All For Anna (12 page)

Oh, it was Kai?

Or am I hearing voices
now, too?

Stop running.

I grabbed his upper arm
tightly.

Panic overwhelmed me,
trumping the pain that my body was still recovering from.

“I’m sorry, Tori. You
must be scared. I was scared just watching you. How’s your neck? Do you feel,
okay? Do you think you can ride back with me to the shore?” he asked. “I ‘ll come
back out in a minute and pull your Jet Ski in. Let’s just get you settled first,”
he said touching the back of my neck gently.

“I...I think so. Will
the Jet Ski be okay?”

“Don’t worry about
that, it’s fine. That’s easily replaceable...you are not,” Kai said.

If my body hadn’t been
so red from hitting the water, I’d swear I was blushing. Kai boosted me up onto
his Jet Ski as gently as possible, and then climbed on after me. He steered
easily from behind, never exceeding 10 mph. I winced a few times as my legs
thawed, but the nearness of Kai was a nice distraction.

How long has it been
since I was touched longer than the briefness of a handshake or greeting hug?

I couldn’t remember.

It had been over a year
at best.

Kai drove the Jet Ski
up onto the shore and hopped off. He started to un-buckle my life vest, but
then hesitated, as if waiting for my permission. My arms were still so stiff
from my landing though, that I nodded without a second thought.

In an instant, I was
freed of its constriction.

“Let me help you over
to the blanket, Tori.”

He lifted me off the
seat and braced my unsteady walk over to the blanket, the same blanket we had
sat on an hour earlier.

“Thank you...and I’m
sorry, Kai. I’m usually not this dramatic of a person. You’ve seen me at my
worst and you’ve only known me a week!” I said, mortified.

His expression was
soft, kind, but it held something else in it as well that I couldn’t identify.
He was quiet for a few seconds longer than felt comfortable before he shook his
head.

“Maybe it’s me, then?
Maybe I’m a bad luck charm?”

His smile spread from
ear to ear, as he knew that was the farthest thing from the truth. If anything,
Kai had practically rescued me on three different occasions now. Odds were not
working in my favor lately.

I’m turning into a
helpless victim around this guy.

But even as I thought
it, it wasn’t reason enough for me to stay away from him. That, was the
scariest thought I’d had all day.

Kai’s eyes skimmed over
my body, doing his best to look like the professional he was. He pointed out the
bright red spots that would most likely bruise. Ultimately, he decided that
there was no serious damage done. I was a tad disappointed when the injury
inventory was over.

You are going to feel
pretty stupid when he tells you you’re just like the little sister he never
had.

“If you’re okay here
for a minute, I’ll go pull in the other Jet Ski so it doesn’t float too far
down the lake.”

I nodded.

While Kai was
retrieving my Jet Ski, I laid my head back and tried to process what had
happened. It took a second, but then it all came back.

I had crashed because I
couldn’t switch back to reality from the memory of the doctor telling me about
Anna. I swallowed hard.

PTSD was riddled with
flashbacks, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t that what I’d
heard about veterans after coming back from war?

Though this was far
from my first flashback, the intensity had been much stronger. If I couldn’t
control when they happened, I could potentially be a
danger
to anyone at
any time. Given the right set of circumstances—or wrong—I was nothing short of
a walking, living hazard.

Stop running.

My eyes flew open as I
looked from left to right.

No one.

Chills climbed up my
spine.

God?

No answer.

Of course there’s no
answer, don’t be stupid!

Laying on the shore
waiting for Kai, I knew I really only had one option left. If I didn’t want to
go completely insane before my twenty-fourth birthday, I would have to take it.
Hearing voices and having movie-type flashbacks were among the short list of
things that would be cause for new concern, but honoring Anna was still at the
top of my list.

Maybe it was time for a
compromise with Dr. Crane after all.

**********

Our drive home felt
shorter than the drive out to the lake earlier that day. Kai hummed softly to
the music on the radio as I laid my head against the window. He had some
God
station
tuned-in. I didn’t care what music it was though. His voice was soothing;
I wished I could hear more of it.

Ultimately, I knew there
wouldn’t be
more
of anything when it came to Kai and I. Our time
together had meant one thing: nothing.

Even still, I wanted to
cherish the last of it. If I was destined to play the role of
little sister
within this mix of family and friends, then I only wanted a few minutes to
pretend otherwise.

Just a few minutes to
dream that in some past life things might have been different for us. That
broken didn’t have to mean eternally lonely. That a man like Kai could find a
woman like me interesting and attractive. I held onto my fantasy all the way to
Stacie’s driveway.

It was late afternoon
when we pulled up to the house. The sun was getting lower on the horizon and a
soft breeze blew in from the east. Kai beat me to my door again, helping me out
of his large Ford truck. As I stepped down, I could feel the bruises forming on
my thighs.

“I had a really nice
time today, Tori—with the exception of your death-defying crash. I wish you
could have said the same. Today didn’t really work out for you like I had hoped
it would,” he said.

His tender smile caused
the butterflies to awaken inside me once again.

“I can...I mean, I did
have a really nice time today—with the exception of my bad driving skills and
depth perception,” I said, rolling my eyes.

He chuckled then,
stepping closer. He reached his hand out toward my face. I was a mixture of
both fire and ice as he skimmed the curve of my scar with his thumb. I was
frozen, yet my skin blazed from the heat of his touch.

He withdrew his hand
quickly, a look of uncertainty flashing in his eyes. It had happened so quickly
that I wondered if I had imagined it. I was known for my vivid imagination,
after all.

But I could still feel
the flush of my cheeks.

It had been real, right?

“I’d like to see you
again, Tori. Maybe we could do something a little less
dangerous
next
time,” he said, his eyes locking onto mine.

My stomach flipped
wildly as my palms began to sweat. This had to end now; I had to stop this
before all my dignity and control were lost forever. There was no
magic
pixie dust
for me. I wouldn’t ever be a girlfriend. I could barely be a
friend.

The role of
little
sister
would have to suffice.

The only other
alternative…was to be nothing at all. 

I stared down at my
feet.

“Thank you Kai for
being so willing to befriend me with no questions asked. I’m sure Jack will be
really happy to know that he could count on you. I’ll tell Stacie to ask you
over for dinner soon,” I said, my heart racing.

“Oh...okay,” he said.

Kai took a step back
and looked at me inquisitively. I stood motionless, not quite sure what my next
move should be.

Why did he look
so…disappointed?

I had just invited him
to hang out at my family dinners, he should be thrilled!

“
Have a good evening,
Tori. Please say goodbye to your sister for me.”  He turned and walked to his
truck. His back faced me as I watched him grip the handle of his door.

Then, he stopped.

My heart stopped, too.

In that second I wished
more than anything that I could be
unbroken
. I envied all those normal,
carefree girls that knew nothing about shame, or loss, or heartache. The girls
that wouldn’t think twice about saying
yes
to spending more time with a
guy like Kai.

“Tori?”

Kai stared at me, a
look of confident determination on his face.

“Yes?”

“For the record, Jack
never asked me to befriend you. That was all my doing. Have a good weekend.”

He winked at me before closing
his door and driving away.

For once my mind was
blank. No thoughts, no sarcasm, no witty banter. Kai had pursued me all on his
own, and I had just pushed him away.

A teeny, tiny shred of
a feeling that I hadn’t known in quite some time was pushing its way up through
the cracks of my past. 

Please don’t let me go so easily, Kai.

“It’s so nice to hear
from you Victoria, what did you decide?” Dr. Crane asked.

I was surprised when
she answered her phone on a Saturday afternoon, until she explained that she’d
given me her cell number. She told me I was welcome to call her anytime a need
arose.

Do I have Dr. Bradley
to thank for that courtesy?

“I would like to
schedule an appointment,” I said.

“Okay...how does ten
o’clock work for you next Wednesday morning?

“That would be fine.
I’m only scheduled to work Wednesday and then the weekend of next week, so I’d
like to pick up some on call hours once you sign off,” I said, reminding her of
the bargain she’d made.

“Sounds good. I’ll have
your paperwork ready for you Wednesday morning. Take care…and Victoria? Your
first homework assignment is to
connect
. Try to connect with at least
one person and we’ll discuss how it went at your appointment,” she said.

After hanging up the
phone I replayed her words in my head.

Connect?

So pretty much the
opposite of what happened today with Kai, then.

Awesome. Just awesome.

I slumped back on my
bed.
It
would be a long week if I didn’t pick up any extra hours. Wednesday couldn’t
come soon enough. I needed that paperwork ASAP.

I was exhausted both
mentally and physically from my time at the lake. I heard Stacie pass by my
open door while talking on the phone. She paused, as if wanting me to overhear
her conversation. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep; too bad she knew
my trick.

“…Yes, I’ll ask her.
She just needs some time," Stacie said. 

I could guess what was
being said on the other end of that call. I chose instead to picture the calm
of the lake, the blue of the sky and the beautiful Samoan I had just watched
drive away.

You’ll have to deal
with her sometime; You can’t ignore her forever.

I heard Stacie come in
my room. I peeked out through one eye and saw her standing with her hands on
her hips.

“So that was Mom on the
phone. I was trying to help her understand that pushing you isn’t going to
work...”

I hope she heard you,
‘cause she never seems to hear me.

“Thanks,” I said,
opening my eyes fully. “What does she want?”

“She wants me to ask
you if you’ll go shopping with us this evening…for the baby. We are going to
narrow down our choices for both boy and girl—for the nursery. That way after
the ultrasound we can get to work. I would really love for you to come, too.”

Stacie was so sincere
when she spoke. Her sweet demeanor was impossible for me to ignore. I thought
for a few seconds, and then looked back at the clock. If I could rest for an
hour, would I be willing to go?

Since one of my
connection opportunities had already failed, maybe this was my second chance?

I agreed, but only on
the stipulation that I could take a nap first. Stacie, of course, was thrilled.
I hoped I had made the right call. Her reaction scared me, but that was fairly
normal.

For every one thought I
had, Stacie had about ten emotions that could match it. Her passion scale
started where mine topped-out. Pregnancy had made that gap between our
personalities even more extreme.

“Great, I’ll let her
know. We can leave here around six thirty. Let’s get some Chinese for
dinner...the baby and I have been craving it for weeks! And Tori...you will
tell me all about your date today, right? ”

I sighed as I waved my
hand in the air before turning over to position my head under my pillow. I
heard her leave a few seconds later. Stacie was nothing, if not persistent. I
knew that wouldn’t be the end of it.