All For Anna (14 page)

There was nothing that could
make me see this day differently than the chore that it was. Nothing, until I
saw Kai enter the worship center. There were possibly three thousand people in
this large dome-shaped room, and I had to see
him
. Stacie waved at him
wildly, like a pregnant lady who had gone completely mad. He smiled in reply
and headed our way.

I wanted to die, but I
wanted to take Stacie out first.

“Hey,” Kai said,
smiling.

“Hey,” I replied.

“Do you want to sit
with us, Kai? My folks should be joining us shortly, but there should be room
on the other side of Tori,” Stacie said, as if she was doing him the world’s
biggest favor.

Yep, I would definitely
take her out first.

“Sure thing,” he said.

Kai headed down the row
to sit next to me just as my parents showed up.

Great. Now I get to
explain why Kai is sitting next to me during our family lunch today. This day
just keeps getting better.

My dad’s embrace was
tight, but quick. He winked at me as he moved to find his seat. I was sure it
was his way of approving my decision to show up. My mom reached across Stacie’s
belly to squeeze my hand and tell me how happy she was to see me. She was
sincere. I could see it in her eyes, though it was hard for me to admit it,
even if only to myself.

As the band started to
play, everyone stood.

My stomach lurched
violently with nerves.

“Your hair looks really
nice that way.”

I jumped at the sound
of Kai’s voice in my ear.

“Thanks,” I said.

I heard him laugh as he
started to clap along with the music. I stood awkwardly, unsure of what to do.
I’d been in church hundreds of times: stand up, sit down, sing, greet, sit,
share, listen, and leave. It had always been the same structure, but today was
the first time since...the accident.

The old familiar was no
longer familiar.

Jack and Stacie had
changed churches a few years ago, which was quite the drama in our family at
the time. I had been so busy with school that it didn’t seem to faze me in the
slightest, though.

Church was just church.
Who cared where they went? However, my mother did not see it that way.

To her it was a
betrayal, an utter disgrace that
her
daughter, who had practically been
born on one of those padded pews, could ever consider leaving. It was simply
unimaginable. One would have thought that Stacie had started sacrificing
animals to idols the way my mother had first reacted.

But Jack and Stacie continued
to rave about the ways they had grown during that first year at their
mistress
church
. Stacie began serving in the community, at the poorest schools in
Dallas, bringing meals to the teachers and working in after-school programs.
They had spoken mostly, though, about the small groups they had been a part of.
Words like accountability, acceptance, and encouragement were heard often.
Although they had invited me many times, I was always too busy to attend.
Besides, I had friends at my parent’s church.

Where were those
friends now?

Nowhere
.

My mind was scattered,
but my ears couldn’t help but hear Kai’s deep, strong voice next to me. I had
been right; the humming I’d heard in his truck was just the tip of the iceberg.
His voice was beautiful. Soon, I focused on it alone. The words flowed tenderly
from his lips, and I wondered if he really believed the words he sang. I had never
heard these songs before. They were different from what I remembered.

The songs I had sung in
an old ancient language, to an old ancient God, were a far cry from these.

I looked to my left,
all three people to my left were signing, eyes closed like in a prayer.

The sight was bizarre.
I had never seen them like this at church, and I had twenty-three years of history
to think back on.

What was happening
here?

I had often felt like
the outsider when it came to my family. Mom and Stacie were a pair, and Dad was
the hard-working entrepreneur. I had opted out of the family business to pursue
nursing—a career choice that was foreign to them all. Even still, some things
were foundational.

Church and religion
were two of those things.

So your feelings can change,
but theirs can’t?

And there it was again,
the voice that quickened my heart rate. It seemed to come from somewhere…
within?
Is my PTSD getting stronger?

Wednesday was just a
few days away.

What would Dr. Crane
think about these voices? Maybe I’m further gone than she thought. Maybe it was
already too late for me?
I shuddered at the thought. Envisioning a lifetime of
voices talking in my head was hard to swallow, even for me.

Kai seemed to sense my
uneasiness and gave me a wayward glance. His brows were raised in question. I
tried to smile; I failed miserably.

Sorry Kai, but you’re
standing next to a crazy girl.

The music ended.

Much to my relief, we
were seated just after the extended meet-and-greet time was over. Stacie and
Kai seemed to know many people around us, all of which were full of questions
and kind remarks. To say I felt awkward was an understatement.

There was a Sesame
Street song that sang it best, “One of these things does not belong here…”

Yeah, ya think?

A middle-aged man who
dressed like he was in college, wearing jeans and a polo, made his way to the
stage. Kai leaned over to me and whispered his name, “Pastor Mark.”

We are down to using
first names in church? And wearing jeans? My grandmother is probably rolling
over in her grave right about now...

The sermon was titled,
Our
Need for a Savior
. It wasn’t like I wanted to hear it, but as it turns out,
it’s pretty hard to zone-out in a room that’s so largely focused on the one
thing happening up front: the message. I sighed, trying to will myself to
relax.

Kai gave me a quick pat
on the knee, while never taking his eyes off Pastor Mark. Stacie nudged me
gently. Even out of the corner of my eye I could tell her smile was
ridiculously huge. She had not asked me again about
lake day
, but by the
looks of it, her optimism hadn’t died.

“...How easily we grow
weary in our pain and suffering, in our shame that imprisons us, in our need to
control every circumstance we face. But all along, God has given us one answer
to all of these dilemmas. He is the only One that can bring light to our
darkness. We must recognize that our need for a Savior came before we even
existed on this earth.”

A warm sensation
radiated through my chest.

Geesh, this guy is
good.

Pastor Mark was a
passionate man. He paced back and forth on the stage, but never pointed to the
crowd with looks of condemnation. Instead, only kindness seemed to flow from
the words he spoke.

It was obvious he
believed every word.

Maybe I had heard this
before…
maybe
, but if so, never like this. I was suddenly very envious of
Stacie and Kai and their ability to
simply
believe
. I wished I
could be a person that needed church, a person that felt comfort from it the
way they both seemed to.

It dawned on me then,
that maybe there was more to this whole faith thing. But just the idea alone
was far too over-powering. I knew the ending before the question was even
formed in my mind. Nothing ever could or ever would erase what had been done to
Anna.

My debt was a mountain
I could not climb, and a bill I could never pay.

As soon as the last
prayer ended, the room was in motion.

I was acutely aware of
Kai’s presence behind me. He gently touched my arm, and said my name. I turned
to look at him, surprised again by the handsome face that stared back at me.

“Can we talk for a
minute?” Kai asked.

“Right here?” I looked
around at the crowded space. My parents and sister were very close in proximity
to us. More importantly, they were all within earshot.

“No, let’s go this
way.”

Kai led me through the
crowd. Gently, he pressed his hand to the small of my back. My knees felt weak as
I reminded myself how to walk. We exited through a side door that took us
outside onto a patio. A few over-sized flower pots framed the doorway behind
us. Kai dropped his hand as we stood to face each other.

He stared at me for one
long, uncomfortable minute. As usual, my heart rate quickened.

“Tori...last night I
did a lot of thinking about our time together at the lake. I went over our
conversations…” he said, pausing to search my face.

Okay...and realized
what?

That I’m not the girl
you hoped I’d be? I could have told you that, pal.

“I was trying to figure
out where I had misread you—or worse, where I may have misled you.”

Oh God…that is what
he’s about to say. That he was wrong to ask me out, that it was a mistake.

“That’s okay Kai,
really. I get it. Can we just forget about everything? I need to go find
Stacie, she’s my ride.”

A wave of rejection
crashed over me—fighting me as I desperately tried to take back control. I
started toward the door, but his hand met mine first, pulling me away from it.

“Tori, no,”—his tone
was almost frantic—“that’s not what I’m trying to say.”

He pushed back his
thick black hair, ruffling a few stray pieces in the process. The familiar
spasm in my stomach was back. I worked hard to ignore it.

“Then what
are
you trying to say?” I asked impatiently, raising my voice.

“That I
like
you. That I don’t know how or where the signals got crossed, but I’m not doing
anyone a favor by wanting to spend time with you. If you don’t feel the same
way I can deal with that, but I won’t let you think that I don’t have feelings
for you. And I don’t mean feelings like a big brother,” he said, taking a step
closer to me.

Shocked at hearing him
address the concerns of my inner-dialogue, I could do nothing but stare at him.
I blinked, trying to make sense of his words.

“Kai, I’m having a hard
time understanding why, or how, you could be saying that to me. You only think
you know me because of my family, and I’m not like them. I’ll never be a
Stacie.” 

The words flew out of
my mouth, in one rushed flow of consciousness.

Kai reached for my hand
then, bringing it close to his chest. Instantly, I felt a calm wash over me. I
had no explanation for why that was, but I knew I didn’t want him to let go of
it, either.

“Can you do me a favor,
please?” he asked.

I sighed, nodding as I
stared at our hands.

“Let me worry about the
why’s
and
how’s
, okay?  You don’t need to question that. Those
aren’t the questions I’m asking myself when I’m near you. But I can assure you,
I don’t want you to be your sister, Tori. She’s great and all, but you’re...you’re
something very special.”

“Oh.”

It was a stupid
response, but no other words came. My voice was with the rest of me somewhere,
somewhere floating further away from everything I knew to be real.

He reached out for my
face then, his thumb lightly tracing the edge of my scar. The moment was
surreal. Every thought I had was put on hold as I concentrated on the warmth of
his touch. He followed the raised, curved line as it trailed under my left
cheekbone. My breathing faltered when his thumb neared my lips.

He stared at me
intently.

The door behind me
opened and slammed back against the wall, killing the magical moment
completely.

“Oh, there you two are!
I was just about to leave you, Tori. We’re having lunch out at our folk’s place,
you’re more than welcome to come, Kai,” Stacie said. 

Kai gently dropped our
joined hands. He took a step back before answering her. “I’m sorry. I already
have plans with my mom this afternoon for lunch. I’m helping her with some yard
clean up, but I’d love to take a rain check,” Kai said, looking at me
apologetically.

“Okay. Well, I’ll see
you in a minute then, Tori. I’ll head out to the parking lot and let Mom and
Dad know I found you.”

Kai turned back to me,
his eyes mysterious and charming.

“I’m bummed I can’t
spend time with you and your family today. I start my forty-eight hour shift
tonight...so my next opportunity to see you won’t be till Wednesday. What’s
your schedule this week?”

Dang
.

“
I actually work a
twelve on Wednesday, then I work the weekend shift with another possible shift
or two in between,” I said.