All For Anna (13 page)

**********

Mom looked like she was
dressed for a photo shoot with
Southern Living
when she entered The Baby
Warehouse. Everything was a perfect match with her: her french-tipped nails,
her nautical handbag and her navy and red pumps. She was the perfect
combination of color and class.

If I hadn’t known this
woman, I would have thought her striking and confident. Nobody ever believed
that she was fifty. Often, people assumed that the three of us were sisters
when we were all together—an assumption I was quick to correct, even under my
mother’s disapproving glare.

“Hello my darlings! How
fun that we all get to be together again, and shopping, too,” she said,
announcing her greeting to the entire store.

I hugged her quickly,
hoping it would have a calming effect on her. I did not want more cause for
commotion. She walked close to me throughout the store, picking out every piece
of cute baby paraphernalia that she saw. After awhile, it all kind of looked
the same to me. This crib or that crib, this stroller or that stroller, this
highchair or that highchair, etc. But I was happy for Stacie. I knew it had to
be hard on her with Jack away, so I decided I would keep my mouth shut and take
it all in stride. I would try to
connect
.

Did this count as
connecting yet?

I sure hope so.

After nearly two hours
of listening to, “Oh my word! That’s soooo darling,” or, “Isn’t that just so
precious?” It was time to eat. I did not complain.

The Chinese restaurant
was fairly crowded, but they managed to seat us in just ten minutes. Stacie’s
baby bump gave us a slight advantage.

“So Tori, how’s work
going?” my mother asked after our order was taken.

“Pretty good, just
learning the hospital’s protocols for now and job shadowing,” I said.

If I couldn’t be
completely honest with Stacie about all that went on in Trauma, I had to be
even more guarded with my mother.

“Ya know, I still have
a friend in Labor and Delivery that would be happy to hire you if you ever
wanted to switch floors,” my mother added. Good intentioned as she was, she was
completely oblivious to any specifics about my life or career. “Thanks Mom,
I’ll keep that in mind.”

Switch floors? Like
that’s even how it worked.

Connecting is way more
difficult than I had anticipated.

“Stacie told me that
you went out earlier today with Kai Alesana. How did that go? He’s sure a sweet
young man.” My mother looked at me, waiting for a response.

I turned to look at
Stacie who was suddenly very focused on her appetizer.

Connect. Connect.
Connect.

“It was fine. We’re
just
friends
. I actually see him around my hospital, so we’re more like
friendly
co-workers,” I said.

Good one.

“Well, if I were a
young single woman, he’d be the kind of friend I would want to have. That’s for
sure.”

She winked at Stacie
who giggled into her drink.

“I didn’t realize you
knew him that well, Mom?”

The second I asked the
question, I wished I could take it back. I didn’t want to encourage a
discussion about Kai, but my curiosity proved stronger than my logic.

“Oh, well...I wouldn’t
say I know him too well, but he has come over a few times for family cook-outs.
Actually, he and Jack built our latest deck renovation last spring. He was
quite the handyman. They made a pretty good team, wouldn’t you agree Stace?”
she asked.

“For sure, although I
think they did it more for the free baked goods and daily diving competitions,”
Stacie said. She laughed as she set her drink down.

“Diving competitions?”

“Tori, you should have
seen them! Because it was so hot out, they would dive into the pool the second
they were finished working. There was this whole rating system they came up
with; how did it go again, Stacie?”

Stacie jumped into the
story as if right on cue. Full of animation, she threw her arms in the air and
laughed loudly.

“They would only get a
ten if they could complete the crazy obstacle courses they laid out for each
dive. If neither of them could complete it, then neither would score. One that
Jack set up involved our two lawn chairs. They had to jump over them both, spin
around three times, and then dive backward into the pool perfectly for it to
count. It was like the Olympics for the testosterone-challenged!”

I laughed, picturing
the comedy show that must have been. It seemed strange that I hadn’t known Jack
and Kai as friends, but I could imagine they got along quite well. My mother’s
face changed as she watched me laugh with Stacie. I tried to place it her look.

Was it relief?

“I don’t think I told
you, Tori, but Dad and I have been visiting Stacie and Jack’s church for the
last few months,” my mother said.

Now that was
surprising. My parents had attended the same church since before I was born—at
least on important holidays or to meet their clients before a lunch date. The
idea of them gracing the doors of another was downright revolutionary,
especially after my mom’s initial reaction to Stacie’s church transfer years
ago.

“What? No, I hadn’t
heard that,” I said.

“Yes, it’s been really
nice seeing them there,” Stacie added.

“Why the change, I
don’t understand. Did something happen to Pastor Howard?” I asked.

“Oh heavens, no. We
haven’t made anything official quite yet, but change is necessary sometimes.
It’s been really good to feel challenged again after such a difficult season.”

Difficult season?

“
Tori, are you going to
join us tomorrow? I would sure love for you to come and meet some of our
friends,” Stacie asked.

Oh no. Think of
something...think of anything!

“Tori?”

“I, uh…can I let you
know in the morning?” I asked.

I didn’t want to talk
about church, or anything it involved. This last year and a half had been hard
enough for me; I didn’t need any more complications. God and I seemed to have a
mutual understanding now. He didn’t ask anything of me and I didn’t ask
anything of Him.

It was working out just
fine.

Was it really?

The question seemed to
jump out of thin air, sending goose bumps down my spine.

It wasn’t that I held
any disrespect toward those that wanted to believe in God, or even the idea of
church
community
. I had finally realized though, that I was no longer the type
of person that needed church. Nor was I a person the church needed.

I could grasp the
concept of desiring acceptance from seemingly spiritual people. I also
understood that there were folks who looked to the church for balance, support
and comfort. But
religion
could offer me none of those things now.

My guilt overshadowed
them all.

Dodging Stacie the last
two Sundays had been fairly easy.  I knew that wouldn’t be the case forever
though. The truth would have to come out and I would rather it be sooner than
later. I knew she wouldn’t want to hear it, but that didn’t change the fact
that her
God and I hadn’t shifted out of neutral in a very long time.

Thankfully, the conversation
moved on to the baby. That was always a safe and welcome topic for me. I sat
back, shifting into listen-only mode. They discussed everything from nursery
décor to co-sleeping, breast-feeding vs. bottle feeding, and the most-debated
topic, “cloth or disposable diapers?”

I ate my Chinese food
silently. Since I was momentarily under the radar, I found myself day-dreaming
about another foreign food, one that I had never experienced—authentic Samoan.

Did Kai cook it?

Did his mom cook it for
him? Did he even like it anymore, or was McDonalds his type of food now since
he was an American?

Mom paid the bill
before we said goodbye in the parking lot. The night had been relatively
painless—almost enjoyable. My mother had seemed different. Not in personality
or social mannerisms necessarily, but different nonetheless. It bothered me a
great deal that I couldn’t identify what it was. In the end I chalked it up to
the length of time we had been apart.

How arrogant I was to
think that
my
life
was the only one that could have changed over
the last seventeen months. I made a mental note to inquire about it later to
Stacie, after a good long sleep.

I was exhausted.

Sunday.

It wasn’t like I had
blatantly lied to Stacie while I was living in Phoenix; I just hadn’t offered
her the whole truth. She believed the reason I had worked every Sunday was
because I had no other option, but in reality, I had requested that shift. I
figured as long as I worked on Sundays, the church questions would stay on
hold. I had been right.

Though I had prepared
an excuse for why I couldn’t attend this morning’s service, I hadn’t been
prepared to get a call from my dad.

“Hey Dad, how are you?”
I asked, answering the phone on my nightstand.

“I’m good, Sugar. Your
mom told me all about your great time last night and I was so happy to hear
that you three were back together again, breaking the bank no less,” Dad said.

“Yeah, it was good,” I
said.

“I know Mom told you
that we’ve been attending church with Jack and Stacie the last few months and I
was hoping to see you there this morning, kiddo. I’ve been doing my best to
give you space, but I miss you like crazy.”

Why couldn’t I be
working today? Or have the flu?

Was it too late to fake
the flu?

My dad was a man who
didn’t ask for much. He worked hard, earning everything he had and giving even
more than that away. There were few people I couldn’t say no to, and he was at
the top of the list. Exceptions, though, had to be made.

This area of my life
was off limits.

I opened my mouth to
tell him that I’d rather meet him somewhere after church, but it was then that
he hit me with another low blow.

“I probably shouldn’t
tell you this…but your mom’s been on her knees praying for you a lot these last
few months. She’s been praying specifically for you to join us at church, so we
could be together as a family. I know you two have had your issues in the past,
but she really wants to make things right. It would mean a great deal to both
of us if you came.”

Oh come on! For crying
out loud!

Is there no shame left
in these people at all?

“Oh Dad…I don’t know.
It’s different for me now. I’m not so sure that church and I are really a fit
anymore-”

“Nonsense. If you don’t
like it, you don’t have to come back, but at least come today,” he pushed.

I blew out an
exaggerated sigh. He knew he was winning. I rolled my eyes and smashed my head
back into my pillow.

“Fine, but I make no
promises on anything in the future. Are we clear on that, Dad?” I asked.

“Clear as mud, sweetheart.
See ya at eleven, and plan on lunch at our place afterward.”

Click.

I looked at my phone,
stunned.

Did that really just
happen?

Bullied by my own
father into going to church?

What had the world come
to?

Stacie purposefully
stayed out of my way as I got ready. I could feel her watchful eye as I moved
about the house, but she knew better than to try and talk to me. It was one
thing to give in under pressure; it was another to admit it. After my shower I
stood in front of my closet for what felt like an eternity.

What do I wear to the
one place I dread going most of all?

I sighed.

Maybe I was looking at
this the wrong way. How hard can it possibly be to tune out a two hours church
service?

I’ll just think of it
as a job—one that I hate doing, but have to get done in order to move on with
my day. That’s all it is, a chore, nothing more.

I worked hard to
believe that logic pounding in my head as I grabbed a simple navy maxi dress
out of my closet. I layered it with a short gray cardigan, and slipped into
some matching gray ballet flats. The length of the dress would hide the large
bruises on my thighs. I was grateful for that at least. I styled my hair down,
an unusual choice for me, but why not?

It had already proved
to be a strange day, and it was still morning.

**********

Stacie waited patiently
in the car for me. She complimented my outfit as I buckled my seat belt. I
nodded in silent recognition. That was the extent of our conversation on the
drive to church.