All For Anna (36 page)

He stared at me a long
minute more and then ran his hand along the back his head. The movement made
his hair rumple and stray, causing me to flush. I loved that rumpled hair.

“I’m glad you’re doing
well...that’s all I ever wanted for you,” he said.

This is unbearable! 

“Merry Christmas, Kai,”
I said.

“Merry Christmas,
Tori.”

As I turned to break
away, a thought flashed in my mind.

The list...my list.

But even as I thought
it, I knew I couldn’t do it.

Not here. Not like
this.

I wasn’t strong enough
tonight.

I had taken no more
than five steps when I heard his voice behind me. I stopped. A shiver crept
down my spine. Unwilling to be caught in yet another agonizing trance, I didn’t
turn around. I couldn’t face him again so soon.

“Will I see you on New
Year’s Eve? At the benefit?” 

His voice was nothing
short of desperate now, and something physically broke inside me at the sound
of it. One stay tear slid down my cheek.

That was it, the
opportunity I needed.

It was the last day of
the year, a last chance to reconcile the loss of what we had. 

I nodded and simply
said, “I’ll be there.”

**********

I watched my Mother
clear the dishes after Christmas supper. The morning had been filled with
stockings and gifts, followed by a visit to my parent’s house where the meal
was exquisite enough to feed a royal family. Of course, the main course had all
been pre-ordered and catered, but it was delicious just the same. I’d brought
several plates of baked goods to add to the mix—my therapy working overtime.

Though I fought to wear
a face of good tidings and joy, inside I felt anything but. I had struggled
through most of the day, pushing aside the picture that kept trying to make its
way to the front of my mind: Kai’s eyes. Despite the many distractions around
me, it proved an impossible task.

I picked up a rag and
quietly helped to dry the serving dishes that lay on the counter. I could hear
Jack telling a story about his parasailing experience as my dad and Stacie
enjoyed their decaf coffee near the fireplace in the den. My mother’s hands,
delicate and prim, washed the dishes, her manicured fingers, sudsy.

I swallowed hard,
thinking for a moment about the list that lay on my dresser at home. Her name
was second from the top. I hadn’t actually imagined ever crossing it off, but
there was no time like the present—holiday or not.

My heart hammered
against my chest.

“It’s been wonderful to
have you back home, Victoria,” my mother said.

“Thanks, it’s been...a
nice Christmas,” I said.

Laying down her final
pot, I took in a deep breath. Conjuring up every last bit of bravery I had, I
opened my mouth.

Just start...then I’ll
have to finish.

“Do you think we could
take a walk, Mom?”

My mother looked at me,
her perfectly-aged face shadowing with apprehension.

“Just you and I…right
now?”

“Yes, if that’s okay,”
I said.

“Sure...I’ll go get our
coats.”

**********

The air was crisp, our
scarves, gloves and thick wool coats protecting us from the bite in the wind.
Stepping out, my mother immediately filled the silence with her next home
improvement plan. This one consisted of a play-cottage and swing set for her
future grandchildren. After describing in detail the area to which she thought
best for such a feature, I interjected, cautiously.

“Mom, I’ve been doing a
lot of thinking lately...about the past,” I stammered.

She turned her head
toward me, but kept her eyes low, contributing nothing to my unexpected
announcement. I went on.

“It’s been easy for me
to think that this last year and a half had only affected me—that I was the
only one who’d been struggling,” I said.

She nodded now, slowly.

I continued, “But, I am
starting to realize, that might not be entirely accurate.”

She stopped walking. It
took me a second to realize she was two steps behind me when I turned around to
face her.

Her eyebrows set into a
deep pensive stare before a reply was offered.

“Victoria...you’re
right, that’s not accurate at all,” she said.

I felt a spark of heat
in the base of my stomach and pushed it down. I took a deep breath.

Stay calm; this is an
apology, not an argument.

“Well...I’ve been in a
rough place for a while now, Mom, and I know I haven’t done a good job at
communicating-”

“No, you haven’t. Your
father and I have never had a more difficult year in our almost thirty years of
marriage. We’ve been worried sick over you, never knowing where you were or how
you were...never able to get a straight answer from you. All we ever heard were
excuses and conversations about anything and
everything,
but
yourself...and that’s all we’ve ever been concerned about,” she said, a new
passion filling in her voice—strong, yet pained.

I could feel my insides
ignite again, this time they burned dangerously close to the edge, an edge that
threatened my safety—
my truth.
I bit the inside of my cheeks, feeling my
face grow hard.

But she continued on,
unaffected.

“You treat us like we
don’t
care
about you, like we aren’t the parents that have watched you
grow up...nurturing you, providing for you,
loving
you. And yet, you
keep pushing us away every chance you get. I’ve prayed so much, Victoria. I
keep asking God to reveal to me what has caused this callousness in you. I am
still so uncertain. When you left us without a goodbye it...it
broke
my
heart. Do you have any idea what that did to me as your mother?”

The fire was unleashed.
It jumped over every boundary, every restraint that I had put in place.

“Well, let me clear it
up for you,
Mother.
I left because I knew no one could understand me
or-”

“How could we,
Victoria, you never gave us the chance?”

I stared at her, fear
momentarily choking my earlier resolve.

“What?” she asked,
hands gesturing broadly in the air.

“You never
gave
me
a chance,” I said, my voice low and hard.

“What do you mean? What
are you-”

“I
heard
you,
Mother! The week before my graduation, I heard you tell Dad that I was ‘wrecked
for life!’”

Pain ripped through me,
as if I was hearing it again for the first time. Her hand flew to her mouth,
eyes panicked. I looked down at the road.

My heart was going to
explode.

“Victoria...you...I...,”
she started.

Tears stung my eyes. I
wanted to run away, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be anywhere but here,
stuck in this raw moment of weakness.

“I never meant that,
Victoria. I was in pain-” she said, shaking her head.

“You?
You
were
in pain? I had just been in an accident! I had just taken the life of a six
year old girl! I was the one in pain, Mom...ME!”

The volume I had
managed to keep low only seconds earlier was back now with a vengeance. She
stumbled back a few steps as if shocked by my tone, shocked by my words,
shocked by my
truth
.

She covered her face
with her hands.

“I’m so sorry you heard
that, and I’m even sorrier that
I said it. I was grieving, Victoria—
for
you
. I wanted so badly to take away your pain and I knew nothing I could do
would fix it. I was scared for you, but I was wrong...I was so wrong to say
that,” she said, staring at me, “I wasn’t trusting in God.”

Her last words cracked
me, breaking the hardened shell that had quickly grown back around my heart
against her. I couldn’t look at her face; it was too raw, too filled with
regret. I took several deep breaths in the silence, drawing from a place
within, a place that I’d only recently invited in for the first time.

“I forgive you, Mom.
But...I was wrong, too. I cut you out. I didn’t want you to know what I was
dealing with. I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone’s pity. I know that I hurt
you, and I know now that I hurt our whole family with my choice to leave. I
need to ask for your forgiveness, too.”

She reached for me, hugging me in the cold of
Christmas night. This embrace not only fought to let go of our past, it also
revived a need that had long been silenced: a need for my mother.

The bright yellow flier
caught my eye as I got into my car, the words bold and insistent. I thought
again about the opportunity I’d spoken to Dr. Bradley’s colleague about. Though
the work would prove arduous, the experience would be one I knew I’d never
forget. The reward for serving people in such great need would be incomparable.

Why wouldn’t I do it?

The answer was there
like the nagging presence of a hangnail, his face burned in my memory.

Soon I’ll have
closure...with everything.

After New Years, I
would begin the necessary paperwork with the agency. Just a couple of weeks
after the baby was born, I’d be starting over again, this time in a new
country. I debated when the best time to tell Jack and Stacie would be, as well
as my parents.

I’d made an unspoken
promise to keep my family more apprised of my life decisions, but this proved
to be my first real test. Though I didn’t want to hide it, I knew the close
timing of the baby’s arrival was the priority. I didn’t want to distract from
it or be insensitive to Stacie’s ever-growing hormonal complexities.

Driving through the
farmlands on the old country highway brought my mind back into focus. I hoped
my recent revelation would bring the clarity I needed to move forward. I
meditated now on the words of Dr. Crane and then on the words that had echoed
over and over in my heart as of late. There was only one way to find out. I
slowed the car, parking just a few miles out. Taking a deep breath before
surveying my surroundings, I stepped out.

Outside the car, I
braced myself against the heavy steel door behind me. Reminded of the task at
hand, I zipped my sweatshirt higher, pulling on the hood and tying it tightly
around my ears and face. I started my run then on a road I’d seen a thousand times
in my mind, a road that had haunted me for far too long. I was exactly one mile
out now and could visualize what was up ahead, even without the sight to see
it.

Closure. This is part
of my closure.

I slowed as I
approached the grassy bank, my body reacting with dread. A hundred feet out, I
stopped completely. The scene before me was already in motion. Every detail was
exact, a perfect fit to the memory that had held it captive. My body knew this
land, this road, this setting, better than any place it had ever been. Though
yesterday it was still tainted by death, pain, and resistance, today I hoped
that would change. Today I hoped I would change.

The ground was hard and
cold, frozen beneath me. My knees grew numb as they touched the very spot where
they had once knelt to pray for a child, a child I’d held in my arms. The last
time I’d been here, I believed my skill and effort alone could save her, but
today I knew differently.

Today I knew I was
powerless to overcome on my own.

God, here I am. I don’t
know how to find closure in all of this, I don’t even know how to move on, but
I want to. I need to. I’ve been stuck here too long, in this place of death. How
do I find closure so I can live again?

And then…I knew.

**********

Stacie rested on the
couch as I cleaned up the Christmas aftermath around her. Her baby bump had
grown again. Within this last week I could see the toll it had started to take
on her energy level and her overall demeanor. Though she was still Stacie in so
many ways, I could sense a difference in her.

She often sighed as she
rubbed her tummy, seemingly off in another world, one that I couldn’t get
inside of no matter how I tried. Jack’s early arrival home had resolved her
issues of anxiety, and now she just wanted to hold her daughter.

She wanted to be a
mother. 

I watched her from the
dining room and smiled. Stacie, my older sister, Jack’s beautiful wife, would
become a mother in just shy of eight weeks. The thought alone was perfection.
There was no woman better suited for motherhood.

Stacie had always
played the role of bride or mom in our make-believe games as children. She had
carried the dolls and pushed the strollers. She had babysat during her summers
in middle and high school, on speed dial for the whole neighborhood.