All For Anna (38 page)

As we stopped at the
circular fountain, Kai slipped off his suit coat and offered it to me. He was
careful to keep his distance. I thought to refuse it at first, but knew without
it my lips would be too frozen to speak.

And I needed to speak.

The jacket provided
much more than warmth. It also seemed to provide strength and courage as well.
I wrapped it tightly around my middle, crossing my arms to keep it close to me.

“Thank you,” I said.

Kai nodded, again,
staring at me.

“Your song...was
beautiful,” I said.

He turned toward the
fountain, “I wrote it for you.”

I followed his gaze,
too caught up to respond. I knew the song had been for me. The words were far
too intimate not to have been his own, but the admission was still
overwhelming.

I took a slow breath
in, the cold evening air chilling me deep. I pulled the jacket closer. It
smelled of Kai, and that was all I wanted in this moment: more of him.

The sound from the
fountain was strangely calming as the five water peaks changed levels and
volumes, hitting the rock wall below. It was a nice distraction to watch as we
stood there together, both knowing there was much left to be said. Finally, he
turned and looked at me.

His face was full of torment.

“Tori, I have imagined
this moment so many times, but now that you’re here in front of me...” Kai shook
his head, as if unsure what to say next.

I met his eyes, willing
him to go on.

“I know after we speak
tonight, my wondering will be over and I’ll be left to deal with facts, not
just assumptions and feelings,” he continued.

My stomach flipped as a
new wave of sorrow washed over me, this time pulling me under, taking my breath
with it.

Does he know?

Does he know this is
goodbye?

He held my gaze. I knew
my face most likely mirrored his in this moment. It was marked by the
undeniable heartache that had settled between us.

“I know you must be
here for a reason, but I need you to know how truly sorry I am that I deceived
you, how deeply I regret keeping the truth from you for that long...for being a
coward
. There is no regret I suffer from more in all my life,” Kai said,
still looking at my face.

In that moment I was
sure, certain of my next move. I had thought the words, I had even written them
down time and time again in my journal, but speaking them had been the question
that had hovered in my mind for weeks.

Could I say them and
mean them?

The answer now was a
resounding
yes
.

A surge of courage
brought life back to my frozen body.

“Kai...I forgive you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner, but I mean it now. I forgive you.”

Kai’s entire
countenance lifted at my words. His eyes seemed to sparkle again as a heavy
sigh escaped from his lips.

“Thank you, Tori,” he
said, choked with emotion, “I’ve been so afraid you hated me.”

I closed my eyes, the
sting of his words burrowing deep, words that couldn’t have been farther from
the truth.

“I could
never
hate
you. Even at the peak of my anger I still believed you were a good man.”

The gap between us
closed before I knew he had even taken a step. He touched my shoulder, sending
a blaze of fire radiating through the thick fabric of his coat.

“And what do you
believe to be true now,
Pele
?” The deep strength in his voice had
returned, yet
I
was consumed with weakness. The flame worked its way
down through my core. My bare legs ignited the cold that enveloped them.

I was a pawn to its
warmth.

“I believe...I believe
you didn’t mean to hurt me, that your intention was
never
to hurt me,” I
said.

“And do you believe
that I’m
in
love
with you? That I
need
you? That I can’t
fathom my life without you in it for even one more second? Because all of that
is true, Tori. I can’t live without you anymore; it hurts too much to not be
with you. I
love
you.” His hand moved to my face, warming my cheek with
his fiery touch.

I lifted my hand to
rest on his and melted into it. I wanted this moment to last, to stretch until
morning. I wanted every morning after that, too. I wanted to tell him I felt
the same way.

I didn’t want to walk
away from him…but that’s what had to be done.

I’d made a promise to
myself; I didn’t break my promises.

“I believe you, Kai,
but-”

“But
what
? Can’t
we move past this, Tori? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to regain your
trust, to show you I can be the man you need me to be-”

“But that’s not what I
need
from you, Kai,” I said, my heart pounding a thousand beats a minute.

He lowered his hand
with mine, gripping it tightly in his. He stared into my eyes with desperation.
Tears filled and blurred my view of the only man I’d ever loved.

A man I was hurting.

“I need you to let me
go. There are things I have to do on my own. I’ve come too far, worked too hard
to stop this process before I can finally find a sense of freedom. You...you
started it for me, Kai. You stirred the desire for me to want to live outside
of Anna’s shadow, but you can’t finish it for me. I have to do it,” I said.

He pulled me into his
arms and held me in a way that no other person ever had. I wanted to weep, yet
I wanted to hide at the same time. I wanted to be led into his refuge, away
from the sadness, away from the pain. Minutes passed before I felt the soft
shudder of his body, no sound to be heard.

And then I felt it on
my cheek: a tear, foreign to my own eyes. And then I felt another and another.
Silence hung between us and I burrowed myself deeper into his chest, deeper
into his hold on me.

I would not be the first
one to let go.

I was the coward.

“I can see a change in
you. It’s like you’ve been transformed. I saw it even from across the church
last week at the pageant,” he said.

I listened to the sound
of his heartbeat as I rested my ear against his chest. 

“I’ve prayed so much
for that, Tori. I prayed that you would find God and that you would
stop
running
.”

I lifted my head at
those words.

I had heard those words
countless times before, just as loud and clear as the heartbeat I was hearing now
in his chest.

“I wish this wasn’t the
end, Kai,” I said.

Holding my arms in his
hands firmly, he pushed me back slightly to look in my eyes. Our bodies were
still close—still touching.

“It doesn’t have to be.”
He paused as he searched my face. “Do you really feel I’ll hold you back…from
healing? Is this really what you need from me?”

I swallowed hard. “Yes,
it’s what I need.”

He closed his eyes. A
single tear slid down past his jaw and dropped onto my arm, absorbing at once
into the jacket I wore.

“Then I won’t
argue...even if...”

He couldn’t finish the
sentence.

I knew what it meant
and it would hurt too much to hear him say it.

An explosion of sound
filled the air around us: screams, shouts, fireworks and music. The reality of
the moment we shared broke into our intimate conversation.

It was midnight, on New
Year’s Eve.

In the same exact
instant our eyes met, a desperate intensity sparked between us. This was our
last chance. This was our goodbye.

There was no leader;
the kiss was desired equally by us both. There was no beginning, just a
relentless passion that multiplied itself with each passing second. He held my
head in his hands as heat blazed down the back of my neck. I strained forward
to keep his lips on mine. I’d missed him, more than I ever dared to realize.

With him my heart felt
whole, restored and complete.

I love him.

My arms moved from his
chest to his shoulders, pulling him toward me, willing him to keep me close.
When I felt his grip start to loosen in my hair, I stood up on my tip toes,
tightening my arms around his neck. I forced him to lift me off the ground and
continue what I couldn’t bear to end. His hands were now tight around my waist,
supporting my body as I refused to acknowledge the truth about this kiss.

This kiss was to be our
last.

His lips stopped moving
after a moment more. His breath was labored and quick as he pulled away from
me. My name he whispered softly in my ear, bringing me back to my senses, to my
reality, to my promise. As he lowered me onto to the ground I felt dizzy,
intoxicated from his touch. I stabled myself on his outstretched arm, finding
my footing once more.

“I’ll let you go for
now,
Pele
, but not forever. Whatever you have to do, wherever you have
to go, I’ll keep loving you. I’ll keep waiting for you...praying for you,” he
said.

His face shadowed again
with pain.

I love you, Kai. I love
you!

“Goodbye, Kai.”

He shook his head,
refusing to say it back to me. A new set of tears filled my eyes as I stared at
his stubborn resolve. I took off his jacket and held it out to him. He refused
it as well.

I shivered, bare, and
exposed without the warmth it provided. He stood looking at me, unmoved. I
didn’t want to leave like this, without the closure I had come for. I needed
something concrete, something more than a passionate kiss shared on New Year’s
Eve. I needed something more than an unconditional declaration of love.

Those words had only
bred new hope, not finality.

Not closure.

“Please, Kai. I need to
hear you say it...please just tell me goodbye,” I pleaded.

He exhaled slowly, and
with a look that could chill a flame he said, “Until then,
Pele
.”

With that, he turned
and walked away.

I stood alone, holding
his jacket in my arms, trembling in the cold. I put it on again, watching him
until he was completely out of sight. There was no point in trying to stop the
tears now.

 Making my way through
the parking lot to the valet booth, the world around me hummed. A new year had
begun. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of Kai’s jacket and felt something
crinkle beneath the weight of my fingers.

The lyrics to his song—
my
song
.

I placed them on the
dashboard once inside my car. Reading them through slowly, the last verse and
chorus came alive with new meaning.

I only want to see you
freed

Outside the walls you
cannot see

So break away from
debts not yours

Receive the grace
that's been out-poured

So take your time and
take your space

I’ll be here while you
navigate

My love for you alone
will wait

My love for you alone
will wait

Kai had known. In his
own way, within his own words, he had known.

I wished that fact alone would bring me
comfort, but I couldn’t feel anything but the cold.

Two weeks had passed,
bringing the coldest January known to Dallas in over forty years. The air had
been frigid, but it was the increased precipitation that was the concern of
many. Black ice and freezing rain had meant more automobile accidents and slips
and falls by unassuming folks, especially the elderly. The ER had been packed,
the majority transported by emergency vehicles. I had worked several extra
shifts to help lighten the load, always searching the faces of the EMTs who delivered
our patients.

I had not seen Kai
since New Year’s Eve.

Dr. Crane had returned
from her holiday vacation, but her schedule was working overtime. My
appointment had been bumped to the end of the week and I found myself looking
forward to meeting with her—only more proof that change was indeed taking
place. Since I’d begun my therapy last September, this was the longest break
I’d had from seeing her. It felt strange that several significant events had
transpired without her knowing. 

I walked down the
hallway past the nurse’s station to a tiny workspace in the corner. I’d been
inside only once before, the day of my job interview with Meg Holt. She was
working on the department schedule as I tapped lightly on the framed glass. She
waved me in.