Always (10 page)

He seemed to come out of the past then and laughed at my statement. It was a slightly strangled sound, but it was a laugh. “That’s exactly what I mean.” He nudged me playfully. “What was the last thing you and your Aunt Dora disagreed on?”

He wasn’t really watching me when he asked, so I was sure he didn’t see the unease creep into my expression. I lowered my eyes. The last thing we had disagreed about was the only time I could remember when our minds clashed so obviously. It had been nearly a month ago now–when Edmund Harris proposed to me. I had not wanted to accept him. In fact, even now I wasn’t sure marrying Edmund was the best idea. But what could I do?

I looked up into a pair of deep blue eyes, radiating nothing but concern. “We don’t have to talk about it,” he spoke gently.

Chapter
Eleven

I tucked my hair behind my ears before I could look up at him. “It’s okay,” I said, “I don’t mind.”

“
You two argued about whether you should marry Edmund Harris or not?”

“
Yeah,” I responded softly–no longer surprised that he knew exactly what I was thinking without my saying anything.

“
Was it a bad fight?”

“
I told her I didn’t love Edmund, but she thinks I will learn to love him.” I fidgeted self-consciously with the ripped hem of my nightgown. Why was I telling him such intimate things? What was wrong with me? I was sure that he couldn’t possibly care.

“
Aunt Dora says that marriage doesn’t need love to work.” I recalled that Marcus had said the same things by the fire the night before. I didn’t agree with them, though. I had always secretly hoped that one day I would marry for love. It hadn’t seemed such a far off thing then.

“
How did he propose?” Marcus broke into my stray thoughts.

“
Umm,” I stuttered, “well, it wasn’t anything too fancy.” My memories took me back to the day that Edmund Harris had proposed.

“
I spoke with your uncle, Miss Sinclair.” He stood awkwardly a few feet from where I sat.

I only managed not to run from the room by counting my heartbeats. One, two, three, four. “Was it a…pleasant discussion?” I pressed my hands tightly together in my lap.

“
Very,” he smiled for the first time, but it disappeared quickly. “We have decided between the two of us that marriage between us would be welcomed.”

I felt the air whoosh in and out of my lungs, but it felt like I couldn’t get enough air. “You and Uncle Philip?” I squeaked.

His nose wrinkled in disgust and his eyes narrowed. He quickly closed the distance between us. “No, Claudia,” he sat across from me, “you and I.”

“
Oh,” I kept my eyes open wide. I knew if I blinked, I would cry and crying would not be an appropriate response to a marriage proposal.

“
He just basically said that our marriage would be…good,

”
I told Marcus, who was waiting patiently for my answer.

“
Not very romantic, is he?”

“
I’m glad he wasn’t,” I scoffed.

“
I thought women liked romantic suitors.”

I shook my head. “I wouldn’t have known what to say if he had tried.” I didn’t join in Marcus’s laughter. “Edmund is a very practical man.”

“
I just assumed…” he let his voice trail off.

“
Assumed what?”

“
You’re not wealthy.”

“
That is an easy assumption to make and you would be correct.” Of course he knew that.

“
I wasn’t finished.” I bit the inside of my lip. “I had assumed before that since you weren’t wealthy, it must mean that you were marrying for love. Then when you told me you didn’t love each other, I was surprised.”

“
Edmund’s mother wanted him to marry a nice quiet girl from the country; someone he can easily mold.”

He tilted his head slightly. “Has she met you?”

Laughter bubbled forth on my lips. “I know this is hard to believe and you better not laugh,” I warned sternly, “but normally, I don’t run through the woods with strange men.”

“
No?”

“
No. And I’m usually dressed quite properly and I behave quite properly.”

“
That sounds quite boring.”

“
And,” I continued primly, “I am even considered attractive by some.”

“
You?” His eyes widened.

“
Yes!”

“
I don’t see it.”

“
Hey,” I pushed his shoulder playfully. We both laughed at our own silliness.

“
Okay, maybe a little,” he conceded.

“
I wasn’t always like that, though.”

“
Attractive?”

“
Not what I meant,” I pretended to glare at him. “There was a time when I thought I would marry for love.”

“
Uh-oh,” he widened his eyes.

“
My parents married for love; and so did Aunt Dora and Uncle Philip.”

“
So did Sylvia and David.”

“
See? It is possible to marry for love.”

“
Yet, you are settling for a marriage of convenience.”

“
Perhaps if someone I loved would ask me,” I looked up at him through lowered lashes. I saw his lips clamp tight, but I forged ahead. “Like if you would ask, I’m sure I would say yes.”

I was sitting so close to him that I was almost leaning against his shoulder. If I just moved my head a few inches, I would be touching him. He stood up so suddenly that I had to put my hand on the ground to stop myself from falling.

“
You need to get these ideas of marriage out of your head,” he snapped.

“
I…I just…”

“
You just what, Claudia?” His scowl darkened further.

“
I didn’t mean anything, Marcus. I was just…” I stopped talking, unable to say anymore.

He leaned down to get directly in my face, “I will never marry. I cannot marry and I have no intention of ever marrying anyone. It’s not possible.”

“
Okay,” I tried to make my eyes wide so I wouldn’t cry.

“
Get your boots back on. It’s time for you to go home.”

Tears sprang to my eyes as I blindly reached for my discarded boots. He was right, he had told me that he would never marry. I was an idiot for even bringing it up.

I was too ashamed to look at him with tears streaming down my face. I had assumed too much. I liked him so very well and he was laughing with me; I had dared to hope that maybe…

I let out a forced breath and pulled on my left boot without even bothering to clean the mud from my toes. I needed to hurry and get my boots on so he wouldn’t have to keep staring down at me.

What must he be thinking? What a foolish, foolish girl I had shown myself to be. Now he would discard me back home and I may never see him again. Surely now he would hide away in his home until I was safely away in London. I could only hope that he wouldn’t tell David or Sylvia how I had behaved.

I was confident that no one else would ever know of our night of adventure, but would he tell his family? Would they all laugh together over the hasty words I had spoken?

I almost groaned at the thought. I pulled on my other boot and pushed myself up off the ground. I was thankful that I was mostly dry and for once in my life, I was glad for being short. At least now I could hide from the disgust in his face.

“
Are you ready?” he asked a little less harshly.

“
Yep,” I nodded, still only looking at the ground.

“
Claudia…”

“
I’m fine,” I tucked my hair behind my ear and tried to get past him without looking up.

“
You just don’t understand,” he said softly.

“
I do,” I sniffed back my sob, “you said you don’t want to marry anyone.” I caught my trembling lip between my teeth. “I should…have never said anything..so foolish.” I wiped away the embarrassing tears.

“
We should go.”

“
I’m ready.” I took a deep breath and prepared to follow Marcus, but he didn’t move.

For long, agonizing seconds, I stood there trying not to breathe too heavily. I didn’t want to look at him, but I needed to know what he was thinking, why he wasn’t moving.

I raised my eyes slowly, looking past his hard chest that had offered me comfort last night, past his broad shoulders that had been strong enough to carry me after I had fallen, past his tight mouth that had laughed more than anyone I had ever known, and up to his eyes that were staring at me with such conflicting agony in their blue depths.

“
Claudia,” he began, but then snapped his lips shut again. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips. “I…” He couldn’t seem to get a complete sentence out.

It wouldn’t have mattered much, I could hardly hear anything over the roaring of my own heartbeats. He reached down ever so painfully slowly to put one of his large hands against my face.

He leaned in towards me. I froze, not even daring to breath. My mouth fell open slightly. Was he really going to kiss me? I was aware of only Marcus as he leaned toward me, indecision clear on his handsome face.

“
We have to go,” he spoke in a near whisper. “Do not for one second think it is because I don’t want to kiss you. But I cannot.” His hands began to tremble. “You are going to be married in a few days. I am not prepared to step into Edmund Harris’s shoes.”

He stopped talking and dropped his hand away from my face. I felt the cold creep into my skin. “I will not compromise your integrity. One day, you will remember this moment and you will be grateful to me, young Claudia,” The intensity in his eyes took my breath away.

I could only nod in response. He reached down and took my hand in his. “We’ll remain friends,” he ordered. “I’ll take you home and later–after you’re married–we will remain friends.” He squeezed my hand. “Are you ready to go home now?”

“
Yes,” I smiled bravely at him. He didn’t smile back, but he did squeeze my hand again.

As we made our slow way back to Uncle Philip’s home, my mind whirled with all that had happened in just one day. I scarcely recognized the girl with her torn nightgown and muddy feet that was holding tight to an almost stranger’s hand.

I couldn’t bring myself to pull my hand away from his; I was too aware that we would never be able to be like this again. Only too soon, I would have to go back to the life I had been living.

I could picture my life, how it would be without Marcus in it. I would always be painfully aware that so much was missing. I couldn’t decide if it was better or worse that I had met Marcus Letrell. If I had never met him, I could marry Edmund and at least pretend to be happy. We could go through all the motions of having a happy marriage.

On the other hand, by meeting Marcus, I now knew what love felt like. Wasn’t I more complete now that I knew? Even if I could never have it–wasn’t it better that I had at least felt love once? I would have something to hold onto through all the years I would spend as Edmund’s wife.

The path ahead of me suddenly looked very bleak. Marcus didn’t say a single word as he pulled me along through the woods. This return trip was so different than the way out here. I wasn’t afraid this time, we weren’t being chased, and yet it was so much worse.

I tried not to cry, but I had to wipe the tears from my face many times as the day faded to evening. The forest was beginning to look eerie again, but Marcus did not slow his stride.

“
We’re almost there,” he finally broke the silence.

I nodded silently, but stopped when I realized he couldn’t see me. “Will I see you again?”

“
I’m sure you will.” He dropped his hand from mine.

“
I’ll just tell everyone I got lost, then?”

“
That should work,” He turned slightly to flash a brief smile.

We walked for another ten minutes before I recognized anything. “We were so far out,” I exclaimed.

“
Further out than you’ve ever been.”

“
Yes.”

“
So, in a way, you really were lost.”