All For Anna (32 page)

His arms wrapped around
me as I wept into his chest. My body still felt separate from me, held captive
by a prison of shame.

“Why did God take
her
?
It should have been me. I tried…” My voice broke again to a sob.

“I know, I know you
tried,
Pele
,” Kai said, pushing the wet hair off of my face.

“But
she
never
knew! She never knew I tried,” I said, and then the painful truth was on my
lips before I could stop it. “I wasn’t good enough to save her.”

Kai shook me, his hands
strong and firm on my shoulders as he positioned himself in front of me.

“Yes you were, Tori!
You did
everything
that could have been done for that little girl...do
you hear me?” Kai said, yelling over the loud echo of the hail.

He gripped my face in
between his hands, forcing me to see him.

“You did
everything
,”
Kai said, again. A desperate plea marked his voice.

I searched his eyes.
“You don’t know that,” I whispered.

Grazing his thumb over
my scar, he stared at me, unblinking. “Yes...I do.”

Exhausted, my eyes struggled
to stay focused.

But it was there, on
his face.

The answer to all the
looks I couldn’t place, all the emotions I couldn’t understand, all the words
that had been left unsaid. Anguish filled his eyes as his unspoken revelation
washed over me.

I gasped, shaking my
head in disbelief.

“No!”

“I was there, Tori. I
was a first responder on the scene that night. I
saw
you. I saw the
compress you made from your shirt; I saw your cut-up, bloody legs from crawling
across that road; and your hands that worked triple-time trying to keep her
alive. You did
everything
there was to do!”

I stumbled back,
breaking free of his touch. I slid down the overpass wall. Panic had
overwhelmed me again. The tremors that shot through my body were explosive.

Chaos was closing in on
my world. The safe, untainted world I’d found in Kai had just been assaulted by
death’s thievery.

I shook my head, trying
to grasp it, trying to comprehend what he had just revealed. “You...you were
there? You were at my accident?”

“Yes. I’ve wanted to
tell you so many times, Tori, but I didn’t know how. I was too afraid you’d
push me away…and I couldn’t be without you, not once I’d found you, not once I
knew
you,” Kai said.

And then...there was
nothing
.

No fight.

No anger.

Just. Hollow. Space.

He took a step closer.
I couldn’t move.

“It was your empathy
that captured me that night, Tori—your
compassion
. I’ve never seen
anything like it. I work with men and women every day that are supposed to care
like that, and nothing holds a candle to what I saw in you that night. What you
did for Anna—a stranger—was nothing short of heroic,” he said, staring at me
intently. “I went to the hospital several times, asking about you. And then one
day…you weren’t there. I thought about you all the time and then-”

 “
Jack
,” I
whispered, my brain finally catching up.

“Yes, but he doesn’t
share your last name, Tori. I didn’t know he was your brother-in-law until I
met your parents and then I put the pieces together. I came...I came to your
coming home party to-”

“To what, Kai? To see
if I was as
wrecked
and damaged as my mother thinks I am? You may have
seen me cradle a dead child in my arms, but that does not mean I need to be
rescued—not by
you
!”

Rage.

Hot. Burning. Rage. 

“No! I went to
understand
why
I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I wanted to talk to
you, to be your friend and then…I fell in love you,” he said, taking several
more steps toward me.

I backed away, pushing
my hand out to stop him.

“Don’t, please don’t
touch me,” I said.

“Victoria, I
love
you! I never knew the meaning of those words, until
you
. I’m sorry I
didn’t tell you sooner, I never wanted to hurt you,” Kai said, gripping his
head with his hands, pacing.

“I know you’ll need
time to process this, but please...please don’t doubt that it’s you who owns my
heart,
Pele
. I love you.”

And then a memory from
a different time and place, with a different boy, flooded my mind.

Just. Like. Ian.

Kai’s words were
tainted, devalued, and compromised by guilt.

Would that phrase ever
mean something real?

Sorrow stained his face
with tears, tugging at my heart. I had the sudden urge to forget my pain and
fall into his arms, to wipe away his tears. But the urge passed, and the pain
spread deeper.

I stood motionless.

“Please, just let me
take you home...we can talk more in the truck,” he said, holding out his hand
to me.

His hand.

I stared at it.

Was it Kai’s hands that
had pulled me off her?

I didn’t move. I
couldn’t move. My eyes focused on a place beyond him, a place empty and void of
all life. A place I begged would swallow me whole and leave nothing behind.

There was a flash of
light, blinding me momentarily. Kai pulled me back, away from the center of the
overpass we stood under. The light grew brighter. I blinked rapidly, willing my
eyes to focus. An old Chevy truck finally slowed to a stop.

The face of the driver
I knew, I’d shared a coffee with him only hours before.

Briggs
.

My body sprang into
action. I ran to his window, rain soaking me through, again. Briggs’ eyes met
mine with curiosity and surprise.

“Tori, what’s-”

“Did you mean it when
you said I could ask you for anything?”

“Yes, but wh-”

“I need a ride home...
right
now
.” I was nothing short of desperate. By the look in his eyes, he
understood that.

“Okay...get in,” he
said, obviously bewildered.

I did so, immediately.

Briggs opened his door
and stepped out into the rain as I secured my seatbelt. Apparently, he was
seeking some sort of silent approval from Kai. I tapped my foot anxiously. I
wanted to leave.

Before I had time to
react, Kai was at my door, rain streaking down his face as his eyes met mine.
Despite the war raging inside me, I couldn’t look away from him.

His eyes were haunting.

He put his hand on my
window, “Please don’t do this, Tori. Please don’t leave like this.”

I turned my head away,
refusing to cry another tear in front of him; I had shed too many tears
already.

A second later, I heard
him say, “Just get her home safely.”

And then Briggs was in
the truck and we were driving away.

Away from Kai.

Away from hope.

Away from love.

But not away from
death, that was inescapable.

I closed my eyes and
laid my head on the window. The cold glass acted as an ice pack to my puffy eye
and cheek. Briggs was quiet. I was grateful.

There was nothing to be
said.

He knew this ugly truth,
of course he knew. I would be willing to bet he had known it from the very
beginning, but there were levels to betrayal. Briggs had hurt me, but Kai had
crippled me.

The drive home was
long. I feigned sleep.

The only words spoken
were when Briggs needed to stop for gas about thirty minutes out. He’d asked if
I wanted anything from the store. I shook my head, closing my eyes once again.

 What would I tell
Stacie?

The thought alone was
exhausting.

Briggs took his time in
the store, finally coming back to the truck with a banana and a water bottle. He
handed them both to me. Instinctively I took them, but they remained in my lap
until we pulled into Stacie’s driveway.

He made a move to open
his door.

“Please don’t get out,
Briggs. Thank you though...for this, for helping me tonight,” I said.

He nodded, a painful
expression appearing on his face. “Tori?”

I turned to look at him
as I opened my door.

“He really does
love
you. Process through this however you need to, but don’t let it be the end to what
you have with him. What you
feel
right now is different than how things
really are.”

“Unfortunately, I know
that...all too well.” I closed the truck door behind me and walked up the porch
steps.

As I pushed open the
front door, it was met with resistance. My wet camping gear was sitting in the
entry way.

Kai’s already been
here.

Stacie stood just
beyond the soggy pile. As she opened her arms to me, my body went limp.

Together, we sobbed.

Kai had told her.

The only marker of time
that existed was Stacie’s impending due date, now just over ten weeks away.
She’d been gone Christmas shopping for hours, picking things up for Jack’s
arrival after the new year. Like usual though, I declined her invitation to “come
with”.

Things at the hospital
had slowed down substantially, my on-call hours all but gone. That fact was
ironic since I now had more time on my hands than ever before. I’d found new
ways to fill the empty hours in my day though, besides my running, which had
increased considerably.

One new time-killing
hobby was
baking
.

When I’d refused to
leave the house for nearly a week after “the event” with Kai, Stacie had called
a mandatory meeting with Dr. Crane. It was at that meeting, that this new,
mind-numbing outlet was suggested for me. I’d never done much in the kitchen,
nor cared much about sweets, but as Dr. Crane put it, “the holidays are a
wonderful time to give back”.

So here I was now,
giving back.

I had learned to bake:
cupcakes, pies, cobblers, cookies, sugar cut-outs, and jelly thumbprints (those
were Stacie’s favorites). Stacie and I had a list of organizations to deliver
them to around Dallas every week. Though I didn’t find much joy in making them,
giving them away was the highlight of my week. As long as I could keep my day
full, it was one more day I had moved forward.

One more day I had
chosen to overcome my heartache.

With the increased
visits to see Dr. Crane, my feelings had started to thaw. I was breaking them
out of the ice boxes they’d been trapped in for well over a year. There wasn’t
much that I wouldn’t tell her now. I had a whole new perspective on secrets,
and I refused to let them take me down.

One nearly had, just
six weeks ago.

Dr. Crane called it my
“healthy anger”, but I knew the root wasn’t from a place of health at all. It
was from hurt. Kai had hurt me, deeply.

We didn’t talk much
anymore about the night in the hail storm with Kai. We had ridden that
Ferris-wheel to the ground and back and there was nothing left that hadn’t been
said already. Her feelings were different than mine on the subject, but I knew
I couldn’t love a man who could keep such a secret from me, no matter what his
intention.

The challenge now was
making my heart believe that, too.

Those first weeks had
been dark, frighteningly similar to a darkness I could easily recall from my
not-so-distant past. Kai had called me of course, but Stacie had played the
role of mediator. I was beyond grateful to her for that. In the beginning she
had urged me to meet with him, to hear him out. She soon realized, though, that
her efforts to convince me were futile.

Eventually, she stopped
persisting.

Apart from what I
considered an unforgivable lack of integrity and judgment, I knew he’d never
force his presence on me, unless I asked for it. He wasn’t overbearing or
disrespectful. He was a gentleman—always.

My view of God had been
yet another element of change in my quest to move forward, perhaps the most
surprising to date. Though I wouldn’t say we were
close
, I could no
longer deny His existence. I also couldn’t deny that He’d heard me, on a very
desperate day, crying out on the floor of a forest.

Despite the fact that
our future together was no more, I’d never wish for a different outcome. Kai
had lived, and God had revealed himself. Why He would choose to save Kai and
not Anna I still questioned. But that was one battle I had grown weary of
fighting.