miles high,' added the Queen.
âWell, I shan't go, at any rate,' said Alice: âbesides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now.'
âIt's the oldest rule in the book,' said the King.
âThen it ought to be Number One,' said Alice.
The King turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily. âConsider your verdict,' he said to the jury, in a low trembling voice.
âThere's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,' said the White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry; âthis paper has just been picked up.'
âWhat's in it?' said the Queen.
âI haven't opened it yet,' said the White Rabbit, âbut it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to â to somebody.'
âIt must have been that,' said the King, âunless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.'
âWho is it directed to?' said one of the jurymen.
âIt isn't directed at all,' said the White Rabbit; âin fact, there's nothing written on the
outside
.' He unfolded the paper as he spoke, and added âIt isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses.'