Always (13 page)

“
I was worried for him. Then I couldn’t find my way back.”

“
Then what happened? How did you find your way back home?”

My mouth went dry and I couldn’t swallow. Should I tell him the same story I had told Aunt Dora? “Marcus Letrell found me and showed me how to get back.”

His eyes narrowed further until they were nothing more than two angry slits on his twisted face. I could see the muscle at his jaw working.

“
Why can’t you tell me where you were?” His voice shook with his fury.

“
I…” I chewed nervously on my bottom lip. I had never seen Edmund so angry. “I already told you what happened.”

“
You expect me to believe that you got lost out in those woods?” I nodded miserably. “For the entire day?”

“
I…just…”

“
And,” he cut me off abruptly, “that Marcus Letrell just ‘happened’ to find you?”

“
I was very lucky that he did. I can’t imagine how much longer I would have been out there if he hadn’t.”

“
Now you expect me to be grateful to the man?” His face flamed red.

I clicked my tongue, unable to say anything. “Edmund,” I croaked.

“
What kind of wife will you make when you run off in the night with a near stranger dressed only in your night clothes?” His teeth snapped shut on his question.

I closed my eyes briefly. This was not going well. “There was…”

“
You’ve put me in an incredibly difficult situation.” He stood up just so he could glare down at me. “On one hand, if I call off the wedding, it will only confirm everyone’s belief that you are a loose woman and our name will be tarnished merely by association.” He began pacing the length of the small room. “On the other hand, if I go ahead with the marriage and people find out about this incident, our name will be tarnished that way as well.”

He sat down heavily in front of me. There was no talk of love. It had always seemed obvious before that Edmund didn’t love me. He had once told me that he admired me, which was plenty enough for him. Perhaps if he had loved me, his decision would have been easier to make.

I remained silent as he argued with himself over the best course of action. “This just won’t do,” he finally announced. “I’ll have to ask my mother what I should do.”

“
Your mother?” I was horrified that Lady Harris would learn of my indiscretion.

“
Yes,” he nodded quickly. “She’ll know what to do.”

He stood back up abruptly and strode purposefully toward the door. Seeming to remember his manners at the last second, he turned, bowed slightly, and hurried out the door.

I watched the closed door long after he was gone, willing it to come back open. I could scarcely believe that he would discuss such a delicate topic with his mother. I wanted to bury my head in my lap and have a good cry.

No matter what happened, though, I couldn’t bring myself to regret spending time with Marcus. I knew that I would always cherish the memory of him. I would look back on these last three days as the best of my life.

I perked up when the door opened, but was disappointed again when it was Aunt Dora.

“
What are you doing in here alone, dear?” she asked kindly.

“
Edmund just left.”

“
Ah.” She sat beside me so she could take my hand in hers. “Things will work out,” she promised.

“
I think he must hate me now.”

“
He does no such thing. In order for someone to hate someone else, there must first be an immense love.”

“
Love and hate are completely different, Aunt Dora.”

“
Not as different as you would think. They are both very intense feelings. There is such a thin line between love and hate.”

I shook my head, tears already starting to fall. “He hates me,” I sobbed.

“
He can’t,” Aunt Dora insisted, “he just barely likes you.”

I smiled at her sincere logic. It didn’t make me feel any better. “What if he won’t marry me now?”

“
Then you’ll stay here with us.” I slumped forward in my seat. “Things will work out,” she promised.

“
I think I’ll go lie down if you don’t mind, Aunt Dora,” I said softly.

“
You must be tired after your ordeal. I just can’t tell you how relieved we are to have you back.”

“
I’m sorry to have put you through such turmoil.”

“
It wasn’t your fault.”

It was mostly my fault though. I had wanted to stay out in the woods with Marcus for as long as I could. “I guess so.”

“
You go and rest. Maybe after an hour or so, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.”

“
I don’t think I’ll feel better until I’ve talked to Edmund again.”

“
He’ll have to come back soon, you two are to be married this afternoon.”

I shook my head sadly. There was no way that Edmund would go through with the wedding now. I had never before seen him so angry.

With a heavy heart, I made my way slowly up the stairs and to my bedroom. In such a short time, I had lost two futures: one with Edmund Harris, and the other that I had barely the time to glimpse–with Marcus Letrell.

I lay down on top of my blankets still completely dressed, including my shoes. Aunt Dora was probably right; I needed to sleep for a while. Maybe then, things would begin to look better.

It didn’t escape my notice that I should be happy today. Maybe I would have never been exactly happy marrying Edmund, but excited to start a new life.

A single tear seeped from the corner of my eye and slid off my nose down to the bed. What kind of a situation had I gotten myself into?

I had always been a respectable young woman–hadn’t Uncle Philip and Aunt Dora always said that? Were they disappointed in me now? What would they say if Edmund called off the wedding?

I closed my eyes, trying to rid myself of my disturbing self-loathing. As soon as my eyes closed, I could see Marcus so clearly in my head that it made my heart ache.

I remembered the way he had looked yesterday by the river, the way he had smiled and teased me. I had never before felt so comfortable with someone else. I knew I would never feel like that with Edmund. The most I could hope for was a comfortable sort of friendship.

Maybe it would be better if Edmund refused to have me. I would live my life alone, but maybe that would be better. I sniffed several times, trying to stop the now steady flow of tears.

I suddenly wished, more than anything else, that my mother were there. I closed my eyes briefly to remember how she’d looked the last day I’d seen her before the sickness got her. She had been standing just outside the front door of our house in her bare feet, her hand resting firmly on her hip. The sun glared perfectly off her wild mane of hair, so much like my own, showing off the red highlights perfectly. She’d smiled as me and papa approached hand in hand.

I opened my eyes and puffed out my cheeks. Aunt Dora had been wonderful to me, but I really missed my mother in that moment. I sluggishly rolled myself off the bed. When my feet hit the floor, I had to use all my strength not to let my body follow.

In my vanity drawer, shoved all the way into a forgotten corner, was my mother’s locket. I hadn’t looked at the locket in so many years. I released the latch and it swung open to reveal two tiny images. My mother smiled at me from the right side. It was so real that I could almost hear her laughter again.

My father didn’t smile in his image. He tried to look serious and strong. In real life, father smiled and laughed often. Our times around the dinner table were some of my fondest memories.

I lightly traced around the metal edges of the locket with my finger. What advice would Mama give to me?

She had married my father for love. She had been happy in her life, I was sure of it. Even though her life had been cut short by a cruel illness, Mama had not regretted the decision to follow Father on his adventure.

She would have wanted the same for me, her daughter. What would my life have been like if I had grown up in the States with my parents? Would I have already found someone to marry? Would I have been more like my mother?

My mother had been willful to a fault. Aunt Dora had told me hours worth of stories from her childhood with Mama. As a child, I loved to curl up beside Aunt Dora and let her words paint pictures in my head of the mother I was desperate not to forget. As I got older though, Aunt Dora took her place in my heart. Instead of always thinking of my mother, I began to try to please Aunt Dora. The things she enjoyed, I also took pleasure in.

My Aunt Dora was the opposite of what my mother had been. She never took her shoes off and waded through the creek; she held Mama’s shoes for her, and she never felt the wind through her wild hair on the bare back of a horse; she watched through half squinted eyes as Mama did.

Aunt Dora was respectable and proper–and so was I. I sat up straighter in my seat. With a last look at the smile that was too much like my own, I shut the locket and slid it back in its place at the back of my drawer.

I was not like my mother, I was like my Aunt Dora, and I would be content with a marriage to Edmund Harris, I told myself firmly.

At least all that had been true three days ago, before I met Marcus Letrell.

Chapter
Fifteen

I stared at my reflection in the looking glass; same rust colored hair that I had just three days ago, same bright green eyes. Yet, somehow, I didn’t even recognize myself.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Miss,” Becky called from the other side. “Are you in there?”

I ran my hand quickly under my eyes. Maybe she wouldn’t notice that I had been crying. “Yes, of course,” I called back with only a little shaking in my voice, “Come in.”

She went immediately to pretending to fuss with my hair. It wasn’t long before she was wiping away her own tears. I should have known Becky would notice.

Becky had come to us as an orphan from the village. We had grown up together. She was the closest thing I had to a friend in a town where youth was not the dominant age group.

“
Mr. Harris is here to see you,” she said softly.

“
I expected him to come.” I tightened my lips and swallowed back the emotion that threatened to spill over. “I’ll be right down.” She nodded and hurried from the room.

I splashed powder under my eyes and pinched my cheeks. It didn’t help my appearance any. I still looked as though I hadn’t slept in days.

Edmund was there to call off our marriage; of course he wouldn’t follow through now. Who could blame him after all that had happened the day before? It was my own fault that I would end up an old maid, never to be married. No one would have me now, even if there were other suitors available.

I had never really wanted to marry Edmund Harris. In fact, I had been searching for an excuse to call off our engagement. But now that I knew he was here to call it off himself, I found that I was saddened by the thought.

My bottom lip began to shake dangerously. I stood up quickly, brushing the length of my all white gown with my damp palms. It was best just to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. Just before I turned away from my reflection, Marcus flashed through my mind.

Marcus as I had last seen him.
“I’ll never marry. Get that out of your head right now.”

I brought my hand up to cover my mouth and turned to the door. After Edmund left, I could return to my room and have a good cry. I could wallow in my self-pity for a while and then figure out what to do next.

It might not be so bad. I was sure that I could get Becky to stay with me. As long as I was staying, she wouldn’t go; no matter how Micky was starting to look at her. She would stay with me.

“
How selfish you’ve become, Claudia,” I scolded myself.

I descended the steps slowly, savoring each groan and creak the old wood made. Edmund’s home would no doubt have smooth marble staircases. I let my shoulders slump forward slightly.

I wondered what Marcus Letrell’s home was like. He had said he wasn’t wealthy, but it was clear by the way he held himself that he was.

“
He probably has marble staircases, too,” I grumbled to myself.