All For Anna (28 page)

“Is this your first
trip out here, Carla?” I asked her.

“No, I came last year
when Mike and I were still engaged. It was a really great time, especially the
campfire singing,” she said, eyes glowing bright in the light of the fire.

“Oh, there’s singing?”
I asked.

Mrs. Julie and Clara
looked at each other and grinned.

“Oh yes darlin’,
there’s lots of singing,” Mrs. Julie said.

Chief Max and Briggs
both carried guitars over to the circle. Mike and Kai followed as soon as the
last plate was tossed. Kai came over to me on the tree log I was sitting on and
wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I was wearing a sweatshirt, but the
instant the sun had set behind the hill, the temperature seemed to have dropped
twenty degrees. I rubbed at my arms.

“Where’s your coat,
Pele
?”
Kai asked leaning in close.

“I think it’s still in
the cab, I’ll go-”

“Stay. I’ll be right
back,” Kai said.

In a minute he was back
with my coat and a blanket for my lap. I was grateful for the immediate warmth
they provided. Chief Max started to strum and sing an old country tune that I’d
never heard before, and Briggs and Kai both joined in. Soon the whole group was
singing. It was a magical moment. Singing in the great outdoors was
exhilarating.

A few more songs were
played, some silly, some fast and rockin’, some simple and fun. Briggs played
very well and seemed to compliment whatever Chief Max strummed. It was
impressive to watch. The chief soon pointed to Kai.

“Okay Mr. Hot Shot
contest winner, let’s hear from you now,” Chief Max said.

“What?” I asked,
looking at Kai.

“He won the contest at
the fireman's ball. You better slug him for not telling you, Tori, or I will,”
Briggs said.

I stared at Kai in
surprise; he smiled sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, so now you’re
going to play modest?” Briggs said.

“You’d better stuff it
before I jump you over this fire pit,” Kai said to Briggs, who apparently got
the not-so-subtle-hint. 

“Congratulations,” I
said, patting his knee.

He grabbed my hand and
kissed it, asking for forgiveness without uttering a single word. I smiled back
at him. He was forgiven.

Kai looked again at the
Chief.

“Let’s do a few church
songs, Kai,” Chief Max said.

“Sure thing, sir. What
do ya have in mind?”

I looked around at the
rest of the group anxiously. All seemed to be nodding in agreement. I stared
down at my hands, picking at a non-existent hang nail. Soon, the guitar started
up again.

Kai led the group in a
few songs that sounded familiar, yet had words I didn’t know, not that I would
have sung them if I did. I listened as their voices rose above the crackling of
the fire. Kai’s strong voice sent chills up my spine. When the last song ended,
Kai asked for Briggs’ guitar, which he willingly handed over.

Kai began to pluck and
strum. Again, I was surprised. He winked at me before his face grew thoughtful,
pensive.

The chords of this song
I did know.

I had heard it last at
Anna’s funeral. My heart began to pound hard inside my chest, while Kai’s voice
registered on every note with exact precision.

“Amazing Grace, how
sweet the sound

That saved a wretch
like me

I once was lost, but
now I’m found

Was blind, but now I
see”

I could hear Mrs.
Julie’s beautiful harmony rise and fall as Kai bellowed out the strong notes,
holding them for long seconds at a time before changing chords. After several
verses, a new melody flowed; he sang without missing a beat. The words he sang
were of redemption, love and freedom.

Words I could not
relate to.

The voices that
accompanied him were strong and rich. They matched the strength of Kai’s strum
until the very last line where no music played at all. It was simply and
indisputably angelic. No one moved for what felt like an eternity.

The fire held the gaze
of everyone in the circle, except for mine. I looked around at each face,
curious why this song had felt like more than a just a tune, but rather some
intimate declaration that I didn’t understand.

Chief Max stood and
reached for his wife’s hand.

“Well you young pups,
Mrs. Julie and I are going to retire in our quiet resort back yonder. I’ll see
y’all in the morning for pancakes and coffee. Boys, can you figure out shifts
to keep the fire going?” Chief Max asked, exaggerating his Texan charm just a
tad.

“Yes, sir,” the guys
said in unison.

Next, Mike and Carla
left the group claiming they were
tired
. Briggs guffawed as they exited.
I shot him a look of disapproval and he immediately straightened, calling out a
polite “goodnight” to them both.

“Well, I’m gonna hit
the sack and let you two love birds do your
thang
,” Briggs said.

“You don’t need to go
anywhere, Briggs. Sit down, hang out with us,” I said, sounding a bit like a
bossy, younger sister.

“Nah, I actually had a
really late night last night, so I’m pretty beat. Maybe we can play some cards
tomorrow evening though—after the old marrieds head to bed?”

“Sounds like fun,” I
said.

Kai handed Briggs his
guitar back and we watched him walk out of view to his tent. He wrapped his arm
around my shoulder again as I leaned my head against his chest.

“You have an amazing
voice, Kai,” I said.

“Thank you...and I’m
sorry I didn’t tell you about the contest.”  

I sat up, remembering.

“Why didn’t you?” I
asked.

“Honestly, I forgot at
first, and then...I guess I didn’t want you to think that’s why I sang that
night,” he said.

“Why would that matter?
It was special no matter if you were in a contest or not, no one had ever sang
to me before,” I said, laying my head back down.

We sat watching the
fire together for a while, Kai playing with my hair. “What did you think of the
campfire tonight?”

I knew what he was
referring to. My usual instinct of avoiding this subject at all cost stayed
dormant. I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but I decided I would play
along…at least until it woke up again.

“It was nice,” I said.

Kai waited for me to
say more, his silence pushing me on. I pulled the blanket on my lap higher, and
clasped my hands over the top of it. Kai’s hand remained in my hair as I took a
deep breath.

“I don’t know...I feel
very disconnected from people like you and the others here, Kai, maybe even
envious at times.”

Kai stopped playing
with my hair. I turned to face him.

“Please explain what
you mean.”

Great, how do I explain
this without sounding completely pathetic?

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try.”

“Faith looks so easy
for y’all. You sing these songs with conviction, you listen to sermons you
trust in, you pray and actually
believe
God can hear you and talk back
to you…it’s not like that for me,” I said.

 “Faith isn’t easy for
anyone, Tori, even the strongest believers I know struggle at times. If it was
easy
,
there would be no alternative religions or people who claim God doesn’t exist.
Faith is
faith
because it takes active belief to trust that God is who
He says He is,” Kai said.

“Then maybe that’s
what’s so hard for me to believe. If God is good like He says-”

“Then why do horrible
things happen? Why do little girls die in car accidents?”

I turned my head to
stare into the fire again.

I trust him…I can do
this. I can talk to him about this.

“God is loving, just,
and kind. Because of that, He offered us freedom in a world that was doomed
with failure and imperfection. He gave us freedom to choose how we would live,
instead of dictating our every thought and move like some mythical Zeus-type
god.” Kai picked up my hand and intertwined our fingers, causing me to connect
to him as he spoke.

“This world is full of
pain and darkness. There’s cancer, death, sickness, heartache…but God is not
the
cause
of our suffering. He does not rejoice in our pain here on
earth, this was never how He intended it to be. Instead, he mourns
with
us. Despite what you want to believe, He
loves
you Tori…and He
loved
Anna, too.”

My chest ached with
longing. I wanted to believe him, I just…
couldn’t
. Anna’s death was on
my hands—not his. I knew Kai had seen horrible tragedies in his line of work,
but it was not the same as being the cause of one. The sad feeling I had felt
in Dr. Crane’s office came over me again, but this time it was more than just
sadness, it was
hopelessness
. 

“I’m really tired,” I
said. Though my body wasn’t yet exhausted, my mind was.

I was done thinking.

“Tori, you can
know
God.
If there is hope for me—there is hope for you, too. And that’s a promise I’d
stake my life on,” Kai said. “Now, let’s go get you settled in for the night.”

He took my hand and
helped me up. I appreciated how Kai knew when I’d had enough. He had never
pushed me further than I could go, but he also didn’t let me off the hook
without a challenge. He was a good balance for me, even if we’d never see eye
to eye on that particular topic.

In reality, Kai’s tent
was only a few feet away from mine, but in the dark, it felt as if the Pacific
Ocean was in between us. He had laid a thick mat down for me before putting
Stacie’s sleeping bag and pillow on top. The temperature was dropping at a
rapid rate. I pulled an extra pair of socks on my feet before he carried his
lantern out of my tent, along with himself.

“Goodnight
Pele
,
if you need anything…please wake me.”

With that, I laid my head down on the pillow.
In complete darkness, I zipped my sleeping bag up to my chin and willed myself
to fall asleep.

I woke up in a puddle
of ice water—not really, but you sure could have fooled me. I opened my eyes in
a panic; everything around me felt wet to the touch, even my face and hair. The
air hurt to breathe and my nose ached from the frigid exposure.

I pulled my hood
tighter around my head, but there was no noticeable difference in warmth. The
silky cool of the sleeping bag acted like damp Saran Wrap against my body and
legs, causing me to shiver uncontrollably. I thought then about what I had
packed in my duffel bag.

Maybe I could layer
myself with all the clothing I brought?

The one gigantic
problem with that strategy was I would have to
get out
of my sleeping
bag to do it. That thought alone was enough to make me want to cry frozen tear
drops. I shivered again.

Reaching back behind my
head, I searched for my phone. I needed to figure out what time it was. That
would determine whether or not I was willing to climb out into the frozen
tundra. If it was close to morning, I would wait it out, will myself to sleep.
If not, I would have to risk the cold and go for my bag.

2:24 a.m.

No way! I’ve only been
asleep for three hours?

I counted to ten in my
head and then made the mad dash, which consequently, was more like a slow,
awkward stumble. Using the glow of my cell phone light, I searched for my
duffle. The cold hit me like an arctic wave the second my foot hit the floor of
the tent.

My breathing came only
in short, rapid gasps as I fumbled with the zipper on my luggage. Each time I
pulled at it, it slipped through my fingers. I couldn’t grip.

I tried again.

This time I was able to
move it several more inches before it slipped out for a second time.

“Dang it!”

My body shook with
spasms now. My hands were aching painfully and my eyes felt as if the air was
slicing them open each time I blinked.

“Tori...are you okay?”

My head snapped up in
attention. Darkness consumed all space around me, but I knew it was Kai’s voice
I had heard. He was outside my tent door.

“Kai?” My teeth were
chattering so hard I wasn’t sure if he would hear me.

He unzipped the door
and held his lantern up to my face. His eyes narrowed.

“You’re freezing,” Kai
said.

He went over to my
sleeping bag and held the lantern up to it, throwing his head back in
aggravation.

“What’s...what’s...wrong?”
I chattered.

“This bag is not for
camping, Tori. It’s only rated down to 50 degrees! That’s barely good enough
for
indoor
sleeping. Go get in my tent,” he said.